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I have a theory of depression that I've been working with that I want to share with you. Yes, you reading this right now. This is for you By depression, I do not mean sorrow or despair or dread. I mean that numbing of emotional connection, a desire for isolation esp. accompanied by apathy, lethargy and cynicism. Some Background I was chronically depressed from a young age until a couple years ago. I grew up in a very isolated and awkward, emotionally fragile household. I got bullied at school and often at home by my older sister. I was also often anxious, though rarely to the point of a panic attack. I was never taught a lot of basic skills and habits as a child and my anxiety carried into my adulthood as I awkwardly bumped my way through necessary social and adult life. I thought that I was pretty much doomed to a terrible life until I saw that Stef seemed genuinely happy. That was really strange and exciting for me, and I took his advice and got into therapy. Strange Pattern In therapy, I would often bring my anxieties and depression into the sessions with me (as you would expect), and I started to notice something that was very confusing for me. I call it "emotional amnesia", where I would completely forget about things I was previously excited about, or I would feel depressed in the present about something and my therapist would point out that the other day, that thing brought me joy and excitement. I was surprised that I had forgotten or that it had shifted by that much, but still I was depressed about it. It was kind of strange to me, but I didn't pay it much attention because it didn't seem to change anything that I remember feeling differently before. It was almost as if all my memories of my past and my hopes for the future were covered in a dark cloud. I hated everything and it was difficult to work with because I had little motivation to work through it. That was not the only reason, or the core reason I should say, as I later found out. The Theory I don't actually know that this is original to me. I probably picked it up from a bunch of different places. But what I've come to realize is that depression is an avoidance of anxiety and overwhelm. Which is why depression and anxiety are never far apart. Anxiety is terrible for the body. All that cortisol in your system can really fuck things up. And that's why depression is numbing. It's feeling disconnected from yourself, from your feelings because it's just so exhausting to feel so consistently anxious for long periods. And that's why it comes with lethargy. And aside from depression accompanying a lack of motivation and disappointment or dread about the future, it's also really hard to work through, because to work through it is to feel that anxiety and overwhelm again. And even if you aren't conscious of it, your body and unconscious know how bad anxiety is on the body (and the psyche for that matter). Caged animals start out really anxious, being at the whim of someone as they have to suddenly cope with a small space, not understanding what's going on. And then after a while that anxiety turns into depression. The anxiety is too much that they would rather adopt a strategy that could make them much easier prey, even welcoming death. Dealing With Depression is Important Depression is not any kind of cure for anxiety, obviously. It doesn't make anxiety go away, except insofar as the circumstances triggering your anxiety go away if you isolate yourself. If you are constantly bed ridden with some illness that won't go away because you keep getting exposed to the source of that illness, you are going to miss out on a lot of opportunities, not least of which: connecting with other people. What Changes? I think the most important thing that changes once you realize how depression works is that you know that you are disconnected and you can figure out why. The depression blocks two important things: the good and the bad. By feeling less anxiety and stress, it comes at the cost of forgetting the things for which you can genuinely feel grateful for. The solution that I've found extremely helpful is a combination of two things: First, that I consider what anxious situation I am primarily avoiding so that I can do something, anything to address it. I trust that I'm not just some crazy anxious mess of a person and that my anxiety is there to inform me. And in that anxiety I've found that it can tell me a whole lot about the situation I'm in, and even how to address it. Second, by remembering how far I've come, what opportunities are now available to me in my life now that I have philosophy and self knowledge. By realizing just how fortunate and lucky I am to be living in such a time as this, that I was not born in Saudi Arabia, that I'm not a dung beetle rather than a human! And it's true that it's amazing and wonderful and if you don't see it yet, you may well later. I think that both are equally important things. If you don't get that anxiety triggering thing out of your life, it's probably not going to go away on it's own, and if it does, it's probably not soon enough. Motivation Motivation is tricky. So many people want to tell themselves lies in order to motivate themselves. That's like the entire business model for people like Deepak Chopra. It's a thriving industry selling these people lies so that they can continue to live their own dissociated "lives". The temptation that I have, and has not worked out for me, is to say to myself "if I can only accomplish X, I will finally be happy", but what happens is that I accomplish X and if I feel happy about it, it's fleeting, at best. Because what's left to sustain it? It's always the next thing, and that next thing just isn't going to do it for me either. How could it? I am completely unconvinced that this strategy works anymore and instead I'm convinced that (assuming I'm not some evil guy) there is enough goodness and fortune in my life (if only the potential at this point) to create and sustain some level of gratitude. I am so incredibly fucking grateful that I found philosophy, oh my god! The reason I think that's important is that, in addition to being true, the stakes don't feel as high. I can make mistakes without feeling like it will mean I know nothing, or that I'm hopelessly incompetent, or that I'm a phony, or whatever other self loathing kinds of judgments about myself that I could make. Thank all powerful atheismo that I am not a farmer from the 16th century, knee deep in manure, waking up before the sun comes up to do tedious manual labor for 12 hours every single day. Or being a slave, or living during the inquisition, or losing my whole family to smallpox. Compared to that, my own anxieties don't seem like such a big deal. Dealing with depression is dealing with anxiety, which is dealing with the circumstances in your life. Anyway, that's what I think. What do you think? Am I totally off? Am I missing something important? Is this helpful?