How do I know if this woman should mother my children?

[Anarchogavin]

I am having a difficult time telling if the woman I am with is fit to be a mother to my potential children.

 

The good:

She is intelligent, nurturing, a good listener (mostly?), is completely on board with peaceful parenting, she can make some income from home, good looking, already owns a house.

 

The bad:

She is does not have a lot of friends, and her family would not make an acceptable extended network for raising children. She is prone to intense bouts of anxiety and/or depression, there is always a 'good' reason, but it seems far too often and too intense to me. therapy doesnt seem to be helping her, her therapist seems very feminist and pushes her into a victim mentality, which just makes things worse.

 

I am very afraid that we will have children, and she will just "have bad days" when I am not around, and she will be left caring for my child(ren) while going into a frighteningly irrational and dissociated state.  

 

We are both in our late 20's, the time is here for this sort of thing and I dont know who to ask, I have never directly seen a marriage that I want to emulate.

 

[brucethecollie]

I'd ask her if she worries about her depression and anxiety and how that might affect how she mothers in the future. Maybe she is already worried about this?  Maybe she should start?  Perhaps that awareness can lead to better/different therapy to tackle the issue.

[Taiga]

I am having a difficult time telling if the woman I am with  is fit to be a mother, to my potential children.

 

The true problem is you're not telling her your fears, there is lack of communication: non equal participation ?

Children and or marriage is a sensitive subject to whom?

 

You are two individuals dating, love isn't mentioned. This then is or isn't right now a committed

relationship with you, for you yet? You're  not sure if you should invest your entire " person" within

her, this what is most important isn't it?   " you and she: the couple" to become a family some day.

 

" I am very afraid that we will have children"  read it out loud, you wrote it, this is part of your own answer.

[AccuTron]

The part about "good" reasons for depression got my attention.  I don't doubt it may be true.  Yet, big rivers like the Nile and Mississippi and whichever Chinese one it was, they flooded often, with "good" reason, but that didn't help the people whose homes or farms washed away.

[Anarchogavin]

I have talked to her about it, we talk a lot, about a lot of things. She seems to think it wont be an issue, like if there were kids around she wouldnt let herself get into that state. My own personal experience with people/women says otherwise. The issue I am having is that I honestly dont think there is a single woman out there I could find to do a better job.

[Taiga]

Anarchogavin, this is not tone of snark. Are you choosing her by process of elimination?

 

You are comparing her to a past relationship? or you are generalizing comparative her to women within

where you live?

 

You have not written " I love her", I cannot say it for you.

Are you IN love with her? is she IN love with you?

 

Or its' an amicable deal that you both are settling due to reasons of  your shared list of it's fair

as long as, you do and I do,.. I am a bit confused. It's almost contractual.

[Anarchogavin]

I dont know. there are times when she shows such an ability to tackle difficult issues, talk about important things, and a willingness and enthusiasm for challenges. I love those things about her, I love talking to her, I love being with her. However I also get fairly put-off by her proclivity for intense anxiety, she can just get so upset/offended/depressed over fairly mundane things, and I really dont love that.

[Will Torbald]

I am having a difficult time telling if the woman I am with is fit to be a mother to my potential children.

 

The good:

She is intelligent, nurturing, a good listener (mostly?), is completely on board with peaceful parenting, she can make some income from home, good looking, already owns a house.

 

The bad:

She is does not have a lot of friends, and her family would not make an acceptable extended network for raising children. She is prone to intense bouts of anxiety and/or depression, there is always a 'good' reason, but it seems far too often and too intense to me. therapy doesnt seem to be helping her, her therapist seems very feminist and pushes her into a victim mentality, which just makes things worse.

 

I am very afraid that we will have children, and she will just "have bad days" when I am not around, and she will be left caring for my child(ren) while going into a frighteningly irrational and dissociated state.  

 

We are both in our late 20's, the time is here for this sort of thing and I dont know who to ask, I have never directly seen a marriage that I want to emulate.

 

If you were a kid, and could choose to have her as your mother, would you choose her? I mean positively choosing her. Not a process of elimination, not a "there's no one else" kind of deal. Look at her from the eyes of a child, and make a choice.

[Taiga]

A new show fall 2015 -CBS " Life in Pieces" the one couple: brand new baby

 

Dad - sent for diapers, no one is sleeping, this a clip of his adventure .. he on 2 hours of sleep.

The full rendition, is probably online somewhere. This yes is ' TV' and it's a parody ..

