LVassberg Posted March 6, 2014 Posted March 6, 2014 I've been thinking of posting on this forum for the last few weeks, but was unsure how to introduce myself. So here goes! I found Stefan while looking up stuff about Robert Lustig in early January, as I am currently in the process of losing weight and agree with his findings. My interest in Stefan's Youtube videos and FDR, has been growing ever since. Where I'm at now: I am 44 years old. In the last 4 years or so, I have been on this road of 'recovery and self awareness'. In the span of the last 4 years, I have seen my friend/room mate of 9 years pass away, then my mother, both of horribly painful cancers. My grandmother has just passed away, peacefully, at the age of 93. Throughout my adult life, I had a propensity to pick poor romantic partners, poor friends, etc. I always felt victimized and mistreated. My boyfriend I dated for 2 years after I turned 18 was sadistically violent, and was working up to worse I'm sure before I broke it off. He stalked me for a long time, and vandalized my car, twice - and the police were involved. The next guy I was with wasn't violent in that way, but constantly told me I was stupid/fat, etc. I then met a man, fell in love and we got married and were together for a total of 8 years. We were fairly young when we got together, still in 'party phase' - which he never grew out of. He grew to be quite depressed, constantly criticized his friends, and eventually turned that towards me. He also became addicted to alcohol. We were contracted delivery drivers and together forged a good living. As we made more money - the more was spent on booze, and the more controlling he got with the money. It was hard to be told 'you can't have this or that' and watch 6 or 700 dollars go out the door on booze. When we split, I decided "I am done with men". There are, of course, a myriad of details, but I don't want to get into it at this time. While going through the process of watching my friend/room mate suffer, and eventually pass, I was developing a relationship with my now husband. While we were dating and getting to know each other, I was fraught with guilt and unhappiness as my friend was suffering and I was going through an incredible range of emotions, from extreme sadness to intense happiness with this man (who I was friends with for many years before we got together). My room mate and I had a brief romantic relationship in 2001 which she ended, but we remained living together. She viewed my new relationship as 'cheating on her' in this, the worst time in her life. I was living with her for a while after her diagnosis, in 2009, taking her to appointments, looking after her. In that time, I learned she had been subjected to horrific sexual abuse as a child (she herself denied it, it was others in the family who told me about it). She, too, was an alcoholic. I became her codependent partner, so to speak. She attacked me physically one night, and said over and over again she had nothing to lose, she was dying anyway, so what did it matter what she did to me. (there were previous red flags that indicated she could be violent, but ignored them) I fled her place and found a new place to live. I also started some therapy around that time as I was heading for a mental breakdown. After moving out, I still brought her food that I had cooked, groceries, prescriptions, that sort of thing. I also helped her here and there look after her horses. This was a climax in my life that finally opened my eyes as to where I was headed, and what I was doing. I practiced 'self - erasure', I was allowing myself to be swallowed up and absorbed into peoples' lives, allowed them to prioritize my time, etc. In time, I would 'wake up' as to what was happening, and start saying "I need to do this or that", and the person would say "What? Why are you being so selfish?" That's not to say I didn't do things I wanted to do, but I would make sure my partner was looked after first. If I made plans, and my partner said "I don't want you to do that" I would drop my plans to accommodate. Over time, resentment would build, because there was very little, if no, reciprocity on their parts. I have now learned that I was harming my partners by doing this. I sought to make them happy in the moment...only because I wanted them to continue to like/love me. My husband is different. He was the first partner I was with who wanted 'win/win' solutions to conflicts, isn't moody and is well grounded and self aware. We talked constantly about our past relationships and our childhoods. He is a father (who's kids are grown) and he was able to enlighten me on some things I had never thought of. Which leads me to: My Childhood: When my mom got pregnant, she was 18 years old. Her and my father got married quickly, and he got a transfer through the air force to move across the country. My mother told no one of her pregnancy, as premarital sex went against her mother's - my grandmother's religious beliefs. So, she left her entire support group behind. I