Revanna Posted October 12, 2014 Share Posted October 12, 2014 first things first: as the title suggests, I really don't feel all-too comfortable with writing what I would call a closed-format text, be it an email, a document or just a forum thread, so I apologize for screwing with things and will probably not end up being decently happy with what or how I wrote down what I did in the end : p Hello, my name's Jenny and I'm a girl of currently 18 years old, was born in Germany and happen to be (MtF) transgender. My "home", if you want to call it that, is.. well, special, I guess – my parents broke up before I was born and I have always lived together with my single mother, in a 45m² apartment that has only one bedroom and is basically always filled with old junk. My mother has never really had a job, so for all the years my memories reach back, we have always lived off of the welfare that the state provided her with, mainly secured by the fact that I was going to school; now, this is not the case anymore – or rather, it has not been for the past year. Being transgender and aware of it from young age I always had a hard time in school, and as of second grade I pretty much always had to deal with consistent bullying which also became more physical by the time – getting beaten up at the age of 8 probably shaped me more than one would wish, but that is how it went. And it would happen regularly, and basically until I quit the grammar school I later went to after ten years of school – seing how that is not enough to attend university in Germany, I lack that way of escaping from this place and I did a one-year additional qualification on a vocational school two years ago. Still, that is not enough to get me anywhere by itself and the only form of jobs that appear to be available in my city or around it are metalworking and truckdriving, which well, I can't do due to my physically extremely fragile condition and lack of a driver's license, not to mention the (I hate to say it) countless triggers I would probably have to go through on a regular basis. My situation at home has also all but improved over the past years, my mother becoming more and more apparent of borderline and getting more angry and physical with me by the day, often resulting in her shouting at me and dooming my entire existance while grabbing my face and spitting on it aswell as throwing bottles – not ones made out of glass but still.. that's where I am at at the moment and I don't know where to go or what to do. I now am attending another two-year specialized grammar school, not even for the eventual graduation (because let's face it, I'm not going to stay here for those two years if I ever get a chance) but just the child support money of the state that is needed to keep a roof over my (and my.. /beloved/ mother's..) head; sure, it's not the most nobel thing to do but I kinda gotta buy time somehow, one way or another. Job- and educationwise my situation is currently rather diring due to my health that seemingly decided to take a jump off some sort of canyon cliff, rendering me unable to attend school or work experience for three weeks consecutively by now and potentially endangering my school slot due to dropping below minimum attendance - though to be honest, my body's future health is worth more to me than that as I got a case of tenosyvitis (similar to RSI and Carpal issues) and would much rather not have it not heal, let alone even get worse, just to maintain my chances on potentially acquiring a sheet of paper in two years in which I might not even be here anymore, so there's that. In case I did not mention this before, my mother's pretty much got an issue along the borderline variety, so.. well yeah go figure, getting more physical and all by the time. So yeah that is a bit of me and my situation, though I guess I might aswell get to talk about the entire FDR thing and how I got here in the first place; initially I got linked to one of Stef's videos like.. a whole while back, like, enough months for me to not remember exactly (though really, that doesn't mean all-too much) and while I didn't find myself to have the head for it at the time, I later noticed that just about anything talked about and discussed in the podcasts had one thing in common: I agreed with it, and I found it very natural to do so, since I pretty much felt I had had the exact same talks before, many times - surely not in the exact same way, but I felt as though I went over this with people before, a lot and frequently so, within various communities, be they of online games, forums, in person or just with friends over skype. And that's where the part comes in where it's hard for me to really write anything in a closed text like this: I find it natural to make sense, it's pretty much my highest priority as of.. ever. I want to understand people, but I can't understand what makes no sense and contradicts it's own beliefs and preaches, it just doesn't go in my head - so over time, I've gotten more adapt at addressing those issues and talking about them but.. all of that is in interpersonal talk and discussion, not in a closed-format forum post or email but much rather so via voice or instant messages (which admittedly, I highly prefer). It all just feels very natural to me, so I don't have a lot to give as a premise to you or anyone, really - the best thing I could advise as to get to know me would simply be to talk to me in a chitchatty over-the-phone/skype fashion (..though yeah again, I do have vocal issues, so I highly prefer text); thank you for reading and hello everyone again ~ *** If I missed anything that could potentially interest you or you would seem appropriate and fit for an opening post, let me know and I'll go add it; too perfectionistic to not do so : p *** 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Iuliu Pop Posted October 13, 2014 Share Posted October 13, 2014 Have you ever considered going on call-in show and discussing your pretty profound family problems with stef?, I bet you could get put to the front of the queue if you explained your situation to Mike, and if you feel to anxious to talk live on the podcast I've heard Stef offering to people the option to talk in private. Talking with a therapist is another important action to consider, I'm not sure how the school system works in Germany, but in my high school in Canada there's always a few therapists available to talk to (although their quality as therapists might be questionable since they're working in a public school) . But other than that I don't know what advice I should give you, I just feel incredibly sorry for the situation you're in with your mother and your health problems. If there is anything you want to ask me I'll be happy to help. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Revanna Posted October 13, 2014 Author Share Posted October 13, 2014 Have you ever considered going on call-in show and discussing your pretty profound family problems with stef?, I bet you could get put to the front of the queue if you explained your situation to Mike, and if you feel to anxious to talk live on the podcast I've heard Stef offering to people the option to talk in private. Talking with a therapist is another important action to consider, I'm not sure how the school system works in Germany, but in my high school in Canada there's always a few therapists available to talk to (although their quality as therapists might be questionable since they're working in a public school) . But other than that I don't know what advice I should give you, I just feel incredibly sorry for the situation you're in with your mother and your health problems. If there is anything you want to ask me I'll be happy to help. I had a few different therapists over the past two years, mainly aimed at getting myself approved as trans and finally getting hormone treatment (..which I kinda wanted to ever since I was 4?), and to be honest, I never found any of them to be particularly empathic or easy to open up to, which isn't quite the good sign for a therapist.. also, queue times reach from 6-24 months because of public healthcare and all that junk.. About the call-in show.. I kinda wanted to do that, but there are multiple issues with it: a) I have a lot of issues with my voice, pretty much PTSD if you will (..though not diagnosed which I mainly blame on b), but you get the point) and b) I have an extremely hard time being anywhere open whatsoever using it, due to said reason a). I've been trying to work away on it bit by bit and it's slowly doing a thing but.. I don't know how long it'll take for me to be able to really express myself via voice rather than just my idealisms, if that makes any sense (releasing emotions is the problem.. a big one) - as a consequence of these I also only had like three actual conversations in english using voice, chips away on my bit of confidence aswell.. I am also fairly certain I wouldn't get the amount of free space and room for myself required to make a call like this, considering my mother is pretty much here for most of the day, and rather chippingly so (if that's the right word, anyways..), and then there's also the issue of timezones.. Man I hate being depressing about things <_< Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tresor Posted October 21, 2014 Share Posted October 21, 2014 Hi Jenny, I found your story very touching and feel deeply sorry, you have to grow up in an environment like this. You’re absolutely a rock star, for surviving and hanging in there. I think it’s great you are now part of this forum were you can find other people to talk to and share you experiences, and gain new positive experiences. You are 18 and there is a lot time for building something beautiful. Fdr helped me to find some great people that help, listen to what I have say, and like me for who I am. I hope this also happens to, you definitely deserve it. I hope this message makes you feel welcomed and appreciated. All the best Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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