Latest Slice of my Life

[Alexandru Stan]

A friend of mine sent me a video on YouTube about half a year ago. I can't say I did not have doubts, prior to watching the video, about very basic things like th e way I was raised and my interactions with other people and sometimes even the political system that was always talked about and reiterated by my father. I started out with the stuff not tangible to me like government and other problems that it causes. But there were so many podcast and videos on parenting and once I started going through them, and as well interpersonal relationships, I just could not stop despite the many contradictions that I would notice in my friendships and most of all my family relationship. It's been quite the emotional roller-coaster and recently just a stalemate between the idea of leaving my parents and staying to only gain the security that is not offered to me. I was listening some weeks ago to the podcast on how to leave your abusive family, and I could see that I was already trying to tell them the truth about even basic preferences that I had, and how violent my father reacted to them. I can see how my fear plays the biggest role in leaving this environment but there is just so many question of what could happen to my brother of 8 years, in the abusive environment that I would not be able to at least comfort him from.

I think I made the donation after listening to that podcast, it has been past overdue and to be honest, I just need to be truthful and stop defending my father and my mother, by not participating in their behaviour. I just never imagined how problamatic the way I was raised was in my seeking out of relationships; thus why I have kept trying to improve my relationships with my friends by reasearching ways that I could improve from my side. Or at least that was my approach back a few years ago; I was in the wrong and all my anxiety came from always thinking I was in the wrong with my interactions. But the more I listened to Stef's podcasts the more I would realize how mostly every body around me had their own problems and showed huge favoratism towards beliefs that would favor them more despite the truth-value of the arguments that we were having. I guess that is how my parents sabotaged my ability to create rational and moral friendships. I'm 21 now with some skills, but with some very bad decisions such as a college degree that I have not yet finished and that I find no will or passion towards. I am looking for a job, so that I can depart from my parents. It's been quite a pain, to even do that and maybe I have not placed my whole effort into it. I don't even understand why, but I have an educated guess that there is quite a struggle between my true self and my false self, as from the argument presented by Stefan.

I'm here now and open to any arguments about the truth.

 

[Jose Perez]

Thank you for sharing this, you put it very well and I felt identified reading it. Here my thoughts:

You're not leaving anyone. You (your true self and full integrity) are being left by your family and society. This is a process that is well complete for most by the time they reach 21. You are one of the few who have resisted and want to remain alive and open to reality and reason. This is not easy but don't think you are leaving anyone; in cutting contact you'd simply be enacting the disconnectedness that they caused. 

I hope this is helpful. I really sympathise with your situation; you don't have to make big compromises, just let it all happen organically as a result of your understanding of your situation - which rationally so also involves your practical needs and well being, of course.

 

[Alexandru Stan]

Oh man it's been quite a lot of anxiety. Not having anybody to really talk about topics of interpersonal relationships and parenting on the receiving end, is sometimes hard. I can see that whenever I do bring up these topics with my friends, there is usually nothing in return, me talking and them listening, and mostly I have realized that it's because their lack of experience in the subject. I guess I was not raised to well, nor have I choose friends that I could communicate experiences of my childhood and now.But I'm guessing that the root to my problem has more to do with not actually achieving my potential, and becoming an individual. And I've found so many roadblocks such as schooling and the decision my parents took to try to control my behavior, and the many counterproductive and negative actions that could be the cause of so many problems in finding true friends and achieving my actualization, or even my preparedness in necessary employment skills.In response to the disconnectedness they caused: I do believe that has been a topic that I have been wrestling with. I have thought about what you said in the manner that if I leave it only reflects the behavior that they choose against me back at them. But I guess my point is not to create the same effect that they have achieved on me but to actually rationally disconnect myself from the behavior that my parents enact when exercising their will over my choices.To the organic matter: I am really anxious when it comes to exactly dealing with that. I have some student debt that I have to pay now for an education that I can't say is something that I wanted but choose due to some bad decisions and mostly because the anxiety that my parents have caused by strongly addressing my need to go to school and imposing their will on me to achieve their own reasoning. I don't have a job right now, although I am actively looking, and I also don't have any place where I would feel secure since I have moved to the states some 10 years ago; I have no relatives for that matter, nor yet do I feel comfortable with my friends about these topics, to ask for some time at their houses, which for that reason they are yet not independent themselves, for me to ask them such a question. My doubts are as you have pointed out, aimed at my need and well being that I cannot achieve unless I begin my self-actualization.Thank you for the response, and the personal note of your sympathy. I extend the same back since I know how hard it is to deal with such topics that are not only controversial but also alienating.