 

It's pretty realistic though,.. you wrote of your girlfriend, the actress who plays mother

a normal take charge person, add infant and all sorta falls were it ..falls. It's called Parenting.

 

The full sketch, if you can find it, watch it, it's the first part of the show, " Diaper Run"

then it goes on to the guy shown here, his siblings..yadda ..

 

https://youtu.be/cRQPL-zy32g

[brucethecollie]

I'd suggest telling her your fears exactly as you have told us, as someone mentioned above.  I had conquered my mild anxiety and depressive issues prior to getting married but a year later I gave birth to twins and wasn't sleeping and had complications arise with my health and the anxiety and depression really had to be dealt with again only this time under very stressful circumstances.  At the very least, it helps to be aware that having children can create some huge hormonal shifts that aggravate prior tendencies and that a plan that includes having savings for any necessary help and therapy and breastfeeding support are all very good ideas.  If anxiety and depression are flaring now, having children, in my opinion and experience, will only make the person more vulnerable.  I'd stress to anyone to find therapy that helps sooner rather than later.  There is hope to overcome these issues-that is the good news.  

 

Also, assuming you know what her anxiety and depression is like, when she is at her worst moments, ask yourself if you would put your life in her hands.  For some at their worst, they are still very much in control of their behavior and can get through their feelings while still taking care of an infant but for others, they lose too much control and rationality to be trusted with a child.  This is an important distinction, I think.

[AkihikoTakashi]

I don't mean to piggy-back off of this post, but I'm in a simliar situation as Gavin, and I believe you might be able to help. I have been dating my girlfriend for a year and a half, the first half was long distance before we moved in together.

we're mid 20's.
she's caucasian, straight(mostly), monogamous.
I am half asian, half caucasian, pan, polygamous/polyamorous(though I've already told her I don't mind single 1x1 relationships)

Things that I love about her:

1. She's nice and good with her 4 year old brother and my niece and nephew.
2. She has a good sense of humor.
3. She's beautiful, (but has put on a lot of weight since we started dating to the point I am worried about her health.
4. From everything I can tell she's been honest 90-95% of the time (she did lie about being willing to travel with me when we start dating, then when I asked if she would after moving in together she said she really doesn't want to, but might be willing to consider Germany. After a couple months I asked because I found a school that offered courses I need and be able to attend as a partner school to my current university and she said no she didn't want to leave her friends and family. though other than that she's seemed to tell the truth. I say seemed because everything seems like the truth until it's found to be a lie)
5. She is open to trying polygamous relationships, and we talked to a mutual friend about it but they ended up dating someone else before we had things settled out. (This is on I love because she's willing to accept my views on relationships without me forcing her to, she was actually the one who asked since they were close friends.)
6. she comes from a single parent house-hold like I do, so we understand some of the struggles we both face(though my parents separated, but lived together for the kids until I turned 16 while hers apparently had a nasty divorce when she was 10, and she has a mentally, maybe physically, abusive brother. and just recently she found out her step dad has been cheating on her mom for the past year, while her dad's wife left him because she was bored with the relationship. making me wonder if her family is good at all with picking relationships)
7. we share the same type of hobbies and music interests.
8. I can have friends and be able to have them over or spend the night at their house without her freaking out, which is something my ex wasn't okay with.(I don't know if I should include this one because it's more just being in a good/trusting relationship)

Things I don't really love about her:

1. I had to move to her state to be with her because she didn't want to leave her friends and family, who aren't really productive members of society, and more just "get by" which I've been trying to get her to see they aren't doing anything with their lives and are just holding her back.
2. she has anxiety attacks over nothing, but refuses to talk to a psychologist about it. (she says she's tried convincing her mom to make an appointment for her but she hasn't done anything herself)
3. I don't mean this in a mean way, but she isn't doesn't have an aptitude for academics, but her drawing and special effect/make-up skills are in my own opinion amazing. (this is on don't really love because she still won't go to school to get better at it, or try to get a job that lets her do this type of work)
4. she doesn't have a drive to go far in life
5. she doesn't want to travel and I love traveling, I've spent a year in Japan, a couple months in Germany, and some time in Canada.(was traveling while we were dating long distance)
6. she'd highly shy, and has a hard time speaking her mind, on more than one occasion she's had to tell me something just for me to address it to the group of friends for her.
7. she says she wants to lose weight because she became obese, but each time she starts to she hangs out with friends or her mom and goes out drinking or partying and drops the diet after between 2 weeks and 2 months. (the longest we were able to get into a healthy eating habit with working out was 2 months and a couple days before she said she promised her friends she'd hang out, then they went drinking, and she started not working out with me anymore and buying personal cakes and such)

I do want to say I think I love her, but I am also only in my 20's so I don't know if love is something as romantic as every one tries to claim. I see it more as a list of checks and "X"s with the higher check ratio meaning more love.

