Hello Everyone!

[TheSchwartz]

Hello, my name is Bryan and while I have been a long time lurker (2 1/2 years), this is my first post. Until very recently, I have been living disconnected with myself and the world, to the point where I felt like I was living in a video game where everyone were npcs. Just empty pixels to interact with occasionally along my solitary journey towards nothing in particular. As a result, human contact has become very alien to me, and I have only recently begun the process to learn how to reconnect with others and myself. I basically feel as if I have just woken up out of a coma, and I have yet to learn much of anything deeply about who I am, what I like, what I feel, and how I can bring others to myself as well as myself to others. I am incredibly confused about a lot of things at the moment, but I am trying to be as honest and totally open as I can. This is critical I think, as I have a lifetime pattern of lying to myself and others when it comes to asserting my own feelings and preferences.

 

In terms of "close" (I use quotes because I have realized the relationships are only superficially close in most areas) family I have one brother and two aunts (both of whom are common law married). I also have another aunt and two cousins who I am not very close to at all. My father passed away in 2001 from an embolism, and my mother passed away in 2011 from complications from liver cancer. In the 10 years that passed from those two dates my mother modeled incredibly hermit-like behavior. I think part of the reason I "woke up" recently is that I have realized that I am living basically as she did, except even worse. If she was hermit-like, I could almost be labeled a hermit, as she was at least working steadily and had people around her (unlike me then, and now where my brother is the only person I see on a regular basis). Basically, I feel as if I have had no friends or really any significant people in my life, my brother being somewhat of an exception. Despite the fact that he was the one who introduced me to FDR, and is older than me, I feel like I am more committed to personal growth than him. I see him consuming so much socially and politically material, but nothing of self growth, so I can only know that I don't see him actively working towards self growth I am only just now awakening to this fact after a desperate depression has gripped me over the past week (which is what I think is helping me to finally get over my apathy and to enter the path to finally become mentally healthy).

 

A little bit about my childhood, what I can remember at least. My father was the primary presence in my life, with my mother making nearly zero impact (of course other than to have chosen my father and birthed me, which is a pretty big part of me being here, but I digress). I only vaguely remember him yelling at me only sparsely throughout my childhood about nothing that I can remember specifically. I only remember 3 times that he ever spanked me. The rest of what I remember (or think I do) seems to be of him being a really good dad, and person in general. He was the biggest "people" person, in that, everyone really liked him and what he contributed to them and what he liked to do. According to my brother, my father was incredibly abusive and did such things as dropping a full, unopened gallon of milk on his head as he slept. This is very far from what I remember, but I have recently begun to think that my memories might be very clouded. I have also entertained the notion that perhaps it was simply that my father treated me "better" than him, although I feel the former is the more likely.

 

Basically, I have been isolated mentally or physically for all of my life and interacting with other human beings is incredibly alien to me and extremely awkward and unknown territory for me. I am tired of being so alone, and I am tired of me being so alone making me feel awkward about just talking to people. I guess this is really just a desperate cry for connection from someone who has had a life devoid of it.

 

I live in Columbus, Ohio with my brother and 2 dogs. A little over a year ago me, my brother, and my aunt, with the help of the trust that my mother built over the last years of her life founded a gunsmithing/machining/firearms training center that has not succeeded. We are not dissolving the business, just moving it to our home and no longer being a full time gunsmith/machinist, so I suppose I am now unemployed. I enjoy reading, particularly science-fiction and fantasy, nature, history, animals, and more recently, writing. I realize I have been fairly intellectually lazy for a good deal of my life and I have not done anywhere near as much intellectually stimulating/philosophical reading as I would like. Basically I have only read Stef's books in terms of philosophy. If anyone has a suggestion of good material in regards to philosophy, self knowledge, or history, that would be much appreciated. I have spent most of my life just doing things in compliance with the desires of those around me, always squelching my own feelings and desires. As a result, I have only just begun to work on examining my own desires and am still working out my own personality, desires, feelings, and so forth.

 

I hope you can understand any awkwardness that might be present in my introduction, as I am very new to opening up and even speaking directly and truthfully to others. I suppose this is simply a desperate plea for reciprocated honesty, vulnerability, and openness that I feel I have never truly experienced in my life. I truly thank you if you have taken the time to read this with an open mind and curiosity, and I very much look forward to hearing any replies there might be.

 

All the best!,

Bryan Schwartz

[madman]

welcome Bryan. thanks for takin a chance and posting. looks like we've got a lot in common. i'm new here so i don't yet know how to grab what you said and put it in here. this is really scary stuff. telling the truth and baring your soul is scary. it takes guts. i know i don't know anyone here and it's just cyberspace but it still scares me to death.  

Stephan recommended alice miller. he's right on. i started with the drama of the gifted child. it's a good place to start. i read the body never lies. it sez that if we can't face and process what happened to us as kids that trauma will manifest itself in the body. that's pertinant to me cuz i'm 51 and my body's been playin tricks on me since i was 30. i just started thou shalt not be aware. it looks pretty good. i read philosophy who needs it by ayn rand years ago and really enjoyed it. 

i remember very little about my childhood. therapy and journaling is helping me find my way back. my therapist said to write about anything that triggers me. so i throw up all over my notebook and look for puzzle pieces and bread crumbs to find my way back home. it's slow but it's workin.

i read rtr and it was real scary to try to apply what i read. just tryin to be honest was really hard but it's worth it. it's an acid test. it's one of the reasons why i defooed. i've never needed more than a couple good friends so i never worried about not havin a bunch. i haven't worried much about what people think since i was in my twenties. i hardly ever leave the house so i guess i'm a hermit too.

 "I have yet to learn much of anything deeply about who I am, what I like, what I feel, and how I can bring others to myself as well as myself to others". that's what i keep writing in my journal. welcome aboard brother, g

[TheSchwartz]

Hi madman, thanks for the input! For me, it has become harder and harder to be scared of being truthful anymore, mostly because of how much I realize I have nothing at all to lose. I am currently reading Self-Therapy by Jay Early which is on the IFS Psychotherapy and I plan on reading "In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts" afterwards. I'll definitely check out Alice Miller and Ayn Rand after, though. I will need to read RTR again as I don't think I was really connecting with it the first time through.

 

Edit: Spelling