My First Child - Tell me everything!

[chrisdjmorgan]

My wife and I are having our first child (due July/August). We know a fair bit already (and are down with the peaceful parenting), but - TELL ME EVERYTHING!

There's no beginning to end how to manual out there, and so much misinformation. No matter how much we learn and discuss, it never feels like we know enough.

[Koroviev]

Congrats! My Wife and I just had our first. Not sure what classes you took but I definitely recommend at least reading the Bradley method books. It's probably a little late for the 12 week class but the books are still definitely worth the read. 

The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding is a must for both of you. It's really amazing being able to be the one to help my wife when she gets discouraged because things aren't working right.

Lawrence Cohen has some great books on his method called Playful Parenting I've read The Opposite of Worry (which made me realize a lot about myself) and Playful Parenting, and recommend both highly, even though he is a self-proclaimed feminist

Just Babies by Paul Bloom and The Philosophical Baby by Alison Gopnik are both great reads looking at the child development and child psychology point of view.

How to Talk so Kids will Listen & Listen so Kids will Talk as well as Parent Effectiveness Training are both great practical workbook type books for parenting. More geared toward toddlers and up but great information either way that goes right along with Peaceful Parenting.

 

I don't know if you journal much or at all, but one thing that has helped me get into it is writing letters to baby. I don't do it every day but every couple days at least. 

From a practical standpoint we had a water birth and it was absolutely amazing. It helped my wife to relax so much and let her body do what it was meant to do. We're co-sleeping and it is really nice (especially with breastfeeding) everyone sleeps better and there's no getting up out of bed to calm baby down, make bottles, etc. Also, get a cloth wrap if you don't have one already. It simulates a swaddle, which is really calming to most babies and keeps them right next to your body while keeping both of your hands free and your movement from being able to walk around and do things usually will rock them to sleep.

 

Congrats again I'm super excited for you. It has been an absolutely fantastic experience for my wife and I! We did a lot of work ahead of time, through research and making healthy choices, and it has definitely paid off already.

[dsayers]

First of all, I appreciate your sensitivity in this matter. Those who raise a child peacefully are literally saving the world!

 

Unfortunately, the correct steps to take would actually pre-date your relationship with your partner. Pursuing self-knowledge brings all kinds of insights into yourself and the harm that trauma causes. This will help you to select a suitable mate. And will help you both love and empathize with your child.

 

Most of what you'd need to know is going to be counter-narrative type stuff. Stuff like it's not okay to sexually assault your child if they call it circumcision. Though I would hope that anybody with self-knowledge would literally be incapable of mutilating their baby for any reason anyways. I think the most challenging part would be modeling habits and behaviors and negotiating with your child. If you have self-knowledge and empathy, these things should mostly be easy in theory. The complexity of implementation again comes back to countering the narrative. Societal narratives as well as the narratives you and your partner were likely raised under. Does that make sense?

[LovePrevails]

The progressive parent youtube channel has lots of interviews with parenting experts on the peaceful parenting wave length

it includes an interview with Stef

[Molly]

I came to peaceful parenting when I was pregnant, just in time.  Glad to have more parents on board!  Beyond some of the research above, I have some practical suggestions to help you achieve success.

 

-- Support network!  Find your tribe, join mommy & me groups at a local hospital or find a play group kids close in age.  Figure out how much help you want from family and friends.  Setup expectations and boundaries ahead of time.

 

-- Get a good therapist!  Schedule appointments ahead of time if possible, months or weeks will fly by before you realize it.  I was deep in post-partum depression before I started therapy - I wouldn't recommend waiting that long.

 

-- Self Care: Take care of your own needs!  I thought I had to be a martyr in the beginning.  In the newborn months when my son would nap, I would organize a closet or obsessively wash dishes, or read up on parenting blogs when I should have been napping and focusing on recovery... later I still sacrificed sleep even when my son was sleeping through the night.  That's just one example of how I burned myself out, it took a heavy toll on me and it affected my parenting.  Now I have to be careful that I get a full nights rest, eat right, don't make too many outside obligations in order to maintain the energy it takes to peacefully parent a toddler!  Take turns at night if you can, let your spouse get out of the house on regular basis... take a shower every day so you feel human, etc.  Just like they say on an airplane, put on your air mask first... otherwise you won't be able to help others.