I want to wait until I am at least in Graduate school where I'll be able to get a some money for researching while going to school to have kids while she wants to have them "in the next year or two"

[laowai]

Just saw the post above and it made me realize why am I even giving out relationship advice online. Talk to your partners, if you are having doubts you know what to do.

 

Personally I would never get into a committed relationship with someone who is unable to realize when their mood is having a negative affect on others, especially their partner. I have found people like this are always selfish. A good partner realizes when they are being irrational and adjusts their behavior accordingly. 

 

I know for me the worst feeling is when a person who I thought knew me on a deeper level acts in an irrational way, and I find I am unable to communicate with them, leaving me realizing I am actually all alone.

 

Relationships based on sympathy only work for the other person.

 

I am late twenties and it was the only reason I posted as I felt I could kind of relate to your situation. If your in doubts give it a year or two, see who else you meet, your young no need to rush. 

 

Don't end up like the couple next door to me, where the wife talks to the husband in this harsh derogatory tone all the time and undermines him constantly. Then when they have company she acts completely different. The other day I heard the husband say 'please trust me' and I realized why I am still single. Nothing worse than a toxic relationship. They also have a boatload of kids who have been raised via the non-smacking method. They hang out with my friends kids when they are over and say awful things about their dad- which I daresay they get from their mother. I would hate to be trapped in a scenario like that- but I daresay many men are. Sad really.

 

Re: smacking a child, in an appropriate manner that does not cause physical or mental harm, I think has positive effects on a child, but that's just me. Last time I checked kids who aern't smacked don't 'love everyone', they end up only loving themselves.

 

I'm talking about the odd smack on the bottom with a wooden spoon, it's not even a smack more like a light touch. It instills within the child barriers and that there are negative consequences for actions. I am not talking about ongoing smacking or violent smacking. 

 

When I was a child I was only hit occasionally, and I soon realized being extremely naughty had an extreme consequence. I was only smacked in extreme situations. 

 

There is only so much you can achieve with positive re-enforcement. Even animals in the wild discipline their babies via mild physical 'smacking' eg dolphins- it's hardly the abhorrent end of the world scenario so many of you make it out to be. To be honest I am surprised Stefan, who seems so open to rational ideas, takes such an irrational line on this. 

 

All I can say is my friends ipad addicted spoiled little brats, who have been raised with a no smacking policy, are monsters who know no self discipline and are a far cry from what myself and my siblings were like as children. Truth is parents who don't smack end up hurting the kids in other ways, as I have observed with my friends and parents who I see at parks. Verbal abuse, such as yelling constantly and constantly criticizing the child and directing them what they should be doing are in my opinions more negatively damaging than a few light smacks. Don't worry as I said I have the patience of a saint and personally would never smack anyone elses children.

 

I have seen kids suffer massive stress from non-smacking parents who are always uptight, which I think is more damaging than smacking.The kids find they are unable to confide in their parents.  While parents who are smackers have a much more healthy dynamic with their kids by comparison as they are not always looking for negatives in their kids behavior- because the kids have moved beyond that constant testing phase due to it being dealt with by smacking.

 

But you smacking police have got your wish- it's illegal to smack a child now and I don't feel like going to prison because the PC brigade will get satisfaction from it. Anyway I don't have kids so what do I care- do what you want. You wonder why population is declining in the west, it is because single people like me look at the kids being churned out these days and we wouldn't go near that with a 10 foot pole. 

[neeeel]

 

Children are a MASSIVE commitment; I am looking after a friends children right now- they are non-stop and you need the patience of a saint to raise them via 'peaceful parenting'. Personally I think children need the odd smack, as I find children raised via 'peaceful parenting' are obnoxious and never behave because they know they will get away with anything. It's very hard to create boundaries with children when they know there are no tangible consequences. I was smacked as a child while I was small occasionally and people would always say how I was the most well behaved child they ever met, and I never grew up bitter and twisted and it had no negative affects on me.

 

 

 

 

If you want "well behaved" children, then yes, maybe smacking them is for you . If you want children who are bright, full of life, rational, and loving everyone, then not smacking them is the way to go.

[Will Torbald]

I don't mean to piggy-back off of this post, but I'm in a simliar situation as Gavin, and I believe you might be able to help. I have been dating my girlfriend for a year and a half, the first half was long distance before we moved in together.

