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This problem's bugged me on and off so I wanna run past you guys before I'm 30 and panicking. I'm gay and I want to have children some day. Lots of them preferably, all raised peacefully. The problems I foresee are lack of female influence, conflict in who's child should be given birth to, and if we both have a child the problem of favoritism by genes (racism kinda). 1. Female influence. A stable nuclear family is crucial to the healthy development of children. Both fathers and mothers bring characteristics that acclimatize kids to the sexes and help balance each other out. Also women have boobs which helps with breastfeeding and IQ. (I think breastfeeding boosts IQ. Don't know if that's true.) 2. Who has the kid. Adoption is out of the question. Has to be my genes and has to start from square one. If I decided to have one kid with my partner, conflict may arise with who's sperm gets into the egg. This is a non-issue with a nuclear family. Which leads to... 3. Genetic favoritism. If both of us have surrogate children, favoritism by genetic origin could cause conflict. This I have second thoughts on, because virtue trumps bloodline, and children raised virtuously can't help but mirror that virtue. Has anyone else had thoughts about this situation? Any gay guys on here had this dilemma? I don't wanna raise a kid in a naturally dysfunctional environment and I wanna take care of this concern now. I feel like the answer is right in front of me but I can't see it through my caution. I feel like I'm operating on broken biology.

Hey guys. I have a question about guilt and trying to decipher if it's true self or not. My guilt I experienced a while back about a certain situation that was my responsibility but hadn't hurt anyone had actually led me back into the arms of my parents. I hadn't left them yet and I was about to but the guilt put my life on hold. I had to try to right the situation as much as I could. During that time period I was crying on my mother's shoulder and seeking comfort from both my parents. In all of your opinions, if the guilt I feel leads me to seek emotional comfort from those who abused me, is the guilt necessarily all true self then?

From my blog: Not Perfect All defensive moves look the same. When someone is about to throw a punch we instinctively raise our arms to act as a shield. It makes sense from an evolutionary point of view that we developed a wide variety of strategies for attacking, based on the regional climate or environment. However, when defending against predatory attack, we have only an instant to react to the threat. Thus, we evolved with just a few mechanisms of defense because we didn’t need variation; we just needed something that worked. Most of us aren’t afraid of being punched on a daily basis. (If you are, you need to read a different post.) But many times, we perceive an attack when facing criticism from colleagues and friends, even when they’re genuinely trying to help us. The defensive move is very simple. We say, “Yeah well, nobody’s perfect.” It’s true that nobody’s perfect. But context matters. Do you think an Olympic ski jumper would refuse the gold medal because his or her landing was a little too far to the left? Of course not. And if you pointed this out, the other person would probably laugh at you and ask why you didn’t enter the competition, since you clearly know so much. However, if the roles were reversed and an Olympic ski jumper was giving you instructions on the bunny hill, it would be silly for you to say, “I’m not perfect, you know.” That’s the point — you are nowhere near perfect, which is why you’re taking a lesson from someone who is much better than you in this particular area! There are probably skills you have that your ski instructor does not. When someone says—so and so is not perfect—they really mean, “I don’t worship this person in an unhealthy way and I recognize that he or she has certain flaws like everybody else.” Most people will agree with this statement when confronted about it, but psychology indicates there may be something happening on a deeper level.* As infants and young children, our adult caregivers are naturally viewed as perfect. They are so much bigger and more intelligent than us, and they have so much power over our lives that they literally feel like perfect gods in our tiny world. So when the perfection retort is used to fend off criticism against parents, whether one’s own or someone else’s, or even someone who has filled the void left by an absent parent, we are talking about a feeling that goes way back to when we were helpless and dependent newborns. The tactic shifts the blame onto the person broaching the topic, implying that she is criticizing an Olympic ski jumper for a slightly botched landing, rather than someone whose skills are sub-par and didn’t even bother taking lessons to improve. Let’s face it, criticism towards parents is usually extremely volatile. Much more so than heckling some Olympic sport from the comfort of your living room. And yet, parenting is arguably the most important job in the world. We have to get over our fear of potentially, maybe offending someone—the stakes are too high. In any other area of the market, we would hold people to a much higher standard because we recognize that quality matters; without it customers will go somewhere else. If we excuse the behavior of our friends, parents, and partners by stating truisms like ‘nobody’s perfect’, we aren’t able to have any control over our relationships, and the improvement that deep down everyone wants will never happen. It may feel to us like a just defense at the time, but the only person it hurts in the end is ourselves. *Disclaimer: I am not a psychologist and the content of this post are merely my opinions. Please consult a trained psychotherapist if you are seeking help with mental health.

I'm pissed. I'm feeling something I haven't felt in a looong time. I'm really angry at my parents, and I'm happy that I'm this mad. I was listening to http://www.fdrpodcasts.com/#/766/maternal-suffocationand I just had this amazing awakening moment. I just felt all the rage from the listener towards his parents and it made me remind myself of all the rage I felt during my teens. I thought about suicide for a year. I counted every minute in school. I felt like shit for not studying stupid subjects. I was bullied. I was pressured by everyone to get a girlfriend. I felt like a big failure with no future. I was put in the worst school in the city under the pretext that it would teach me life. I felt my life threatened among kids whose parents have been in jail. There were cases of rape in the bathrooms. If a kid from 5th grade asked me for my money I had to give it to him even though I was 4 years older, because if I didn't and escalated, his family and friends would be waiting for me outside. I was put in this situation by the people who are supposed to take care of me. The people I should be able to trust. Writing this made me feel really sad and even angrier! All this inside a 16 year old mind, who had no one to share it with. I could never ever trust my parents with this. I would never share it with them. They made fun of me when I talked about this girl I liked when I was about 6. My parents and grandmother, at the table, laughing at me for liking this girl. Mocking me... BAH IM SO PISSED!! So with this all inside my mind I got super pissed at them but I repressed it... until now. All this time I've been trying to get work done and be productive only to find myself procrastinating. It was like my brain was saying "There are more important stuff for you to deal with!". And I ignored it and played videogames. And then I felt like shit because I was being really unproductive, so i go work and the cycle continues... Today I figured out what my feelings were trying to tell me. Why I couldn't work for more than 30 minutes without going back to videogames. Why I wasted over 7000 hours playing fucking video games!!!! I'm so fucking pissed I wasted ALL THAT TIME. I could be living alone far from this hellhole getting a good salary. I denied job offers because I would feel depressed when i thought of working. Maybe because I had all this rage built up inside of me! I repressed all that I felt towards my parents and didn't face it! I hid behind videogames to waste time purposefully! I probably thought that work would be videogames 2.0 to repress my feelings towards my parents, since at leaste while playing I can listen to podcasts and think about my life. I'm starting to feel less anger and it's probably because I'm disconnecting emotionally... I'm super scared of letting this general feeling go away, and go back to where I was. I am afraid of continuing to live a unproductive life, feeling inferior when other people ask me what i've been up to.. "Oh you know just played 100h of league of legends, what about you?" I'm feeling sad and scared now and stopped feeling anger. All this time growing up i've had little to none emotional support and useful life lessons. I've never trusted my parents advice (thank god) and was going in a really bad direction until I found FDR. Thank you Stef Mike and Stoyan for doing this. You are literally saving lives. Thank you so so much. I wanted to share this with all of you and if anyone can help me out I'd be very very grateful..