[chrisdjmorgan]

Thanks so much everyone, it's nice to see people with a genuine interest in the-best-possible-parenting, rather than simply saying "dont feed kids sugar cause its bad m'kay"

I'm going to reply to everyone in the one post as I'm writing in my lunch break and don't have much time.

 

 

I don't know if you journal much or at all, but one thing that has helped me get into it is writing letters to baby. I don't do it every day but every couple days at least. 

From a practical standpoint we had a water birth and it was absolutely amazing. It helped my wife to relax so much and let her body do what it was meant to do. We're co-sleeping and it is really nice (especially with breastfeeding) everyone sleeps better and there's no getting up out of bed to calm baby down, make bottles, etc. Also, get a cloth wrap if you don't have one already. It simulates a swaddle, which is really calming to most babies and keeps them right next to your body while keeping both of your hands free and your movement from being able to walk around and do things usually will rock them to sleep.

I hadn't thought of that, wonderful idea, even if just to force yourself to stop and think for a few minutes. Writing is such a good way to re-evaluate your thoughts. Mum often told me to write a letter to my 30 year old self, and then think about what 30 year old me would say back. I don't remember actually writing a letter, but it was a very useful thought exercise.

Co-sleeping sounds like the way to go for the early stages, but what happens when it's time for baby to move out into their own space? Developing the habit of going to sleep with Mum and Dad is what causes babies to refuse sleeping on their own later, which would be far worse torture for them than the sleeplessness would cause us. How could this be avoided while co-sleeping? It seems developing the habit of simply going to sleep in their own space from the beginning is kinder, but they also miss out on the benefits of co-sleeping. This is probably the biggest thing I'm struggling with working out.

I'm definitely a fan of swaddling baby as much as possible for as long as possible. Besides the benefits of closeness, I think having baby being right there with you as you go about the world will teach them a lot about going about the world themselves, though once they start trying to interact more you would need to recognise as soon as they want to try something and put them down straight away. If they're always stuck to you they'll never be able to try anything for themselves. 
 

 

Unfortunately, the correct steps to take would actually pre-date your relationship with your partner. Pursuing self-knowledge brings all kinds of insights into yourself and the harm that trauma causes. This will help you to select a suitable mate. And will help you both love and empathize with your child.

 

Most of what you'd need to know is going to be counter-narrative type stuff. Stuff like it's not okay to sexually assault your child if they call it circumcision. Though I would hope that anybody with self-knowledge would literally be incapable of mutilating their baby for any reason anyways. I think the most challenging part would be modeling habits and behaviors and negotiating with your child. If you have self-knowledge and empathy, these things should mostly be easy in theory. The complexity of implementation again comes back to countering the narrative. Societal narratives as well as the narratives you and your partner were likely raised under. Does that make sense?

I very much agree, thanks
I'm so sick of the "circumcision debate" and the "nice" people not being aggressive enough to say anything but "I don't think it's a very good choice for your child". It's f***ing mutilation!
 

 

The progressive parent youtube channel has lots of interviews with parenting experts on the peaceful parenting wave length

it includes an interview with Stef

Thanks I think I've added that to my watch list but haven't actually got around to it yet
 

 

I came to peaceful parenting when I was pregnant, just in time.  Glad to have more parents on board!  Beyond some of the research above, I have some practical suggestions to help you achieve success.

 

-- Support network!  Find your tribe, join mommy & me groups at a local hospital or find a play group kids close in age.  Figure out how much help you want from family and friends.  Setup expectations and boundaries ahead of time.

 

-- Get a good therapist!  Schedule appointments ahead of time if possible, months or weeks will fly by before you realize it.  I was deep in post-partum depression before I started therapy - I wouldn't recommend waiting that long.

