Greetings from a timid anarchist

[DaisyAnarchist]

Hello everyone,

It is a pleasure to be here  

I am a timid college student majoring in a rather incidesive realm of study, liberal arts. I spend a fair amount of free time educating myself on the side via watching Stefan's podcasts and finding resources on anything and everything related to voluntarism. I bring up my timidness here as a disclaimer, and because I believe this trait to be a psychological consequence statist principles. I am going to put myself on a line in this introduction. So it's going to be kind of dramatic, lenthgy and primarily about my own obstacles, but it relates to why I'm here now.

The first video of Stefan's that really resonated with me and helped me along the path from minarchism to anarchism was whichever one(s) discussing the absense of fathers and the patriarchal role of the government. He stated that government has essentially become the self-imposed surrogate father. I relate to this on a personal level, my father stopped talking to me for 10 years after my tenth birthday. His best reason amounts to, "I'm just not good at keeping in contact with people."

I lived with my grandparents in Florida after my parents' divorce and was raised by a single, emotionally rigid mother who placed me from one "caregiver" to the next until forcing me to go to public school. She, like many single mothers, had the incentive to go into the work force to "support" me and could collect on a tax return for her status every time March rolled around. I was an only child pampered with endless toys. I can't remember the first few babysitters that well, but much of my childhood was spent in a daycare. There were a few instances where I was beat up by other kids, and no repurcussions occured for the kids. The original daycare owner watched it happen and did nothing. There were also a number of instances where I was placed in "time out" for doing nothing wrong. I was climbing on a wheel in the playground, just as another girl was climbing on it but from the side, and she fell off. The teacher took that as me pushing the girl off, even though the girl never accused me of it and the teacher had no proof. The mother of the second owner of the daycare worked there as well, and was the most aggressive and loud woman I've known. She would literally drag children across the room and shove them against the wall for minor disobedient behavior. I got yelled at by her and others for not going to sleep during nap time, and eventually learned to stop resisting and pretend that I was sleeping. In the entirety of my stay at that daycare, I never fell asleep during nap time :b

The gist of my public school experience consisted of me trying too hard to live up to other people's expectations of intelligence. In primary school I did not apply myself. Teachers bored me. I often stared off beyond them, into worlds beyond them. And then was made to feel like an idiot when they started giving me tests. Almost failed second grade. Ran into tempermental teachers that snapped at me for no justifiable reasons. Eventually became very submissive and "academic."

My mother and grandmother were both extremely confrontational women. My mother critizes my grandmother for verbally abusing my grandfather, yet my mother did the same thing to him, and I have a more vivid memory of that. I think the only person my mother doesn't act confrontational towards is me. I feel like we have a very disjointed relationship, now that I've really examined how much of a "mom" she was to me. It's really strange. She was absent for a large portion of my childhood, having no qualms about placing me in various institutions that treated me like crap, yet when I began to make friends and ask to spend time with them at their house, I got lectured on stranger danger. 

What the actual fuck?

Going to her for permission to spend time with friends outside of school was often more trouble than it was worth, and I felt I was being held back from creating intimate, healthy relationships with people. She created a lot of dependency between us. She watched quite a few documentaries and programs of children being whisked away by strangers. They usually ended up dead or extremely traumatized when found so many years later. My mom would say, "this is why I'm hesitant to just let you stay at a friend's house. You never know what could happen."

She really had me believing that shit. Sure, I suppose there's a potential for that to happen, but why does that have to translate to being afraid of anyone new, unelss they work at a school/daycare? I now have a rather difficult time just meeting and getting to know someone new. School and the relationships I had only deteriorated over time. By the time I entered 11th grade, I was suffering from panic attacks. Daily. I have a persistant suspicion that I was touched inappropriately at a young age but was too young to remember/blocked it out, due to odd childhood behaviors and my sexual awareness at a strikingly young age. It doesn't help that I was placed in the care of people other than my own relatives for my entire childhood. I think the odds increase with that.

