I read the Bible then Nietzsche

[SaintElsewhere]

Greetings Freedomain radio! Please forgive me if I spam your board with thought as I am currently underemployed!

 

I was one of those insufferably precocious kids. At the age of 7 I was diagnosed with a major illness, had quite a few surgeries and spent a lot of time bedridden and depressed. And something like that can make you start thinking about certain things early on.

 

My family is Christian. Grandparents on both side were Pastors in the deep south. I was visiting my grandfather in Mississipi and I think I was maybe 10. He gave me his bible, an old leather bound KJV. I decided I would read it all the way through. My other early reading projects were Tolkien and C.S. Lewis. It would be my big project and I would impress all the adults with my knowledge. They were already grooming me to be a pastor you see. Well I got to Exodus and I began having some serious doubts about this God charactor... Why would he "harden" the pharaoh's heart to turn him against Moses and then punish the pharaohs people? And what about Job? I was determined to plow through the old testament. I remember skimming the long lists of names, etc. I read the gospels which kind of made sense. A real feel good message there. Then there were some letters about the churches from Paul and some other people... Revelations was just insanity... I think it took me around a year and a half to finish it. People explained to me that the God of the Old testemant was different than the God of the new testament. So I kind of accepted some things but I explained away inconsistencies by sort of saying that the bible couldn't be taken literally.

 

Well I was in and out of the hospital till I was 14. And all during that period I had to go to church. My family believed in faith based healing (my mother at least knew I still had to see a doctor and I thank her for that), laying on of hands, speaking in tongues. So I had to go up front every sunday I wasn't in the hospital and be prayed for. I tried to believe. I think I believed enough.

 

But I was still sick. I was obsessed with alien abduction theories at this time also. I think that had something to do with all the doctors poking and prodding at me. I became obsessed with the end of days, and I couldn't sleep most nights as visions and dreams of angels and strange creatures haunted me.

 I found a book at a thrift store that talked about Socrates somewhere in this time and I learned about Philosophy. I also did a lot of science reading and I learned about Natural Selection. My parents supplied books from the church denying natural selection. I think the series was called, "It Couldn't Just Happen!". The arguments in the book just fell apart on their own. I came out as an atheist at around 14. I had a final surgery at 14 and the doctors said I was in remission. I dropped weight because I no longer had to take steroids and began to feel more healthy in general. I still had a lot of issues with depression and narcissism all through high school. The teachers were almost uniformly dumb. I was of course the smartest person around \; I refused to do school work when I realized if I aced the tests I would pass. The teachers at least let me read in a corner alone. I had one friend. I was attacked by gangs of kids regularly. Set on fire and burned with hot lighters. Verbally abused. You know, highschool stuff /; I was very angry so I learned to fight back. Fighting with one kid I dodged a punch only to see him hit the window behind me and severely cut his hand. As the ambulance and police cars arrived I left the school and walked home. After that the other kids left me alone.

Even though my grades weren't the best I somehow convinced the principal I should be allowed to get into the running start program, which allows highschool students to attend community college and earn college credit and highschool credit at the same time. It was also in a different town. I think the principal was glad to get rid of me.

So I was a depressed loner with narcissistic tendencies. All of this time I was constantly reading, Bukowski, Celine, Dostoevsky, Tolstoy, Philip K. Dick, The Strugatsky Brothers, Kierkegaard, Sartre, Goethe was an awakening. I found one charismatic teacher who taught philosophy in college. At the college teachers were better. I studied biology, Lovelock, the science behind symbiosis.

At 18 I did somehow get a girlfriend, but most importantly I found Nietzsche's Genealogy of Morals. If I could only describe what Nietzsche's writing did to my brain... Explosions, screaming rage... this is what sickness is... we are taught to be slaves... We have been domesticated. Resentment is the heart of Christianity and the state. I was sick and here was the cure. I read and reread it all again. It tore me apart and left me to put myself back together again. This was nearly ten years ago and I can tell you that there is no single more influential moment in my life than reading Nietzsche. I became a different person. I am still becoming that person.

Well I'm only a slightly warped person now. Fairly happy if poor. I had to drop out of college when the recession hit. I had a semester left. I am 29 now. I have a partner and a 3 year old. I credit Stefan for getting me interested in doing something in society at large, for fulfilling the Socratic model by taking Philosophy out into the world where it Goddamn belongs. Also for introducing me to Austrian Economics which I am now reading about-- hoping to read one of Mises books soon.

[marius]

Damn good thought to writing skills.

Thanks for sharing, will look into it, im still fresh in the field of philosophy.

BTW, are there any other people who are criticising current system? by looking at the base of the problem?

video channels i mean, i feel its easier to get what the author meant.

[Isomies]

Saint - thanks for posting. Felt a lot of similarities to my own high school experience with what you wrote. I spent the high school years reading philosophy, the Dune series, Siddhartha, Thoreau, Emerson and others....they just let me sit in the back and read then I'd ace the tests as you said.

Hope you are able to have fulfilling relationships and happiness. Thanks again for posting your story.

[JohnDJasper]

SaintElsewhere - with that tough start to life, you've earned a bit of health and happiness.  Thanks for the reading recommendation. I've bookmarked an online version of Genealogy of Morals and will get started with it soon.

[Jeremi]

I second On the Geneaology of Morals, one of the most important books ever written, really will shatter the fabric of how you see society on a day to day basis. Very powerful.