skibum Posted April 15, 2014 Share Posted April 15, 2014 Hi all, I’ve been meaning to put a little “intro/confession” together here for a couple weeks now. [/procrastination] I’ll intentionally ramble in a stream-of-consciousness sort of manner because I really don’t want to filter myself, and I don’t think there’s really a better way to go about this. I’ve been burning through podcasts like crazy for the past few months (most of volumes 1, 2, the current, and now 4, trying to skip a few here and there and stop the perfectionism purely for the sake of time), and I can’t believe how many things seem to apply to my life/childhood or resonate with me currently (particularly the stuff on women and dating). To be as brief as possible, as there are so many directions I could take this: I think my childhood was one of neglect much more than abuse. I don’t remember being spanked, and if I’m blocking a memory of that kind I’m almost certain it wasn’t the ritualistic or sadistic type--more like one whack on the ass and that’s it. I’m now running one half of my father’s business, and I find myself struggling mightily (as with school and anything before this) to get and stay motivated. There are a lot of days where I sleep in--less than in my past, but more the last few weeks or so oddly enough. I’d say more than anything that it’s been a life of lost potential. I’ve hardly been motionless or inert but: relative to my looks, charisma, intellect, and even slight athletic talent (enough to play just about anything, but not particularly excel in one or another), one would think my life would’ve been far more “interesting”. High school was much more loser than prom king for me--funny because my dad was the prom king. Obviously high school is not where I wanted to leave my mark on the world, but it caused me a lot of pain, and it’s just a good microcosm of the chasm between who I seem like I could be on the surface and what I’ve actually achieved--I didn’t even graduate I was so depressed by the end of it. I’ve always had an almost grandiose (or at least if you have depression I read you’re prone to ‘grandiosity’) belief that I’m destined for greatness, but I don’t think I should relinquish that. I refuse to believe that I’m the one who’s crazy and not the world. Anyway, I joined the board to try and learn more about myself and what I want to become before my time runs out. I want to finally get clarity and peace with what’s happened in my past and the choices I’ve made so I can begin to confidently go forth. I simultaneously subscribed as a 'thank you' for all the podcasts I’ve digested (and forgotten) so far, and to contribute to many more. It really has been wonderful, and while I didn’t want to commit quite so much cash for gold or PK status, I was most certainly not going to be the “you’ve-changed-my-life-here’s-six-bucks” guy. Thanks everyone for reading. Derek Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kailuabear Posted April 15, 2014 Share Posted April 15, 2014 Hi Derek, That you are from Michigan caught my eye, as "in a previous life form, I was born and give 32 years of my life to that cold, mosquito laced place. South Haven, you know it? I've been living the last 25+years here in Hawaii. Yes, I'm bragging! Anyway, you are the very first person I have connected with here on the forum, as I am knew to this. I am just so excited to have found FDR, about 6 months ago, and like you, I've been trying to catch up ever since. I've been doing a lot of self study, and going through quite a transformation of beliefs and behaviors; all so enlightening ! Just want to welcome you, Derek, and say Mahalo, for letting me begin this part of the journey with you! To Truth and Love, BEar Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cynicist Posted April 17, 2014 Share Posted April 17, 2014 I’ve always had an almost grandiose (or at least if you have depression I read you’re prone to ‘grandiosity’) belief that I’m destined for greatness, but I don’t think I should relinquish that. I refuse to believe that I’m the one who’s crazy and not the world. I know what that feels like (both the neglect and feeling like I had a lot to offer the world) and I'm happy to welcome you to the board. You aren't crazy, you were right the whole fucking time lol. All the doubts you might have had when you were younger because people told you that you were wrong or didn't agree with anything you said, you were right. They didn't know any better than you despite their age and certainty in their beliefs. I know how important it is to realize that. And don't feel bad about subscriptions or anything. Take your time and absorb and you will donate when you feel the desire to do so, otherwise you risk guilting yourself through "shoulds" which is the opposite of what this convo is about. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
skibum Posted April 17, 2014 Author Share Posted April 17, 2014 Hi! Yes I do know South Haven. Thanks so much for the welcome--and yes you’re successfully making me jealous of Hawaii. Mahalo to you! Thank you for the kind words cynicist. Looking forward to chatting with everyone. Saw you in the chat room a few minutes ago too. Want to catch some of the Stanley Cup Playoffs and I’ll listen to the rest of the call-in show on iTunes haha. I know what that feels like (both the neglect and feeling like I had a lot to offer the world) and I'm happy to welcome you to the board. You aren't crazy, you were right the whole fucking time lol. All the doubts you might have had when you were younger because people told you that you were wrong or didn't agree with anything you said, you were right. They didn't know any better than you despite their age and certainty in their beliefs. I know how important it is to realize that. And don't feel bad about subscriptions or anything. Take your time and absorb and you will donate when you feel the desire to do so, otherwise you risk guilting yourself through "shoulds" which is the opposite of what this convo is about. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dayna j. Posted April 17, 2014 Share Posted April 17, 2014 Hi Derek. Wait, am I responding to my own post? No...okay, just had to make sure. My name is Derek as well, and I also live in Michigan. It seems that we have a lot in common. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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