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I am considering taking Jordan Peterson’s Self Authoring thingy. But I am unsure if it would be helpful for me. I am an engineer and my brain works a little differently. The deterant is the price, if it won’t help, the cost is an absolute loss, if it does help thenit would be worth it. I recently turned on the radio and heard Dennis Prager talking about how the ability to communicate clearly is indicative of an organized mind or somesuch. And while I often have trouble communicating clearly when it comes to things that are engineering related my memory seems better I can hold a complex machine design in my mind and see how all the parts are interacting and what problems might arise and how to fix them just leaning back in a chair thinking without paper and pen.

So recently I have been obsessed over my thoughts in an extremely detrimental and completely self-destructive manner. This continual obsession has been a reacurring phenomenon that strikes at random times, that has nearly psychologically paralyzed me - wherein articulation becomes almost impossible due to an immediate withdrawal or a "blocked" mental feeling. These irrational thoughts that perpetuate themselves on near autopilot, not only inhibit me from general thinking, but it both deteriorates my confidence in mindset, and serves as a blockade from further learning and self-knowledge. I can almost never be sure of anything, and reside into a paralyzed state of mind - inhabited by a constant reoccurring pattern of analyzing my thoughts as they perpatuate, while I'm left feeling miserable; drowning in irrational thoughts and unwanted obsession. These can be one of many closely similar or related thoughts that induce such phenomena. Some of which are: Are these thoughts normal? What if I am wrong? What if my perception is far from conforming to reality or the truth? What if everything I'm choosing to learn is falsehood? Skepticism and doubts to a degree are healthy - but the degree to which I endlessly doubt is self-destructive. These thoughts can be correspondent to the ways in which I think of; either about Anarchy, perceptions of people, an abstract idea, or some other miscellaneous subject that isn't of my current recollection etc.. At one point I worried about Freedomain Radio being a cult because someone via YouTube said I was a cultist, and I did some minimal research and came to find there's an entire communities dedicated to "exposing" Stefan! *sigh*.. I had obsessed over that thought for a couple days until it slowly faded away, then I began my normal more so healthy thought process. Freedomain Radio, anarchism, atheism, psychology, and peaceful parenting are all topics I have invested quite some time in, and am very keen of. So the thought of what I believe and what I've worked enormously hard at, are to be false in the end, is completely devastating to me, and thus obsessions and worrisome thoughts lurk around the corner. My world begins to fall apart, and I only wish for them to cease soon - so that I have some sense of confidence in my fundamental beliefs and thoughts, and can be comfortable in my own mind. It's like an attack on my mind; initiated by myself. self-sabotage, if you will. These are some of the few topics that are easily articulated in the utterance that I can explicitly mention, but my thought processes after a duration of obsessive thinking, then subsequentally expands into a broader obsession into little inconsequential details existing in the abstract. I find it really difficult to conceptualize or elaborate on this, and this may not be the same for everyone - since I don't know what it's like to be inside another persons mind - but the contents of certain abstractions derived from thoughts just strike me to sometimes be weird. They're not really feelings, but just the contents within the abstract subjected to scrutiny. A thought related to that would be "Are thinking these normal?" etc. Thanks for reading.