can't imagine how stressed out she was. They announced my arrival after my grandma flew out for a surprise visit when I was about 6 weeks old. My mom was 19 at the time. When I was 4 we moved back to Alberta from Newfoundland. My father spanked me - that I remember. He also left me alone for up to an hour at a time and that's usually when I got spanked - he would come home and then spank me for whatever it was I had done without any supervision. When I was 5, my parents broke up. An early memory I have was when I was six, we moved and I had to go to a new school. My mom went on vacation with her new boyfriend and my father took me to my new school - grade one. He dropped me off before 7 in the morning. It was just getting light out. I waited for an hour for someone to come. I took it in stride as I was told to 'be a good girl and wait here'. He didn't want to be late for work so he couldn't wait to take me to school at 8:30. My mom's new boyfriend moved in with us and I thought he was great. I was visiting my father on the weekends and life was full of adventure. Except that I was acting out by crying a lot, wetting the bed, and feeling lousy. I started to develop severe asthma. With that, I started to get a 'little chubby'. My mom and boyfriend got married, and I was excited, thinking I would have '2 dads'. After they got married, things changed. My step-dad (here on in referred to as 'Dad') imposed strict rules, as he saw things in child rearing as quite rigid. There were certain protocols to be followed, infractions were dealt with by getting yelled at, or corporal punishment. When we would go to his parents' place for dinners, for him to lunge across the table and drag me to the other room for bare assed spankings was not uncommon. I believe he was trying to show his dad - "I am in control". I don't remember why I got spanked. My mom got pregnant right after they got married, and my dad was proud to have a son. I was excited to have a little brother. Things changed even further as my brother grew up. My biological father moved out to the east coast again a little less than a year after my brother was born. His mother took me out there to visit and I had a good time with him. He treated me well and I thought we'd have a good relationship as he told me I could come and spend summers out there. I was 8 years old. A few months later, he came back to Alberta and told me he was going to 'leave me alone' for awhile. We had good communication through cards, letter and phone calls up until that point. I didn't realize 'awhile' meant very sporadic - once every 3 or 4 years there would be a card, maybe 2 phone calls, until I finally saw him again, 20 years later. My dad treated my brother very differently, as he grew up. His love and pride shone through to his son. He was not yelled at, or hit. He was taught how to negotiate, was given chores but he could do them on 'his time' so long as they were done. I noted these things several times as a teenager, but I was told I was being dramatic, shut up, it doesn't matter now, does it? Oh, but it did! It mattered to me, and what I learned was that what happened with me was very trivial, according to my parents. My years of grades 7-9 I experienced some pretty severe bullying at school, including physical (mostly being kicked, or getting my head slammed into a locker). Only one teacher listened to me but generally I was told to 'buck up' or that these boys 'had a crush on you'. I never shared what was going on with my mom and dad because my dad was away a lot and my mom was still working and seemed very stressed out. I became outcast from my peer group, believed I was an ugly, bad person who deserved nothing good. I was repeatedly called fat and ugly. I entertained thoughts of suicide, even figuring out how I could do it. That way my mom, dad and brother could be without me, the pain in the ass black sheep. Then I wouldn't have to go to school anymore (I had, stellar grades though). In ninth grade I had a teacher feel me up in the 'wave pool' that we went to at the end of the year. I confided this to a friend and she snickered and told me I was too ugly for that and I probably imagined it. I was also voted 'least likely to succeed' in my grade nine class (they did a 'most likely to succeed' thing and the kids did this as a prank...not the teacher.) My mom used to hold up her hand and say "I don't want to hear it" when I'd start talking, so I internalized all this even more. In this time, the physical abuse slowed down dramatically at home, mostly because my dad was away a lot. My mom would coach me when he was coming home "remember to do this, do that, don't argue". I was terrified when he would come home and my resentment of him being there was evident. He once dragged me down all the stairs by my hair in an argument, and the last time he physically attacked me was when I was 17, after months of us building a relationship (no yelling, etc). He came home one night after they were out and I had left a light on upstairs, or something. I had 2 friends over. He pulled me in another room, threw me on the floor, kicked me, pulled up again and put his hand over my face, so I couldn't breathe. My mother intervened at that point. I observed my parents fight a lot - mostly about me. So, I learned to walk on eggshells all my life. 