Anxiety and Depression

[Alvaro Bernardes]

Recently (about a week from now) I began feeling depressed and anxious about my work, which right now is being an intern in a furniture store, developing their website. I feel really confused about where these feelings come from, and I'd love some feedback from the FDR community about this.

 

 

This last year i decided to take a one year course on web development, which here in Portugal is the (and I think Europe) is level 5 education (lvl 4 is highschool and 6 is college, i think). I was very excited in the beggining and really loved programming, and although there were some really useless classes, the course was a overall positive, and I was enjoying my time there.

 

In the end of the school year, came all the exams and i was really under stress for two weeks. I needed to build a webstore from ground up as evaluation for multiple classes. I was really enjoying building this website in the start, and it made me very happy since I've had problems finding motivation in the past, and i was building a website that was really exceeding everyone's expectations, and I was also going to sell it to a friend. But in the end of programing it I started getting really annoyed with all the bug fixing and testing and working on it started to be really boring, like I didn't want to finish it.

 

During the last 3 months I also started interning. It was ok in the start, but quickly turned boring because I wasn't programming, I was adding products to the furniture webstore I'm interning for. I was always thinking I'd have fun programing for the webstore i work for, and i was really looking forward to start since I was tired of the repetitive work.

After some time interning, we finally started programming a website, to generate traffic to the webstore (a gallery of furniture to attract new customers). The planning was fun in the beggining, but almost as soon as me and my 2 friends also interning there got to work, I felt really unmotivated, and finishing the website felt more like a obligation and less like the job i wanted to have 6 months ago... I started feeling deep sadness and anxiety, mainly in the bug fixing and testing.

 

During this period one of my colleagues asked the supervisor to start interning from home, which is doable given the nature of the job, and since it's almost 1h to get to work. He started being much less productive and everytime we'd have disagreements he'd respond with passive agressive comments, which was really annoying. My other colleague and I also started having problems and getting upset at eachother, for reasons that I won't go into here, but if you need details I'll respond to.

 

To top off this combination of being upset at the job i was doing and my colleagues, the place i was working at was a badly lit cubicle, with barely any natural light.

 

This is when I started to feel really bad. Everyday I went to work i felt so sad I had to take breaks to cry. I was counting every minute to go home. Even writing this made me tear up. I decided to ask my supervisor if i could work from home two days a week, and he agreed, while hearing me crying about it. I felt sad and anxious. Every day I worked there I was hoping for when I could stay home. Every day I worked home I was sad that the next day i'd have to go work there.

 

Today is monday, and I decided to not go to work because i'm feeling too anxious and almost depressed. I didn't feel like eating (I'm a bit overweight), I didn't feel like doing my morning routine, I feel like ****.

 

*I forgot to mention my girlfriend has been helping me through these tough times.

** Also yesterday my cat (he's very important to me) got really sick and the vet told me he could have the feline equivelent of leukemia or aids.

[jpahmad]

If you're losing your appetite that most likely is the anxiety and/or depression.  It is unclear what specifically triggered or caused the onset of the anxiety from your story.  There is the job itself, then there are the relationships with the people you work with.  Which do you think is the trigger?  It is sometimes very subtle and hard to tell.  But once these emotions get triggered, they sort of take on a life of their own and it becomes hard to stop the cycle downward.  

 

You seemed to have very high expectations of this programming internship thing.  Were you perhaps relying to heavily on this job experience being a positive change in your life?  Is it that everything has been one big let down?  How old are you by the way?

[Kevin Beal]

Sorry to hear about the anxiety and depression

 

I've been a full time web developer for 4 years now and I think I can relate to your story.

 

Debugging can be overwhelming and frustrating, and in-turn that overwhelm can cause anxiety and thoughts that you are failing in some way, which in-turn leads to depression.

 

Something that I learned that added a ton value was to be careful about when I get overwhelmed at work. I try and catch it as early as possible and find some way to calm myself and relax. Relaxing actually helps your cognitive functions as well, which is especially important when it comes to web development. Getting anxious contributes to monomania which is a problem if you're operating from a false premise, constantly hitting your head against a wall trying to make something work that simply won't work. Relaxing broadens your focus so you can see things fresh and new and creatively.

 

I think this is something that happens to all web developers. After a while, you get frustrated and overwhelmed enough and have pushed through it to find a solution enough times that you can kind of recognize that pattern and take a step back.

 

Unfortunately, I don't think is ever a time when you stop getting frustrated or overwhelmed, and some amount of stress is actually good for you, but learning to see that happen in yourself and stop it from getting worse is a skill worth developing.

 

And learning that mistakes are inevitable and almost never as disastrous as we think initially is really important. Getting overwhelmed and anxious isn't going to help you or your employers. It's really important to be kind to yourself. Learning to keep things in perspective is what is going to bring the most value to your employers.

 

Beating yourself up causes depression. Depression saps motivation. A lack of motivation is not good for anyone.

[Alvaro Bernardes]

If you're losing your appetite that most likely is the anxiety and/or depression.  It is unclear what specifically triggered or caused the onset of the anxiety from your story.  There is the job itself, then there are the relationships with the people you work with.  Which do you think is the trigger?  It is sometimes very subtle and hard to tell.  But once these emotions get triggered, they sort of take on a life of their own and it becomes hard to stop the cycle downward.  

 

You seemed to have very high expectations of this programming internship thing.  Were you perhaps relying to heavily on this job experience being a positive change in your life?  Is it that everything has been one big let down?  How old are you by the way?

