My depression, i need advice

[massaki]

I feel empty most of the time. I have been this way ever since  i first quit college 2 years ago.. I was on focal-in and i almost never slept and when i did i had nightmares, and when i wasn't sleeping i had nightmares. The nightmares were consistent, they were of my uncle beating me and my cousin torturing me and attacking me. They did do these things in real life, my uncle when i was younger and my cousin from when i was younger until i left. My father was never in my life much,  one of the few memories i have of him was when i was around 12 and he hit me so hard i flew across the room, i think he was drunk. He came to my house saying he was the police at 12;30 am, i was up late doing homework. He was a brutal person he is 6'5 and i was less than 5 feet tall. My mother didn't really care and i remember when i was in kindergarten she used to get my uncle to beat me for "misbehaving"  when i was just defending myself because i was getting picked on for being overweight, they always told me to defend myself ,but when i did they would hurt me for it.  When ever i confronted my mother about the beatings, she would act like they never happened by i kept on pressuring her and then she told me  to get over it, it was a long time ago, basically telling that it did happen and that she was trying to make me feel crazy for knowing it happened and confronting her on it.  Throughout my life my mother would do things to sabotage me , like go on walks with me for exercise and then right after buy me a double cheese burger, with fries, 20pc chicken nuggets and a milkshake, but  sometimes she didn't get the milkshake, because that was fattening.  After the first time leaving college i applied again and i wanted to go back and she made it her goal to destroy me before i got there, she let my cousin come back to live with us and he tortured me everyday to the point where i couldn't sleep., i was having constant panic attacks and i was just overall losing my mind. I was seeing a counselor btw, he was shit. I was trying to put logic and honesty and just me into my relationships and when they would go sour, because the other person didn't care about me, he would talk me into staying friends with them. He would also tell me to forgive my mom, or if she came in too, if i talked about the things she did to me, he would say" why did you bring her in? Just to beat up on her?" If i didn't have him in my life, i would have been able to recover like i was doing before, but that crap really messed up my head. I stopped seeing him maybe 4 months ago after he was saying maybe i should get medication and when i told him i felt stuck, he recommended me to join the military.  The second time i went to school , i think my mom mastered how to make me go insane, she said wouldn't give me the money for my books unless i gave her the full pricing for everything, so that took a week of finding out if i had to buy new or not and pricing from the school store and amazon, then she kept on giving me excuses and stuff, this was until like the 3rd week of school me without all my books, i got some during that period ,but i had so much homework i couldn't do because i needed a new book with a code to do it. Every time i asked her the new book she would scream at me blaming me for the prices of the books, saying if we bought them sooner they would be cheaper and if i bought them used and she just went on and on. I was crying over the phone asking her to stop and just to  give me the money for the books. This wasn't a money problem, there are other instances in my life , where i needed something and she would do this to hurt me. I remember wanting a new bike after my cousin stole the parts from my old one, while i was still learning to ride it and she would go off about not having any money, but when i asked for multiple games she would just buy them ,but not a bike, which i wanted to use for exercise. btw she never bought me that bike.  I ended up writing her telling her this pattern and what she was doing to me and she made herself out to be the victim and me the abuser, and then i mentioned her blaming me for the price of books over the phone and she told me to get over it, and at that moment i punched my computer and i lost it. I spent several days in a haze. I think that was the first time i felt the wall, that i feel everyday now.  it started with showering, then i couldn't study math and then for my timed English essays i had constant panic attacks during , i remember putting all my strength into typing, just one word at a time, i could usually finish them in time, but the essays were a mess, the most i got was 90 at the start of the year and it went downhill to me getting a 65. I ended up failing math and another class. I had two final papers to do and i spent 3 weeks, days and nights trying to write them, having panic attacks and fighting that wall and all i managed to get was a page done , i even got extra time from my teachers and i still wasn't able to finish those papers and pass those classes. As of right now, the wall is gone, but it comes back after doing something else ,and each thing i do is a battle and i lose most of the time, i spent 2 hours on my bed prepping myself to write this. Right now i am currently unemployed ,im 21 and i live with my abusive and sabotaging mother. Every time i try to fill out a job application i feel that wall, and i just cant get past it. I really want to get out of this situation and get my own place, go back to school so i can do neuropsychology and work in a lab setting helping with studies to help people lead better lives. If anyone is in or has been in a similar situation, i would love for advice and if there is anyone who can just help me in some way with advice that will be welcomed

[dsayers]

That's so wretched. Abusing you, encouraging others to abuse you, then abusing you for having been abused. All of which have negative consequences for you well after the events occurred.

 

I'm not qualified to give therapy I'm sorry to say. Is there anybody else you can stay with? Just getting away from your mother will give you a CHANCE at sleeping, being able to function, and maybe even begin healing.

 

When you were being physically tortured, was there anybody you could talk to? That's criminal behavior and I'm very sorry nobody contacted authorities to try and save you. I am curious as to how that came to pass though. I know abusers can be isolating and children can be terrified of antagonizing their abusers.

 

[Yeravos]

It's terrible what you have been through. I am so sorry that you had to endure all that, I can't imagine what that must have been like. But still, in spite of that nightmare of a childhood, you are here, reaching out for help. I think you should be proud of that, that you have managed to survive that horrible, horrible mental and physical torture. I can sympathize with having a mom ''helping one'' to lose weight, while at the same time buying candy and sodas and giving them to me. It's crazy. But, you are here now, trying to save yourself, and that's a huge step forward. know that you CAN get out of this! Just don't give up.

