Mom keeps text messaging me

[giancoli]

Here is my previous post on some of my story: http://board.freedomainradio.com/topic/38334-hi-from-norway/

 

I live far apart from my family. I used to live in my dead grandfathers house before they sold the house. When they sold the house I drove 1000km far north to Tromsø. My parents tried to talk me out of this decision, but I ignored it.

In october/november or so they contacted me and wanted me to visit them. I refused. My mom managed to talk me into agreeing that they (my father and mother) come and visit me. When they came my mother had brought gifts, she said "I brought you this cooking pot, which I have promised you". I felt uncomfortable, I specifically said before they came to not bring any gifts. Now she said she had promised me this pot? The pot was bought with my dads money as usual. Not completely sure this is a manipulative strategy to make me feel guilty to give something back, I feel cynical about taking this point of view, but it certainly did not feel right. I wanted to refuse taking it, but gave in. There where other people around (those that shared my apartment) and I didn't want to make a scene. Also I decided to just play along, counting days until they left again.

 

Anyway. We used a lot of time looking at houses. I have gotten 100k $ from my grandfather on my fathers side. My father was really excited and had lots of enthusiasm. Checking the internet for different houses and apartments, arranging several each day. Some where really expensive, but managable. I would just be able to pay the interest of the loan. It did not feel right, but I got excited as well, I quite tired of living with strangers...

 

After they left I felt relieved. My mother called on the phone and started nagging me that I had to remember ordering airplane tickets for the Christmas holidays. I procrastinated it, I just couldn't do it. I really did not want to come and spend Christmas with them. I told her so. She said something like, come on it will be alright. It will be good for you. I ended up giving in. The tickets where quite expensive, since I waited for it so long.

 

After that I got really depressed. I started to isolate myself in the room and could not concentrate on the exams. I went back into a completely dysfunctional state that I have suffered from in the past. I ended up sleeping in the day and being awake in the night to avoid my room mates. All the exams went terrible, even though I had done a lot of ground work earlier in the semester. I started to realize that I could still change my mind, even though I had bought expensive tickets. Those money where gone anyway. I flipped back and forth, unable to make up my mind. Two days before I was supposed to go, I decided to not go, just enjoy my own company. All the roommates would leave and I could enjoy the silence. I had been hiding in my room, cooking food on a rice cooker and small hot plate. Now I could enjoy the living room and a real kitchen.

 

On the day I was supposed to leave I called my mother (around the time I was supposed to arrive). I told her that I really did not want to visit them, and that the truth was that I really did not enjoy Christmas, that it made me depressed spending time with them with all this exterior stuff; presents, food etc. but with an empty feeling inside. The "topics" of conversation also dives me insane. They are so vacuous and uninteresting. She got angry and sad. She kept saying what am I going to tell the others? She said she somehow had to bear the responsibility of me not coming, now they would be disappointed at her.

 

At a later phone call I told my mom that I did not want to see them anymore. I complained about their emotional neglect in my childhood. She kept saying thet they did as best they could. I was quite angry in this phone call and said that it was not good enough. She started crying. I said that crying was not going to change my mind. Then she started to say that I put the blame on them for my own misery. That I made up stories to justify my position in life. I threw the same thing back at her. That it could be argued that her story served her purposes in the exact same way. Then she got really angry and that really sharp voice came out of her. I can remember this voice from my childhood. It's really scary, really sharp and angry. It doesn't affect me ass much anymore though.

 

Next phone cal she pretended like nothing and started to tell me really detailed stuff about what had happened, the weather etc. I just told her, that I really did not care about all this, could she not remember our last call? She kept trying to just pretend like nothing and bring the conversation back to normal.

 

Now she keeps sending me text messages. Hope everything is fine! Hear the weather is nice. We have just been skiing etc.She keeps calling as well, but I don't pick it up.

It's freaking annoying!

 

I talked to my oldest sister the other day. She said I was being childish. Then she wanted to send me a gift, I said that I really did not want it, but she kept insisting. I felt guilty and gave in. The package has arrived, but I haven't picked it up yet. Should I send it back again?

 

So what is going on here. Why does my mother keep sending me text messages that are all happy happy, and just pretending she doesn't know that I really just want to be left alone?

 

My father has stopped all contact. He kept asking me if he could transfer the money from my grandfather. I kept saying that it was not in a hurry and that I didn't want them cause I was afraid that would make me unable to take student loans. Now I have decided to drop out of university. I told him he could send the money, but I have not heard anything from him. What's going on there? Is he afraid I will just waste them, now that he know I don't want to have anything to do with them? Or is he playing some kind of game?

 

I'm afraid calling him cause I know he will keep saying that I shouldn't have dropped out of college etc. All he ever talks about is what I'm supposed to do according to "the script". I have followed that script long enough now and it makes me miserable. If I talk about his emotional absence when I was growing up he either goes into anger/rage mode. Or he uses the pity game, making me feeling guilty.

 

A long rant. I just could not sleep and felt like venting. (also I checked my phone and there it was another message from my mother)

 

 

 

[dsayers]

It will be good for you.

To this, I would've asked, "How do you know?" It's one of the most important questions anybody could ask.

I talked to my oldest sister the other day. She said I was being childish.