[DaisyAnarchist]

Can you elaborate more on the feeling of a stalemate with regards to leaving your parents? Why is it that you feel this stalemate? I know you mentioned that you don't want to leave your younger brother with them. That is a very valid reason. I think it would help you to expand on that a bit.

I have a similar anxiety about leaving my mother, although it is just her and I living together. And well, a cat. She is not abusive in the sense that she wants me to take any career path in particular, nor has she ever physically threatened me, but it does feel like there's some psychological abuse I've suffered. Leaving her would be to leave her by herself... my father already left, so I feel like it's my duty to be loyal, I guess. In any case, it's really frustrating, because I often feel like I can't really move forward like this. Introspection and reflection helps though.

I think if you evaluate what it is that makes you feel like you're stuck, it will help you progress forward. Even if you're still at your parents house. Keep talking to people about it, I find there are quite a number of people here willing to listen and extend sympathies and advice. It's really amazing. I am one that's willing to listen as well, so feel free to just let your stream of emotions and thoughts out. 

[cherapple]

 

 

I have a similar anxiety about leaving my mother, although it is just her and I living together. And well, a cat. She is not abusive in the sense that she wants me to take any career path in particular, nor has she ever physically threatened me, but it does feel like there's some psychological abuse I've suffered. Leaving her would be to leave her by herself... my father already left, so I feel like it's my duty to be loyal, I guess. In any case, it's really frustrating, because I often feel like I can't really move forward like this. Introspection and reflection helps though.

 

 

Daisy, is the anxiety that you feel about leaving your mother hers, or yours? Is the duty yours, do you willingly and gladly choose it, or is the duty one that your mother wants you to have? Who is benefiting by you not "moving forward"? How do you benefit by staying? It sounds like a really mind-fogging situation. It's not your fault that your mother chose your father, a man who left her, and you don't owe her your presence in his absence, although she may want you to believe you do. Have you talked to her about the possibility of moving out, and how you feel a duty to stay?

[cherapple]

 

"I was in the wrong and all my anxiety came from always thinking I was in the wrong with my interactions.

 

 

Welcome, Alex. I'm sorry to start with a response to Daisy on your introductory thread.

You are doing a lot of difficult and admirable self-work. I would be careful not to own "your" anxiety. Own it in the sense that you feel it, but not in the sense that you chose it or inflicted it upon yourself. Anxiety can be such a difficult and painful emotion that carves your brain into "fight-or-flight" mode. In my experience, relaxing into myself has been like climbing a double Mt. Everest, but I started at 41 and you're starting at 21.

I think the best thing you can do for your younger brother is what you're already doing. Give him an example of self-work like he's seeing nowhere else. Perhaps you could even talk to him about what you're doing, and if you decide to leave, the memory will stick with him and at some point he will come to you. He may not be able to understand or process it now, but you an be sure some part of him will understand, even if he's not able to be fully conscious of it. It's really, really difficult, but you want to give him an example of someone who wants self-knowledge, rather than of someone who avoids it. If you stay behind for him, he will know that you've sacrificed yourself for him, and a part of him will likely feel guilty and resent it. You didn't bring him into this world. Your parents did. You are not responsible for him, or for saving him. Most of all, you want your brother to be able to someday be responsible for himself. You can only hope to do that by being that—for yourself.

Thanks for sharing yourself here.

[Jose Perez]

 

I think the best thing you can do for your younger brother is what you're already doing. Give him an example of self-work like he's seeing nowhere else. Perhaps you could even talk to him about what you're doing, and if you decide to leave, the memory will stick with him and at some point he will come to you. He may not be able to understand or process it now, but you an be sure some part of him will understand, even if he's not able to be fully conscious of it. It's really, really difficult, but you want to give him an example of someone who wants self-knowledge, rather than of someone who avoids it. If you stay behind for him, he will know that you've sacrificed yourself for him, and a part of him will likely feel guilty and resent it. You didn't bring him into this world. Your parents did. You are not responsible for him, or for saving him. Most of all, you want your brother to be able to someday be responsible for himself. You can only hope to do that by being that—for yourself.