 

I am no expert on anything, but my advice to you would be to get away from your mother, and all the people that hurt you, to get them physically out of your day-to-day life for a little while at least. So that you can have a second to catch your breath, and rest. I also believe that your healing process would benefit greatly from a therapist, to help you sort out your horrible childhood, and to put blame where blame is to supposed to go. Stef has some material on how to find a good therapist, you don't want to get a bad one, like the counsler you mentioned. And I am sure people on the board could give tips on that aswell.

 

It's sickening, the things people get away with. But know that the world isn't completely dark. There is hope.

[Quadrewple]

OP, I recently became conscious of the fact that I've been living my whole life in fear of punishment, and my environment, while very abusive, was not nearly as abusive as yours was/is.  It could be that when you are about to fill out the job application you are feeling fear of asserting your own way in the world, a desire which was severely beaten out of you early on, as well as rage at the fact that your abusers crippled your ability to be your own man (though thankfully not 100%, as is evidenced by you reaching out), and now you're expected to live the rest of your life in society as if you don't have these demons in your past.

 

Other than finding some way to get away from your mother and getting into therapy, my best advice would be to get a couple of lacrosse balls and use them to massage yourself.  I suffer from PTSD (not officially diagnosed, but almost all of the symptoms I've experienced at some point, including the thousand-yard stare) and I know that people who've experienced a lot of violence have extreme tension patterns built up in their nervous systems and muscles from constantly being in fight-or-flight mode.  Self-massage can allow you to at least have some management of your anxiety until you can leave your current environment and get a therapist who is not interested in you erasing your past for the sake of abusive people - and is probably the best bang for your buck you'll get for anxiety relief right now.  Also, check out Elliot Hulse's videos on bioenergetics - he's been interviewed by Stef before and I recommend also watching that if you haven't already.

[massaki]

I first want too thank everyone who posted, your thoughts and feelings have truly reached me.

 

 

When you were being physically tortured, was there anybody you could talk to? That's criminal behavior and I'm very sorry nobody contacted authorities to try and save you. I am curious as to how that came to pass though. I know abusers can be isolating and children can be terrified of antagonizing their abusers.

 

 

 No there was no one to talk to. I live in a black neighborhood and in the community they encouraged both the physical and verbal abuse of children. I even had a principal in middle school constantly talking about how  "beating the stupid" out of kids is a virtuous and good thing and the parents cheered her on. I was isolated and the few times i thought of running away or calling child services , my mom scared me out of it, by telling me i would get raped and beaten by who ever takes me in and they will just use me for money.

 

My dealings with the police have never been pleasant. They looked down on me and treated me like shit. I learned how  not to  get into problems with them by always having my head down when speaking to them, to make sure i stutter and to seem afraid of them to help with their power fantasies, so they wouldn't hurt me or "search" me , like i see they do to other people. My mom called the police on me a few times,usually when i fought back against my cousin, she used them to scare me and then would send them away. One time she tried to punch me and i deflected two of her punches and then she got mad, started screaming and crying saying i hit her and then she called the police on me, but she always sent them away after seeing how afraid of my life i was.

 

I don;t have any friends anymore. Most of them just talking about it most just disappeared on me. Some tried to help me but they were really messed up themselves and as i was going through my transformation to a person, i started asking deeper questions and just being more of me and that was rejected by the ones who stayed. Each time it happened i was destroyed inside, it wasn't like i couldn't see it happening, i could see it but i wanted to ignore it, i didn't want it to be true,

 

Also sorry for the misunderstanding,I can sleep now, that was before i went to college, i feel like she did that to punish me and to make sure i left completely fucked up ,because she gave an eviction notice too, like 2 months before i left for college, among other things. Right now since im not doing anything with my life, she lowers the level of crazy ,but it does still get bad sometimes ,especially if i start showing any signs of taking the initiative in my life.

 

I am no expert on anything, but my advice to you would be to get away from your mother, and all the people that hurt you, to get them physically out of your day-to-day life for a little while at least. So that you can have a second to catch your breath, and rest. I also believe that your healing process would benefit greatly from a therapist, to help you sort out your horrible childhood, and to put blame where blame is to supposed to go. Stef has some material on how to find a good therapist, you don't want to get a bad one, like the counsler you mentioned. And I am sure people on the board could give tips on that aswell.

 

 

 

Yes, i want to avoid ass wholes like the last one, i saw the video and I'm already making a list of my question to ask my new therapist. Yea my first step to healing is to get out of the fire. I am also sorry about your situation with the fake helping of losing weight by getting you candy and stuff to eat. It's horrible and mental fucked up to do to a child, its brain twisting.   Can you tell me more about how that happened and your feelings on it? 

 

OP, I recently became conscious of the fact that I've been living my whole life in fear of punishment, and my environment, while very abusive, was not nearly as abusive as yours was/is.  It could be that when you are about to fill out the job application you are feeling fear of asserting your own way in the world, a desire which was severely beaten out of you early on, as well as rage at the fact that your abusers crippled your ability to be your own man (though thankfully not 100%, as is evidenced by you reaching out), and now you're expected to live the rest of your life in society as if you don't have these demons in your past.