I'm really sorry to read this. Did she even try to make sense of your feelings before using them to shame you? Again, how does she know?I admit I haven't read the other thread, but I'm really sorry anything was done to you that could make you feel this way. Though I'm also glad that the despair has given you the strength to stand up to it.I would change my number immediately if I were you. Your mother's behavior is meant to revictimize you while helping her to maintain a fantasy whereby she's a model individual, ineligible for scrutiny. For as long as that is true (in her mind), she can very easily disregard anybody that suggests she's accountable for her actions that were not so savory.Was the money in question part of a will? What I mean is, if your father were to hold it indefinitely, would you have recourse in recovering it?

[giancoli]

thanks for the reply dsayers! I realize the post was pretty long and not interesting enough for most people to bother replying, I appreciate you response!

[Panoptic]

Hi giancoli. I went back and read your first topic and this one and so I will answer both. I feel terrible for what happened in your childhood. It was actually a bit of a learning experience for me because there are so many things you mention that are similar to my childhood that I have not thought about too much. The extremely superficial conversations with my parents, the isolation from extended family (which I guess could be a good or bad thing), the passive aggression in the family, etc. I teared up reading your story. Its so sad to see this happen to somebody. Although I have similar issues I have yet to actually feel empathy for myself because I have not gotten into my self work too much yet.

 

I also have never had close friends and continue to lack them in college. I also have significantly lowered the frequency I speak with my parents.

Once I came to college I began talking with them multiple times a day because I had nobody else to talk to, but eventually I realized that they obviously did not care about my concerns and issues and so I lost all interest in speaking with them. It seems impossible to find somebody to talk to about life issues.

 

I admire your strength and I believe you are on the right path to recovery. It seems like your largest issues are guilt, not fear. I think I also have a problem with guilt. I'm not sure why but I have a very high susceptibility to guilt and I become very guilty when my parents do not approve of something I want to do and very good when they do approve of something I want to do. Is this something that you can relate to?

 

It seems like your mother is afraid of losing control over the relationship. That is understandable for somebody who has essentially had control over you for your whole childhood. Have you gone into detail explaining all of these feelings you have to your parents or other family members?

 

I see that depression is also a problem. Depression is a sign that you have given up hope. It is almost like an acceptance that life is miserable and there is nothing to be done about it. That is not true at all. Look at how far you've come from your childhood. You are extremely intelligent because of the progress you've been making. I think that in order to get rid of the depression you need to realize a few things. Realize that you had no choice in your upbringing and that your parents are responsible for their actions. Then realize that you are also responsible for your own actions (which you already have) and that you have made unprecedented progress in your life so far. Essentially, you can not change your past, but you can change your future. You HAVE been changing your future by working in the present. You are a human being. I think that maybe you continue to beat yourself up over past issues instead of realizing that the only thing that matters is NOW. Even if you have made mistakes in the past, mistakes are necessary in order to advance. You started off in a bad place and learned to survive your childhood by developing bad habits such as feeling guilt. It is inevitable that, in reteaching yourself the proper way to live your life, you will make mistakes.

 

You should not feel like you will never be happy or never be happy with a romantic relationship. Although I do think that some self-work is necessary before getting into a relationship, I also think that a relationship can involve self-improvement for both people where you help each other out with their personal issues, as long as there is an agreement that will not allow the relationship to degenerate. In other words, you do not have to be perfect to find love, I think that learning about yourself with somebody else can be an adventure where the other person supports you, as long as both people are at relatively the same level of self-knowledge (i.e. self maturity). But this will be for you to decide. Maybe there are certain issues that you would like to fix before a relationship like I do, but having other people to help you through will be good. I think having friends interested in self-knowledge is extremely beneficial.

 

Have you tried journaling? I have not yet begun to journal but I have done tons of thinking in my free time. Writing your thoughts out like you've done here on the board is a very good way to elaborate on thoughts and understand yourself. Journaling though allows you to do it everyday (or every other day, whatever you want). Its good to explain to the paper how you are feeling, its like you have somebody to speak with.

[giancoli]

Thanks a lot Extraordinary_rendition this meant a lot to me.

Just got up, a new week. If I at least can start trying to do something about my situation I will be much more happy.

I subscribed to your youtube channel, by the way.

 

I have not tried journaling, maybe I should start. I have decided to go to therapy. I might choose one which is over skype.

Going to a psychologist is free in Norway if you do it for an extended period of time. I have done so in the past, but I did not get much out of it.

I think I will benefit from a good therapist. I was recommended choosing one from this site: http://www.selfleadership.org/find-an-ifs-therapist.html

It is going to be expensive, but I think it will be worth it.

 

Guilt is a problem for me yes. Also assertiveness, if someone treats me disrespectfully I usually just retreat, disappears or just goes silent. I have a problem speaking up.

[dsayers]

Guilt is a problem for me yes. Also assertiveness, if someone treats me disrespectfully I usually just retreat, disappears or just goes silent. I have a problem speaking up.

 

Since you posted this in the self-knowledge forum, I just wanted to point out that you're accepting blame for something that was done TO you. I think it would be more accurate to say that you were conditioned at a very young age by the people you were dependent upon to erase yourself because this was less traumatic than being erased by others.