Hey everyone! What're your favorite listener conversation videos about relationship with parents? If you can't do it yourself, what would you send as an intro video of Stef showing how you can connect with people and analyze parental relationships with moral clarity? Thanks! Alex

Didn't find this elsewhere posted, was quite surprised that this article supports DeFOOing. The Debt

Hi there, I'd like to get some of your feedback on a pressing matter, I have been procrastinating about calling my brother after completely terminating my communication with our parents. I want to extend an invitation to talk if he would like, about why I will not converse with our parents any longer and what effects their parenting has had on me. I want to share this with him because he is a new father, and I fear he will unknowingly pass our parents abuse and neglect on to his daughter. He knows our father is abusive but he would not call it that, but our mother is completely off the hook and works hard to maintain her ignorance. We have talked about my recent experience finding myself, taking the time to think about our past and the strong emotions that I unearthed, but he maintains it's not worth thinking about and I can predict will become more deflective if I get off the topic of myself. From what I have worked hard to understand, and using my own personality as indicator, my mother was neglectful and apathetic to me. She has an almost complete lack of empathy towards me and is passive aggressive and manipulative which I was able to observe when I tried to re-connect with her several times over the phone (I live on the other side of the country) and put my self in a very vulnerable state. The conversations each were subject to her denial, minimizing, criticising, demanding forgiveness, disowning any responsibility and then aggression in text messages followed by complete disrespect towards me and a simple request to stop texting me and to call me instead. I was expected to move on and go back to the "way it was before." I now believe she was a functioning alcoholic as I remember most evenings there would be a wineglass in her hand. I have no memories of her companionship when I was a small child, although I know she was around the home. I can remember feeling alone for a very long time, and empty rooms... It was painful writing this line and I am continuing to process everything with a councillor. Our dad sucks. I'm sure his parents were terrible as my mother will state and he will admit that his abusive parenting is all he knows. He is very sadistic in that he creates dependent victims which he can abuse. I am just seeing it wholly as I read more into psychology and unravel my history but I get that he feels impotent and seeks power over others. Verbal abuse is commonplace with him ever since my brother and I grew larger than him in our mid teens even though we were skinny as twigs. He is quite short, thank god for that. He claims he sacrificed his whole life for us. I've once herd him speak of how much he despises us to an absolute stranger when he thought no one else would hear. Thats a basic profile of the negative aspects of my parents....but onto what I would like to hear your feedback on, My brother is 27. He lives across the country. His to be wife just had a baby girl in November of 2014. He is completely enmeshed in my father's business and is dependent on my father now for his livelihood. My father put the money down for the house my brother bought. My brother works for my father managing a fast food restaurant. My brother's to be wife I can't say I know much about, avoids eye contact with me. My brother experiences tremendous migraines that render him immobile from time to time. I am not aware of how frequent they are now but he does refer to them as still being present. He had a brain scan several years ago and it was diagnosed as not a physical ailment. I am implying that he has experienced similar trauma growing up from our parents and is unwise to it like I was. I think my relationship with my brother is worth salvaging or at least attempting to salvage but I could not handle this knowledge under the circumstance he is in. I cannot pretend there isn't a high risk he will continue the cycle of abuse if he remains unaware. I am torn because this sounds like the attempted rescue which can't be done. Any serious conversations we have about family are met with deflection or topic changes. I am finding it hard to act on this presumption that a child I have never met can have a better life because I do something or share something with her parents. I think it's worth trying so but I don't want to miscalculate my intent. I want my brother to be happy and experience the joy raising his daughter can provide. I think there is another way to approach this other than what I am hesitant to do, which is to just tell him to let me know if he wants to talk about it, because I think he already told me he doesn't. But I think that is all I can do. I would appreciate hearing what you think on the matter.

My newest video. In it, James Hetfield from "Metallica" talks about his painful childhood, his relationship with his abusive parents, and how it influenced his music. I included my comments and observations in a form of hard-burned closed captions. Apologies for poor audio quality. These were the best clips I could find, and sound filters didn't help improve it, either. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H6XD1MPzF_A