 

Other than finding some way to get away from your mother and getting into therapy, my best advice would be to get a couple of lacrosse balls and use them to massage yourself.  I suffer from PTSD (not officially diagnosed, but almost all of the symptoms I've experienced at some point, including the thousand-yard stare) and I know that people who've experienced a lot of violence have extreme tension patterns built up in their nervous systems and muscles from constantly being in fight-or-flight mode.  Self-massage can allow you to at least have some management of your anxiety until you can leave your current environment and get a therapist who is not interested in you erasing your past for the sake of abusive people - and is probably the best bang for your buck you'll get for anxiety relief right now.  Also, check out Elliot Hulse's videos on bioenergetics - he's been interviewed by Stef before and I recommend also watching that if you haven't already.

 

 

I think you may be right about my fear. I fear that i may get a bad boss like my mother or that  i will hate my job like my mother and many people i have encountered.  Yes the lack of assertion is really evident in many of my interactions in my life.When it came to drugs and sex i had more assertion. I used to get offered weed and other drugs everyday for free and i mostly turned them down. I remember I turning down girls who liked me ,because i knew they would just be problems, because of how they acted. I remember one time when i was scene( its a type of emo but instead of sad and dark you would dress colorful and act hyper) i was at this party and this girl was drunk and crying on the stairs and the other guys were trying to get me to make out with her and i refused and sat down and talked to her, i was laughed at by the guys. So one of them sat down next to her, said a few words and they started making out, i was grossed out honestly. There was a lot of hyper sexuality around me and i rejected most of it. Most of the girls if i didn't answer their sexuality with sexuality, they would get mad at me and not to talk to me anymore, i usually just wanted just talk.

 

 I will try the lacrosse balls. I  know of that thousand yard stare, and even sometimes i lose track of time and everything seems to be moving too fast or too slow. I did look up Eliot hulse and i did like his videos a lot, so thank you for showing me him. 

 

Can you tell me more about your abusive situation that you were in? 

 

Could you tell me more about your PTSD? I would like to know more about it and maybe compare what i am experiencing.. 

 

 

If you guys want to know more about my life, just ask me questions and i will answer. I hope that this can help others and i want this to help myself and something for me to come back to, to remind me that there are great caring people in the world and that others have gotten through bullshit like this and i and others can do it too.  

Thank you everyone who posted ,again thank you.

[Yeravos]

Yes, i want to avoid ass wholes like the last one, i saw the video and I'm already making a list of my question to ask my new therapist. Yea my first step to healing is to get out of the fire. I am also sorry about your situation with the fake helping of losing weight by getting you candy and stuff to eat. It's horrible and mental fucked up to do to a child, its brain twisting.   Can you tell me more about how that happened and your feelings on it? 

Thank you for your sympathy. Well, I was bullied in school from first grade to 9 grade, I had basically only 1 friend, nasty parents, easy access to computer games... That's a recipe for an unhealthy weightgain. Unfortunely, I have real difficulties ''feeling'' what I felt back then. I think it is because  it was an extremely stressful, soulcrushing time of my life, so it's been hidden away inside my mind, both subconsciously and consciously. This is something I have just recently started to dig out of my mind, to bring out in the daylight.

 

 

 

 

I don;t have any friends anymore. Most of them just talking about it most just disappeared on me. Some tried to help me but they were really messed up themselves and as i was going through my transformation to a person, i started asking deeper questions and just being more of me and that was rejected by the ones who stayed. Each time it happened i was destroyed inside, it wasn't like i couldn't see it happening, i could see it but i wanted to ignore it, i didn't want it to be true,

I am so sorry to hear that. I know what it's like, being in that same transition myself at the moment.

[massaki]

During your transition don't hold back, like keeping toxic friends hoping that you can convince them to become better.  I did that and failed. It's impossible to change the minds of those who don't have any self-awareness. This is a conversation i had with a ex-friend.  I'm to give back story her mom, and dad are drunks and her dad was really abusive and  so her, her mom and her brother left. Her mom later found another guys and got with him, but he was another abusive drunk, but this time instead of taking them with her, she left them with him, and he was a pedophile too. She left that place two years ago, but her brother is still messed up and she had to take care of him, she now lives with her boyfriend. She told me her relationship with her mom was great ,so that question popped in my head and i got a tub of shit from her.I later realised a lot of the things she said to me and the advice she gave me was crap, just be as honest as you can be and hopefully you have some non-zombies around you., and without the zombies around you it will be easier to find people who aren't zombies.  Here is the conversation.

 

[*]
Dan Connects
So your mom went to therapy and apologized for putting you in such a dangerous situation?
 
 
[*]March 3 [*]

3/3, 5:20am
 
 
Dan Connects
why didn't you answer my question?
 
 
[*]March 3 [*]
 
3/3, 8:58am
 
 


Girl- No reason. I had to go and I'm too busy keep a running convo going with anyone. Why did you message me at 5 am? It alerts my phone and wakes me up
 
lol'
 
 
[*]March 4 [*]

3/4, 3:32pm
 
 
Dan Connects
sorry i didn't know that. btw you still didn't answer my question. Do you think you may be avoiding answering?
 
 
[*]
 
3/4, 3:33pm
 
Girl- No, I'm avoiding your accusations.
 
 
[*]

3/4, 4:13pm
 
 
Dan Connects
what accusations? I don't really think that makes much sense. I think we hit a defense mechanism, which is alright. What were your thoughts? how did you feel when i ask you about that?
 