'Normal' in a relationship meant sacrifice, giving everything and denying any sense of self. All it took was someone to show an interest in me and I was like a whipped puppy, wagging my tail that was tucked behind my legs. It meant ignoring all the red flags that all these people waved in my face and going on with them anyway. My brother is very different from me - positive, full of self confidence and successful. (I'm getting there...but it doesn't come naturally!) He is raising 2 children that he loves very much - no hitting and no yelling. I'm proud of him for that, but if I ever bring up anything from the past, he is very negative towards me, tells me I'm being a 'drama queen', etc. So, I just don't. My dad, however...has changed a lot. He sought me out to repair the damage, has been very sorry for his actions. He has tried to be there for me as an adult. At first I didn't understand - I thought - well, I was just a bad kid that deserved what I got, and besides, his hard work meant we could afford certain amenities (like horses - a saving grace of mine - severe asthma and all). After being with my husband, who told me "NO!!! YOU WERE NOT THE BAD ONE HERE!! IT IS UP TO THE ADULT, NOT A 7 YEAR OLD KID - TO DEFINE THE RELATIONSHIP!!!" He helped me understand that what happened to me as a child was not my fault. Once I started to accept this, I could start - for the first time, moving forward in life. I felt like I have been in stasis for most of my adult life. I did do things - like persist in horses, acquire 2 technical diplomas, and pay my own way. But my creativity and decision making has been severely retarded. I grew into a fairly attractive person, which I didn't understand or believe when I met new people who told me I was very pretty. I always, however, battled my weight. Food was my addiction and comfort. Several months ago I started adopting 'clean eating' as a habit and have since lost around 50 lbs. I have always exercised, even at my heaviest. I have also battled asthma, although it is now under control. I have another 50lbs to go to get to my 'goal' but this time I have tried a whole new approach. I wasn't always as heavy as I was, it just crept up that way. I'm finding out truly how being 'self aware' can help understand where these unhealthy habits come from, and how to deal with them. On politics...I've always been leery of the government. I have viewed our parties in Canada as all operating in the same framework, just all a little different, and all out to screw people. My room mate introduced me to Ayn Rand about 10 years ago and I've read all her books except the Fountainhead (it's on my to do list). Funny - I listened to a lot of Rush as a teenager (I strongly related to the song "Subdivisions") and only recently learned of Neal Peart's influence from her. My thoughts and feelings about a lot of topics go 'against the popular grain' as I question everything! (for example, every time I see a 'global warming' meme on FaceBook, I always ask the person who posted "and what are you doing personally to mitigate the problem?") I am hungry for knowledge in a way I haven't known since school. Now that I am listening to the show, I am asking people about their childhoods, how they feel about spanking (whether they have kids or not), and am delighted with all the responses I get. I don't chide anyone if they say they believe in spanking, I just ask them why. My relationship with my husband is even deeper now as we explore all kinds of subjects together. Some of my relationships with friends have deepened dramatically, some have cooled considerably. I am starting to have more focus, more creativity. Its a slow process, but it's coming together. Now...I figure...this is getting a little long! Time to end this! Love reading everyone's posts as well. Take care.
dsayers Posted March 6, 2014 Posted March 6, 2014 What a horrific story! I appreciate you sharing it; that could not have been easy at all. The only thing worse than abusing somebody is abusing them for having been abused. If you don't mind a little feedback: I see very little honesty, anger, accountability aimed at your mother. Is this something you have addressed at all? Your recount seemed mostly dismissive of her involvement and even seemed like you made excuses for her a couple times. Starting with: Throughout my adult life, I had a propensity to pick poor romantic partners, poor friends, etc. This struck me as owning something that is an effect of abuse inflicted upon you. The rest of the read sort of confirmed this. Also, I'm curious: When you say your dad sought you out to repair the damage, what did that look like? I'm very happy that you found somebody who was able to help you with all of this.