 

Well put. I agree 100%.

The only thing I would add is that it's important to keep in mind what the child's natural tendency is and where all his attachment mechanism is pointing: the parents. I think this is very helpful in coming to accept your particular situation and how much of an individual work this is. In my experience, the idea of influencing other people – especially children – really must be given up as a goal to be achieved. With children you have very little influence and you'll probably blow your chances of having any by just thinking about it – and the younger they are the more they get what you are really all about.

Similarly, I would encourage anyone to be very skeptical of anyone trying to "save them". It very likely means that they cannot save themselves. 

 

[cherapple]

 

Similarly, I would encourage anyone to be very skeptical of anyone trying to "save them". It very likely means that they cannot save themselves. 

 

My experience matches that. Beware of compulsive "helpers" and of your own need to help. If the need has the strength of compulsion, then it's a helpless part trying to compensate for what it's lacking.

[Jose Perez]

 

In response to the disconnectedness they caused: I do believe that has been a topic that I have been wrestling with. I have thought about what you said in the manner that if I leave it only reflects the behavior that they choose against me back at them. But I guess my point is not to create the same effect that they have achieved on me but to actually rationally disconnect myself from the behavior that my parents enact when exercising their will over my choices.

 

I'm not sure you understood what I meant. Leaving is not something you willingly do or have any "point to create an effect", as you say; it is just a reaction that you will become increasingly unable to repress as you grow in awareness of your past and family situation. (I can imagine this is particularly painful in your situation, where you're struggling to become independent also economically.) What you can do, though, is suppress it. This means that you can accept the knowledge you gain and the difficult emotions it brings but leave them aside for a purpose that you can rationally justify to yourself. Your unconscious will cooperate with you whenever it is really true that you are not able to share what is going on with these people (as in you have economic or personal constraints) – it will even help you lying if need be.

On the other hand, you might find that you have a lot to gain from interacting to them still. I think many therapy-hours can be saved with a 5 min. conversation with the right relative/partner in many cases. Have you read Stef's book Real-Time Relationships?

 

To the organic matter: I am really anxious when it comes to exactly dealing with that. I have some student debt that I have to pay now for an education that I can't say is something that I wanted but choose due to some bad decisions and mostly because the anxiety that my parents have caused by strongly addressing my need to go to school and imposing their will on me to achieve their own reasoning. 

 

Can you explain how your parents impose their will on you? How have your conversations with them about these important choices ended, and do they believe you accept their "reasoning"? You said you wanted to "rationally disconnect myself from the behavior that my parents enact when exercising their will over my choices.", what do you mean by this and how do they exercise it? I think this is important to understand the anxiety you feel. I am very sorry this happened to you, this is terrible... Only you can make your own choices; even if your parents got you to do what they wanted, due to their power over you, it is ultimately you who is choosing to do that –  do you agree with this?

[DaisyAnarchist]

Cherapple:

Daisy, is the anxiety that you feel about leaving your mother hers, or yours? Is the duty yours, do you willingly and gladly choose it, or is the duty one that your mother wants you to have? Who is benefiting by you not "moving forward"? How do you benefit by staying? It sounds like a really mind-fogging situation. It's not your fault that your mother chose your father, a man who left her, and you don't owe her your presence in his absence, although she may want you to believe you do. Have you talked to her about the possibility of moving out, and how you feel a duty to stay?

