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Jake,

 

First of all, I am so sorry you feel like you have never experienced love and that your father is abusing you. That is truly terrible and I hope you are successful in finding a safe place to live, you deserve better on both counts.

 

It take a lot of courage to stand up to peoples attacks as you are experiencing. What's more, it seems you have aspirations to move beyond your world today towards something better. You not only have an the interest in, but have experience with organic farming. You may want to checkout Joel Salatin's work at Polyface Farms (http://www.polyfacefarms.com/). Full disclosure, he's a Christian Libertarian :-). Despite this, he has some interesting ideas surrounding farming and you may find his work fascinating. 

 

Reflect on the possibility that your own love for yourself is part of what is causing your pain, a force from within demanding better from your life. Pain tells us a lot about ourselves, so do listen to its messages and remember pain is healthy. Also, Jake, I would argue you probably have a lot to love about yourself. Give yourself permission to love you. When dreaming about the farm you're going to own, for example. I don't know you, but I promise you're worth it :-)

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