wizzzardry Posted September 2, 2014 Share Posted September 2, 2014 Hi everyone, This is my first post. I am in something of a quandary. A month ago I reconnected with a cousin of mine, after eight years of no contact. He turns 18 this year, I am 27. I had nagging guilt about not being more in touch with him over the years. When he was younger he would come stay at my house, but when he was around 10 this stopped. I didn't ask myself why this was, and I feel shame about giving up contact so easily, now looking back. If I can keep this as short as possible, here are the facts: When I finally did reach out, he was in the midst of massive depression. We spoke on the phone for a couple of hours, two days in a row. He told me he had been depressed for a long time, miserable at home, awful relationship with his mom and dad. And he seemed totally lost. He told me he wanted to get help, which he got a few days later. He put his foot down at home and said he needed professional help. So he was voluntarily committed to a psychiatric hospital, for two weeks, where he was treated for depression. I had time to meet him and talk to him, and got a lot of information on what had gone on with him for the past eight years, and what was troubling him at home. Now, this is the thrust of what I'm trying to figure out: I am related to my cousin through his father, they haven't seen each other since my cousin was five. So he grew up with his mom and his stepfather. From what I've gathered, his mom has been grinding his feelings and emotions into dust, and lying to him about why he doesn't get to see his father. I have heard information about why they stopped seeing each other, I believe he deserves to know that information, but I don't know if I should be the one to tell him. His father, my uncle, has expressed wishes of getting back in touch - if he is willing. Does anyone have experience with these sort of delicate matters. How do I get my cousin the information that he deserves to know? Help, please. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SueBee Posted September 3, 2014 Share Posted September 3, 2014 If I understand correctly, your cousin's mother (your aunt by law) does not want her son to see his biological father. Your Uncle cannot communicate the reason to his own son. And his ex won't say, but instead chooses to lie. I am hesitant to ask, but want to know if the reason involves abuse, or people trying to manipulate one another in this family. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wizzzardry Posted September 3, 2014 Author Share Posted September 3, 2014 Hi Sue, thank you for responding. Based on the information I have, its manipulation. Once his mother decided she didn't want a relationship with my cousins biological father, she slowly fazed him out. Constantly undermining him, in front of my cousin, until my uncle felt it was impossible to be a weekend dad without it resulting in constant stress for my cousin. So he backed out and stopped seeing him. I'm not saying that's okay, or that it was the right thing. Does that make sense? Am I being too unclear? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Drew. Posted September 4, 2014 Share Posted September 4, 2014 I just want to express a lot of sympathy for the situation that you and your cousin are in. I personally don't have any experience with anything like this. I can imagine that you're under a lot of stress regarding this. I can't quite imagine what your cousin is going through, it can't be good if he wanted to commit himself to a psyche hospital. If there is a lot of manipulation in the family, what I can imagine is missing for your cousin is someone who honestly and sincerely wants what is best for him. Once again, I want to express what a difficult and trying situation you and your cousin are in. I wish you the best. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wizzzardry Posted September 4, 2014 Author Share Posted September 4, 2014 Thank you Drew, that's very kind of you to say. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SamtheSinger Posted September 10, 2014 Share Posted September 10, 2014 Oh man, what a mess! My sympathies go out to your cousin for being used and manipulated like that, and to you for the difficult position you find yourself in. That just sounds awful! I guess I wonder is there any reason why father and son can't reconnect? Does your cousin think his dad doesn't want to see him, or vice versa? My initial response would be to only say enough to let them both decide (based on truthful information instead of stories they may have been told) whether or not they want to talk again. I think some of the things you know might be better said by a father to his son, or son to father. It's dicey for sure, but I love that you're considering the impact of that though. Your cousin and uncle are both lucky to have you involved. In the past I have found myself in the middle of situations that were vaguely similar, and when I was honest with myself I could see that I had put myself in the middle because I really enjoyed how important I felt to be the one with such important news to deliver. Looking back, it was a really destructive and manipulative thing to do to the people involved. I don't mean to imply that that's something you would do, but you might just want to watch for that (if you're anything like me). I hope that helps! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wizzzardry Posted September 11, 2014 Author Share Posted September 11, 2014 Thank you Sam, I appreciate your sentiments. On the father's part, I think there's a mountain of regret and guilt that's holding him back. My cousin has said that he is open to the possibility of reconnecting, but doesn't think right now is the time, because of everything that's going on. I think you're right that the things that he should know, should come from his father. I've been considering the possibility of talking to them about meeting under the guidance of a good therapist, who could talk with them seperately and then together, later on if they indeed want to go that route. In the past I have found myself in the middle of situations that were vaguely similar, and when I was honest with myself I could see that I had put myself in the middle because I really enjoyed how important I felt to be the one with such important news to deliver. Looking back, it was a really destructive and manipulative thing to do to the people involved. I don't mean to imply that that's something you would do, but you might just want to watch for that (if you're anything like me). I hope that helps! This really resonated with me Sam. I can't begin to tell you how much it resonated with me. I remember when I got the call from my uncle, asking me for advice. I got this strong charge through my body, like a triple espresso. It scared me, and it continues to scare me. That's why I've been sitting on my hands, because I don't want to go charging into other peoples lives like a bull in a china shop - under the auspisces of "saving the day." Again, thank you and everyone else for your kind words, it means a lot. I've been able to talk about this situation with people in my life as well, so I'm not alone - and its great to be able to reach out here, on the forum. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SamtheSinger Posted September 12, 2014 Share Posted September 12, 2014 You're so welcome! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wizzzardry Posted November 6, 2014 Author Share Posted November 6, 2014 Just wanted to give a quick update, my cousin recently met his biological father for the first time. I talked to him yesterday, and he said it went fine. He sounded good. He still has problems at home, but we're talking on a semi-regular basis. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MMX2010 Posted November 6, 2014 Share Posted November 6, 2014 This really resonated with me Sam. I can't begin to tell you how much it resonated with me. I remember when I got the call from my uncle, asking me for advice. I got this strong charge through my body, like a triple espresso. It scared me, and it continues to scare me. That's why I've been sitting on my hands, because I don't want to go charging into other peoples lives like a bull in a china shop - under the auspisces of "saving the day." Have you read Real Time Relationships? I ask, because I have a lot to say about this paragraph, but it would be far easier for me to use an example from RTR. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wizzzardry Posted November 12, 2014 Author Share Posted November 12, 2014 I have not read RTR, it's on my to-do list. Will get on it soon. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MMX2010 Posted November 12, 2014 Share Posted November 12, 2014 I have not read RTR, it's on my to-do list. Will get on it soon. Shoot. When you explained that triple espresso charge that happened right as your uncle asked you for help, I knew that you had at least one parent (the dominant one of the pair) who required your emotional help on a consistent basis. This parent is usually the mother, whom you see as a constant victim of your father's emotional bullying, general stupidity, and uncaring nature. Deep down, you've learned that, "If I can only be there for my parent, then (and only then) will my parent be able to love me for who I am." http://therawness.com/the-reader-letters-1-series/ http://therawness.com/reader-letters-1-part-1/ http://therawness.com/reader-letters-1-part-2/ At bare minimum, you should read all three of those articles. But be warned, they're long. And if you want to get the most out of them, you'll need to read them in installments, because one paragraph will have you thinking about your parents, and then another paragraph will have you thinking about someone you used to date, and then another paragraph will have you thinking about someone your best friend is dating now. T routinely explains that grandiosity is the worst defense mechanism, because it leads to narcissism. But when you said, "That's why I've been sitting on my hands, because I don't want to go charging into other peoples lives like a bull in a china shop - under the auspisces of 'saving the day.'" - you displayed fear of being grandiose. So you're not grandiose/narcissistic, but you're almost certainly surrendering/codependent. (If you weren't, then you wouldn't feel the triple espresso charge.) And, by the way, the only reason that T's analysis struck me so strongly is that I, too, am surrendering/codependent - but I'm working on it. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wizzzardry Posted November 25, 2014 Author Share Posted November 25, 2014 I read the articles, thank you for bringing it up. This struck a chord: "For example, say my parents intentionally or accidentally, through neglect, bullying or pampering, made me feel growing up that my job is to self-sacrifice and be responsible for their emotions. I may surrender to this feeling and decide to accept these self-sacrificing values, and become a caretaker who seeks out dysfunctional people to fix, and I always emotionally and physically give without ever asking for much in return, hoping one day it will be my turn to receive. This is the codependent’s solution." "The codependent wants to erase his feelings of worthlessness by finding someone to please, impress or fix in the way he could never please, impress or fix his parent." Yeah, this was really good. I'm very prone to "magical thinking" - I think I need to stay away from that as a solution. In 'The Drama of Being a Child', Alice Miller writes: "If a person is able..to experience the reality that he was never loved as a child for what he was but was instead needed and exploited for his achievements, success, and good qualities - and that he sacrificed his childhood for this form of love - he will be very deeply shaken, but one day he will feel the desire to end these efforts. He will discover in himself a need to live according to his true self and no longer be forced to earn 'love' that always leaves him empty-handed, since it is given to his false self - something he has begun to identify and relinquish." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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