I used to be a statist... the schools eventually got to me, compelling me to believe in all these necessary statist programs. Something in me knew it was all wrong, but that something was beaten down to lower level of conciousness. My journey to anarcho-capitalism/voluntarism began with Ron Paul. I was looking for a genuine and peaceful approach to foreign policy. At the time, I could find no one else that would provide it. It was actually a friend that I met through facebook that helped me to make the final philosophical leap to acceptance of anarcho capitalism. He was the one who suggested watching Stefan's videos. The videos have helped enormously. I also watched a lot of learnliberty.org videos and have just begun to sink my teeth into the writings of people like Rothbard, Mises, Hayek, etc. 

Everything makes sense, now that I am able to put all of this into perspective. I feel an immense gratitude to people like Stefan, who actively put out the message about the racket that is government rule. I come to this forum hoping to meet fellow voluntarists and have discussions. I look forward to getting to know you all. I don't expect anyone to thoroughly read this, but if anyone does take the time to, thank you. 

[Isomies]

Thanks for posting. Sorry to hear about your childhood trauma that has affected you so much, although identifying it and knowing where it comes from can be very helpful.

[courtneycm]

Wow, thanks for the honesty and vulnerability. It takes a lot of courage to recognize those things about yourself and much more to post them. I'm very, very sorry for what you went through.

I also have wrestled with timidity quite a bit and it's only been through lots of work and therapy and conversations like this one that I've really made headway. I'm glad to hear you are digging your teeth into liberty and the best advice I can offer is to be sure to keep up the self work while exploring the intellectual side - it'll make it all click in a way that is more naturally you. 

A belated welcome to you, Daisyanarchist!

 

[VforVoluntary49]

Great job making it here-hopefully this is a place where you don't feel you have to be timid. I know the feeling, at least in a sense. I'm not quite timid but definitely have the shyness bug, especially when it comes to interpersonal relationships-it's something I have been trying and struggling to improve in my day-to-day life as well.

Also, kudos on spending your free time educating yourself with Stef, Voluntarism and the Austrians-I'm finishing up my undergrad right now but I just consider that almost like another job, just classes to get a license-my personal education that I do on my own with these subjects is what feels like my real education, how learning is supposed to be. In university, I have to struggle to write a paper or turn another page, but listening to podcasts or reading Rothbard, I just can't put the stuff down. Anyways, good luck in your endeavors here and and I'm so, so glad you've made it.

 

[DaisyAnarchist]

 

Thanks for posting. Sorry to hear about your childhood trauma that has affected you so much, although identifying it and knowing where it comes from can be very helpful.

 

Indeed, thank you for the kind words, Isomies. It does help to identify the source of what causes people so much turmoil. When I realized that people could interact without force as an underlying fundamental mechanism of society, it felt like most of the dark clouds looming over drifted away. I feel I have gained a lot of clarity, which is a step in the right direction.

Wow, thanks for the honesty and vulnerability. It takes a lot of courage to recognize those things about yourself and much more to post them. I'm very, very sorry for what you went through.

I also have wrestled with timidity quite a bit and it's only been through lots of work and therapy and conversations like this one that I've really made headway. I'm glad to hear you are digging your teeth into liberty and the best advice I can offer is to be sure to keep up the self work while exploring the intellectual side - it'll make it all click in a way that is more naturally you. 

A belated welcome to you, Daisyanarchist!

Hi courtneycm. It was difficult to type up so much personal stuff on a community of new people, but the anonymity helps, as well as the warm reception from people here. Thank you for the kind words, I hope you continue to make headway. I will work on my struggles as well. Educating myself on liberty has made the process more smooth and natural. 

Great job making it here-hopefully this is a place where you don't feel you have to be timid. I know the feeling, at least in a sense. I'm not quite timid but definitely have the shyness bug, especially when it comes to interpersonal relationships-it's something I have been trying and struggling to improve in my day-to-day life as well.

Also, kudos on spending your free time educating yourself with Stef, Voluntarism and the Austrians-I'm finishing up my undergrad right now but I just consider that almost like another job, just classes to get a license-my personal education that I do on my own with these subjects is what feels like my real education, how learning is supposed to be. In university, I have to struggle to write a paper or turn another page, but listening to podcasts or reading Rothbard, I just can't put the stuff down. Anyways, good luck in your endeavors here and and I'm so, so glad you've made it.