I think it's both but I think it could be greater on her end, even if she doesn't realize it. Emotionally, she's a brick wall. I really can't tell what's going on. No, I don't gladly stay, and she never explicitly put the obligation on me, but I'm all she has. She never dreamed big in life, or if she did, my dad shattered that a long time ago and now she contentedly works her medical billing job, never aspiring for anything greater. I suppose some would say that her content attitude is a great achievement, that she can be happy doing a job that's nothing to rant or rave about. The main way I benefit by staying is that it's financially secure. I think she'll let me stay dependent on her for as long as I want, and I both appreciate it and hate it. She never really taught me life skills, nor encouraged socializing. She says every so often that these are times when families should stick together but... I'm 22, I want to get the fuck out. I don't want dependency on her or the government. I've talked to her about moving out, but it's like she doesn't take it seriously. She acknoledges it and seems calm and all, but little comments like, "when I get my tax return next year we'll buy a bigger tv" as if I'm going to be there next year?? She's always been difficult to figure out emotionally. Approaching this kind of communication is necessary, I know that, but extremely intimidating. I feel like I'd be treading on thin ice. I've never told her how I really feel, I don't want to shatter this... security or whatever it is that currently exists between us. 

[Alexandru Stan]

 

 

"I was in the wrong and all my anxiety came from always thinking I was in the wrong with my interactions.

 

 

Welcome, Alex. I'm sorry to start with a response to Daisy on your introductory thread.

You are doing a lot of difficult and admirable self-work. I would be careful not to own "your" anxiety. Own it in the sense that you feel it, but not in the sense that you chose it or inflicted it upon yourself. Anxiety can be such a difficult and painful emotion that carves your brain into "fight-or-flight" mode. In my experience, relaxing into myself has been like climbing a double Mt. Everest, but I started at 41 and you're starting at 21.

I think the best thing you can do for your younger brother is what you're already doing. Give him an example of self-work like he's seeing nowhere else. Perhaps you could even talk to him about what you're doing, and if you decide to leave, the memory will stick with him and at some point he will come to you. He may not be able to understand or process it now, but you an be sure some part of him will understand, even if he's not able to be fully conscious of it. It's really, really difficult, but you want to give him an example of someone who wants self-knowledge, rather than of someone who avoids it. If you stay behind for him, he will know that you've sacrificed yourself for him, and a part of him will likely feel guilty and resent it. You didn't bring him into this world. Your parents did. You are not responsible for him, or for saving him. Most of all, you want your brother to be able to someday be responsible for himself. You can only hope to do that by being that—for yourself.

Thanks for sharing yourself here.

 

 

I understand how I do not own my own anxiety. Thank you for the very well described argument there.

 

As for my brother I have tried just that. I try every interactions with him be as exemplary of my self-work as I can.
I sometimes remind him of who is responsible for him, whenever he comes to me for any preferences my parents are not fullfilling to him. Some are not preferences either, like food or basic neccesities.
Responsibility is something I have always been a bit anxious about. I constantly have responsibility shifted to me and I really don't know how to respond to it besides doing it so I can feel safe in their house.
But recently I have been able to talk to some friends and one of my employers which I had preematurely left withouth notice. It seems like a trend though, because not acting on my responsibility brings anxiety as well, so I find that as a positive. Not fullfiling something that I agreed to, is a lie and I want to strive for credibility in my life.

And I see the argument for why he would think I sacrifices my self for him. I just don't understand why I think of it as a stalemate for my decisions?

 

[Alexandru Stan]

 

 

I think the best thing you can do for your younger brother is what you're already doing. Give him an example of self-work like he's seeing nowhere else. Perhaps you could even talk to him about what you're doing, and if you decide to leave, the memory will stick with him and at some point he will come to you. He may not be able to understand or process it now, but you an be sure some part of him will understand, even if he's not able to be fully conscious of it. It's really, really difficult, but you want to give him an example of someone who wants self-knowledge, rather than of someone who avoids it. If you stay behind for him, he will know that you've sacrificed yourself for him, and a part of him will likely feel guilty and resent it. You didn't bring him into this world. Your parents did. You are not responsible for him, or for saving him. Most of all, you want your brother to be able to someday be responsible for himself. You can only hope to do that by being that—for yourself.

 

Well put. I agree 100%.

The only thing I would add is that it's important to keep in mind what the child's natural tendency is and where all his attachment mechanism is pointing: the parents. I think this is very helpful in coming to accept your particular situation and how much of an individual work this is. In my experience, the idea of influencing other people – especially children – really must be given up as a goal to be achieved. With children you have very little influence and you'll probably blow your chances of having any by just thinking about it – and the younger they are the more they get what you are really all about.