LVassberg Posted March 7, 2014 Author Posted March 7, 2014 Hi - yes, anger at my mother...something that is slowly awakening. No, I never felt angry at her before. Her passing less than 2 years ago had left me devastated and I held her in such high regard in life that I didn't feel that way. I never really thought of it - until I started listening to some of the call in shows...and light bulbs started going off. This is only a recent development and I am only starting to process it, although my husband and I have discussed it at great length recently. Much cognitive dissonance here. I don't want to be a person that constantly describes herself as a 'victim'. And many people, even important people in my life, dismiss any past claims as 'everybody has had shit in their lives' type of thing. For those people that treat me that way, I now tend to hold them at a lesser priority in my life. I also take responsibility for my decisions. I chose these people, I chose to allow them to treat me this way. I also believe I was 'trained' to accept abuse as the norm. I always thought 'it wasn't so bad - I wasn't locked in a closet without food' type of thing. I see things a little differently now...but at least I can deal with it and change my life going forward. Having my dad (this would be my step-dad) come forward was amazing and emotional. It was a slow process, and after my mother's passing we have had some long heart to heart talks. Much of his reckoning comes from the love he had for his own son, and now his grandchildren. How he recognized we were treated so differently. Just having him say this, apologize for it, has been very emotional. He truly is a remarkable man and not many people in that role would have done what he did. I still can get upset when I think back, but this has gone a long way to helping me in the last year or so. My husband has his issues too but we have been really good for each other. He is incredibly supportive! Thanks for taking the time to read and provide feedback. I've been reading some of your other feedback/posts on other people's stuff as well - you ask good questions!
dsayers Posted March 7, 2014 Posted March 7, 2014 Thank you for the feedback I also believe I was 'trained' to accept abuse as the norm. This was all I was trying to say. It's not that YOU chose bad people, it's that people who abused you broke you into a shape that chose people who would recreate that unprocessed abuse. To not perpetuate the abuse in your own life is to face the reality that your abusers were abusive. In a world that heralds family as de facto virtuous, this is not an easy thing to face. Abusing people for being abused indeed! It really upsets me when people say things liked, "Everybody has that in their lives." Like it's not abuse if everybody is abused equally. Like we should accept abuse because of is omnipresence. I could go on. It totally misses the point and... abuses you for having been abused. Most people say it to avoid that their caregivers were not saintly. See the above mentioned conundrum. There is nothing wrong with calling yourself a victim. You are! You were in the past, and thanks to societal norms like "Everybody has that in their lives," you are today. I think, if I may be so bold as to put words into your mouth, is that you're trying to demonstrate the difference between hiding behind the label victim as an excuse and accepting that you were a victim as a means of being responsible. I could be projecting with that bit. I had a heart to heart with a friend not long ago about the things I've learned and the potential it has unlocked for me. When he talked to his wife about it all, her reaction was the same everybody has that in their lives. I was trying to be sympathetic to her viewpoint for his sake. It was then that I realized it may be that she misunderstood my acknowledgement as an excuse to be a douchebag. When it fact it was my way of saying, "I get it now. From this point forward, *I* am responsible for my actions." I think this sort of distinction is missed by the masses not only because of the way it would force them to face their own abusers, but also because in the absence of abuse, this is a transition (into responsibility) that humans would undertake as adolescents, not people into their 30s, 40s, and beyond. Not that this retardation is our fault, but people who lack self-knowledge aren't capable of understanding this. The reason why I asked about your dad's efforts was because of the lack of accountability I saw towards your mom. Which I'm glad you clarified about. The key thing being that even if she wasn't at all neglectful, she chose the men in your life, which led to the men you chose in your own life (the bad ones). What has your dad done other than contrast his treatment of you to that of his blood lineage? Has he made any efforts at self improvement? Has he offered to pay for therapy for him, you, or both? Not saying he has to; I just felt that given the perceived lack of accountability towards your mother in your opening post, that you might be amenable to "letting him off the hook" too easily. I hope that makes sense because I realize my choice of words makes it sound vindictive when I'm trying to talk about protecting yourself. Sometimes when people say, "I'm sorry," they're saying, "I'd like for you to treat me as if I never abused you." If you could elaborate on what it looked like, or just plain tell me to mind my own business because you've got it under control, I would appreciate it. I felt as if your elaboration was glancing, as if to avoid going into detail.