Thank you for the kind words, VforVoluntary49. I am so, so glad to be here And I know the feeling. I find college is a lot better than high school, in the sense that I'm not forced to sit for about 6 hours inside a building against my will and there are less rules in general, but it never compares to self-teaching. I hate writing papers that I have to write, or reading enormous textbooks at a pace I am not comfortable with. I have learned so much more from Stefan's podcasts and learnliberty's videos than I've learned in my entire 12 years of public school education. What career are you going to school for?

I hope that you are able to feel less timid as well in your interpersonal relationships.

[VforVoluntary49]

I definitely think college is or at least tries to be better than high school, but I feel like it is becoming more and more regimented in the way high school was. I noticed that strikingly today-many of my classes are still just about rote and memorization and what to think, and still barely touch on how to think or establishing bases for ideas and their origins before telling why these things are correct or necessary. Example was discussing the war on crime and how to "fight crime" without delving into any of the history etc, as if its a given fact that will exist in perpetuity. [/font]

I am actually prelaw and plan on attending law school in the fall, so in many ways I will be heading right into the belly of the beast. My hope is to be a public defender and defense attorney, hopefully defending people's rights against state encroachments. It will definitely be a major litmus test for these principles, whether one can enter the legal field and still maintain a soul lol. How about yourself, what do you "wanna be when you grow up"? [/font]

And I am making headway because I realized that much of my shyness was due to a lack of desire to associate with society because I felt that I was incompatible with other people and had nothing to offer. Now I see that I can be greatly outgoing with the type of people I truly respect and want to associate with-the type of people at FDR and the like. [/font]

[DaisyAnarchist]

Sorry for the late reply, been bogged down with coursework and just haven't gotten around to participating here. 

I definitely think college is or at least tries to be better than high school, but I feel like it is becoming more and more regimented in the way high school was. I noticed that strikingly today-many of my classes are still just about rote and memorization and what to think, and still barely touch on how to think or establishing bases for ideas and their origins before telling why these things are correct or necessary. Example was discussing the war on crime and how to "fight crime" without delving into any of the history etc, as if its a given fact that will exist in perpetuity. 

I am actually prelaw and plan on attending law school in the fall, so in many ways I will be heading right into the belly of the beast. My hope is to be a public defender and defense attorney, hopefully defending people's rights against state encroachments. It will definitely be a major litmus test for these principles, whether one can enter the legal field and still maintain a soul lol. How about yourself, what do you "wanna be when you grow up"?

And I am making headway because I realized that much of my shyness was due to a lack of desire to associate with society because I felt that I was incompatible with other people and had nothing to offer. Now I see that I can be greatly outgoing with the type of people I truly respect and want to associate with-the type of people at FDR and the like. 

I know what you mean. The quality of education in college isn't that much better. May even be the same, or worse. The main improvements from high school that I see include the fact that I get to decide what to take, when to take it, and basically how long I want to be on campus for. Kids are not afforded these freedoms in the 12 years of schooling prior to college. But yes, some of the courses I've taken haven't taught me much of anything new. It's the same old read these chapters by this date, be prepared for that test. Same cycle of great (as in enourmously terrible) expectations.

I forget if I mentioned this, but it's absolutely absurd to me that health measures are being taken for children when they're forced to sit for 6-8 hours indoors... and then they go to gym class and are told exercise and being outdoors is good for you. What a load of crap. 

That is an interesting approach, and I hope that you influence others to climb aboard with principled approaches. That definiately reminds me of what Ron Paul hoped to accomplish by getting his hands dirty as a congressman. If spreading the message was his genuine goal, he certainly reached a lot of young minds and hearts.

I'm indecisive as to what I want to do with my life, but I do know that I hope to become stronger physically, mentally, and emotionally on the way there. 