 
[*]
 
3/4, 4:16pm
 
 


Girl-Dude, stop analyzing me. I'm an open book until you get critical. I honestly thought our last convo was over and now you're trying to sit me down for a therapy session because I didn't answer your question. I'm not interested in indulging in that kind over overdramatizing.
 
 
[*]March 5 [*]

3/5, 7:07am
 
 
Dan Connects
I asked because i was curious and i care about you. I feel hurt right now, because you are taking your anger out on me.
 
 
[*]
 
3/5, 8:23am
 
 
Girl -I'm not angry. You're being over dramatic. This convo is very inappropriate and I don't want any part in it.
 
 
[*]

3/5, 9:06am
 
 
Dan Connects
this is just really messed, i don't even know how to properly respond to this , im just so upset right now.
 
you acting completely different than you would usually act,even saying something like that, its like are you even the same person I'm used to talking to.
 
 
[*]March 5 [*]
 
3/5, 1:52pm
 
 


Girl- This is how people act when they're uncomfortable. Your sense of entitlement over the details personal life is inappropriate. I don't owe you any explanations. I'm sorry if you got the wrong idea. I'd like to be your friend, and friends don't get upset by boundaries.
 
 
[*]March 5 [*]

3/5, 6:32pm
 
 
Dan Connects
I really care about you and i only asked those things because i thought it would be helpful to you. If your mom did or didn't , it would effect your relationship with her and if she did i think you guys would have an even stronger relationship and i know you would want that. I want you to be happy. If you are feeling uncomfortable then we can talk about it, but i feel hurt after reading you calling me entitled and telling me how i am supposed to feel.if you don't care about how i feel then we shouldn't talk anymore.
 
 
[*]
 
3/5, 6:40pm
 
 
Girl -I don't feel uncomfortable talking about it. I felt uncomfortable when you were coercing me to tell you and acted like an expert on my life when I wasn't as responsive as you thought I should be. In doing so, no matter your intention, you crossed a boundary. For me to point out what is personal to me and up for me to share is not a matter of insult. It's a fact that I should hope that you will respect in the future. That's all I ask.
 
 
[*]
 
3/5, 7:04pm
 
 


Girl-The way you framed the conversation removed any choice I had in revealing a personal piece of information. That is called 'coercion'. A person would have to harbor a sense of 'entitlement' to act that way. A 'boundary' maintains the way someone wishes to be treated, and I do not wish to be coerced into sharing my feelings in a way that will satisfy your unfounded concerns. So when I use these words, they are not intended as insults. I am simply addressing a serious situation and explaining my course of action, which you seemed so appalled by. I hope this helps you understand that I am not angry. Just being honest.
 
 
[*]March 6 [*]

3/6, 8:18am
 
 
Dan Connects
---
 
 
[*]

3/6, 8:40am
 
 
Dan Connects
This is bullshit. You're just rationalizing your feelings and putting the blame on me ,for why you felt uncomfortable. If you felt i was using some type of manipulation technique you would have first said something or realized it was by accident, because you know i'm a good person. You didn't react that though, first you ignored me ,then you made up an excuse saying you were too busy. Since i saw that you felt uncomfortable, that's why i asked you "what were your thoughts and feelings when i asked that?" The you called over dramatic and over analyzing, when i responded to you feeling uncomfortable. This the first time this has ever happened when we talked ,and this is the first time I really ever asked anything about your mother and i think it was extra sensitive ,because i asked about her apologizing to you. This backlash im getting which is like the first time ever from you. I don't this is really about me ,but about you and your relationship with you mom. Does anything i said make any sense to you? Do you see where i'm coming frorm?
 
 
[*]March 6 [*]
 
3/6, 3:33pm
 
 
 
 
 
 
Girl-All I hear is you continuing to tell me how I feel. You have never done so in any of our previous convos and that is why I never responded the way I have to this one. Stop assuming shit by my silence and stop using that as a way of getting me to comment on the truth of the matter. That is manipulative! And the more you persist, the less I want to tell you about myself bc you assume, based on your experiences, that mine are also bad. I don't think you're doing it to be a bad person, I just don't think you realize how inappropriate it is for a friend to try to coax another into discussing something personal to that person and that just because they don't respond in a way that is satisfactory to you, doesn't mean they're trying to "hide" information from you. It means that I don't have to tell you every single detail of my life. I volunteered information that was applicable to your situation, it wasn't open for discussion and I was too busy to do so. When I returned to the convo find your prying, It made me uncomfortable. I'm sorry, but I just don't use messaging the way you do. I lay the convo to rest occasionally. You think it should just go on forever. That's just not natural to me. I can't pick up my phone and answer a new message every 6 hours. I have stuff to do. If I need to relay critical information to somebody, I'll get back to them. If it's not, I often times have to let it go. Just like an old fashioned message machine. Seeing as this information was about me, I have the sole authority over how critical it is. It was based on pertinence, not emotion. You made it emotional, even though it had nothing to do with you. I don't wish to dignify that response, so I you care enough about our friendship you'll just let it go. It's not as big a deal as you're making it. I simply needed to express that it was my deal, not yours. Nothing personal to you, just to me.

[Quadrewple]

Can you tell me more about your abusive situation that you were in? 

 

Could you tell me more about your PTSD? I would like to know more about it and maybe compare what i am experiencing..

 

 

 

 

I have a thread entitled Public School Horror Stories in the Self Knowledge thread where I detail some really bad stuff I saw in public school which contributed to my anxiety, but the real start of it was with my parents.