LVassberg Posted March 11, 2014 Author Posted March 11, 2014 In so far as my dad is concern - therapy - yes he offered to pay. I didn't even think of both of us going into therapy. He made the offer a year ago and at the time I didn't think I needed it. (after all, we were having this amazing breakthrough, wasn't that enough?) My dad continually makes efforts to seek me out, make sure we talk, etc. He is not one that is the "let's forget this ever happened" type. Of course, some topics are still uncomfortable, but just having the door open to talk about this stuff (which we do) is a huge step. In contrast, my brother has the door bolted shut, and is very quick to shut me down if I ever start down that path. He rolls his eyes and tells me I am creating "unnecessary drama". Rather than pursuing him with this, I have chosen to let it go, and place him in a lesser role of importance in my life. I suppose this might be viewed as the 'easy way out' but I pick my battles. The more I have deepened my relationship with others in my family, the more they can see his treatment of me. I don't have to point it out, it is self evident. That in itself, is telling. My grandmother has just passed away and we buried her on Friday. This past week was a time of tremendous reflection both for myself and the family members most affected. It was an interesting time, as after the funeral, a group of us got together and discussed many family matters in great detail. It was a very informative and bonding time. My poor grandma - was always pushing church and religion on us. Yet, almost all of us turned away from religion as a result, and we describe ourselves as agnostic, for the most part. Yes, at this point forward, or a few years ago, *I* am responsible for my actions. I do believe that is what I was trying to say!
dsayers Posted March 11, 2014 Posted March 11, 2014 Well obviously I would rather you were never abused. Given that now unavoidable fact of your history, I'm really happy for you that it would seem he is genuinely bothered by it. Has he talked with you at all about how he came to learn the truth about his evil? Of course, some topics are still uncomfortable, but just having the door open to talk about this stuff (which we do) is a huge step. This raised a huge red flag for me. Not saying there's necessarily something there, but I would like to share my concern. What do you mean by some topics are still uncomfortable? Uncomfortable for you? For him? Which topics? The nature of your abuse is "uncomfortable" to put it lightly. If a topic being uncomfortable leads to avoidance, this is not processing it. I'm not saying throw out the baby with the bathwater, but if I could ever trust an abuser and their efforts towards restitution, one stipulation I would have is that we cover all of it, for my sake. In your scenario, for your sake. The other thing I wanted to point out as a potential indication that he's not fully owning his responsibility is your relationship with your brother. If your dad was truly sorry and intent on making it up to, then your brother's unwillingness to accept it would strain his relationship with your dad. Which would hopefully lead to your dad talking to his son about the truth of the abuse in an effort to break the cycle. Which would in turn make your brother's refusal to be honest uncomfortable. Not saying it would change your situation, but it's something your dad could pursue as part of reparations towards you. I'm glad you're not letting your brother's refusal to accept the truth bring you down or otherwise poison your relationship with the truth. Thanks again for sharing all of this
LVassberg Posted March 23, 2014 Author Posted March 23, 2014 I've been away for a bit - mostly processing/thinking all this over. You are right in that this is not resolved and there is much work to be done here. I have been seeking a good therapist in the area. Damn, it's hard when the truth gets revealed, as things that one would let slide before cannot be let go of anymore.
Recommended Posts