Hello to my fellow board members. I'd first like to say I've been a long-time FDR fan and donater. I discovered Stefan's show through similar movements like those of Ayn Rand or Adam Kokesh, and have listened to - at least - one thousand of his podcasts by this point in time. This show has changed my life, and the relationships in it, for the best. So to Stefan, as well as all of you for your role in the show: thank you. I've learned recently, through the use of unrelenting curiosity and maturity in my conversations and reflections, that my parents are nihilists. I won't get into the details of the situation I experienced right now, nor the complexity of my childhood (which caused in me a severe anxiety disorder and teenage drug use). However, I would like to explain how, after applying RTR and philosophy to my life and relationships, the information learned from their use causes everything to slide and click into place. What I mean is that, after a particular conversation with my father, and through days of introspection and note-taking after the fact, I learned that my parents are somewhat sociopathic nihilists. What it was that "clicked into place," so-to-speak, was the devastating realization that my anxiety disorder takes the form of my nihilistic fathers voice, which eats and has eaten through my thoughts and motivations throughout everyday of my entire life. This leads me to the rather depressing issue at hand: for the past few weeks, occasionally, I've been experiencing severe depressive states generally followed by serious considerations of suicide. The problem: I DON'T WANT TO DIE... as of now my eyes have teared up and I feel pressure in my sinuses. I've promised myself that I would never take such an action, but I feel so afraid that my future self won't be able to handle the stresses of life and be driven to do this; and I feel nothing short of pure terror. So, from the folks on here, I ask simply for connection. For people who care about life, philosphy, and the future to have serious conversations with, to know that I'm not alone in the world; there are so few I can consider myself close to. I'd like to talk about my experience with anxiety, with life stresses, with my parents, as well as share some RTR success stories. I'm also new to the board as far as posting goes, and new to forums in general, so I ask for empathy in that regard. Glad to join the group, Mason

I thought I had reached a good point in my life. I thought people were respecting my beliefs, and could see the evidence that I am improving my condition. I got married last year, and our first baby is on the way. But boy, howdy. Do the vultures start showing up as soon as a fresh baby brain is available for abuse. My wife and I are choosing to practice peaceful parenting. She is more or less an anarchist, after being kicked out of my home country two weeks after our wedding, due to a visa technicality. However, her parents are Jewish. My father is a kind of presbytarian. He is married to a muslim. My birth mother was brought up catholic, and has become a kind of mystic humanist. And my brother is a buddhist. And now the baby is on the way, her folks are very keen to instill jewish rituals, etc. I thought my wife dealt with it very bravely. But I told my father about it, and now he has revealed his true opinions. Please, somebody have a look at the following conversation. I am not sure whether I should even bother to reply or not. It's upsetting me now. But I'm so angry at the fact they've been flying under the radar for a couple of years. And now I'm having a baby, religion is suddenly a problem. First email, me to my father : Hows it going dad? The past three months have been very interesting for me. Last night was the first joyful fruit of my labour.When we moved house, I convinced (My wife) to try giving up television. It's been a great success. She's happier, and we have great conversations, more often. Last night her parents mentioned something about giving our daughter some Jewish trinkets. Prayer book to keep under her bed. A Talismen to nail outside the front door. Superstitious stuff.I was within earshot, cooking. (My wife) really amazed me with her response. She courageously told her parents we're against superstition. We are not going to tell our dauhter things are true, if we ourselves don't believe in them. She said, we feel it would violate the trust our daughter would have in us. It could harm our relationship. And we don't want to give her the paranoia associated with original sin, & an invisible man following her day and night. The response from her mother was an outburst of distress. Claiming 'tradition' was important, the Holocaust, etc. The father was saying, 'if you can do something harmless to keep us happy, why won't you just do it!?', etc. Quick as flash, (My wife) said, so what if (My father's wife) wants her to wear a Hijab? Should we follow her tradition, to keep her happy? Is it harmless? And, my personal favourite, 'tradition is not a reason'. The parents flipped out. On the other end of the computer, her brother happened to be walking by, and chimed in with 'oh yeah, did you know there isn't even any archaeological evidence that the Jews were ever in Egypt'. I was incredibly relieved. And proud of my wife last night. Rational and brave woman. She has changed a lot in the last 2 years, just through conversations with me. And so have I. And I got to thinking today, that I owe you one. You taught me conversation from early on. So thanks. It's making life a lot better. And we had a good chat after it about how all the 'people pleasers' in Germany, went along with the holocaust. My father's response: It is really tricky sometimes. When I was younger I used to be brutally direct in my opposition to some of my parent's Christian beliefs but as they got older and less capable of of grasping complexity I resorted to keep it more subdued. It becomes harder because you see how much it hurts them. It's also more complex for me because I do believe in an invisible guy following me around, albeit an invisible guy within me. I also believe in life after death, but not out of superstition but because of the evidence I have gleaned and reasoning. But following a religious tradition has to be a personal choice. If it is imposed from the outside it becomes a tyranny in which structure becomes stricture. You and I know how religions have deviated from their original purpose because they have been co-opted by political entities, but that is esoteric knowledge. It is not for the average intellect. As James Corbett replied to a listener's question who seemed to be offended and outraged at James' suggestion that a particular musical genre had been co-opted to the purpose engineering public behaviour: "I am not suggesting the music isn't good, of course the music has to have intinsic merit, if it didn't it would not be effective as a devise of social control..." The true purpose of religion is to cultivate a rich inward life; anyone who thinks they can bully others into inward growth is a fool. If putting something under your bed achieves it, I want it. I somehow doubt it though. Bottom line , and take my word for this, this is only the beginning of your struggle but this will not be struggle you can walk away from. Embrace it. Enjoy it. Learn to have a chuckle for it will not end. Struggle is good for the soul. And never ever become dogmatic, leave that to them and Richard Dawkins, just remember dogma is to protect ourselves from the unknown. You will find it difficult at times but remember that your struggle is not a random accident, on some unconscious level you sought it, perverse as that might seem to you right now. His follow up email after I ignored that one: The reality is you are going to be away working a lot and after baby is born! (Your wife) is going to be too busy to constantly fight it. They will have little else in their lives to expend their energies on... ( I work offshore 6 months per year. 28 days on, 28 days off. I have to continue with this, whilst I await my US green card, which can take a long time.) I have written the following response, but not sent it yet. Any advice from some smart people on here? Don't accuse me of being dogmatic. To do so is dogmatic, and quite arrogant. I don't accept that.There is no such thing as brutal honesty. There is only honesty. Truth is that which can be verified. And truth can only be defined as that which is true for all people, in all places, for all time.Dogma comes from authority. Dogma is inconsistent. And I have read the bible. It is inconsistent, and violent. It serves Authoritarians. Religion has not deviated from it's purpose. It's purpose is to serve the priest class / witch doctors. The claim that religion is supposed to create moral behaviour in people, but the jury is in. 200 000 years of violence, and life expectancy of 20 years old, has only come to an end since the separation of church and state. They are beheading Christian children in Iraq and Syria now, whilst the Jews and Muslims are murdering each other daily in the middle east. The old testament condones violence. The ten commandment originally said 'thou shall not kill other Jews'. By the rules of the book, murder and the death penalty are OK. And transgressing the ten commandments were punishable by death. The definition of god as all powerful and all knowing is contradictory. Everything in the book is contradictory. It says you shall not kill, but god can kill. And he constantly does. Not to mention 'spare the rod, and spoil the child'. It's all in the handbook. It is entirely designed to make you servile to authority. I'm supposed to avoid hurting people's feelings? OK, Granny, I would never try to upset her. She is closer to death than I. And even you, (His wife), and my mother, and the in-Laws. Believe whatever you want. The point is not to convert other people. The point is to protect the clean and innocent brain of a newborn baby.I'm responsible for her. And the people she comes in contact with, can tell her damaging lies.But you don't get to say that I shouldn't hurt the feelings of others. Then expect me to stand by and let people scare my daughter into believing that she is always being watched and judged? Or that If she pisses off a man she can't see, then after death, she will be punished without end, for all eternity, a fate worse than death? Or that if people use certain words to her, they will cause physical changes in the world? It's entirely based on fear. I consider it an act of aggression towards a child. I've grown up scared, paranoid, and uncertain because of this stuff. And the idea that I should fear or obey authority has literally been the hardest thing to overcome in my career. It has put my life in real physical danger. And I have seen superstitious sailors narrowly avoid death, and sustain real injuries, because they failed to take responsibility for their own lives. I want my daughter to be able to know when she's being lied to. Or when her authority figures are failing her. that means understanding and respecting property rights, and Non-Aggression. For all people, in all places, for all time. Including priests, imams, rabbis, gurus, cops, robbers, politicians, teachers, parents, grandparents, friends and enemies. No exceptions. Religion is immoral, precisely because it allows for exceptions. It's not tricky. It's a case of being consistent. And children know that. They know the difference between fantasy and reality. They know about consistency, as soon as they learn that falling over hurts. They don't believe in things they can't see or feel or touch, unless they spend hundreds of hours being indoctrinated. And (My wife) knows it too. And the in laws are easy to argue with. They have a homosexual daughter. If they ever want to say that we should follow Judaism, then they have to turn around and stone their daughter to death. Check mate.

