Reconstructing myself...

[Forknight]

For reasons probably best
left for another post, I’ve always had an outright revulsion towards authority
figures and was outwardly rebellious in just about every way I could be.  In my early adolescence, I just used the
concept of anarchy as a way to piss off my teachers and other authority figures.  Admittedly, I had never read a single piece of
anarchist literature at that point, but the idea of tearing down all of society
as it existed, which was clearly the source of all authority, sounded pretty
fantastic to me.  I had no idea what the
implications of that were, how to go about doing it, or what we should replace it with, but I always
instinctually resonated with the overall idea of the destruction of the meme known as America.  I knew, in my own way, that it was a dangerous form of lip service to the idea of freedom and I hated it.



Over the years that followed, I became more erratic and uncaring, turning to
drugs and booze to numb what I can only describe as an “empty rage.”  I used people as if they were objects and
tossed them aside, never to speak to them again.  I gained a fair amount of notoriety in
certain music circles that really only fuelled and encouraged my behavior to
extremely destructive heights.  This
continued on for years throughout my late teens / early 20s. 



Eventually, the “empty rage” became unbearable and I reached out in desperation
for someone and found what I thought I was looking for.  This woman seemed to understand me and she
filled my void more than anyone ever had. 
It’s sort of embarrassing to say, mostly because I feel so foolish now
having fell for it, but she was into new age / occult mysticism and I bought
into it hook, line, and sinker.  I
believed that we were reincarnated supernatural beings.  She fed into that belief to the
point where she was using it to manipulate me and I let it all happen.  In my desperation to find some kind of
meaningful connection, I continued to allow this person to manipulate me until I
didn’t even know who I was anymore.  I
hated myself and was made to feel inferior at every turn.  My already self-destructive attitude was only exacerbated by the inferiority I internalized.  I began lying and flirting with other women for some positive attention and our relationship took a turn for the worst as I became more and more depressed.  



Then she got pregnant.  I had read books
and done classes, but nothing could prepare me for what came once my little
girl was born.  I remember carrying her
over to my seat in the hospital and holding her in my hands while staring down
at her sleepy little face.  As I sat
there, looking at this marvel of biological evolution that was by far my
greatest creation, an idea tore its way through my mind with the brilliant explosive force
of a million supernovas.  I was overcome with awe at the fact that I had a unique life that was a part of me and would go on to have her own emotions and her own whole story; the weight of my past, previously ignored but now recontextualized in the light of empathy, also came
crashing down.  Every girl I had ever fucked and then never
spoken to again, or otherwise disrespected in some now unspeakable way, suddenly
had the face of my daughter.  I thought back on the horrors of my childhood and I swore to myself then that I would never repeat that cycle and that I would try to avoid as many of my parents mistakes as possible because I was a disaster by all measures.  I had to improve myself in order to achieve this but that was impossible in the relationship I was in and furthermore I just didn't feel as though I deserved to improve myself.  

Her mother and I stayed
together for about 18 months after my daughter was born before the relationship
completely fell apart.  Once I left and I
was all alone again, I realized that the only way to get over the pain of what
I had done, so that I could actually rectify my behavior, was to confront it
head on and be brutally honest with myself. 
Not justify it and try and ignore it, but take personal responsibility
for what I had done and stop doing it.  I got a decent job, I stopped
drinking, taking dangerous drugs, going to strip clubs, smoking cigarettes, womanizing, etc.  I lost 100 lbs.  I was just beginning on my path of making
something out of myself that I felt I could be proud of.  

Around that time, I had a friend in the “sovereign movement” who moved in and
was sleeping on my couch during a rough time in his life.  We would always talk about politics and he
would blow me away with some of the things he would say.  One day, I mentioned how impressed
by Ron Paul I was in the 2008 election and he took the time to introduce me to the basic
premise of libertarianism.  From there, I
just began reading libertarian and anarchist literature, and learning about
economics and history in my free time and eventually I found myself here.  Now I live my life according to the NAP and, while at
times it can be difficult and I slip into old behaviors in minor ways (i.e. confronting
people without feeling myself beginning to get enraged), I can say that my
place in this world makes a lot more sense to me than it ever has.  I can never go back now and I wouldn’t have
it any other way.  

Thanks for listening!

[VforVoluntary49]

Thank you for the excellent and obviously heartwrenching post.  I've been there myself (drinking, women etc.), though not to the degree you were-for some reason, I think a lot of people who end up as anarchists/AnCaps etc. have gone through a particularly dark or nihilistic time in their lives.  Seems like people who cannot stand the present world but don't know why end up hating and revolting against life, because it feels like there is no place for them and without a positive or logical framework to work (which they usually have no knowledge of existing) then they become self-destructive, and for some reason it seems that there's a lucky few who find a way to go down a different path. It's great that you were able to turn your lfie around from such a nihilistic path-for every one of us that finds our way to FDR, there are probably a hundred people who start down the same road but never turn it around.

[Forknight]

I totally agree that most of us who are so tragically wounded never figure it out and end up perpetuating the insanity.  I'm grateful not to be a part of that anymore.  I wish I could type more but I'm having a really shitty day today.  Despite that, I appreciate your empathy and am also glad that you turned your life around too.