A long overdue introduction

[InquisitorM]

Hello everyone.

 

From the first moment I even thought about joining this forum, I have been constantly surprised about much resistance I have felt towards it. I think I have a reasonable understanding of what has caused me a lifetime of depression and anxiety, and since I understand very well that causes are not justifications for a lack of responsibility, I have put in a great deal of time into working out why.

 

To be blunt, I don't really want to be alive. It's not like I want to kill myself or anything, but between the extreme emotional indifference of my parents and figuring out that culture and tradition was a sham at a relatively early age, I've just had a life of knowing I was in the matrix without having the words to express or understand it. Like everything else I can remember about my childhood, the state of simply being alive was a choice I did not really get to make. Understanding that 'taxation is theft' and 'culture is abuse' was easy because I knew that deep down, but changing my perceptions about my life and self-worth has been something more of a titanic struggle. I have no fundamental objection to being alive. I just have little or no emotional attachment to it.

 

Yet, here I am. It took a long while (no thanks to the utter failure of the NHS) to get here, but the simple idea of simply wanting more out of life is finally starting to affect my thoughts and actions in something approaching a cohesive and useful manner – confirmed by the fact that it hurts like all hell. I've started rejecting people... wait, no, that's not right, given that I've been isolating myself for years without understanding it. I've started consciously rejecting people who do not give me enough respect to have my own feelings and opinions – most notably my parents – doing some regular exercise (I'm about 18st), and wrestling with the genuine desire to hold some integrity together that gives me value, because that's something I've been missing all along.

 

That sense of integrity has me wanting to give something back for everything Stefan's work has done for me (and my close friends who benefit from it indirectly), but not quite having sufficient self-knowledge to breach the barrier of how to do so. I haven't had a job in twelve years, which is something I've been struggling with constantly, and it seems that a severe lack of belief in my own value is the key. I know that the society around me really doesn't want someone like me around, upsetting applecarts, and I don't feel like I have anything to offer those who have already taken the red pill. I don't know how I can donate my time to help Stafan's work because I still haven't quite cracked the sense of self-worth that would allow me to think in terms of making a difference – those pieces just don't quite fit together yet.

 

So here I am, trying to take one step at a time and wanting to help, just needing some support with the how.

 

 

-Scott 'Inquisitor' Mence

 

 

P.S. Stefan: I'd like to say that I am sorry for not previously being proactive in supporting Free Domain Radio. I haven't exactly been sitting on my hands over here, but I could have spoken out about how much I felt like I had nothing to contribute sooner, and for that cowardice, I apologise.

[Josh M]

I'm glad you have made the effort to confluence with this community, despite your history and hypothesised shortcomings. Your openness would point closer to 180 in regard such suggested shortcomings, to a more insightful future. I feel much resonance with my own history and current state with what I draw from your introduction. I myself, have ummed and uhhed about my own sense of self worth to the point that I have found it difficult (empirically impossible, on the boards thus far) to venture forth and even voice a mediocre hello to this sanctuary of light.

 

I'm incredibly sorry for your parent's emotional indifference - as an old war buddy might only perhaps, comprehend the traumas of the war. It was not for me so much the absolute scorn, as portrayed indifference, which I experienced - if that rides with you at all. I may have been in a separate division, but we share in the same war of old.

 

Stay the course(here at FDR), as I think that you have a lot to offer. I enjoyed your introduction very much, unto the point that you appologise to Stef. He's not big into that unless you've willfully wronged him. He's into empiricism(of course) - and to your credit, you're here and offering. He'd like that, I imagine; just not the apology. You have nothing to be sorry for that has been aforementioned of your past. I'd like to thank you for writing something that I feel somewhat close to, myself. Thank you for sharing your story thus far.

 

~ Josh

[InquisitorM]

Hello Josh!

 

Your openness would point closer to 180 in regard such suggested shortcomings, to a more insightful future.

 

Well, I've been in counselling for seven and a half years, and I've gotten used to how many muggles I can freak out by being open and honest with my feelings. Honestly, it can be kind of fun on the right day. For me, the point is less about whether there is insight there to be shared and more about the trauma-induced assumption that a potential recipient won't care – either because they don't want to know or already know more. Empirical counter-examples are likely a productive way forwards.

 

 

I'm incredibly sorry for your parent's emotional indifference - as an old war buddy might only perhaps, comprehend the traumas of the war. It was not for me so much the absolute scorn, as portrayed indifference, which I experienced - if that rides with you at all. I may have been in a separate division, but we share in the same war of old.

 

I'm having a little difficulty is parsing your wording, here, so I shall expand and let you draw any parallels for yourself.

 

My biggest issue (as those years of counselling can attest) is that my parents explained nothing and, to my recollection, took almost no interest in my experience of life. It was like I was just expected to know how everything worked and what the rules were; if I stepped outside of their (mostly this is about Mum, bat Dad was a huge enabler by churning out repeated 'we mustn't upset your mother' type garbage) perception of how things worked, I was the one made to feel like I had it wrong but without any explanation as to why. They didn't even pretend to have the answers; I was just supposed to know. Hardly surprising that by the time I left school I was drifting so badly that I stayed in a job I hated for five years because it just never occurred to me I could be doing something else.

 

After I finally gave up at 26 and sank into depression, it was like I had a magical curse that only an arcane ritualist could possibly understand. You know, it's all 'how can we fix him' rather than actually investigating what the problem actually was. Getting back out of my parents house again was a big part of speeding up my recovery, but it needed a lot of underlying work to make it fit.

 

 

I enjoyed your introduction very much, unto the point that you appologise to Stef. He's not big into that unless you've willfully wronged him. He's into empiricism(of course) - and to your credit, you're here and offering.

 

I do understand what you mean (and thank you very much for saying), but I think that consuming a little over two years of publicly available podcasts while knowing, however dimly, that some recompense was possible is just cause to accept responsibility for my questionable integrity. Sure, I had a plenty of reasons to be scared because of where I was mentally, but I did know. Even if I'd just popped in and said thank you, that would have been something, but I didn't even do that. I have a big thing about mutual respect, and thus I failed to act consistently regarding something I considered virtuous. To me, that feels like wilfully wronging him, even if it doesn't actually hurt him, per se.