My dad died a week before my 8th birthday, after 2 weeks in the hospital. I'm 30 now. I've been doing a lot of introspection recently and I'm feeling a lot of pain about his death. One of the layers to this is, motivated by Stef's podcasts and all the books I have found through them, I have been telling the truth to myself about my mother's treatment of me and have distanced myself from her. She was abusive and she has shown me she is not interested in being honest with herself. Part of what is difficult for me to wrap my head around is that I don't really know my dad. I have shed the 4th Commandment that I must love my parents, but the memories I have of my dad are through the lens of an idolizing 7 year old daughter. I don't have the opportunity to find out what kind of person he is or have a relationship with him, and I feel sad and confused thinking about that. I remember the big bear hugs he used to give me when he was tucking me in at night. I remember his detailed and direct explanations. I know that even though he was raised religious and my mom was Christian, he was atheist. I know the shows he watched on TV. I don't remember him ever punishing me, and his mother (my grandma) told me that to her frustration, he always explained things to me at great length instead of disciplining me. Although, I do remember times where my mom was punishing me and getting angry with me while he stood by. And, he continued a relationship with his mother despite her un-empathetic treatment and rough discipline (though she claims she never spanked him). When I finally stopped using religion as self-medication about a year ago after finding FDR, the grief became raw again. He's NOT in a better place, I WON'T ever see him again, this WASN'T for a reason to make me stronger, etc. I'd like to achieve is complete honesty with myself, and part of that is admitting that it was really fucking painful, and it still is. I can't imagine any of my childhood friends living a healthy life if they lost their father. I remember the first time I calculated my ACE (Adverse Childhood Experiences) score, I got zero (= no adverse childhood experiences). Death of a parent was not on the test, and I was blocking out the abuse of my mother and her boyfriend out at the time. That is not the reality, though. I had a very traumatic and painful childhood. I've listened to/read a lot about the effects of child abuse, but I want to gain a better understanding of the effects of losing my father. It's tough to even find one book that isn't filled with religion, mysticism or idolization of parents. Does anyone have any recommended reading from an FDR type perspective? Thanks for reading, and any thoughts on how I can gain self-knowledge towards this and heal the trauma would be appreciated.

As I progress into my late teenage years, I am finding it increasingly difficult to relate to my parents. The more I look back on how they raised me, the harder it becomes for me to respect or even tolerate them. They live in a completely different world from me, my mother reads gossip magazines and my father reads red-top newspapers. They constantly watch reality tv and other unimportant drivel on the television and most of their converstions revolve around petty drama at my mother's work. I have a brother, he's ten years old and when he misbehaves they will usually just shout at him and threaten to spank him or as they like to put it, "give him something to cry about". Then when I try to intervene to prevent my brother from being mindlessly shouted at they say something along the lines of "Here comes supernanny" and "You think you know everything". When I was growing up I didn't have someone to intervene and point out the ineffectiveness of yelling and spanking and I suspect that it has had a significantly negative impact on my personality. Let me give a more specific example of how my parents would react to me acting up as a child; From the ages of around 3 - 7, when I dared to get out of my bed past my bedtime my father would shout and spank me and if that didn't work, he would take me to the utility room and lock me in there until I stopped crying. The room was pitch black and I was too small to reach up to the lightswitch so I would sit there absolutely terrified and have to force myself to stop crying so I could get out. I had nightmares about this for years and I still get chills if I go into that room with the lights off. I now want to approach my parents and talk about their methods of parenting to see if they can justify it. I know they can't, most of the time when they dealt with me they were simply trying to get me to stop crying the quickest way possible without ever reasoning and negotiating with me. Has anyone else had similar experiences with their parents? If so, how did you raise these issues with them beacuse the most likely thing that will happen is that I'll bring this up and they'll shoot it down straight away with "I was spanked as a kid and I turned out fine" or "We were under too much stress".

