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Hello, my name is Bryan and while I have been a long time lurker (2 1/2 years), this is my first post. Until very recently, I have been living disconnected with myself and the world, to the point where I felt like I was living in a video game where everyone were npcs. Just empty pixels to interact with occasionally along my solitary journey towards nothing in particular. As a result, human contact has become very alien to me, and I have only recently begun the process to learn how to reconnect with others and myself. I basically feel as if I have just woken up out of a coma, and I have yet to learn much of anything deeply about who I am, what I like, what I feel, and how I can bring others to myself as well as myself to others. I am incredibly confused about a lot of things at the moment, but I am trying to be as honest and totally open as I can. This is critical I think, as I have a lifetime pattern of lying to myself and others when it comes to asserting my own feelings and preferences. In terms of "close" (I use quotes because I have realized the relationships are only superficially close in most areas) family I have one brother and two aunts (both of whom are common law married). I also have another aunt and two cousins who I am not very close to at all. My father passed away in 2001 from an embolism, and my mother passed away in 2011 from complications from liver cancer. In the 10 years that passed from those two dates my mother modeled incredibly hermit-like behavior. I think part of the reason I "woke up" recently is that I have realized that I am living basically as she did, except even worse. If she was hermit-like, I could almost be labeled a hermit, as she was at least working steadily and had people around her (unlike me then, and now where my brother is the only person I see on a regular basis). Basically, I feel as if I have had no friends or really any significant people in my life, my brother being somewhat of an exception. Despite the fact that he was the one who introduced me to FDR, and is older than me, I feel like I am more committed to personal growth than him. I see him consuming so much socially and politically material, but nothing of self growth, so I can only know that I don't see him actively working towards self growth I am only just now awakening to this fact after a desperate depression has gripped me over the past week (which is what I think is helping me to finally get over my apathy and to enter the path to finally become mentally healthy). A little bit about my childhood, what I can remember at least. My father was the primary presence in my life, with my mother making nearly zero impact (of course other than to have chosen my father and birthed me, which is a pretty big part of me being here, but I digress). I only vaguely remember him yelling at me only sparsely throughout my childhood about nothing that I can remember specifically. I only remember 3 times that he ever spanked me. The rest of what I remember (or think I do) seems to be of him being a really good dad, and person in general. He was the biggest "people" person, in that, everyone really liked him and what he contributed to them and what he liked to do. According to my brother, my father was incredibly abusive and did such things as dropping a full, unopened gallon of milk on his head as he slept. This is very far from what I remember, but I have recently begun to think that my memories might be very clouded. I have also entertained the notion that perhaps it was simply that my father treated me "better" than him, although I feel the former is the more likely. Basically, I have been isolated mentally or physically for all of my life and interacting with other human beings is incredibly alien to me and extremely awkward and unknown territory for me. I am tired of being so alone, and I am tired of me being so alone making me feel awkward about just talking to people. I guess this is really just a desperate cry for connection from someone who has had a life devoid of it. I live in Columbus, Ohio with my brother and 2 dogs. A little over a year ago me, my brother, and my aunt, with the help of the trust that my mother built over the last years of her life founded a gunsmithing/machining/firearms training center that has not succeeded. We are not dissolving the business, just moving it to our home and no longer being a full time gunsmith/machinist, so I suppose I am now unemployed. I enjoy reading, particularly science-fiction and fantasy, nature, history, animals, and more recently, writing. I realize I have been fairly intellectually lazy for a good deal of my life and I have not done anywhere near as much intellectually stimulating/philosophical reading as I would like. Basically I have only read Stef's books in terms of philosophy. If anyone has a suggestion of good material in regards to philosophy, self knowledge, or history, that would be much appreciated. I have spent most of my life just doing things in compliance with the desires of those around me, always squelching my own feelings and desires. As a result, I have only just begun to work on examining my own desires and am still working out my own personality, desires, feelings, and so forth. I hope you can understand any awkwardness that might be present in my introduction, as I am very new to opening up and even speaking directly and truthfully to others. I suppose this is simply a desperate plea for reciprocated honesty, vulnerability, and openness that I feel I have never truly experienced in my life. I truly thank you if you have taken the time to read this with an open mind and curiosity, and I very much look forward to hearing any replies there might be. All the best!, Bryan Schwartz

