Healthy Place or Derailing?

[Melesina]

I'm writing to inquire if I'm in a healthy place or even on the right path.

After reading UPB, RTR, and On Truth, I embarked on listening to podcasts. After 100+ (which I know isn't many), I decided to take action and embark on an exploration of my IFS. Upon doing so, I quickly became disinterested in many things around me. I no longer want to watch movies or documentaries, music can make me extremely emotional, and other than being around co-workers during a work day, there is no social life.

I should mention that this timeframe saw the end of a 2 ½ year relationship with my boyfriend.

I'm not seeing a therapist, as this isn't something I can financially afford right now, so I'm trying to do this on my own. However, my fear is that I've slipped into a state of depression. I first felt this might be the case, when I kept having this recurring thought that there isn't any point in trying to socialize, as it would be a waste of time since most people around me in my daily round are ghosts.

Is it normal to isolate one's self while in this process?

[Stephen C]

If you're already surrounded by ghosts, who is there to isolate from?

[Melesina]

If you're already surrounded by ghosts, who is there to isolate from?

Good point, Stephen. I'll need to ponder that one. Does that mean I really am alone as I feel? If so, that would mean I'm not depressed, but merely displaced from those with whom we could enrich each other's lives meaningfully.

[Lians]

I don't know about others, but I spent an entire summer at home when I first discovered this show. I was only going out once a week to buy food. You're in the process of rebuilding most of your internal world. It's a delicate process that takes time. Moreover, this process can be easily disrupted by dysfunctional people.

 

I too see most people as ghost, but that doesn't particularly bother me any more. I choose to look for the living. It sure took a while to figure this out on an emotional level though.

[Wesley]

I did go through a similar experience. When you realize what a real relationship is, and then realize that none of your relationships qualify as real relationships, it can be a very difficult transition. Not because you are rejecting or isolating yourself, but because you realize how things actually are.

 

It can be confusing at times to make these life transitions, which is why it is better to go through it will a therapist's support, but you said this wasn't really possible for you right now.

 

I am very sorry that none of your friends and family made it through. That makes me very sad that you haven't had a relationship that was worth keeping. 

 

I do think it is good to recognize things as they are. It affords you the time to make good and healthy relationships, which this step allows you the opportunity to meet those kinds of people.

[cherapple]

The task of achieving self-knowledge does often make you feel worse before it makes you feel better. As you begin to experience your depths, you see more clearly your past shallowness, and the shallowness of others, and you may feel more isolated. This is the good news: That you are socializing with yourself on a level like never before. Over time, you will draw those to you who want to do the same. So goes the theory.

 

In practice, you may be experiencing the true pain of the isolation that was forced upon you as a child, the pain of the wound, so that you may heal it. Are you "isolating yourself," or are you feeling the pain of "having been isolated," or of being isolated in the present by those around you who don't want to do the work you're doing? 

[PatrickC]

Philosophy, self knowledge can be a dark place for some time, as you begin to unravel things for yourself.. A good therapist was very helpful for me during those times.. Otherwise I'd say journal daily, read up on some of the best authors on this stuff and try to surround yourself with people that understand what you are going through..

[Stephen C]

Does that mean I really am alone as I feel?

I'm not sure, but I'm curious to hear what answer comes to your mind. 

[Melesina]

Stephen, Lians, Wesley, Cherapple, Xelent:

Thank you all for the wonderful feedback. It's good to know I'm not the only one to experience this and that it's a natural part of the process.

Lians, “rebuilding my inner world” is a good way of putting it, as that's exactly what's happening. I can tell I've made progress, because I've reached a point where I have compassion with each voice within me. They are all me and deserve to be heard and understood.

I'm being gentle with myself; which in turn has made me feel very vulnerable to everything external and an instinct to protect is prevalent. This likely has a great deal to do with spending time staying safe at home and not venturing out; though this is the first time this reasoning has occurred to me.

Maybe the 'living' are around me, but I'm not seeing them yet because I'm still trying to see and recognize myself.

Yes, Wesley, recognizing the relationships in one's life that aren't real is a difficult part of this journey.

My previous friendships died a silent death.

My romantic relationship died a prolonged agonizing awakening of being very much in the wrong place. This would also be the case for my 30 year marriage that ended nearly six years ago. My inner critic can be a handful where this type of relationship is concerned, as it's her favorite chime to tell me that “there are over 7 billion people in the world, yet not one of them is a match for you”. These days when she says it, I give her a long reassuring hug and say, “He's out there, we simply haven't met yet. Be patient. There is much personal growth that needs to be made before you'll even recognize him.”

My relationship with my parents is strained, primarily with me internally because I won't defoo. That was a decision I made early on and the reason being that they're too elderly to make having that conversation be effectual. Also, they've announced they're ready to downsize and fully retire. As an only child (and being the person who owns the home they're living in) it falls to me to make this happen.

My relationship with my children is the one thing that gives me hope. My son is the one who introduced me to FDR and for two years now we've been having consistent ongoing discussions about FDR and our relationship with one another. My daughter is now also participating in the discussions and beginning to read the books and listen to podcasts. During this time, I found out I'm going to be a grandma for the first time. We are together fully embracing the past, present, and future. The future is brighter because we've all three taken the red pill.

Which brings a question to mind...why do I feel isolation? I've been sitting here giving that considerable thought. My first response is that it's entirely internal isolation. Cherapple, while working through my IFS, a recurring feeling pops up of being excluded...of experiencing countless episodes throughout my childhood and adult life of being left out. The answer is currently eluding me, but my IFS and I will continue to work that one out internally and I feel I'm very close to figuring it out.

A longing persists of wanting to be a part of something.….okay, that statement gave me chills. So many times, I've heard Stef ask people during podcasts if something he says gives them chills. Xelent, apparently analyzing something by saying it or writing it down truly does give clarity...light bulb moment...

I am NOT alone. The living are indeed already around me. I AM a part of something; something so big I was only seeing the leaf on the tree and not the entire tree. My children and my grandchild...they ARE the living and the most important 'something'. Having embraced the journey together with all that FDR encompasses is...beautiful...Absolutely Beautiful!

At this moment I feel a sense that a weight has been lifted from my shoulders. I know and recognize I have many more internal strides to make; each day will continue to be a process of growth.

This step of inquiry and reflection has been a big one and has brought with it a sense of renewal. It may be a blustery, winter day outside, but the sun is shining through my windows!

Thank you all for helping me to reason through this vital step.

[Stephen C]

You're welcome. Thank you for helping yourself to reason through this vital step, Meli.