Similarly, I would encourage anyone to be very skeptical of anyone trying to "save them". It very likely means that they cannot save themselves. 

 

 

 

The argument about trying to change resonates very well with me as well since I know how much anxiety it brings me when interacting with my brother and only seeing the parts of my parents I find negative, imprinted on him and in his mentality and tone and everything.

When you said "It very likely means that they cannot save themselves," I also felt anxious. Actually re-reading that I understood wrong. I thought your argument was pointed at the helper instead of the person helped. I sometimes associated myself as somebody able to help others, but I have started to understand that I just need to help myself. I restrain from that in my recent interactions just because I know that the only way to be of any help is to create the example. I am skeptical and have expressed it recently in an argument with a friend, weather it is alright to try to take it as your responsibility to help someone. The conclusion I arrived at was that my friend was trying to make the argument for "helping" a friend in order to increase his own happiness, despite him not perceiving that he assumed his happiness should be derived from someone else. This is a side-topic but I would like to get feedback on that and if it is necessary and it is worthy of discussion then I will provide more details as the need arises.

And also I'm very skeptical of the idea of being saved also because following my parents and going with what they have told me has not brought my happiness.

 

[Alexandru Stan]

 

 

Similarly, I would encourage anyone to be very skeptical of anyone trying to "save them". It very likely means that they cannot save themselves. 

 

My experience matches that. Beware of compulsive "helpers" and of your own need to help. If the need has the strength of compulsion, then it's a helpless part trying to compensate for what it's lacking.

 

Yes, I could not agree more, I wrote a bit on that in Joseito's previous post. But can you please clarify this statement, "If the need has the strength of compulsion." I don't understand, who's need, and what compulsion. Well the compulsion of helping I'm guessing. But then do you mean if the need of helping has the strength of the compulsion to help?

[LibertyDefender]

Dear Alex...Stan? Alex/Stan?

     Ignoring the extremely important meta-physical questions you have raised and are being addressed on this thread, are you still looking for a job? If you still are, and lack a college degree, but want fulfillment (and are open to my two cents), my question is this: Does working in a hospital appeal at all to you? Think you could stomach it? I am a '07 grad who jumped into the job pool right as the economy was collapsing. I worked as a tech in a hospital for three years before going back to school for what I do now, in a completely different field. And yet, that was some of the most rewarding and meaningful work I was ever involved in. You can get your CNA license relatively cheaply and quickly. Hours, in my experience, were phenomenal; I worked three or four days a week for 12 hours and then had an extra day off. It gives you a lot of extra time for hobbies, soul-searching, or planning on going back to school if that is your eventual goal.

 

-Phil

[Jose Perez]

 

When you said "It very likely means that they cannot save themselves," I also felt anxious. Actually re-reading that I understood wrong. I thought your argument was pointed at the helper instead of the person helped.

 

No, it is pointed at the helper. 

 

I sometimes associated myself as somebody able to help others, but I have started to understand that I just need to help myself. I restrain from that in my recent interactions just because I know that the only way to be of any help is to create the example.

 

Still, you cannot create the example if you are not guided by your own self interest. When we want to help someone so bad that we will resort to these indirect means with a conscious aim to create an impression in the other person, it means that the motivation to help was not healthy ("compulsive" as cherapple was saying).  

 

[Jose Perez]

 

 

 

Similarly, I would encourage anyone to be very skeptical of anyone trying to "save them". It very likely means that they cannot save themselves. 

 

My experience matches that. Beware of compulsive "helpers" and of your own need to help. If the need has the strength of compulsion, then it's a helpless part trying to compensate for what it's lacking.

 

Yes, I could not agree more, I wrote a bit on that in Joseito's previous post. But can you please clarify this statement, "If the need has the strength of compulsion." I don't understand, who's need, and what compulsion. Well the compulsion of helping I'm guessing. But then do you mean if the need of helping has the strength of the compulsion to help?

 

I think the best way to see if a certain motivation to help is unhealthy is to simply ask yourself the objective reasons for it. If the reasons are not based on objective experience (the helped person's behaviour or qualities about them that you like...) but respond to abstract ideals ("the universe is love"), categorizations ("brothers must love one another") or unquestionable propositions ("I love my brother").

