Hello, everyone.

[FireMinstrel]

Boy, oh boy do I wish I'd found this place, these podcasts, and everyone here six or seven years ago.

I'm a 31-year-old woman who looks and feels more like a 19-year-old.  After years of drug abuse, I've been working hard to maintain a clean and sober lifestyle.  The good news is that I'm not just off of illegal drugs, but also the legally prescribed psychiatric drugs that I realize did absolutely nothing for me, now that I'm off of them.  I've lost weight without them, I crave contact with people more, but it's not enough.

I know I've still got issues with being unable to assert myself, and losing my temper at what I constantly perceive to be having no control over my life.  This aspect of my personality has got to go if I ever want to settle down with someone and start a family.  I will NOT be a parent motivated by stress and anger like my mother was(who conveniently encourages me to practice forgiveness now).

I've devoured so many FDR podcasts over this past summer, ever since I listened to the one about Elliot Rodger.  Knowledge is like a drug for me, but at least it's a healthy one(an oxymoron, no doubt, but hopefully you all understand my point).  I feel so relieved to know that my being angry and jealous over constantly being dumped in daycares and with babysitters.  I have a hunch that I might have been severely neglected by the one I had before I was about two or three, since I grew up completely unable to assert myself.  No one bothered to notice and try to help me overcome that.  I had to realize my problem on my own, which took over twenty years.  I'm still trying to figure out how to assert my needs without coming across as "bratty" or "immature".

I hope I can finally get some real clues here.  Maybe I'll be able to call in to a show once I finally gather the courage.

[Kevin Beal]

Welcome!

 

I'm glad to hear that you are sober and making progress

 

The Elliot Roger video was only 4 months ago. That sounds like a really big lifestyle change and change in perspective in a short amount of time. Have you been able to talk about the changes you've been making with people in your life?

 

It was tough for me to adjust to what I was learning and who I was becoming. I didn't really have people in my life I trusted enough to talk to about it and that was really rough. Not having the feedback I craved, to know whether or not I'm saying things that sound good in my head, but don't actually make sense. And just being able to talk about it is important, for it's own sake.

 

In my case, I figured it was wise to get into therapy and recently finished 4 years of twice weekly analysis. I found it enormously beneficial in learning how to be more assertive, feel more secure in myself, know when to trust my judgment and feel confident in taking action toward my goals.

 

One thing that I think therapy (with a good therapist) can be great for is to practice having healthy disagreements. When I first started, I would feel irritated by something she'd said, but keep it to myself, feeling too insecure to say anything, for fear of blowing up, or her not wanting to be my therapist anymore. When trust became more securely established, I started telling her when she said things that bothered me and I got increasingly comfortable with it and eventually I was disagreeing with everyone, haha.

 

Any FDR podcasts that especially stand out for you?

[MMX2010]

I don't know whether you think of yourself as a tough person, but I think anyone who kicks an addiction habit is tough as nails.  And it makes me want to be tougher in my own life. 

 

Have you heard this podcast?

 

[cherapple]

Don't think of knowledge as a new drug. Think of it as spending your life in a desert and then coming across an oasis of water. You've been dying of thirst your whole life. It's only natural that you would want to drink as much as you can. 

[FireMinstrel]

Ooh, I haven't checked out that podcast.  Now I'll have something to listen to while I drive to work.  Thank you!I do always seem to be starving for knowledge.I do see a therapist, but have not yet started talking about these new developments.  I ended up not having seen her in about two months, but I have an appointment on Tuesday.  Things aren't perfect, and I did relapse briefly around the end of August, but I've come back and can hopefully figure out how to deal with hardships better than just running to a dealer.As for podcasts that stand out, it would have to be "But They Did The Best They Could".  A real eye-opener, considering my mother has also said that.  Granted, at least she's also said "I know we've made mistakes.", which is more than my dad could ever do.  I really don't think he's intelligent enough to understand what he's done.  He probably thinks I suddenly became cold toward him during adolescence for no reason.  However, I feel zero guilt.