Taking elective or more specific courses in college has helped me to get an idea, at the very least. My favorite courses so far have been Astronomy, Philosophy, World Civilizations and Mirco Economics. Currently taking the last one. I have an interest in historical subjects... I think it's because I like to understand human behavior and analyze it. Of course, with some historical details, there's no telling what really happened except by word of mouth/through the grapevine, but I like that there's a general approach to factual information involved.  From there, I can take apart and piece together the information to form a better understanding. I find astronomy correlates with this, except instead of understanding human activity, you acquire an understanding of cosmic/chemical activity in outer space. I find that economics and philosophy go hand-in-hand as well, but in ta different sense. Each involves understanding the nature of reality and making sure you're clear on certain definitions. A lot of people like relativism because it sounds true and pleasant. In the same way, some like socialism because it sounds nice, but upon closer examaniation, these theories fall apart logically and in application. ...sorry if this is rambling, I love to talk about these subjects.

That is good to hear I hope to accomplish that as well. It is difficult to find compatibility with people when most don't seem to hold the same basic principles. I hope to either attend Anarchy in the NYC in April or the next Porc Fest... which I think comes up this summer? Looking to meet people with the same values. I've already made a friend in a fellow anarchist through mutual friends, and I may get to meet him in person if his plans for moving to Florida go through. Have you attended any events like this? 

[VforVoluntary49]

I have not had a chance to make it out to any, unfortunately but I am thinking about heading out to the next Porcfest if it works with my school/work schedule. My hometown is a bit of a rational wasteland, to say the least and university isn't much better to be honest so any reason-minded people I get a chance to meet or talk to are few and far between sometimes. It definitely seems like you have some diversified interests. Something like an economic historian or anthropologist sounds like it could be up your alley, given the interests in history, motivations, etc. Are you early enough in your studies that you can still explore different paths or do you have to choose a field soon?

[STer]

Daisy,

It may seem odd posting this video here, but your story of how you were raised really brought it to mind. Both the lyrics and video.

I have a feeling it applies to many people here actually.

[Kevin Beal]

Welcome to the boards Daisy!

I'm so sorry you were subjected to that. That is terrible. 

And I'm glad you are finding so much value in voluntaryism.

Have you considered psychotherapy? I've been going regularly for two years and have been finding it enormously helpful, and I think compliments philosophy really well.

Stef (and others) make some good arguments for therapy if you're interested:

[DaisyAnarchist]

STer:

Daisy,

It may seem odd posting this video here, but your story of how you were raised really brought it to mind. Both the lyrics and video.

I have a feeling it applies to many people here actually.

Wow, I never realized what that song was about, or how much it resonates. I have a bad tendency to judge pop songs as being rather... trite and fluffy most of the time, and pass them up. Thanks for suggesting this. 

 

Welcome to the boards Daisy!

I'm so sorry you were subjected to that. That is terrible. 

And I'm glad you are finding so much value in voluntaryism.

Have you considered psychotherapy? I've been going regularly for two years and have been finding it enormously helpful, and I think compliments philosophy really well.

Stef (and others) make some good arguments for therapy if you're interested:

 

Thank you for these links. Glad to hear you've received a lot of help from it. I have considered psychotherapy, but living in a small town and being poor, it seems my options are limited-to-none. I think I can get free counseling at a place called the Centers around where I live, but only for a short, limited time. Then I would have to pay. I live off of a pell grant (which has dwindled down as I'm trying to make payments on my phone and for gas) and my mom helps to support me as well. I suppose I could go some time to see what my options are, at the very least.  

A big reason I haven't yet is because of the hurdle of telling people around me that I'm seeking therapy. One of my friends (the only anarcho-capitalist friend I have) offered to do hypnotherapy/hypnosis with me. Considered that as well, but I'm afraid to open up to him for some reason.

I outright asked my mom to see a therapist when I was 11 or 12, after we moved to a basement/apartment in North Carolina because I felt I was going batshit crazy there. My mom essentially told me to just "give it some time" and didn't seem that concerned. I don't think I ever fully recovered. I probably needed help back then, and still do now. 

