Noob Intro

[helot]

At an early age I was fondled by my paternal grandfather who later proved to be a notorious pervert who assaulted many children.  I am unaware of anything specific my core family, but I have to assume I was not the only one.  This became more apparent when I was raped by my brother some years later.  As a side note, my brothers are 7 and 10 years older than me, which provides perspective surrounding a lot of my experience as a child.  As an example, when I was 6 years old, my oldest brother was driving a car, so there was not much connection happening between me and my siblings.

 

There was another child born 11 months prior to me who dies shortly after birth.  I cannot say if I only felt this or was told this, but I was a replacement for that child.  This came with a double edge because my mother loved me in a way that my other brothers saw as favoritism, but there was pressure for me to be exceptional.  When I failed to live up to her expectations, emotional abuse became a common tactic for her.  Mostly it has devolved into guilt trips and a complete lack of empathy for me, my children, or anything but herself at this point.

 

My father is a good man, but again, the grandfather issue seems to have played a role in the fathering I received.   He gerw up in a generation where gender roles were more strict yet there was an aspect unexplained in who he became as a result.  I can remember hugging my father one time in my life and that was when I left for college.  Other than that, the affection really only came from my mother, (brothers being irrelevant in that regard because of the age gap) but that affection came only when I was meeting the exceptional expectations.

 

From the age of 7 I was latch key, and I explored the world alone for most of my life.  I made friends easily, but never quite fit in with any clique or group.  I could interact with anyone, but always felt strange and often was the butt of jokes due to being exceedingly small and uncoordinated.  I was bullied and developed a harsh verbal defense that I maintain in the present.  I learned how to break people down emotionally and became an emotionally bully in defense.

 

To put things in perspective, I weighed 45 pounds at age 10 and at age 18 I was 6'1" and weighed 125.

 

I was tested at age 5 with an IQ of 149 and placed in a "gifted and talented" program at the public school.  The most vivid memory I have is being taken to a room where I was sat in front of a screen where a monarch butterfly raced around.  I was told to follow the butterfly and remember feeling as if I was cheating because I would lose track of it and catch back up to it without letting the adult in the room know I was unable to track the path exactly.  I don't remember anything after than and it feels as if I was hypnotized in some way.

 

I had lost this memory for over 15 years when something caused it to flood back in my mind.  I went back to the school to get some answers only to be told that they destroy records after 10 years.  It eats at me a bit to have this memory and often I find myself deciding I have made the whole thing up.  It is possible after all given that my memory of childhood is very poor.  I didn't realize how sparse my memory was until I got married and my wife did not believe I could not remember more than I do about being a kid.  I sat down and tried to journal every memory I had about being a kid, and the time from age 4 to about 14 is very cloudy.  I can't give an accurate number, but I can say the gaps are quite extraordinary.

 

Needless to say, a genius IQ came with a heavy dose of expectation that I rebelled against as a teenager.  In some regards I tried to dumb myself down because I could not fit in  with my peers, and I could not find romance.  I also found that I did not enjoy the company of highly intellectual people in the rare cases where I found myself in their company.  I suppose I equate it to the fact that I have never found myself as a superfan of anything.

 

I enjoyed Star Wars, but I do not dress up in costumes and clutter my house with memorabilia.  I enjoy Hockey, but I do not plan my life around watching every game, playing fantasy leagues or again cluttering my house with memorabilia.  This translated into my intellectual side.  I enjoy digesting hard to comprehend topics and participating in heavy conversation, but I do not chase down expertise or cement my feet into any singular mode of thought or series of dogma.

 

The only consistent method in my life is to choose the third path.  Generally in an argument there is a tendency to choose one of two sides, and the conversation usually devolves into a pissing match or intellectual masturbation.  Given any topic, I find the third path, the one where both sides are correct and both sides are incorrect, trying to glean a more accurate view of the world as opposed to one that locks thought into a box.

 

So why am I here?

 

Long story short, Joe Rogan (who I regard with both respect and loathing) introduced me to Stefan who has reinforced some ideas I have had about gender equality, anarchism, and peaceful parenting.

 

On that note, there have been anarchistic societies in the native populations of the Americas as well as Australia and others that existed for 1000's of years so the process does work so long as you remain "uncivilized".

 

Anyway, I have found myself today having severed most of my relationships for one reason or another, struggling with my marriage for one reason or another, not being the kind of father I want to be for one reason or another, and fighting my desire to challenge the philosophies of this board through exposure of the flaws inherent in trying to force a chaotic world to conform to human ideals.

 

Really I am hoping to find something useful I can apply to my life while exercising polite interaction with others.

[Tresor]

Hi helot!

 

I’m incredible sorry for the things that happened to you, I can’t imagine how tough it must have been. I hope this forum is going to help get you some tools, which you can apply in your daily life.

 

Why are you fighting exposing; “the flaws inherent in trying to force a chaotic world to conform to human ideals.”?