After years of distance I've been scared to make the vulnerable and honest phone call to my sister to talk about how I feel about our non-existent relationship and how it makes me feel that she facebooks or texts me once or twice a year to tell me she loves me despite the facts that we haven't talked in years and she knows next to nothing about me, or how I feel that she calls me at Christmas despite the fact I'm atheist and our last attempt at debate on the topic was bordering aggression and belittling on her part.She called me this Christmas and left me a voicemail wishing me Merry Christmas, and a week later text me asking for my address I would assume to send me a card for my birthday that just passed, and I felt compelled to call her to have the terrifying conversation that would involve me being vulnerable and honest about my feelings and to ask her what she thinks or feels about my feelings regarding our relationship. Despite my knowledge that text messaging is woefully inadequate for these matters, my gut terror at the idea of calling her motivated me to start with text. I have been thinking for months that asking for her thoughts on male circumcision could be a fruitful litmus test for her ability to acknowledge my likely contrasting thoughts and feelings on a topic since she is a registered nurse at a children's hospital. This could have just been my unconscious protecting me from what it knew would come from this kind of interaction or maybe my false self finding excuses to not engage whole heartedly, or my true self preventing unnecessary brutality toward my own feelings, I don't know.I dove in via text, and this all occurred within about twenty minutes via text message. I was physically shaky and terrified as it all occurred and had a hard time texting with accuracy. Separate from our family dynamic I found her responses to be remarkably obtuse with contradictions and defenses abound, but I made special effort to not even take a position or argue the details as that was not the purpose of this exchange, rather to draw out the memories in me of who she was and still is which, given my body's physical responses before this exchange was even underway, was successful and revealing from the get go. But here it is, word for word:Me: Have you seen any of the information debunking the efficacy of circumcision and highlighting that it is actually genital mutilation? Sister: Ummm.. First of all, babies don't even cry when they get it done bc they are given sugar water. Second it's purely cultural not something weird and cruel. I probably would not but (boyfriend) is English so it's not in his culture anyway. Me: Oh that's interesting. I'd be interested in talking about it further with you since you seem to think its all right under the umbrella of culture. Sister: I mean I don't really want to have a discussion on circs I'm pretty unbiased since I see them done often. There is really no point to do it other than "looks" bc it's not really any more hygienic Sister: Can I just get your address Sister: Lol Me: No actually this is very important topic for me and is meaningful to me. It's also very important to me that the people in my life who love me are curious about my thoughts on a matter like this. Me: So I see the extent to which you aren't interested in discussing this with me or being curious about my thoughts on it as very related to your actual interest in me. Sister: (boyfriend) is uncirced you can talk to him about it lol Sister: Brian you don't even fucking call me back on Christmas and you want to come at me over circumcision?? Me: Are you available to talk? Sister: Not at the moment Me: Why not? Will you be available later on? No response. A couple mornings later I had a missed call from her that she would have made at 2am her time on a Saturday night, which leads me to believe she was drunk when she called. This reminded me of an outburst she had while drunk toward one of my brothers that my brother told me about. He said it was terribly uncomfortable and our sister verbally attacked his girlfriend in ways that made him feel like she was jealous of his girlfriend somehow. A little extra background: I'm 30, my sister is 24 or 25, and over the past seven years we have had very little interaction. I am in the preparation phase of deFOOing and have began honest conversations with my three younger brothers regarding family corruption, their experiences, their thoughts and my thoughts on our current relationships with one another and motivating factors for our lack of connection over the yearsMy sister is known in the family for being hateful and bullying toward those who oppose her or those she does not agree with or those she feels have wronged her in some way. She is aggressive in language and volume, yelling, etc.The last time I was around her was about two years ago at a small family meetup with small talk and no substance, I made an effort to be positive and friendly and had not yet been introduced to philosophy. I'm posting this as a window of insight for anyone who is interested in the very beginning phase of these terrifying conversations.