 

we're mid 20's.

she's caucasian, straight(mostly), monogamous.

I am half asian, half caucasian, pan, polygamous/polyamorous(though I've already told her I don't mind single 1x1 relationships)

 

Things that I love about her:

1. She's nice and good with her 4 year old brother and my niece and nephew.
2. She has a good sense of humor.
3. She's beautiful, (but has put on a lot of weight since we started dating to the point I am worried about her health.
4. From everything I can tell she's been honest 90-95% of the time (she did lie about being willing to travel with me when we start dating, then when I asked if she would after moving in together she said she really doesn't want to, but might be willing to consider Germany. After a couple months I asked because I found a school that offered courses I need and be able to attend as a partner school to my current university and she said no she didn't want to leave her friends and family. though other than that she's seemed to tell the truth. I say seemed because everything seems like the truth until it's found to be a lie)
5. She is open to trying polygamous relationships, and we talked to a mutual friend about it but they ended up dating someone else before we had things settled out. (This is on I love because she's willing to accept my views on relationships without me forcing her to, she was actually the one who asked since they were close friends.)
6. she comes from a single parent house-hold like I do, so we understand some of the struggles we both face(though my parents separated, but lived together for the kids until I turned 16 while hers apparently had a nasty divorce when she was 10, and she has a mentally, maybe physically, abusive brother. and just recently she found out her step dad has been cheating on her mom for the past year, while her dad's wife left him because she was bored with the relationship. making me wonder if her family is good at all with picking relationships)
7. we share the same type of hobbies and music interests.
8. I can have friends and be able to have them over or spend the night at their house without her freaking out, which is something my ex wasn't okay with.(I don't know if I should include this one because it's more just being in a good/trusting relationship)

Things I don't really love about her:

1. I had to move to her state to be with her because she didn't want to leave her friends and family, who aren't really productive members of society, and more just "get by" which I've been trying to get her to see they aren't doing anything with their lives and are just holding her back.
2. she has anxiety attacks over nothing, but refuses to talk to a psychologist about it. (she says she's tried convincing her mom to make an appointment for her but she hasn't done anything herself)
3. I don't mean this in a mean way, but she isn't doesn't have an aptitude for academics, but her drawing and special effect/make-up skills are in my own opinion amazing. (this is on don't really love because she still won't go to school to get better at it, or try to get a job that lets her do this type of work)
4. she doesn't have a drive to go far in life
5. she doesn't want to travel and I love traveling, I've spent a year in Japan, a couple months in Germany, and some time in Canada.(was traveling while we were dating long distance)
6. she'd highly shy, and has a hard time speaking her mind, on more than one occasion she's had to tell me something just for me to address it to the group of friends for her.
7. she says she wants to lose weight because she became obese, but each time she starts to she hangs out with friends or her mom and goes out drinking or partying and drops the diet after between 2 weeks and 2 months. (the longest we were able to get into a healthy eating habit with working out was 2 months and a couple days before she said she promised her friends she'd hang out, then they went drinking, and she started not working out with me anymore and buying personal cakes and such)

I do want to say I think I love her, but I am also only in my 20's so I don't know if love is something as romantic as every one tries to claim. I see it more as a list of checks and "X"s with the higher check ratio meaning more love.

 

I want to wait until I am at least in Graduate school where I'll be able to get a some money for researching while going to school to have kids while she wants to have them "in the next year or two"

 

You're young and you don't have to commit yourself if you're not certain. Just from this list I can tell she is never going to change. She will always be sedentary, non travelling, shy, anxious, and all her negatives. It is not efficient to try to change people. Being nice and funny aren't particular positives exclusive to herself, you know what I mean? A PPE is something only that person can provide to you that would be rare to find from someone else, and you're not describing her that way.

[AccuTron]

Aki- "I do want to say I think I love her, but I am also only in my 20's so I don't know if love is something as romantic as every one tries to claim. I see it more as a list of checks and "X"s with the higher check ratio meaning more love."

 

When we're young, we don't know squat, unless we are unusually gifted in having wise supporting family to grow up with.  We DO have those chemicals in our brain which feel like love and commitment, which is what they're there for.  It's possible to meet someone who is genuinely great, but also to meet someone who isn't, and those chemicals kick in either way, with just enough trigger.  There's the phrase right there, "just enough trigger."  Is that what you are feeling, as opposed to entirely a good idea?  It's like a "just good enough" car or boat or house...it may be a real pain over time.