 

The few memories I have of my father when growing up mostly involved me trying to pry his attention away from the computer so he'd play with me.  He'd ignore me so eventually I'd resort to annoying him just to get his attention, but that would only get me yelled at for a brief moment or my hand swatted away when I tried to reach for the mouse.  Eventually I gave up trying to connect with him.  The only other memories I have of him growing up were him hitting me with paddles on the bare ass - wooden or hard plastic.  Every time he hit me he'd get pumped up from it - likely hitting me as hard as he could in an attempt to turn me into a rage-filled, hate-filled man.  If I started crying before he hit me, he'd say things like "I'll give you something to cry about!"  and on several occassions after the spanking, I'd scream "I hate you!" at him and he'd mock me saying I didn't hate him, which I fucking did.  In summary, I only ever experienced neglect or abuse by his hands.

 

My mom homeschooled me for a while so she was very involved in my life early on, but for the most part she was just trying to turn me into a emasculated man completely subservient to women (turn me into my father).  She'd often sick my dad on me when I disobeyed her.  She indoctrinated me with endless amounts of crazy Christian propaganda - straight from the Bible, and both my parents used the Bible to justify their abuse of me.  I never knew this as a child but she was on medication for bipolar disorder and schizophrenia.  She was never fit to have kids, but by the time I was in 5th grade, she had lost touch with reality and I realized she was completely incompetent and irrational.  This was VERY humiliating because it meant I had to normalize or dismiss her behavior anytime she said or did something crazy when I had friends over.  She also took me along with her for a couple of door-to-door evangelical visits to neighbors - which was also incredibly humiliating because I didn't want to be there, and once the guy at the door yelled at her to get off his property which obviously scared me and showed me how out-of-touch she was.  Her mental state worsened until she took me, my brother and sister on a cross-country road trip, telling us our father had died at the hands of demons and we had to go to the Bible Belt (Midwest and Southern States) to be safe.  Eventually my father and his father found us by tracking her credit card purchases, and we returned home.  It's only continued to worsen, and she now lives in a group home in Alabama where the care of mentally unfit people is subsidized. 

 

As far as the PTSD symptoms go, they were most pronounced a couple years after she moved from California to the group home.  I was severely depressed for about 3 years.  I went from being somewhat popular at my high school one year to eating lunch in the bathroom the next year.  I started to become extremely paranoid about other people, and secretly hateful towards them.  I avoided eye contact and was basically constantly living in fear of being attacked by others - no one was acknowledging all the crazy terrible shit that had happened in my family, and if they did, it was always to manage my perception of my mother and father - "Oh, it's really amazing that he's able to support you kids!" and "You know she loves you right?" and other nonsense which was completely irrelevant to me and aimed at squashing my feelings.  All of this shit made me feel less than worthless - so I started to take other peoples' perceptions to heart, and projected them onto humanity in general, because that was less painful than dealing with the fact that the people around me were fucking narcissists.

 

These are a list of symptoms off a website about PTSD which I definitely experienced:

• Feeling emotionally numb
• Feeling strong guilt, depression, or worry

• Being easily startled
• Feeling tense or “on edge”
• Staying away from places, events, or objects that are reminders of the experience

http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/post-traumatic-stress-disorder-ptsd/index.shtml

 

Because I never got to experience any of these emotions during the abuse and neglect, I trapped them in my body.  When my dad hit me, I'd be in the fetal position and I unconsciously trapped the tension in the left side of my body because muscular tension helps the body ignore pain caused elsewhere.  Also, because I was in the fetal position and he was hitting me on backside, I had no way of knowing when he was going to hit me, so I'd brace myself by flexing as hard as I could.  A few days ago I had my brother use a massager on my back and ribs and the only way for me to release the tension was to scream and yell and cry and scream out "No!"  This is the bioenergetic release that Elliot Hulse talks about - for me to relax my left side requires my ability to feel secure enough that no one's going to hit me.  The tension traps the anxiety in our heads as well.  Also, my dad would be hitting me really hard and so to keep myself from biting my tongue, I'd keep my jaw as tense as possible.  There were all these things that went through my head after being hit which I'd contemplate:  "If I cry louder, maybe he'll feel some sympathy and stop hitting me."  That didn't work, and I remember a couple of times after he'd left the room he'd yell out from the living room "Oh, stop being such a crybaby!"  So when I figured out that he fed off the pain I was feeling, in my resentment I tried to keep myself from crying.  The only way I could do that was to stifle my breathing and make my jaw and left side as tense as possible.

[massaki]