My parents are still together, but honestly, my mother has no respect for my father.  He doesn't even make good money, so when I asked her why she didn't divorce him, her response was actually that it would be "too much hassle".  I can't help but wonder if she'd probably have to pay alimony, since she always made way more money than he did.  She expected me to treat him with respect when I was younger, but now, the rule seems to be "Just don't make him throw a tantrum, because I can't be bothered to deal with that.".  On the flip side, however, if I'm going through a rough patch, my mom will take my dad aside and say, "Just leave her alone, don't bother her."

Basically, my dad is an imbecile whose idea of quality time when I was little, was to constantly invade my space, bother me, and basically be the equivalent of a little kid poking an animal with a stick. The "little kid" can't understand why the animal always tries to bite them now.  He expects to be loved unconditionally, so he is always "closest" with younger relatives, who are still brainwashed by that "You have to love them for the sole reason that you share DNA." nonsense.

I grew up with severe school anxiety, due to never being able to understand directions, and an inability to focus on my tasks.  Year after year, my parents would react to my failures by taking away things like TV, which was my only respite from such a stressful life.  I was a poor student, yet I was forced to go to college, as if my parents believed I would magically acquire good study habits and skills.  When I didn't, they took it personally, as they always did.  How convenient that YEARS after they screw up, THEN they'll admit it.  Or rather, my mom.  My dad is really too clueless.  I'd almost be tempted to say he's too stupid to be responsible for his own actions, but I know he's just too lazy to think, which is why I feel this overwhelming contempt for him.

I look forward to when I finish school for the second time(on MY terms) and I can afford to finally move out of my parents' house.  Looks like this turned into a rant…well, thanks for reading if you're still following along.

[MMX2010]

He doesn't even make good money, so when I asked her why she didn't divorce him, her response was actually that it would be "too much hassle".

 

This is still my favorite Stefan podcast.  It was one of the first five (or maybe even three) podcasts of his I've ever listened to.  And it (probably) relates to your mother's answer.

 

[FireMinstrel]

Thanks for putting up that podcast, as I hadn't checked it out before.  I don't think it relates to my parents, however.  My father is completely ineffectual, and I think he's even intimidated by me now(which I'm totally fine with).  My mother was always the parent who frightened me as a child.

[MMX2010]

Thanks for putting up that podcast, as I hadn't checked it out before.  I don't think it relates to my parents, however.  My father is completely ineffectual, and I think he's even intimidated by me now(which I'm totally fine with).  My mother was always the parent who frightened me as a child.

 

If your mother has always frightened you, then your father had a duty to protect you from your mother's frightening aspects. 

 

Your mother also had a duty to protect you from what you described here: "Basically, my dad is an imbecile whose idea of quality time when I was little, was to constantly invade my space, bother me, and basically be the equivalent of a little kid poking an animal with a stick." 

[FireMinstrel]

My dad is afraid of conflict.  Occasionally, he'll have a hissy-fit if my mother or I talk down to him, but I'm so full of contempt for him that I don't care.  My mother pretty much offered a blanket apology for all the mistakes she made, AFTER bringing me home from the hospital after a drug overdose.

I still live with them because I never really learned how to function on my own, and my drug use stunted me for a good ten years.  I'm learning on my own(and with the help of these podcasts).  Once I get my associates degree in IT, and A+ certification and get a good job, making enough money to move out, I will have the no-holds-barred confrontation with my mother.  My father…he's too dumb to ever understand how he alienated me, so I won't bother.

In the meantime, I work second shift, so even though I live with my parents, I only see them on weekends.  Right now, my mother is helping me with my accounting class(required for either of the degrees I'm deciding between), but I think she also knows not to resort to micromanaging my study habits(which have improved now that I'm older).  School was always a major point of contention because I was "too smart" to be getting the bad grades I got.

I do have to credit her with her no longer pushing me all the time about this and that, because that always sent me running to illegal substances.  Every time I screwed up, my mother would have a conniption, and make the atmosphere around the house absolutely unbearable for the next few days.  When I was younger, this was also accompanied by a laundry list of punishments, which she would eventually forget about until the next time I screwed up.

All of that stopped once she started going to Nar Anon meetings.  Is she truly taking responsibility for contributing to my stunted emotional growth?  She still will come up with the "it's in the past" whenever I delve into why I'm so screwed up.  Usually followed by: "But look now!  See all the things you're doing to improve your life!" motivational speech encouragement. Almost like she's escaping responsibility by trying to butter me up with praise.

I just don't know...