_Michael Posted June 16, 2013 Posted June 16, 2013 First i want to tell that i feel little(or much) shy about myself writing here. I think it is time to stop hitting the wall, and trying to break thru others denials(being masochistic) and try to be open with people who really can listen - this community? I feel like an outcast and i have fear that here i will be too. But meybe this is up to me, when i will be open about my past and this will gradually change. I am from abusive family. My father was an alcoholic, wich everyone collectively denial, and pathologize me for telling this - "get over this, forget, go with your life, you making her/him hurt, dont fight". I am tired of this. I feel like constantly someone chasing me for what i have in my head. Maybe here i will be not pathologize for telling this. My family sell me to my mothers world of denial, her sense of stability which must be me staing silent. I always feel that this is my life purpose. And i dont see other. I am trying to do self theraphy - Daniel Mackler, but anxiety about what I discover is too overwhelming and i need support. I get back to my food addiction constantly. My mother was religious, but in a bigotry way. I must go to church, pray before the night. She was abusive. Hits me and my brother often, yell at me. Yust as my nearly always absent father. I feel ashamed of telling this. I feel like I was the problem all my life, not that i have problems. I need feedback about my english. I always feel like it is poor, but i dont know is this annoing to read what i write(in sense of language)? So. Hello again.
Magenta Posted June 16, 2013 Posted June 16, 2013 I don't think you're an outcast. People who don't want to acknoledge difficult facts and subjects likely try to outcast you so that they do not have to face difficult situations. Stef talks about this much in his early podcasts - people would not even acknowledge his situation likely because it made them uncomfortable and they'd rather pretend it didn't exist, or that he - a helpless child - was the problem rather than the parents. I'm very sorry to hear that your family was like that, no one deserves such treatment. You said you feel ashamed for your familial situation. Do you feel that you had a part in causing it? It doesn't sound like you did. Your written English is as good as a native speaker. Welcome to the boards. How did you find Freedomain Radio?
_Michael Posted June 16, 2013 Author Posted June 16, 2013 Thanks for warm welcome. Yes, intelectually I know this(about my family). But I isolating myself and i hope this forum will help me to get over this. I feel owfully rather with opennes and needing/not needing. I feel owful when I am on the table. But I need to overcome this. I know that this is becouse of them, i try to tell this to myself. Thanks for pointing this to me, this is helpful. I just registrate so I feel new and dont read much, but i view much of stef's videos on youtube, and I found them very encouriging and helpful in realizing my family situation. I think now i want and need to get more of the philosophy and community to get it to my life rather that only reading/watching.
JohnDJasper Posted June 16, 2013 Posted June 16, 2013 _Michael, You're English is miles better than my Polish (nonexistent) so do not apologise for it. The more you use it, the better it will get.You already know that you're not the cause of your dysfunctional family life, only the victim, so the real problem is convincing your subconscious mind, which is where the hard work is. Besides getting some professional therapy, which might be out of your reach for various reasons, one thing you can do to self-help is to immerse yourself in the helpful writings and podcasts that are available from Freedomain.com and other sources. I listened to the mp3 versions of Stefan's books several times to help drive in the logic arguments provided and I usually listen at least twice to any of his podcasts that I find helpful. Your need seems to be greater than mine so read or listen to Stefan's material and when you find one that really resonates with you, go through it repeatedly until you cannot stand it any more! Then revisit it at a later date. And yes, get involved in the discussions on the forum and be forthcoming with your feelings and concerns. The worst that can happen is some inconsiderate person may make an insensitive comment (or maybe an insensitive person will make an inconsiderate comment?!!!) but as we like to say in the UK, ignore it "like water off a duck's back!" Best wishes to you.
SirJamesIII Posted June 16, 2013 Posted June 16, 2013 As long as you tell yourself that you are an outcast, then you will be an outcast. If you truly are an outcast, in the strictest sense of the word, then you would be dead by now. The term "social outcast" is useless considering all social interaction is a combination of exclusionary rules (private property rights) and inclusionary rules (contracts/mutual exchange). I'm at a part where I have excluded almost all my peers, but I am no outcast. This was my choice. The way you use the term "outcast" is completely contrived. Your self-damning has origins in your parental abuse since you felt ostracized by your parents. But in the anarchist tradition, we know that we have a right to self-ownership and private property rights so that we may exclude those whose behavior is not universally preferable. It is your parents who would be ostracized in a free society. What you exprienced was slavery, not ostracism. You did not conform to the values of your parents, and they saw this as justification for abuse. But value is completely subjective, therefore violence justified on the account of breaking values can only result in a black hole of abuse. Self-abuse is equally unjustified because you have an internal value system, which you feel justifies self punishment when you do not follow your own code. This creates another black hole that is impossible to climb out of unless there is a paradigm shift in your thinking. In the realm of non-violent action, there are "wrong" actions, only actions that are preferred over the less preferred actions. But this is a praxeoligical constant for everyone. Everyone is continuously moving the least preferred state to the most preferred state, so if you are beating yourself up over this, then everyone else in the world should also do the same, but that is absurd. Food addiction lends comfort to your insecurity, but your insecurity is contrived, so your food addiction will never end as long as you admit to yourself that you are an outcast. You'll need to grow your balls a bit, but it's not your fault that you were castrated by your parents.
