Greetings from Connecticut

[dafreshmaker]

Hello brothers and sisters. My name is David, I'm 41 years old and live in Connecticut.

 

Before I go on about myself, I'd like to express my deep appreciation to Stephan and to all that make this community great. I seem to find a little piece of myself in nearly every conversation I hear from in community. So thank you all for sharing your experience of life and all that you contribute to this much needed conversation.

 

How I found this community is as simple as a friend shared a link to "The Truth About Voting" on Facebook. I can not say that I was hooked from that particular video, however, I have become a regular listener of FDR

 

For me FDR is a continuation of what I have been working towards for most of my adult life. 

I became a parent at the age of 19, was single custodial parent of 2 by the time I was 22. My children's birth canal abandoned her children and moved 1000+ miles away when my children were 2 years old, and never looked back. I had an abusive childhood and did not want to inflict this same experience on my children. Over the years, I've spent countless hours reading, watching, and listening to various material of topics ranging from Psychology, Self Help, Business, Communication, Science, Relationships, etc. Today my son is 22 and my daughter, 21 and our relationships have never been stronger than now. 

 

 

There was a few things that really helped me over the years with this experience.

 

1. "Keep the end in mind". The end I had in mind was, "This time will eventually end, and when it does, I want my children to be proud to call me their dad. I do not want our relationship to end at the age of majority"

 

2. What part of this is about me and what is not me. (I see it all the time in other people that readily point out where others are wrong, but not where they are wrong, or mistaken, or not looking at the whole picture). So don't focus only on others faults, don't ignore them either. See things as close to as they are as you can, and to do that you need other people, because we cant see our own stuff, but we can see the same thing in someone else that we ignore in ourselves.

 

3. Dating was optional as a single custodial parent. One thing I did not want to do was replace their mother, but that's just a piece of it. I just don't understand where these single mothers have the time, I surely did not. The way I generally describe this to people is this. "I really don't have the time or the energy for a relationship. My days and nights revolve around my children and their needs. So a typical day would be, wake up do our morning routine, get the kids off to school, head to and work all day, pick the kids up from daycare after work, head home, do night routine, homework, conversation, random cleaning, dinner, some TV, story time, bed time... wind-down time, bedtime... then rinse and repeat. I mean my days were completely consumed. These children were the most important people in my life and I had a responsibility to meet. So it made no sense to me at all how so many single mothers had so much time to engage in new romantic relationships with so much already on their plate.

 

4. You can not help your children grow past a point that you yourself have not yet achieved. So, Learn Learn Learn!

 

It feels so odd talking about this stuff again. There was a time when I had this conversation often, about how it came to be that I had custody of my children, over the years I've had this conversation less and less. I didn't need to talk about is anymore, I stopped trying to figure out why, or how a mother could just walk away from children she gave birth to. I just locked myself down and did the work. 

 

So in a way, another reason I am here is, I don't want this experience to be for nothing. I could have walked right past FDR, I could have not written this small excerpt from my mind. There are lessons in my story that I do not want to fade, and that I want to share with ears that can hear these intense topics. I find great comfort in the existence of this community and the people involved in it

 

I could fill this space a hundred times over with various experiences, lessons and memories, however, this is an intro 

 

If you made it all the way down here, thanks for reading, and I look forward to being part of the experience that is FDR

 

Dave

 

 

 

 

[Kevin Beal]

Hi Dave!

 

Welcome to the boards

 

I'm glad to hear that the things you've been learning have strengthened your relationship with your kids and are motivating for you.

 

You can not help your children grow past a point that you yourself have not yet achieved. So, Learn Learn Learn!

I really like this part a lot. I think this is true in a lot of relationships, and is something I'm committed to as well. I think it's a very important insight.

[PGP]

 

Dave, virtual hug for being a good man!!!

Inspirational stuff.

Welcome!!!

[dafreshmaker]

Hi Dave! Welcome to the boards  I'm glad to hear that the things you've been learning have strengthened your relationship with your kids and are motivating for you. I really like this part a lot. I think this is true in a lot of relationships, and is something I'm committed to as well. I think it's a very important insight.

Thanks Kevin, it's good to be here. I agree as well, that statement is true for many relationships as well in the context of trying to help other people see reason.

Dave, virtual hug for being a good man!!!Inspirational stuff.Welcome!!!

Thanks PGP :-)