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I have been following this community for about 2 years now. And in that time I have posted a couple of questions and went on one call-in show for advice about what to do about my relationship with my parents, and donated a little. But I have not felt comfortable doing more then that, even though I think this saved my life from a whole lot of troubles down the road. This isolation is something that has happened because of my parents and their internalized forms in me. Most of the things that have happened since this show have spiraled down to my current situation: unemployed, with a little money saved up, no real friendships and still at home, and completely isolated and anxious for the last month. I'm going to give this a try and start asking for some help. I've been facing increased anxiety almost every day while my parents were home or when they weren't for the past month or so since I quit my job. The anxiety was aimed at how there was constant screaming and conflict between my parents or them and my brother or just the anticipation of what my father, who usually initiates most conflicts, might try to say to me next. I am trying to assert my boundaries with them and thus I have written an e-mail that I have partly sent to them previously, partly written now. Here is the e-mail in it's entirety( the links might not work): I'm curious what the community thinks about sending this e-mail to my parents. What I have the greatest fear about is that the anxiety will have a great impact on my performance and and finding a new job to support myself and move out, which at the moment is something I am considering, alongside starting to see if I can get weakly therapy sessions from my therapist.

Hi everyone, thank you for stopping in. I'm in a desperate situation, even more so than the last year or two. As I have been learning from Stef and the community here and I have been trying to put the principals into action in my life by trying to get myself away from abusive people. In an attempt to do this I have moved a total of 7 times in the last 2 years. I have been jobless half that time due to poor choices of work environments and what I believe to be severe depression. Most recently I moved in with my father which has proved to be the most damaging for me. Putting it mildly, he is a tyrant. He is almost a clone of a mobster you see in Hollywood movies. I mean, he bullies, can't listen, name calls, escalates fast, and recently has been psychically abusive to me. It started with me defending a roommate that lives with him. He was yelling and cussing at him for not getting him cigarettes while he was out. The reason why his roommate takes this abuse is because my father lets him stay for free and feeds him. Thats the same reason why my mother and myself live with him too. I calmly tried to stop his abuse and then he turned to me by screaming in my face and repeatedly pushing me with his hands and chest. I in turn escalated verbally by telling him what he was, a abusive piece of trash along with other things. After us going back and forth yelling he got in my face again and thrust the bottom of his palm into my cheek so hard my head was thrown back. He then screams that I pushed him in which did not happen. My mom pulled him away from me by his shirt while me and my girlfriend called the police. The cops arrived and got everyones story. I tried to press charges against him but, the cops said that they would have to arrest me as well since he said I pushed him first. Even though I have 2 others that witnessed the whole thing. I would then either have to bond out or sit a few days in jail. After that they would have a judge determine each of our fates. I declined doing that mostly because, I had work in the morning. At the end of the night the cops convinced him to let me use his vehicle for the time being so that we can separate for the night. After work the next day and after going -50.00 on my card for a hotel room me and my mother talked on the phone and she said that my father wanted the vehicle back to put it in a repair shop and that I can come back to stay. Also that he was giving me the vehicle and I just have to pay the 300 for the title transfer. I said that I am seriously thinking of going into a homeless shelter instead and walking the 3 hours to and from work. She began saying that I'm causing her so much stress and to please come to the house. needless to say I was extremely hurt that she was still with my dad in the first place and that she was blaming me for her stress. I decided to go back to my father house very grudgingly so that I can get the vehicle back and use the Internet to find another place to live through charities and the like. Ive been here 2 weeks and after talking to many places I have very few options of moving out anytime soon. It'll be at least another month or two to save up for a deposit and first months rent between the both of us. Salvation army said that they might help if I pay off the deposit and have proof that I am moving because of an emergency. It's frustrating that I am the one to suffer far more. I had to bring in the police report to excuse my absence at work. I had to ask my banker to take off charges for overdrawing and explain what happened. I had to research and call these charities that are completely indifferent to my situation and who try to rush me off the phone as soon as they can. I had to use mostly my resources to meet up with landlords and tour apartments. Ive noticed that when I'm at work talking to guest that remind me of my father I sometimes get very upset even though they aren't being abusive, just simply mannerisms like him and I can feel myself tense up. Hearing his voice and walking past him I feel enraged and disgusted. He got to hit me in the face and all he had to do was give away a truck that's worth a few thousand. My therapy alone will cost more. The list goes on and on. I live near Chicago, IL and If anyone can help me with food, money, gas, or shelter. It would be so greatly appreciated. I would also pay the debt back with money, time, ect. I'm open to ideas. Thank you very much for taking the time to read, Alex

Hi everyone. Earlier this year, Stef had a female caller on the call-in show (I'm sorry, I don't remember the exact date of the show) she told him that when she was in her early to mid teens, her older friends got her drunk and then had sex right in front of her. If I remember correctly, Stef told her that it means she had been a victim of sexual abuse. Now when I heard this, I was really shocked. You see... until I was 15, me, my parents and my sister had shared one bedroom. It's not that the apartement had only 1 bedroom, but my parents wanted the other room to be a living room. And I remember ... I must have been 8 or 9 years old, one time in the middle of the night, I got woken up by the sounds of ... my parents having sex. I opened my eyes and all I saw were parts of two human bodies sticking from under the blanket, moving and shaking. I heard everything. It was all so loud. In that moment I felt probably the most frightened in my entire life. I turned my head towards the wall, closed my eyes and so badly wanted the whole thing to stop. I was so scared and I couldn't make a sound. I pretended to be sleeping through the whole thing and I hoped they wouldn't find out I was awake.... it felt so powerless... Jesus christ I have tears in my eyes... This was the first time that I remember, but this situation when I would wake up in the middle of the night by the sounds of them ... had been happening quite frequently until I was 15 when they decided that maybe it's time to turn the living room into another bedroom. It never occured to me to put this in the sexual abuse cathegory. But even before I even started listening to Freedomain Radio I knew I would never forgive them for the fear I felt as a child because of what they did. But using the term sexual abuse just seemed like too much. As a kid I remember thinking it was probably normal and that it surely must be happening to all the other kids... Probably my Stockholm Syndrome. I did some Googling about what effects on children may it have to have sex in front of them, mostly because I wanted to find out if it really does fall into the sexual abuse cathegory. It turns out it really does. So if I understand it correctly, I had no idea for years that I was repeatedly sexually abused. Or pherhaps I was aware the whole time but learned how to supress it. I don't know. I'm so confused. Am I overreacting? What do I do about this? Do I just come up to my parents and say "Mom, dad I want you to know you are complete monsters." ?