SirJamesIII Posted June 16, 2013 Posted June 16, 2013 meant to say "In the realm of non-violent action, there are no "wrong" actions..."[/font]
_Michael Posted June 17, 2013 Author Posted June 17, 2013 Thanks for welcome John Diasper. Sir James III. You have right with that outcast. I put myself in position of outcast, identified with that role, and feel that this is my need. In fact, this role prevent my true self and needs to manifest.
_Michael Posted June 18, 2013 Author Posted June 18, 2013 What do you mean by saing that my insecurity is "contrived"? Can you explain this more clearly?
SirJamesIII Posted June 18, 2013 Posted June 18, 2013 What do you mean by saing that my insecurity is "contrived"? Can you explain this more clearly? Well in my opinion, all insecurity is contrived. If something is contrived then that means it was intentionally created, but since it was not created from a natural sequence of events, it is artificial. You've created an idealized version of yourself in your head and you think this ideal character is not pleasing to the world. But you're posting on the freedomain board, so you've come a lot further than most people in my opinion. You speak at least two langauges and your English is great regardless of the circumstances, yet you are very self-conscious of it. I speak one language, so in that department, I'm definitely not as good as you. And this is an obvious fact, and you shouldn't even need me to remind you of this. You just need self-validation and everyone deserves that.
_Michael Posted June 20, 2013 Author Posted June 20, 2013 Thanks for that. I think that this is true. First mirrors are hardest to overcome. And I consciusly know it, that I can write english quite well, but that insecurity implanted by them is very strong, and i try to work this out. I know that i have much work to do with grieving. SirJames, you are good at cognitive site, and I appretiate this. On the other hand I sometimes feel guilty about that kind of answers you gave me, as I was with my sister, who want me to somehow get over this, this pain, that needed to be work out thru. I think both needed to be applied in therapy, but gently. Today I am in the state of hating my extended family. Realize that they are using me as "mascot". Gave candies, coddling. This is the same as my mother did to me, trying to recompensate lack of love and truth about what is going on, what her and my father do. And I realize, that my extended family, and people in general, do the same thing. They treat me not like person, who suffer, who is ashamed about his pain, but like mascot who needed to be cheered up. I realize that this was there need, and that that was abusive to me. I was in the grocery store today, and there was women with her mother and children. Boy simmer his sister, and mothe of that women tell him to stop, then this women do the same. She just constantly repeating what her mother say, and not doing anythink to stop him, defend that smaller child. They just stay there giving orders to this boy. Shopkeeper just smile to them. I was freeze, dealing with my anxiety. I realize that i am stuck in the realm of my childhood, where no one saw what I am going thru. Everyone was with my mother, who play victim. i constantly feel bad about being open. I hesitate between staing silent, tell about this someone in private, or in this topic. But everywhere i feel this shame that tell me to be silent and feel bad about opennes, so i give up, and fuck this voice up.
_Michael Posted August 9, 2013 Author Posted August 9, 2013 Hello Thomas. I live in Poznań. This is too far for me right now to met you.. Thanks for you words. I write sms to my mother. I do that sometimes. I dont know why. Some kind of desperation i think. What I get? Forget, it will be bether for you and all of us, if you stop telling me about how I abuse and not protect you, how you was neglected when you was a child. Why cant live my life? Heh? Why cant I? Why cant I... I feel devastated. I dont know how to speak to her. She just tell me that it would be better for everyone if i kill myself(edit. sory, I mean in meaning, that i should shut up, not in words - "kill yourself", I am sory for that exaggeration)... Or I miss "unconditional love" message..
_Michael Posted August 10, 2013 Author Posted August 10, 2013 She dont exacly use that word, but meaning is the same and this is something that is hard to handle. I was on 2 boards, in several therapies and 4 years on drugs. But my life is mess, my private life and relationships dont exist. My work relationships are too bad/non existed. I feel so isolated and alone. I know that i need therapy. I think I will try one more time with some ACoA free therapy.
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