When I got to the point of contacting my younger sister about what I was doing not speaking to my parents, I was moved by a certain motivation to help her. I had a simple conversation with her where I tried to remind her of fond experiences we had had as children which I knew were associated to our true selves – I also apologised for my having been abusive towards her at times, which still makes me very sad. To my surprise she had forgotten these early childhood memories, but kept the older ones. I also tried to see if she could question the authority of my parents or see the logical impossibility and abusive nature of the values she was defending with regards to my family – to no avail. This was enough to defuse my original motivation, which I believe was weak anyway because I knew deep down she would not want to change. Right now, even though I can remember how much goodness we shared, I know any motivation to help her would not stem from the right place and would be a completely blind and irrational thing to do in the light of her actual, current behaviour – I think it's unlikely but who knows if she will change in the future. Anyway, I hope this gives you some perspective about your situation with your brother.

Have you looked at Ayn Rand's philosophy? I think the idea of

 clarifies this a lot, since it puts it in a logical perspective. You have to bear in mind that parents are the ultimate "helpers" of their children in bringing them up, and that therefore any motivation to help others in adults is likely to contain the feelings of obligation that bad parents projected onto their children.

 

[Alexandru Stan]

 

I'm not sure you understood what I meant. Leaving is not something you willingly do or have any "point to create an effect", as you say; it is just a reaction that you will become increasingly unable to repress as you grow in awareness of your past and family situation. (I can imagine this is particularly painful in your situation, where you're struggling to become independent also economically.) What you can do, though, is suppress it. This means that you can accept the knowledge you gain and the difficult emotions it brings but leave them aside for a purpose that you can rationally justify to yourself. Your unconscious will cooperate with you whenever it is really true that you are not able to share what is going on with these people (as in you have economic or personal constraints) – it will even help you lying if need be.

On the other hand, you might find that you have a lot to gain from interacting to them still. I think many therapy-hours can be saved with a 5 min. conversation with the right relative/partner in many cases. Have you read Stef's book Real-Time Relationships?

 

Yes I do think i get how me leaving is not a point to create effect but has risen because I have started to do some self work and realized how pointless it is to be around my parents.

Lying has been a part of how I deal with my parents at times. I guess not being economically independent and also being threatened to be thrown out if I don't obey their wishes may have had to do with that. This was a recent incident where I tried to confront my father about hitting my brother for not responding to some request my father had made. I asked my father if he was in any way helping my brother and then I also escalated it, irrationally so, to saying that I would call the cops if something like this happened again. Obviously I was told if anything like that happened I would be thrown out of the house. I don't really know why I said that in the moment, I know I felt really anxious, to the point of not being able to talk right. But that opened the door for me to hint at weather the same behavior that my father used toward my brother, has helped me become a healthy individual now (I was exposed to similar abuse). I received no answer for that answer just a rebuttal to how I do not have any say in the house if I don't bring any money in. I think that was in a way my 5 min conversation to gain the insight of what my father thinks and has thought about, my brother, me and even my mother.
And also now that you bring up that I could use lying as a mechanism to achieve my economic independence, seems very useful. I don't think I could have the same conversations with my father at least and risk not having a place to go, at least in the short term.
And the reason why I waited to post a reply to this was mostly because I was trying to listen to Real Time Relationships. I have had some really clumsy experiences with downloading the file and not being able to listen to more then 20 min of it. I'm starting to read it instead.

 

Can you explain how your parents impose their will on you? How have your conversations with them about these important choices ended, and do they believe you accept their "reasoning"? You said you wanted to "rationally disconnect myself from the behavior that my parents enact when exercising their will over my choices.", what do you mean by this and how do they exercise it? I think this is important to understand the anxiety you feel. I am very sorry this happened to you, this is terrible... Only you can make your own choices; even if your parents got you to do what they wanted, due to their power over you, it is ultimately you who is choosing to do that –  do you agree with this?

