Hello, from Bakersfield

[MagnumPI]

I'm new here. I don't really have anyone in my life I can talk to. Rather, nobody in my life actually gives a damn what I say unless it pertains to them or gives them some benefit. So, beign completely lost anyway, I figured I would come on here and see if any interesting conversation comes up.

 

It's only recently I've made the conscious decision to live, rather than wait to die. I remember my mom putting the idea in my head around the age of 4 that 'some animals can just lay down and die because they want to' and of course, being one of my earliest memories, the damage had already been done and that was just profound to me at the time. Like, "great! How do I get that superpower?" Time went on, I found out my mom smoked while pregnant. I was like 3lbs at 8 months when I was born.

 

At 6 or 7 years old, the conversation came up she said 'no, I never did smoke when I was pregnan't. Came up again at 10, 'yeah maybe once or twice'. 16 or so, 'yeah I did a little'. Then in my twenties, 'you know I did? I never said I didn't'! But if we're being honest, the next 20 something years worth of inhaled secondhand cigarette smoke from her, her whole family, my brother and sister, and then my dad later on, I wonder "which was worse?"

 

And then later suicide was introduced and I kind of just waited until I had the courage to pull it off. Never could pull the trigger and still struggle with it, pretty much constantly. If the first 30 years were this painful, why the hell would I stick around another day? Stuff like that.

 

My brother committed suicide in 2002, a year after a car accident I was involved in and responsible for during which the man in the other car died, and without anyone who gave a damn how I felt, I pretty much just went away for a few years. Just went through the motions of daily bullshit til something like a few months ago? A few spots here and there aside where I tried to do anything social or professional. I'm still not really seeing much in the way of results externally. Sure, I know so much more now about myself, but I'm still lost with no mentors or advice on how to live and do things.

 

When I was 13 my parents thought it would be a great fucking idea to move about 40 miles from town, the town only being Bakersfield, and never really bothered much with trying to help me socialize. Only after realizing the podunk hillbilly school here was just recess all day, they transferred me to the Bakersfield school, but then I couldn't do anything with my friends unless it fit my parents goddamned schedule. My dad got off at 5 so I'd get until 5:30 or if my mom went shopping or some shit. 2 fucking hours. Then a wonderful 50 minute ride home in a smoky fuckin car. Oh, but she cracked the window! It goes right out! And of course, it was just the way it was. Tough shit. We're pathetic fucked up shut-ins, by golly, you will be, too! Cocksuckers have absolutely no chance at forgiveness. Wishing I were dead for 25 years, minimum? And for my mom to pull the magic card, 'yeah we loved you. You just changed at some point and stopped blah, blah'.

 

Moved a little for jobs, hoping it would be different there! But no, it kept getting worse. And now, back in Bakersfield where I started, it's painfully obvious if anything is going to change, I'm going to have to figure something else out. Sorry if my tale is inappropriate or whatever and thanks for alowing me to share it in a place that someone might actually empathize or sympathize with it rather than dismiss or forgive these things.