In college i was having flashbacks to times where i was beaten, i couldn't sleep much, and when i did i had nightmares , that made me want to stay awake. My therapists told i had ptsd after that.  I no longer have the flashbacks, but i still a few times a day, stop and say "i loved her, yesterday but then she died" or i will repeat a word or phrase multiple times ,it usually is something thats to past events.The phrase i mentioned only started recently, i think it has to do with a friend who was in a mutually-abusive relationship, which i call relationshits, i really loved her, sexually, and as a friend, she stopped talking to me after i voiced my opinion and tried to convince her that being that relationship would be detrimental to her health, she defended her boyfriend and then told me goodbye before blocking me on facebook. A few days ago i realized that most of the things i do are because of past events and trauma. Like if i get lots anxiety  or i get really excited for something I become tired and sleepy and then i lay down, but cover my head, so no one would be able to see my face. My uncle used to assault me when i "misbehaved" at school, and the only way for him not to hurt me was for me , to either pretend i was sleeping or be asleep.  A lot of the time , i feel like there is a wall stopping me from doing things and i realized that... Im sorry im having a panic attack the moment trying to write this, the other stuff i do just escaped my mind,  i keep turning shouting i dont, know and then i bite on my arm and hand, to keep me from talking, because i process and think better when talking. I guess that a moment for moment one i guess.  I knew about this post for a while but i avoided it, it was tough for me, honestly im still stuck in my mind like im still like 7 or 8 emotionally. A lot of the things i do are from horrible abuse from them, my family, the people at school, teachers included. Ill write more, i promise after i calm down, but i needed to stop avoiding this, because my experience might give more insight or help someone else.   1 more thing it extends with relationships with women, i am attracted to girls who treat me like my mom did, girls who ignore me at times and dont show love and compassion ,girls who blame me for their actions. its like me again begging mommy to listen to me, to take interest in me, and when they ignore me i can go on for days hour by hour every 30 mins texting or messaging them. They know they can end it, by texting me back, and they do after a period of time always after i say i give up, they come back to do it again. Im attracted to girls who love torturing guys like me.

 

 

Can you tell me more about your abusive situation that you were in? 

 

Could you tell me more about your PTSD? I would like to know more about it and maybe compare what i am experiencing..

 

 

[massaki]

 

Can you tell me more about your abusive situation that you were in? 

 

Could you tell me more about your PTSD? I would like to know more about it and maybe compare what i am experiencing..

 

 

The wall, if i were to describe it, it would be a tightening of my gut, a neurotic and massive craving to just shrivel up, i want move my arms closer to my stomach, to make

myself smaller, a feeling of lightness comes over me, like im not held to the ground, i feel, i failure all around me and my life, my thoughts become riddled with ”I can’t do

this” or “why the fuck can't i do this”, “i just need to do this”. No matter what i am doing, it becomes harder, it becomes harder to think. Throughout my body  it feels

 heavy like a stone, moving becomes hard, walking becomes hard, a lot of times I fall over to the floor or i use a wall to keep me up, my body  just feels like its shutting down, my speech slurs to a point where everything i say is unrecognizable. The more i fight it, the more it takes me down. Sometimes it feels like my head is being ripped apart. It’s pretty horrible. I have calmed my mind down sometimes,  but the feelings throughout my body don’t go away, I usually end up giving up. It usually happens when i'm trying to do something that will help me, like getting a job or completing essays to pass a  class. I remember all the way back in highschool I had to do one paper to pass  ,but i couldnt research it or do anything, i was on focalin, but i was just so tired all the time, i fell asleep when people would talk to me, it was after i stopped taking adderall. I'm not blaming just the drugs, I was in a box before, but as time went on especially after the adderal the box got smaller. The liberian ended up doing my essay for me basically, i talked and stuff and wrote a little bit , and i told her what to write for me, but other than that she did like 85% of it.  In highschool i  always missed assignments or chose not to do them to play video games, my only escape when i'm home, but it got to the point where i couldn't do anything, and senior year i skipped school at least 2twice a week and then when i was there,  i would just cut at lunch to go home and play call of duty.  I was really good at it too, and one friend later asked why didn't i play in a tournaments and i said i didn't know. I guess doing that would make me step out of the box.  Right now i'm no longer in college , living at my mothers house, I think the wall, is just her in my head throughout  all the years of hell she gave me, because i noticed that whenever ii start trying to take care of myself , like going to the doctor, (i'm diabetic) or when i went off to college or i was going to go back again, or even when i was there, she would ramp up her insanity and attack me more. I remember when i was younger i wanted to workout, so my mom made me do stretching every morning , like workouts for someone who is like  600 pounds(im wasn't 600 pounds). She always refused to get me a bike, but she went on walks with me and then after every walk she would buy me fast food and when i was younger i used to eat way more than i do now.  I always have a double cheeseburger, large fries, 20pc chicken nuggets, with a milkshake. I Think the wall is just mental conditioning, from the beatings when i defended myself, to for abuse when i expressed wanting to lose weight, with the fake helping me and just every other time i tried to help myself.  

 

 

I think she wants to kill me without physically doing it, i don’t think she ever wanted me. My father and mother i don’t think they were dating, I think she was the other woman. I have a half-sis a year older and a half-bro 2 years older.

My dad btw is a functioning alcoholic who is very intimidating and brutish, he has also been violent to me the few times i have seen him.  Yea so the wall i feel is the embodiment all the abuse i suffered, and continue to suffer through. I have made progress in the other things but this is my Wall that i can’t climb that affects everything else.  I'm trying to seek therapy, i called twice and gotten numbers ,but no one was available, so i have to do call my insurance provider again, and its really hard to do it. I had a counselor i talked to for about a 1.5 years but he sucked, he was telling me to forgive my mom and to join the military since i felt lost and he helped prolong many toxic relationships in my life as i was finding out about philosophy. For the past months i have made more progress than those almost 2 years with him. I actually feel more energized now and not as boxed in writing about it. I'm gonna try find a good therapist after i get work, so i can pay for one, because the ones on my insurance plan only want to give me drugs or they seem to suck, like not helping with the real issues. Paying will give me more options. I think writing might be my temporary solution to the wall. Thank you so much for asking, there is a lot more if you aren't satisfied.

What do you think about therapy?

