Recovering from abuse / depression, [Cluster B family/friends]

[dono14]

Hello.

 

I have suffered from social alienation most of my life, and have always been surprised by this as I am fairly smart (top 5% SAT/GRE/various others), tall, athletic, etc.  I see myself as generally ethical, and am fairly circumspect before acting generally.  I did move to an area with a college campus and many social justice warrior types, and had a very difficult time there, but wrote off my social troubles as being due to that. 

 

In short, I took a couple years off dating then started again about a year ago, and ran into a series of seemingly disturbed people in short order.  The first was a single mother who was very attractive, but it was an odd online arrangement.  The thing deteriorated when she mentioned believing in crystals, the color of people's auras, and chakras.  I also briefly saw a girl who was a daily pot smoker for the better part of a decade, who had been seeing a physically abusive boyfriend for 5 years who just left a week prior, and to whom she returned to after stating that she was done permanently with him.

 

One question- am I & Stefan being too rigorous about requiring people to be logical?  If I honestly had to do it over, I would have ignored these idiosyncrasies as I had previously been totally alone and now am again.  To make matters worse, I did not expect to get attached to either, but a week after the second one ended, I suddenly had an 'acute stress reaction,' couldn't sleep for 3 days, and had to get Xanax from a physician, then ended up trying to see her after the xanax reduced the inhibitions at work and had a flurry of punches thrown at me in front of one of the nicer establishments in town, right around the corner from where I lived, and basically had my reputation destroyed as during a couple occasions dating I had a bit of performance anxiety after having taken a year off dating and being a bit nervous.  The first girl I messed around with was a socialist and feminist and invited me back to her place after we met at a bar, then invited me into bed, then told her friends that I had been 'sexually aggressive' the next day and threw a tantrum, after being totally normal the next morning and asking for my phone number.

 

The problem worsened as I entered a suicidal depression after being in what I thought was turning into a normal relationship with an empathetic person.  People who knew both of us around town would make subtle asides regarding very private things I had shared, attempting to be vulnerable as Stefan suggested.  I could see them really getting off on it, and during the girl's explosion she mentioned that I had never meant anything and the whole thing was insincere- girl here is relative- late 20s aren't girl ages (I'm early 30s).

 

Anyway I found Richard Grannon's spartan life coach youtube channel, and it really, in my opinion, saved my life.  I had noticed some odd behaviors like the narcissist death stare, and a fit of rage after mildly suggesting that daily drug use was a bad idea (while trying to help someone to be more healthy), and suggesting that while she was very attractive with a bit of regular exercise she could probably be a model or something similar.

 

In any case, Grannon and Stefan had broached the topic of poor relationships being a result of patterning off primary caregivers.  Further, my father is largely deaf, and thus was somewhat emotionally distant.  My mother is very volatile, and alternates between explosive anger, sulking, criticism, and detachment.  The topic of my intelligence was always threatening to both of them, and Grannon pointed out that narcissists can view children as competition to their perfection, which I feel describes my case very well.  I was so depressed in middle and high school, until rebelling, that I had dark circles under and around my eyes constantly, would blink frequently, and sometimes would have eyes water uncontrollably.  This was totally ignored by them, and if I ever brought it up I would hear about my being lazy and getting Bs instead of As occasionally, how hard they worked, and how my misbehavior was threatening their marriage (I was a total nerd).

 

I sought out assistance from my extended family, people to talk to, and was essentially told that I was being weak, that my parents are great people, and that I'm a bad and weak person.  I had developed a drinking problem when originally in college and had a bit of legal trouble after getting in a fight with a group that assaulted me then turned victim when the cops arrived. 

 

To make matters worse, the resultant depression aided my making a series of poor financial choices, and losing 2 IT jobs in short succession over the course of the year, which has made my regaining entry into the field difficult.  I was advised by a therapist to move closer to family as I was living across the country in an area with no family or friends.  Upon returning home, I realized that the reason I had left was that there was nothing to stay for.  I am nothing more than a whipping boy for the family's frustrations, and always suspected but now have confirmed that they were looking for an excuse to discard me, which they now have from the financial troubles.

 

I suppose I'm writing to see if anyone has had similar problems.  While up there, I had always spoken my mind about FDR-type principles and found myself losing jobs, and friendships or relationships, etc very quickly in a very leftist, SJW-type climate with a state capital and state main campus in the same town, in the very reserved upper midwest, where truth is frowned upon if it causes any social stir. 
 

It seems that my attempt to be ethical has met with nothing but trouble.  I get the sense, generally, that the ethical are being bred out of the gene pool.  I'm fairly physically fit and surf, and always see the attractive women with very seemingly weak types, or ethnic minorities.  It's very strange as when I engage people in conversation, with the exception of strong-willed professional types like myself or foreigners, they seem to drift or bolt away, especially females.  I almost never see them with people that look like the type of person I am / would want to be- able to stand up straight.  I do live in a semi-rural area currently which is essentially a mixture of trust fund beneficiaries, retirees, and a somewhat criminalistic, hyper-aggressive underclass which struggles to serve them.

 

To attempt a question again, why is it that by trying to be decent, I seem to get a reputation as a bad person?  I was thoroughly maligned in the last place, utterly vilified.  It was so frustrating to work 50-60 hours a week in IT, and be totally hated for being a white male, or not being subservient to every woman or minority- just trying to preserve some basic dignity for myself.

 

Why is it that sociopathic, evil people are so able to manipulate their currency of lies and thoroughly convince others that they are the good, that the people they torture are bad, and do horrible things to people then walk away being praised with no ill consequence?

 

And how do people treat their children so vilely and have no regret for doing so.  I was basically suicidal and called them and they were too busy taking a vacation or something to visit.  Whenever they have health problems I drop everything I'm doing and fly wherever.

 

The cognitive dissonance is deafening, and I'm stuck here another week or month or so before being able to skip out elsewhere.  It's just so incredible to return to where I grew up, invited by family who I ran from, to find the place I grew up in desolate of friends, inhabited largely by strangers with no interest in talking, all the relative opulence of material but none in warmth or friendship, and this constant, petty infighting for women and/or position.  It seems so unattractive but pervasive, and I spent so much time thinking I could rise above it but no longer see people as being morally capable of doing so.

[Pod]

Warning, amateur philosophy guppy opinions incoming so take this with a grain of salt. 

 

You seem to be landing on a streak of narcissistic women.  If I were you, I'd stay on the dating break until I figured some stuff out.  

"Am I & Stefan being too rigorous about requiring people to be logical?"

Are you being too rigorous about requiring a car to run properly or for your food to not be poisoned?  Absolutely not.  Don't blame yourself for other people's nutzo-buttzo head space.

You also say you're alone, but those people are too.  You just know it.  But if you're gaining self-knowledge and amping up your philosophy brain, you're getting to know your true self, so that puts you one up over them because they don't even know themselves.

I think if you jump in with one of those chicks, you know you'll feel more alone than you do right now.  

There's so much other stuff in this post, I think you should book something for the Call-In Show.  
 

[dono14]

Thanks for the reply.  I think the post was too lengthy/whiny to solicit more comments.  Downside of being pent up.

[Pod]

Also check out podcast 16 and 17.  It's about dealing with those who aren't Libertarians.  Stef talks about where it is appropriate to bring up your beliefs.  Also remember that honesty is not a commandment because that's not what philosophy is.  If you gotta make bank but your opinions would cut off the flow, no shame in keeping food in your mouth. 

[S. Misanthrope]

OP, have you read Real-Time Relationships yet? I think it answers your core question of why virtue gets turned on its head in our personal interactions.