My mother messaged me on Facebook today with an article about environmentalism. seems like something you could get behind… http://billmoyers.com/2014/04/28/young-people-are-taking-the-government-to-court-over-its-failure-to-address-climate-change/ This is what I replied. They are only petitioning the courts and criticizing the EPA for not having enough environmental legislation when it's environmental legislation that is the problem! AND the US government, and governments around the world, pollute far more than any business or factory ever could. If these kids really cared about the environment they'd want to disband and end the EPA because it's those regulations that cause the problem in the first place. If there's more legislation, all the corporations will just lobby to exempt themselves, and environmental alternatives and small business start ups won't be able to compete and the monopoly is maintained. This is the problem with thinking that the violence of the state can do anything productive. Violence is not the way to solve social problems, and violence will in fact exacerabate the environmental issues. The USSR had the most enviromental regulations on the books of any nation in history, and, surprise surprise, they polluted and destroyed their lands faster than any other country as well. Well intentioned opposition to a non solution? yes.. but trying to fight violence with more violence doesn't solve anything, in fact, it usually makes things worse. her response: They are not going to be able to disband the EPA so instead of doing nothing, they are trying to work within the system to make change. Some change. Your philosophy reminds me of born again christians who just claim that this system is unacceptable at the core and so they wait for the great by and by (in this case heaven) while you're and others are waiting for the dissolution of the state… neither will happen anytime soon. meanwhile, people who could use your help (or animals, the environment) still suffer cuz you're waiting on a different system to be put in place. I felt myself gearing up for a big political discussion and was ready to whip out my big libertarian book of studies and facts, but suddenly remembered to connect with my feelings, 'what was I feeling just then?' I was hurt. I was really hurt. I let go of all the libertarian rage that fuels my political discussions and I could do was cry for a few minutes. I haven't read all of RTR, but I've heard Stef talk about the basic premise and decided to try something new. I'd tell her how I felt. "Your philosophy reminds me of born again christians who just claim that this system is unacceptable at the core and so they wait for the great by and by (in this case heaven) while you're and others are waiting for the dissolution of the state…" When you say things like this, I feel incredibly hurt. I try to approach things logically and empirically and all I get is chastised and compared to born again christians. "waiting for the dissolution of the state" "people who could use your help (or animals, the environment) still suffer cuz you're waiting on a different system to be put in place." again, this is really hurtful. It seems that you characterize my position as just sitting on my thumbs, and sitting idly by while people suffer. Do you understand why that is incredibly insulting and inflammatory? I really don't understand the need for that, and, it really makes me feel dismissed and my love for philosophy trivialized. Not to mention that it's not true. This is what she replied I'm sorry, sweetheart. I am not trying to hurt you. But I think the parallel is an interesting one. I wonder if you can stand outside of the feeling of hurt and see the connection I am proposing. Purely theoretical in that you are very 'certain' with what you think/ believe what the solution is. I don't find certainty compelling whether it comes from the left or the right. Also, and this is not new, I tend not to value standing outside of the system and complaining or chastising if at the end of the day nothing is much different. Again, I see similarities at a meta level regardless of the issue and I tend to point out those things. It's what I do in my work and so it comes second nature to me. Ok honey. I don't know what else to say but 'sorry'…. I am not used to you getting hurt so easily on topics of philosophical nature. I didn't mean to do that and am not really that invested in the topic to continue. Sorry to have drudged this up. You know you better than I do. My response I see the connection you are making, that's what is hurtful. If I compared you to Neo-nazis or african dictators or the spanish inquisition, you get how that would just be more inflammatory and hurtful than productive right? isn't this what you get so upset with your mother about? being unneccesarily inflamitory? This is an important issue that needs to be addressed. I don't want to continue feeling like I have to self erase and self censor around you because I get attacked every time I share my thoughts with you, at least on topics that you disagree with. We don't have to talk about it now, I know I'm having a strong emotional response that might make things more difficult. To which she gave an unsatisfactory apology, and signed off. I'm shaking now as I type this message... this really rattled me and I would *so* greatly appreciate other's insight. Feel free to ask any questions about history or what have you. This follows about 5 months of really head-butting over political issues. Thanks for everyone's support and empathy, I know it's a lot to read. Love, James. Edit: sorry for the font being a little schizophrenic, I was copy/pasting from Facebook, I tried to make it as clear as possible.

I believe excessive wealth should not be allowed to be transferred. I am categorically against the emergence of dynastic wealth accumulation. . It's totally against the public interest to have millionaires with so much money, that they don't know what to do with it on the one hand while others cannot pay their mortgage, medical bills and support their children. Anyhow... People should have to earn their way , not have it handed to them. Some might think that this is pure communism doctrine, but its really not at least its not what I meant. What I meant was: Why da fak would some idiot who inherited so much wealth, and believe me I saw a lot of these fuckers, have 5x, 10x, 67x, 1098x better starting platform in life than I do, without a single droplet of sweat? Of course that the right to manage your wealth how ever you consider is undisputed. Its not that I am jealous and almost never been,but lets face it I think it unbelievably stupid to have an institution of inheritance. I would like to live in a world where every man or woman is completely responsible for his or her own life , which means that by my standards you cannot be an intelectual , you cannot be a succesful person, parent or professional if you achieved that with the help of your family pedigre, money or influence.

In this video I analyze a commonly dysfunctional family. As an example I use two scenes from the movie "Shuffle." http://dai.ly/x1gqwzt

Has anyone else read Daniel Mackler's recent new book "Breaking From Your Parents"? It's become available at amazon / kindle a couple of days ago. I'd be interested in other peoples' thoughts on the book!