 

As from above I think because I was under the impression that I had no economic (I did not have legal right to work in the USA until about close to 2 years now) opportunity, I could not survive alone if my parents decided to throw me out. Which was a threat made not only in private, but even mentioned out at dinner parties while I was right there. As to the conversations that I have had with mostly my father when it came down to important choices like going to college, I would always back off my argument and not give any impression that I agreed with his reasoning. I think my father just assumed that I accepted the reasoning, even though I never did; but I never was verbal about it, although we had many other recurrences of the same arguments about school and eventually I was just told that I should not come back with the same preferences, of not staying in school or of swithcing majors, and usually followed by some sort of verbal threat. I think my anxiety took it's toll me, since most of the time the conversations would be either verbally abusive or controlling, as in no matter what my choices were the reasoning that my father gave would be absolute and unchanging.

I have accepted that going to school was my choice, I just don't know how I would have dealt with the assumption that I would be thrown out if I did not obey. At the time when I started my schooling I had no working permit in the United States. But I have taken it upon myself to not continue my schooling because of how useless I have seen it be, and also how unable I have been to keep my grades afloat in the past semester or so. And yea I agree with your reasoning about me choosing in the end, I guess I just don't understand why my fear of my father is so great that I would obey instead of figure out a way to get out of the relationship.

[Alexandru Stan]

 

Dear Alex...Stan? Alex/Stan?

     Ignoring the extremely important meta-physical questions you
have raised and are being addressed on this thread, are you still
looking for a job? If you still are, and lack a college degree, but want
fulfillment (and are open to my two cents), my question is this: Does
working in a hospital appeal at all to you? Think you could stomach it? I
am a '07 grad who jumped into the job pool right as the economy was
collapsing. I worked as a tech in a hospital for three years before
going back to school for what I do now, in a completely different field.
And yet, that was some of the most rewarding and meaningful work I was
ever involved in. You can get your CNA license relatively cheaply and
quickly. Hours, in my experience, were phenomenal; I worked three or
four days a week for 12 hours and then had an extra day off. It gives
you a lot of extra time for hobbies, soul-searching, or planning on
going back to school if that is your eventual goal.

 

-Phil

 

Thank you so much Phil, I will defenetly look into that. I had bumped into something similar when doing some job searches recently. I'm just wondering what the technical name for the job is or what indicates it? And also how long do you think the training is and is it offered on the job or it has to be achieved prior to applying?
What is it that you found minigful in the job? I don't have any particular concern about what you have mentioned as part of the job, but do let me know what your expereince was going in, and what motivated you.
Thx a bunch for your help.

[Alexandru Stan]

 

No, it is pointed at the helper.

 

I have no idea how I came to that conclusion. Thx for the clarification.

 

Still, you cannot create the example if you are not guided by your own self interest. When we want to help someone so bad that we will resort to these indirect means with a conscious aim to create an impression in the other person, it means that the motivation to help was not healthy ("compulsive" as cherapple was saying).  

 

I think what I meant to say is that after I changed my behavior from trying to help people to just trying to fix myself, the work that I did would come up in my conversations and from that my friends would respond differently to me. I think I just assumed that it was me creating an example for them, when as you have said it takes a whole lot to work focusing on my problems right now. I guess recently as oppose to when I was younger, I have not made attempts to help people as often just because I figured that I might not be as knowledgeable about the "problem," and that I could not assume that they somehow needed help.

[LibertyDefender]

The job title would be either a CNA (Certified Nurse's Assistant) or a technician. The training isn't bad, research it online via the Red Cross and local hospitals, either one will be running courses from time to time, it will literally be a few weeks (three months tops). There is a lot of on the job training the form of experience, but most on the job actual training would be for optional specialties you would want to learn. For instance, phlebotomy (blood drawing) training or some such thing. I found my interactions with all kinds of people, the stories I heard and the ways in which I was able to help in the process of healing (albeit many times miniscle) to have been much more rewarding than anything else I have ever done. I was motivated by both a family history of working in medicine, and the fact that I graduated from college in '07 with an oh-so-useful History degree. The market collapsed, I was looking for work, blah, blah, blah; I think you get the rest. As I said, it is a great bridge job into other healthcare jobs or even a job outside of healthcare and probably would give you plenty of downtime to enjoy and better yourself. In my case, I did something entirely different and became and accountant, but I still miss the hospital. If this hasn't helped, or if you have further questions, do not hesitate to reach out.

-Phil