 

 

Thank you for your insight, I'm 20 years old. It's definitely true that it was a let down, but i don't think i had very big expectations. I was looking forward for it since it would be my first time working 8h a day. I agree that I was expecting for this experience to be a positive change, but i'd like to also point out that I really felt that I finally found the job for me, but lately I've had no motivation to code and it's making me fearful of my future. I feel like I should already know what I want to do for a living and feel passionate and commited to it, getting started with my career and be independent.

This is what I believe to be the trigger of the depression, but i wonder why i suddently stopped enjoying the work i loved for a year, and even started learning by myself.

Sorry to hear about the anxiety and depression

 

I've been a full time web developer for 4 years now and I think I can relate to your story.

 

Debugging can be overwhelming and frustrating, and in-turn that overwhelm can cause anxiety and thoughts that you are failing in some way, which in-turn leads to depression.

 

Something that I learned that added a ton value was to be careful about when I get overwhelmed at work. I try and catch it as early as possible and find some way to calm myself and relax. Relaxing actually helps your cognitive functions as well, which is especially important when it comes to web development. Getting anxious contributes to monomania which is a problem if you're operating from a false premise, constantly hitting your head against a wall trying to make something work that simply won't work. Relaxing broadens your focus so you can see things fresh and new and creatively.

 

I think this is something that happens to all web developers. After a while, you get frustrated and overwhelmed enough and have pushed through it to find a solution enough times that you can kind of recognize that pattern and take a step back.

 

Unfortunately, I don't think is ever a time when you stop getting frustrated or overwhelmed, and some amount of stress is actually good for you, but learning to see that happen in yourself and stop it from getting worse is a skill worth developing.

 

And learning that mistakes are inevitable and almost never as disastrous as we think initially is really important. Getting overwhelmed and anxious isn't going to help you or your employers. It's really important to be kind to yourself. Learning to keep things in perspective is what is going to bring the most value to your employers.

 

Beating yourself up causes depression. Depression saps motivation. A lack of motivation is not good for anyone.

 

 

Hello kevin, and thank you for sharing your experience as a web developer.

 

I'm sorry if I'm ignoring what you've said (I feel like I am) but I don't think i feel overwhelmed while debugging, in fact i feel quite bored. With the website I sold to a friend I stopped wanting to make it and recieve the payment, This happened when I was integrating it with paypal. It took me a while to start reading into the paypal integration, and i'm not sure why but I really didn't want to do the job towards the end. I didn't have any motivation. I'm starting to realize I felt this way because I though one teacher had unrealistic expectations. This is similar to the perfectionist expectations I think my current employer (where I'm interning) has. Maybe they were justified, but at the time I didn't think they were and still don't.

 

What has been your experience with this?

 

 

Also I'd like to ask where do you find motivation to code?

 

 

Edit: I just saw that you build fdrpodcasts! It's awesome and I've used it for a long time!

[Kevin Beal]

I'm sorry if I'm ignoring what you've said (I feel like I am) but I don't think i feel overwhelmed while debugging, in fact i feel quite bored. With the website I sold to a friend I stopped wanting to make it and recieve the payment, This happened when I was integrating it with paypal. It took me a while to start reading into the paypal integration, and i'm not sure why but I really didn't want to do the job towards the end. I didn't have any motivation. I'm starting to realize I felt this way because I though one teacher had unrealistic expectations. This is similar to the perfectionist expectations I think my current employer (where I'm interning) has. Maybe they were justified, but at the time I didn't think they were and still don't.

 

What has been your experience with this?

 

Also I'd like to ask where do you find motivation to code?

I was assuming that the boredom (among other things) is what led you to feel overwhelmed. Overwhelmed with thoughts like "this is too big" or "I can't do this". If that's not the case, then I retract my statements about that.

 

But just in case, I wanted to add that while it continues to feel big and frustrating and overwhelming, you will absolutely start to feel more capable of achieving your goals. I think it's because you feel it so often, but push through and succeed anyway, that the belief "I can't do this" becomes like the boy who cried wolf too many times.

 

So in a sense it doesn't get easier, and in another sense, it does get easier. If it only gets easier and doesn't still frustrate you, it's because you aren't raising the bar and pushing past your comfort zone. It's a good thing that it is occasionally stressful.

 

I do feel bored often, for sure. But I think that's true for any job. Stef has mentioned that he has to do a lot of boring stuff in order to make the show successful. I think boredom is pretty unavoidable.

 

I personally don't believe in this sentiment that you must go where your passion is. I think passion is important, but if passion is all you got, then the moment you don't feel that passion anymore, then what do you have left? Nothing.

 

My boss is constantly raising the bar and expecting things from me that I've never done before. I used to resent it, but now I actually crave it. It's only because I've had to do so many different types of projects that I've developed the skill sets that I have. My resume is looking pretty damn good, and it keeps me stimulated.

 

I don't know what your work environment is like, but negative people certainly can make it more difficult to focus, cause dread rather than motivate, and it may be useful to talk to your coworkers about it, or management.

 

I take my work environment pretty seriously. The music I play while I work can dramatically affect my performance, so I keep it upbeat. I make sure to thank people whenever they explain something or help me out with something, and I just generally try and boost morale. I start out the day at work with sentence completion exercises to remind me about what is important. And I try and stay as relaxed and positive as I need to be to get my work done.

 

Hopefully that was helpful