VforVoluntary49:

I have not had a chance to make it out to any, unfortunately but I am thinking about heading out to the next Porcfest if it works with my school/work schedule. My hometown is a bit of a rational wasteland, to say the least and university isn't much better to be honest so any reason-minded people I get a chance to meet or talk to are few and far between sometimes. It definitely seems like you have some diversified interests. Something like an economic historian or anthropologist sounds like it could be up your alley, given the interests in history, motivations, etc. Are you early enough in your studies that you can still explore different paths or do you have to choose a field soon?

Hopefully you can make it to one of them. Seems like it'd be a wonderful experience.

I've been going to college for 4 years now but I think I'm technically a sophomore? I dunno, haven't checked with a counselor in a while. Been going part-time. I accumulated about 40-50 credits, and I think I need 60 to graduate. It doesn't really matter to me whether others think I have to decide on a major soon or if it's too late. At this point, I think the main reason I go to school still is because it's something to do; an excuse to get out of the house and feel like I'm doing something semi-productive. I live in a rural area, not much to do. Especially when the economy is like this and I haven't got much money. If I can use the credits, great; if not, I won't be devastated. Even if I were to graduate with the A.A. in Liberal Arts, transfer, and earn a more specific degree, there's no guarentee that that would land me a job. I figure exploring different subjects will help me to pinpoint what I like and don't like, and I'll go from there. 

[MysterionMuffles]

 

Going to her for permission to spend time with friends outside of school was often more trouble than it was worth, and I felt I was being held back from creating intimate, healthy relationships with people. She created a lot of dependency between us. She watched quite a few documentaries and programs of children being whisked away by strangers. They usually ended up dead or extremely traumatized when found so many years later. My mom would say, "this is why I'm hesitant to just let you stay at a friend's house. You never know what could happen."

 

Dear God...I had to close and roll my eyes when I read this. I can't imagine how messed up it is to have a mother so over protective over you, despite of what happened to you in daycare. Did she ever suspect anything happened in those hell holes or have you ever said anything about it? I don't want to be a dick and say that you should've or could've, because I know that kind of alienation only causes a child to withdraw. I understand. You were probably scared as shit. I am horribly sorry that you had to go through all that.

I am glad to hear you found any possible avenue that provides you with clarity. Welcome to the FDR Board, you are amongst one of the most insightful communities out there on the world wide interwebz. Timid or not, I think you'll find it really helpful in engaging in the philosophica conversation. The fact that you were open enough to share all that is already a good sign that you've overcome some aspects of timidness, so I hope you continue in that journey.

[DaisyAnarchist]

Thanks for your response. I have alluded to certain events with my mom, and I outright asked her if I could see a psychiatrist when I was 11 years old. She just told me I'll feel better with time. That's it. I don't think she processes much about psychological trauma. I have tried to bring up these bad experiences with her, but it's like it's not that bad in her eyes. I seem normal to her. Outwardly I'm pretty docile and level headed. 

It's a strange relationship. We do have open communication in a lot of ways and get along better than some mothers and daughters do, but I never felt emotionally close to her. I can't relate to her, and I'm afraid to tell her how I felt about her parenting in some ways. I did tell her I thought she was a little overprotective, and she seems to acknowledge it, but she also gets defensive about it like she's trying to justify it. I have not brought up the fact that I also felt neglected by her, or that I never particularly felt like her and I connected on an emotional level. I can understand her upbringing. Her mother was a nagging, rather cold woman and they weren't close to each other in practically any way. Her dad was a logic-oriented kind of a guy who bore the brunt of my grandmother's nagging (and later my mother's nagging, until he had to move out) and he doesn't really connect emotionally either. Although, when my grandmother died, he at least cried. My mother seemed happy, and so was I. That strikes me as being a little messed up, even if my grandmother wasn't that kind of a woman. She had some good qualities, enough to where a grown man cried over her death, but her daughter wouldn't. I appreciated my grandfather much more as a parental figure than my mother. Even though he couldn't relate to some of the things I went to, he seemed more genuinely concerned, and he would ask more questions. My mother's general attitude to anything and everything is too content. I can't figure out if there's ever pain in her heart. It doesn't seem like it.