dude, where's my childhood?

[madman]

hey ya'all. i've been scared to write so here it is. i live in west central florida. i found fdr when i heard stephan on the alex jones show. i listened to the intro to philosophy and i was hooked. i ain't been right since. steph was asking the simple questions that everyone is afraid to ask like why do we need a government? the kind of stuff i'd ask my best friends. this is an exciting roller coaster ride and i do believe it's the most important conversation in the world. i believe this is the key to happiness. i know philosophy is a two edged sword. i really didn't have much to lose. "life is short. get it good or get it gone". those are really wise words. i found a wonderful therapist who does childhood stuff. i quit listening to alex and dove into the relationship podcasts as i was recently divorced and my life was a mess. after i finished those i started from the beginning listening in sequence like i'm supposed to. i feel like a scared little kid. i remember very little from my childhood. funtime dad was out drinkin with the guys. i think he was scared of mom. she was batshit crazy. he would come home after we were asleep and we would wake up to screaming. we didn't know who was gonna be left in the morning. i know i spent a summer like that. i have 2 sisters. i'm the oldest. mom would come unhinged pretty regularly and let me have it cuz i was the man of the house and i was handy. she was mad at dad but she would take it out on me. all i can remember is verbal abuse from mom. dad almost killed me when i was 17 or 19 cuz he found some pot stuff in the basement. i never hid anything in my room so i must not have had any privacy. i'm at podcast 800 and stephan was talking about not having boundaries. i don't have any but i'm working on that. i was molested by a neighbor. i told my former wife(that's what she sez i need to call her) about getting molested and dad almost killing me like there was nothing to it. like it didn't mean nothin. i know i told my friends about dad cuz we were all potheads and he was a police sargeant at the time. we all hated our parents. aside from that i've never told anyone. i told my therapist shortly afterwards. i've been workin my ass off listening and journaling and talking. all i do is work. i've become a total shut in. i spent most of my life chasing sex, drugs, and rock and roll. i had no idea i was haunted by my childhood. i went to narcotics anonymous and adult children of alchoholics back in the eighties and thought i had all this childhood stuff worked out. what a retard. now i'm 51 and i'm pissed off that i have to be doing this now. i needed to do this 30yrs ago. i cuss like a sailor so i have to censor myself here and hope for the best. it's hard to express myself without cussing cuz i'm steeped in rage. i defooed 2 or 3 months ago. i really don't have any concept of time. my memory is crap so i'm findin it pretty tough to figure out what happened when i was a kid. i spend hours trying to sleep but i can't get more than 2hrs at a time. it's make it or break it time. it's time to act. it's time to get on the board and see if i can get some of that good stuff life has to offer. it's time to take a chance. thanks for listening and thanks for being here, g

[TheSchwartz]

I'm incredibly sorry to hear what happened to you as a child. I can't imagine what it must be like to be literally under constant threat of death from your own parents as I experienced mostly only neglect. I am less than half your age (23) and I am currently experiencing issues with cannabis abuse. I completely understand the desire to break with reality when reality is so relentlessly shitty and just be high all the time. You didn't mention if you still currently use alcohol or cannabis and if not, I was just curious what it was that helped you kick it.

[madman]

You didn't mention if you still currently use alcohol or cannabis and if not, I was just curious what it was that helped you kick it.

i went to narcotics anonymous and quit using for 13yrs. there were lots of young crazy screwed up people there so i fit right in. the support is what did it. they use tons of bromides. i had to change people places and things to be able to stay clean. i had to learn new tricks cuz the old ones weren't workin. i met some really good people and a couple of scourilous ones. i still have friends from that. Stephan recommended alice miller in one of his podcasts as recommended reading. she maintains that any kind of addiction can be traced right back to our childhood. i agree. if you have trouble with substance abuse na and therapy is a good place to start. i was insanely angry when i got clean and had no idea why. now that i've read alice miller and charles whitfield and found a good therapist that does childhood stuff i'm starting to figure out why. you can search na online and find whatever meeting is closest to you. having childhood issues makes us prime candidates for addiction. anything that can keep us from feeling. i got rid of the drugs and other things came in to take their place. it's all about the family. i never learned about boundaries or how to sucessfully communicate. hell, i didn't even know what i wanted to communicate. that's why i'm here. good luck brother, g

[SMG.]

Hey I am so sorry to hear what happened to you,

I cannot imagine such a life. I hope my response doesn't seem unempathetic its just that a troubled as my life is it has not compared to yours. Well done on your courage to take action, heering how you were able to do it gives hope to me as well.

[madman]

 

Hey I am so sorry to hear what happened to you,I cannot imagine such a life. I hope my response doesn't seem unempathetic its just that a troubled as my life is it has not compared to yours. Well done on your courage to take action, heering how you were able to do it gives hope to me as well.

 not unempathetic at all. i appreciate your response. there's some really cool stuff here. it's new and it's scary but it's good. it's really good.