Here comes a wall o'text. I really did try to keep it as succinct as I could, believe it or not. My thanks to anyone who can help me out here, or plod through this post in its entirety.As the title says, I'm in a state of ambivalence about how I should be viewing my immediate relatives, specifically my mother. Over the past year and a half (about) I've become passing familiar with the FDR philosophical/psychological view (I.e. Truth) on personal relations and it's been quite the rush, like being dropped onto the top of the Grand Canyon, to look down on formations of people milling about below, antlike in their patterns of movement, but predictable after a long enough period of observation.(This in regards to friends, strangers, fictional characters who are now analyzable in terms of the causes and effects of their dysfunction. On a side note to this side note, it's interesting how most of the truths this community is aware of are viewable during character interaction in popular media (TV, movies), only it seems that even the writers don't know what's dripping out of their script).Thus far I feel I've finally acknowledged most of the dysfunction in my early childhood, which was the root of my previously unacknowledged adult dysfunction, which has in turn allowed me to take ownership of myself and my actions, the taking ownership of which has allowed me to reverse dysfunctional or destructive behaviors of my own, in order to lead a happier life. So while I've leaped forward in taking responsibility for myself and thus breaking the multigenerational cycle of destructive, dysfunctional, and abusive behavior, my quandary exists in assigning moral responsibility to those who had a role in my negative early childhood experiences.The main contention that I have in mind would be to what degree my mother is responsible for the things I suffered. The only reason I lack certainty, and raise the normally refutable statement, 'she did the best she could', is that from my seventh year of life onwards, she was quite arguably a victim of circumstance (and by extent, the whole family), for during a skiing field trip for my older brother, which she was chaperoning, an accident led to her having a T5 spinal cord injury, disabling her from the chest down, leaving her behind as a paraplegic to this day (she basically has use of her arms and muscles above, but not including, the abdominals). This event changed the whole timeline of my life, from that moment onwards.While the majority of abuse occurred after this incident, which I will provide context for down the line, there was still some abuse which occurred before. It isn't negligible by any means, but it's a shorter list than most of the people I know or have heard about. Considering her own history, which I can detail if requested, it's understandable, but that is no excuse: I was circumcised as a baby, my mother divorced my father when I was around 3 (she claims he was cheating, he denies and claims it was a dissatisfaction divorce), I was in daycare around two and a half, and I was spanked only twice in my memory, all of which occurred before I was 7. I was taught about the religion of my father but I was not bullied into it, as one of the sayings in the Qur'an my father was fond of is, 'no coercion in religion', so it never stuck with me.Now, that's my early childhood before the skiing accident and while it's not good, it's significantly better than a lot of people's most important formative years. It's relevant, but not necessarily the focus of this post.Two months before my mother's skiing accident, she remarried, and I think he was a nice enough fellow with my brother and I during the yearish+ they were dating. But people change when subject to extreme stress. Two months after they marry, his new wife is a paraplegic. There's nearly a two year recovery period (and it's much more complex than that, because of surgery after surgery and adaptations that need to be attempted/scrapped/modified) but for simplicities sake, we'll leave if there. Outside observers notice that I become obese (which is one of the dysfunctions I am currently succeeding in conquering) after mom is disabled, but the next few years are probably the fuzziest in my memories in terms of life at home (the distinction being that I can remember lots of details about school).Anyways, during the following years, my brother and I were subject to worse than previously. By the time I'm in 6th grade, there are verbally abusive fights between my brother and step-father about thrice a week, sometimes more, sometimes less. I get some too, but not nearly as often as my brother. The verbal fights included physical intimidation, so, the big step-father would be screaming, looming over us kids, jabbing his index finger forcefully into out chests until we were backed against a wall. One time my brother was woken up at midnight with school the next day, because he did dishes but had the drain plugs in the wrong sides of the sink. Stuff like that. The climax was one night when for whatever reason, my step-dad and brother were fighting again, and the step-father slammed my brother against the fridge and started screaming in his face. My mother called the police on him then, but he ran away from the house and nothing ever came of that.So my point is that my mother, who was raising two children as a single mother married a guy to stop that from continuing (single motherhood). It probably would have worked out, without anywhere near the almost daily abuse had events not multiplied the pressure on them by over 9000. Do I need to hold her morally responsible for choosing this abusive man, who would not have been who he became had not the fates destroyed his new marriage? They are divorced now, but in order for her and her children to live, she needed the man during the immediate recovery and for a long time afterwards, for money and much more than just money.If any extra info/context is needed, please let me know. I would really appreciate some feedback on this, whether you see me irrationally rationalizing or if you have an answer or question or ANYTHING at all. Thank you very much.

Hi Everyone, I need some advice. I've been on a self knowledge journey for many years now, and have decided to leave my job for a year and make a run at being an entrepreneur. I am 31, and for the past two years I have lived with my parents because I wanted to pay off my large school debt, get healthy, and spend some quality time digging into some self knowledge work. My mother is hyper religious. The catholic type that spends four nights a week at Church. She is also medicated for being bi-polar. I never know what mom I am going to get from day to day. She is either really happy, or really stressed and angry. Growing up I had to deal with daily screaming and hitting. When she found the Church at age 15, some of the screaming subsided, but then the fear tactics kicked in. Her father was a drunk and an abuser, while her mother was institutionalized several times for mental breakdowns. Her mother was also a screamer and a hitter. I always try to understand and support her through her massive mood swings, but I don't think I can do it any longer. My father, who still lives at home, has always been the "my way or the highway" kind of guy. As a teenager, I always tried to get him to take my side, but he protected my mother and said that I just had to do what I was told and stop making her mad (as if it was my fault). It was a very difficult decision to move home two years ago, but with my looming debt, and my health drastically failing because I was not managing my own stress, eating habits, while I smoked a pack a day and drank to fall asleep. I have since gone through a great deal of therapy and life style adjustments and I have never been healthier, happier, and mentally sound. It was my father gave me the option two years ago, and said that my rent would help him retire, while I could live close to work and get healthy. My rent didn't help him retire, instead it bought him a motorcycle and a couple of cruises. At 71, he has no intention of retiring. But here's the situation right now. He supports me and says that no matter what decision I make in life I'll always be his son and will support my decisions. I am the only one who can find happiness for myself. To make this transition smooth, I asked if it was possible to lower my rent to just utilities ($300 a month) from $800. When I explained to my mother why I was asking she lost her temper, said that I am just like her, bi-polar, and that this phase I'm just throwing away my secure job as a public school teacher. I told her that it was irrational to project her label onto me without any empirical evidence. The only truth to my situation is that I am working for something I do not believe in, and the past seven years in the school system has been trying. She ended the conversation by saying that I was always just using them. I kept my cool, and said that I would have hoped for a non-emotional extreme response and some parental advice and support. She stormed off to her bedroom and I probably won't see or hear from her for a week. I do not need their approval at all. Reducing my rent would have been extremely helpful. I'm thinking that the next 5 months I have to live here (proximity to work, and I have five months left on my contract at the school before I can move back down to the city) is going to really uncomfortable, but I might just give them what I can ($300) and if they decide to kick me out, the ties will naturally be cut. What would someone do in this situation? I'd appreciate any advice. C