[cynicist]

I was severely depressed for about 3 years.  I went from being somewhat popular at my high school one year to eating lunch in the bathroom the next year.  I started to become extremely paranoid about other people, and secretly hateful towards them.  I avoided eye contact and was basically constantly living in fear of being attacked by others - no one was acknowledging all the crazy terrible shit that had happened in my family, and if they did, it was always to manage my perception of my mother and father - "Oh, it's really amazing that he's able to support you kids!" and "You know she loves you right?" and other nonsense which was completely irrelevant to me and aimed at squashing my feelings.

 

What you went through was scary and awful to read. I've been through this (what you call paranoia and avoiding eye contact) but how is their irrational propaganda not an attack? I mean they are challenging your very perception of reality. Paranoia is about delusions and you were right about what they were trying to do, not imagining it. You're also aware that most people are like this, so caution around them is not a bad thing to have at all. Fear might be too strong, but I look at irrational people like they are broken, just robots programmed to manipulate themselves and others, and they become less frightening as a result. 

 

I think I associated irrational with unpredictable before then and that made things worse for me. The signs are always there early if you look for them.

 

feeling of lightness comes over me, like im not held to the ground, i feel, i failure all around me and my life, my thoughts become riddled with ”I can’t do

this” or “why the fuck can't i do this”, “i just need to do this”.... It usually happens when i'm trying to do something that will help me, like getting a job or completing essays to pass a  class.

 

I want to say first that your parents and that counselor are sadistic assholes. I can't believe after all that failure... he told you to go to the military. He not only can't do his job but sends you to a mental slaughterhouse. I mean your parents are obviously evil but for you to reach out and for that person to grind you down further because of their own issues is so repulsive to me. I'm pissed.

 

I recognize this behavior you are talking about, self-sabotage I guess you would call it, in myself. I feel overwhelmed usually, like my brain is in overdrive. Why do you think it is happening for you?

[massaki]

 

 

I recognize this behavior you are talking about, self-sabotage I guess you would call it, in myself. I feel overwhelmed usually, like my brain is in overdrive. Why do you think it is happening for you?

 

I think because im not doing enough, i know  there more deeper reasons, but im not doing enough right now. I'm gonna try something ,i've been thinking about for a while, and ill report back here after about a week, if there are any changes.

[Quadrewple]

The wall, if i were to describe it, it would be a tightening of my gut, a neurotic and massive craving to just shrivel up, i want move my arms closer to my stomach, to make myself smaller, a feeling of lightness comes over me, like im not held to the ground, i feel, i failure all around me and my life, my thoughts become riddled with ”I can’t do this” or “why the fuck can't i do this”, “i just need to do this”. No matter what i am doing, it becomes harder, it becomes harder to think. Throughout my body  it feels heavy like a stone, moving becomes hard, walking becomes hard, a lot of times I fall over to the floor or i use a wall to keep me up, my body  just feels like its shutting down, my speech slurs to a point where everything i say is unrecognizable. The more i fight it, the more it takes me down. Sometimes it feels like my head is being ripped apart. It’s pretty horrible. I have calmed my mind down sometimes,  but the feelings throughout my body don’t go away, I usually end up giving up. It usually happens when i'm trying to do something that will help me, like getting a job or completing essays to pass a  class.

 

 

This is a great description of what it's like to be paralyzed by fear.  You mentioned you were physically abused by someone much bigger than yourself - that would explain why fear and paralysis would go hand in hand.  If you can't take action based on fear (fight or flee), then you can only freeze and protect your vital organs (moving your arms closer to your stomach allows you to protect your heart and balls).  This is what's so terrible about repeated physical abuse - you turn the abused person into a neurotic robot, and without SIGNIFICANT work on their part, they will remain a neurotic robot for life, so the sadism is obvious in your father and uncle and cousin.  The fact that you were put in dangerous situations by evil people where you couldn't fight or flee means you now have a nervous system primed for fear avoidance (like me).  That's not to say it can't change, but I think that's the reality.

 

 

As for what I think about therapy, I recommend you search for the keyword "therapy" in the podcast feed and "how to find a therapist" on the forums.  Also, watch this video and anything else by Daniel Mackler.  There is a lot of great information on FDR about finding a great therapist if you can find some way to get it.  Also, you might try calling therapists and explaining your situation and seeing if you can work something out.  I got lucky with my first therapist because he's awesome......he doesn't charge people for the first session which I think says a lot about his integrity.  He's not interested in taking people's money unless he can help them and has provided free therapy for me at times, though I have easily paid him a few thousand dollars.  If you're in a decently sized city then there's a good chance you'll be able to find a great therapist - I live in a city of 28,000 and still managed to find one (again, maybe I'm lucky though).

 

[massaki]

This is a great description of what it's like to be paralyzed by fear.  You mentioned you were physically abused by someone much bigger than yourself - that would explain why fear and paralysis would go hand in hand.  If you can't take action based on fear (fight or flee), then you can only freeze and protect your vital organs (moving your arms closer to your stomach allows you to protect your heart and balls).  This is what's so terrible about repeated physical abuse - you turn the abused person into a neurotic robot, and without SIGNIFICANT work on their part, they will remain a neurotic robot for life, so the sadism is obvious in your father and uncle and cousin.  The fact that you were put in dangerous situations by evil people where you couldn't fight or flee means you now have a nervous system primed for fear avoidance (like me).  That's not to say it can't change, but I think that's the reality.

