I've started cutting again.

[The Red Prince]

Whoops. I've always had the habit, for some reason always tried to avoid it-- but BOY does it do the trick. I've had a rough go of things these past five years, I've always battled crushing depression and anxiety. I live with my mom again and sister-- I thought it would help, but my emotions have gotten worse in the wake of being avoided my my own "family". Mom is always with her boyfriend, and I don't think my sister even knows I exist even though we live in the same place. Fuck this. This isolation has been my life for as long as I remember, the beginning Spring breezes remind me of the all the pain in the past, my pain now-- fuck this. I'm angry, I feel like a ghost, I don't know what I did wrong to these people. I hate them in a way, but can't go anywhere right now-- I'm jobless. Fuck this, fuck ME.

[dsayers]

Please don't harm yourself. Whomever abused you to the point of doing such a thing benefits from you doing so. I don't think that's somebody you should be helping.

 

You mentioned you're angry; Why? At what? At whom?

 

You mentioned trying to avoid it, but this isn't something you can do if you not understand what the problem actually is. Cutting is a symptom.

 

I'm glad you spoke up. I'm not really qualified to help you, but maybe I can help by helping you to identify the problem itself. Do you know what it is?

[The Red Prince]

I'm angry at my family mostly. They never seem to understand that I'm not the hardened male they think I am. I'm bisexual-- can't mention that. I'm sensitive--can't mention that. I want to do music seriously-- can't mention that. I can't mention the fact that for 5 years I was under the thumb of an extremely abusive girlfriend who took my desperation for love and acceptance and turned it into self-hate and brokenness. I swear I've tried to talk about these things over and over again, I tried to talk to them about my emotional problems since I was 15! NOTHING! All it is is "get a job", "do it yourself", or "......ok". They treat me like a failed experiment and treat my little sister with actual respect-- like I died or something. I've been through so much and honestly I'm amazed that I survived-- I'm just too fucking tired to do this by myself anymore-- I want to MAKE them listen but I know I can't. I think maybe these scars will expose the,-- their disgusting unwarranted indifference, and the pain I feel will sympathize with the pain in my inner reality-- like a fucking hug. I'M NOT A MONSTER and they treat me like I am.  

[Freedomain]

I'm so so sorry to hear about the abuse that you've suffered and all the hardships that you've been through TRP. Are you, or do you have any plans to go to therapy?  It sounds like therapy would be extremely useful in helping process what you're going through and both Stefan and I cannot recommend it enough.

 

This type of thing really needs to be discussed with a trained professional and I really hope you take that incredibly important step.

[dsayers]

I think maybe these scars will expose the,-- their disgusting unwarranted indifference

 

You're describing acting out. When children are abused, it's a way for them to communicate their experience when nobody's listening. Since you're older than that, visible damage would only serve as a beacon for virtuous people to avoid you and abusive people to swoop in. You wouldn't be doing yourself any favors. Plus, at your age, you can talk with words to communicate your experience with others.

 

Your answer to my question about anger hovers around the end of the story. What was the beginning? Like you can't talk about the abusive girlfriend, but how were you able to attract such a person? This is what I meant by not being able to avoid symptoms when you don't know the root of the problem.

[Peter Cohen]

My opinion Red is that you are looking for help from the very source of your problems. That is a lost cause. If I were you I would stop trying, and frankly, stop caring about what your family does or says. You can live with them, and comport yourself in the manner that makes your life the easiest with them, though I am sure you would probably be better off without them completely if you could find a way.

 

I think it is unwise to look for the solutions to your problems in other people, especially if they were involved in creating those problems in the first place. They are most unlikely to be of much help. Find a way of living with yourself, and being comfortable with yourself, that does not involve either their abuse, or self abuse. Ideally I suspect you ought find a support group of other cutters who will have a much better understanding of your psychology. Someone like myself who is not a cutter can try all they want to give advice, but ultimately may be completely missing the essential point.

 

And of course, sometimes one just needs a sympathetic shoulder, and not advice. ;-)

[cynicist]

I'm angry at my family mostly... I've been through so much and honestly I'm amazed that I survived-- I'm just too fucking tired to do this by myself anymore-- I want to MAKE them listen but I know I can't. I think maybe these scars will expose the,-- their disgusting unwarranted indifference, and the pain I feel will sympathize with the pain in my inner reality-- like a fucking hug. I'M NOT A MONSTER and they treat me like I am.  

 

I know what it feels like to be isolated, though I have never inflicted harm on myself. You know the scars will not change their indifference. Why remain in proximity to them? Is it apathy towards the rest of society? 

[Marcus Clarke]

Friend, you need to call 1-800-273-TALK.  It is a hotline provided by the Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance.  Just do it, now.  Do not cut yourself again, and if you have that urge, do not pick up the blade, pick up the phone.  You have the support of this community and the community at DBSA to continue to live and find a life free from abuse.

[Magenta]

I'm sorry for the abuse you've suffered. You don't deserve this. Nobody deserves this.

[weeb]

I am NOT a trained therapist, but I've seen this in someone.

 

I have experience with a family member who did/does this to cope.  He used endorphins to help cope with emotional pain, like a drug user.  If he had to cause himself pain, he put a rubber band around his wrist and would snap it when he felt the need to hurt himself (this is a less-harmful way to fulfill this urge).  He uses exercise too.  Just please be careful not to cause damage to yourself.  We at fdr want you to be physically and emotionally healthy.

 

Most of all, talk to a trained, trusted professional therapist about why you feel this is necessary for you. 

[Withanametocome]

If your family sees that you have cut yourself they would either ignore it or treat it in a light that you don't like, which won't add intimacy to the relationship (quite the contrary!).

 

I've cut myself (I still have the scars in my arms) and exercised, and I totally prefer the latter.

 

And what is more: I once knew a very (very!) pretty girl who had cuts in her arms: I didn't raise the issue because at the time I was more into fucking her than having difficult conversations. Still, I tell you this because, 5 years later I realized that what I did was awful, called the girl back, apologized and began having an actual relationship with her, which is to say (according to my experience): 1) you won't see it if you don't want to see it, even if the bare, scarred arms are around you everyday and 2) if you actually have empathy, or end up having it, even after years of separation, those people are one phone call away, so that if you aren't being contacted/helped is not because you are invisible to them or very hard to talk to, but just because they don't want to fucking see.

 

If you wanna be sensible and talk about feelings, I'm 100% there with you, but you are going to have to (bisexually) man up and push your way into somewhere where you can do so: I know it's very hard and strenuous, and you will feel alone all the time until you arrive to the desired destination, but still it's easier than trying to make your family treat you like a human.