I have mostly made my mind up about how I am going to handle this but I would like some feedback (do you see something I am missing?) if any are willing to read my novel of a post, thanks ahead of time.Back in August i made it clear that I had probems with my parents both to them and surrounding family. My father did not just spank, he whipped and hit (twice I can recall) I think the last time I was 15 and yelled and was emotionally abusive and would humiliate. Growing up I "toughed" it out and planned my great escape at 18, then all of the sudden when I started to become more independent he became more reasonable and nice... imagine that. I spent the next 9 years being angry about how I had been treated growing up but having "forgiven" him and having even talked about it in unproductive ways. And my mothers main guilt is in allowing that and occaissionaly being the instigator or threatening with his violence. Now, I do not intend to make any excuses for them but in the past couple months I have become less enraged and traumatized by things (or suppressed those feelings) and am trying to assess everything before I address them. There are some facets of my parents that I genuinely did admire growing up compared to the families and culture I saw around me. I had no doubt that my parents loved each other and at least lived up to their standard for love in regards to their children. And when myself and my brothers were getting older my mother did come to us concerned about how we felt with the way we were raised. Having been blatantly conditioned to sympathize with her, I assured her that she had been great but basically dad was a hardass and a dick, a thing we did not hide but we also displayed some kind of unhealthy stock-holmian "respect". I have put off addressing them because I knew that the way I felt I would be out to hurt them and I was pretty sure the outcome would be dissassociation. I would like to keep the relationship, IF, I can be confident that it is healthy and mutually beneficial AND IF I can maintain the relationship and not limit my horizons emotionally and spiritually (philosophically speaking). In Christmas (I was not present, I made it clear I would not participate this year) my Father and older brother had a falling out. He called to tell me that he was drafting papers to insure he could not inherit anything and he wanted to know if I wanted to be added to the list. I held no quarter with him and the conversation ended with him cutting me off and saying "you're done!". I feel like I don't want to expose myself vulnerably to them, I want to yell and judge and go over a list of crimes... a part of me wants to hurt them and that feels sadistic, and I don't want to feed my sadism or would it be being evil to evil? would I be being the champion of a damaged child? My Father has a history of threatening more than he is willing to follow through with, and it was relayed to me that they were pretty broken up at a family gathering. My Mother called me yesterday "Just to say I love you" and let me know that she would call from time to time. She asked me if I loved her and the truth is that my feelings were conflicted,what I told her was that while dealing with them I wanted to be very sure not to sympathise with them, and asked if she understood, she said she did. I plan on writing them a letter and letting them know my position and feelings. If they want to meet after that i am open to it.a couple questions I have is; should I let them know what behaviors/responses of theirs would satisfy me? or would I be poisoning the well to my being manipulated? Should I let them know about my method (personal history, self observation, psychology, philosophy) in dealing with this or is that some kind of "emotional state" deferral ("I'd rather not do it this way but the text book says I can't empathize with you"); or, is it what I make it? If I see them face to face should I let them see my pain or anger? or let nature dictate all of this. I have an impule to empathise with them but right now I am supressing it until I see remose/virtue in their position and actions. Thanks in advance to any who add their two cents in any capacity.

So, the following nightmare is the only one that has truly frightened me, to the point of waking up, turning on all the lights and sitting safely in the corner with my back against the wall until morning. I laughed it off as a silly middle school dream for over a decade, until listening to freedomain radio, and the truth it contained became blindingly obvious. I think it contains parallels for many peoples' childhood. Dream: I am deep in the jungle on some sort of safari, me and my fellow travelers are settling down for the night. I am up in a tree, observing my surroundings, when I see a sloth off in the distance. I keep watching it, and notice that it is slowly skinning its own child alive with a knife. It is evil, and its red eyes shoot up and look directly at me, and starts heading in my direction (not at a sloth pace). I freak out and run to the tour guide leaning against a tree for help. I explain the situation, how we are all in danger and need to get out of here. The only response I get from him is "Yuuup, they do that" and he continues to lean on the tree with his hat is over his eyes, whittling on a stick. I try to get the other travelers to take notice, but they don't care. The sloth arrives and starts murdering people, and a chase through the jungle ensues. I'm almost caught, and the dream morphs into a city, the urban jungle (like NYC with tall buildings). "The sloth" is now a nickname for a serial killer that slowly skins people alive, and is running rampant in the city. I wake up, and fear that "the sloth" is in my home, waiting it pop up from the foot of my bed and and slowly kill me. This is when I left the room and turned on all the lights. My interpretation: The sloth is obviously my mother(I lived alone with her and my sister. She moved us almost 4k miles away from all other family and friends), or all destructive mothers. She was slowly emotionally destroying my sister and I, and everyone just looked the other way. It wasn't their problem. It also shows how trapped I felt, that even if I ran all the way from a south american jungle to a huge american city, I would never be safe. I'm so glad to be in a healthy and wonderful environment now, which continually points out how not-normal my childhood was. Thanks all!

This humoristic sketch might be helpful to those who want to share this unpopular idea that hitting children is wrong. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wx7s_N79nco WKUK - Season 5 - Spanking Dads