 

 

As for what I think about therapy, I recommend you search for the keyword "therapy" in the podcast feed and "how to find a therapist" on the forums.  Also, watch this video and anything else by Daniel Mackler.  There is a lot of great information on FDR about finding a great therapist if you can find some way to get it.  Also, you might try calling therapists and explaining your situation and seeing if you can work something out.  I got lucky with my first therapist because he's awesome......he doesn't charge people for the first session which I think says a lot about his integrity.  He's not interested in taking people's money unless he can help them and has provided free therapy for me at times, though I have easily paid him a few thousand dollars.  If you're in a decently sized city then there's a good chance you'll be able to find a great therapist - I live in a city of 28,000 and still managed to find one (again, maybe I'm lucky though).

 

 

 

 

After i read the first paragraph i agreed with you and then i felt anxious,  took off my glasses and prepared to walk away from my computer, and then i realized what you  you said  about being a neurotic robot was spot on. I felt anxious and i automatically thought to get away. Thank you so much for that, i honestly never truly realized and grasped that.  After lots of thinking i decided im done with therapists i've been to 7 and they either approved of the abuse, or didn't ask me about it at all. I just want to say for the first time in my life, The wall i talk about didn't stop me, when i wanted to start writing my book. It did at first ,but then i became angry, angry at the abuse, angry at my self for letting this continue in my head and then i was able to write and it was the most amazing feeling i have ever experienced it was like my mind was sexual organ and it was having multiple orgasms. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I recognize this behavior you are talking about, self-sabotage I guess you would call it, in myself. I feel overwhelmed usually, like my brain is in overdrive. Why do you think it is happening for you?

 

 

For this whole week I made a goal sheet. I put  everything i wanted to do for that day down, and when i completed them i would write done!!! next to the completed goal. The first day of trying i had a major break through. i was able to get through the wall. I also wrote down how i felt after each day. I also made a list of all of my defenses and made strategies to get past for that moment.

[massaki]

This is a great description of what it's like to be paralyzed by fear.  You mentioned you were physically abused by someone much bigger than yourself - that would explain why fear and paralysis would go hand in hand.  If you can't take action based on fear (fight or flee), then you can only freeze and protect your vital organs (moving your arms closer to your stomach allows you to protect your heart and balls).  This is what's so terrible about repeated physical abuse - you turn the abused person into a neurotic robot, and without SIGNIFICANT work on their part, they will remain a neurotic robot for life, so the sadism is obvious in your father and uncle and cousin.  The fact that you were put in dangerous situations by evil people where you couldn't fight or flee means you now have a nervous system primed for fear avoidance (like me).  That's not to say it can't change, but I think that's the reality.

 

 

 

 

 

How do you cope with your fear avoidance?

 

I would like to know, because this is the last thing i have to come up with some strategy to cope right now. I want to  get a job so i can leave this  toxic environment.  I made up strategies for everything else and categorized them and practiced reactions to them.,  The fear something major that  i have noticed but never really like truly took issue with, and i  would just brush it off like a little  fear. I now notice that I avoid many things and my brain just shuts down at times of stress, like i feel partly retarded or to say even worse off then a special needs person.  I remember when i wanted to stream league of legends  and i was doing a test stream and then i started getting scared and i freaked out and i tried to turn it off, but not in a logical sane way. I was trying to turn it off in some type of way that if i thought about it , i know it wouldn't turn off. I bought a computer to be honest for the main reason to make youtube videos of me playing and to stream and to make philosophic videos and other things that are of interest o to me. I have done none of those things and even when i play i cant do it well anymore , i began to get angry, then super sad and frustrated, like my brain doesn't light up anymore. It feels like this way almost all the time. I think it depression because of the overall dull feeling but writing this doesn't make me feel dull. Whenever i get good or start to get good, i would stop doing it or i would get progressively bad at it.  I used play guitar and then i stopped then bass and then i stopped. I fear that my dream of becoming a neuropsychologist and continue the work Robbyn Petters Bennet does with helping people not spank their children wont come true.  I want to be doing research on spanking  and other harmful things people do to their children, and show the benefits not morally but in terms the zombies can understand so that maybe in a generation or two in my life time i can see the ending of war. I have so many things that have affected me negatively, its hard to think i can even do that. I know i have to leave my mom's house and get a apartment, and in order to do that i have to get a job. I also want to go back to college, so i can get the that paper that tells people i know what im talking about, then another one so i can actually work under a already established Neuropsychologist, which i wish i could skip the first two parts and just do some type of  apprenticeship. Honestly a lot of the  psychologist i talked to only cared about me constantly coming back to them and then the others didn't seem to really care about me, or what i wanted. They were all just bad and i could do a better job then them, i think most of the people on this board could do a better job then them. I find it ridiculous how they got through 6-8 years of school, then 1-2 years studying under somebody ,then years of actually doing it come up with being  complete shit at it.  i honestly made more progress in a week then all the years of therapy i had, i want to continue to make progress so that i can complete my dream. 

I've been thinking about this too, of only doing things that make my brain sparkly like writing here, and writing my story and  trying to make videos. I want to eat right too and workout, but for some reason to all those positive things , just only doing things that i know will make me happy i have like a deep internal fear. None of the people i went to therapy even brought any of that stuff up, it makes me more sick that these monsters who call themselves professionals, experts in their field  that are even allowed to get away with this their bullshit.