 

-- Self Care: Take care of your own needs!  I thought I had to be a martyr in the beginning.  In the newborn months when my son would nap, I would organize a closet or obsessively wash dishes, or read up on parenting blogs when I should have been napping and focusing on recovery... later I still sacrificed sleep even when my son was sleeping through the night.  That's just one example of how I burned myself out, it took a heavy toll on me and it affected my parenting.  Now I have to be careful that I get a full nights rest, eat right, don't make too many outside obligations in order to maintain the energy it takes to peacefully parent a toddler!  Take turns at night if you can, let your spouse get out of the house on regular basis... take a shower every day so you feel human, etc.  Just like they say on an airplane, put on your air mask first... otherwise you won't be able to help others.

I've noticed I have quite a strong anti-parent bias. I've steered clear of parent groups so far, they all seem like terrible circle-jerks of terrible parenting. But because I've avoided the ones I didn't like the look of, I haven't networked enough to find the ones I do suit. Maybe I should go have a closer look. We don't have any other families with children in our peer circles. I'm really keen to change that.

I'm one of those terrible people that know how good therapy can be, but then immediately think "but it's probably not worth my time and money right now". But you're right, "later" is too late. I'll look into it....TODAY!

I think self-care is something my wife will struggle with. She always tends to work herself to the bone for other people, and then has no energy for herself, which in the long run she can't help other people as much anyway. We'll have to put a solid plan in place to make sure we each get what we need, or we can't be the best parents we can be.
 

 

Ditto all of this. I have a copy of the Womanly Art of Breastfeeding that needs a good home, if you want it. On that subject, La Leche League groups are a great place to find support for your family. Attending pre-baby can be a great jump-ahead to feel prepared and supported. All the best to you!

Thanks for that. Where about's are you? PM me. So long as you don't live on Jupiter I can pay for postage

[Koroviev]

I hadn't thought of that, wonderful idea, even if just to force yourself to stop and think for a few minutes. Writing is such a good way to re-evaluate your thoughts. Mum often told me to write a letter to my 30 year old self, and then think about what 30 year old me would say back. I don't remember actually writing a letter, but it was a very useful thought exercise.

 

Thanks although I can't take too much credit I got it from a book my mom got for me (other than that though the books wasn't great)

 

 

Co-sleeping sounds like the way to go for the early stages, but what happens when it's time for baby to move out into their own space? Developing the habit of going to sleep with Mum and Dad is what causes babies to refuse sleeping on their own later, which would be far worse torture for them than the sleeplessness would cause us. How could this be avoided while co-sleeping? It seems developing the habit of simply going to sleep in their own space from the beginning is kinder, but they also miss out on the benefits of co-sleeping. This is probably the biggest thing I'm struggling with working out.

 

This is a common misconception of co-sleeping (and breastfeeding as a matter of fact!) a lot of the research actually shows quite the opposite. Children who co-sleep have less attachment issues, independence issues, and in countries where co-sleeping is generally accepted colic is almost non existent. Usually there comes a point where the child does not want to sleep with mom and dad any longer and they stop on their own, but some parents find it necessary to wean their children (just like with breastfeeding) getting them to sleep on their own when they can, but either way the child knows they always have a safe place to come back to. 

http://kellymom.com/parenting/nighttime/cosleeping/ 

http://www.askdrsears.com/topics/health-concerns/sleep-problems/co-sleeping-yes-no-sometimes 

http://www.cosleeping.org/

 

I'm definitely a fan of swaddling baby as much as possible for as long as possible. Besides the benefits of closeness, I think having baby being right there with you as you go about the world will teach them a lot about going about the world themselves, though once they start trying to interact more you would need to recognise as soon as they want to try something and put them down straight away. If they're always stuck to you they'll never be able to try anything for themselves. 

 

Keep in mind there is a difference between swaddling and wrapping. The wrap is what I think you are referring to and it is meant to replace, or supplement, a stroller or baby carrier so you can go on walks and/or actually get things done while still keeping your baby close. Although it simulates a swaddle by keeping the baby tight against your body it is not a swaddle. A swaddle is simply where you wrap the baby tightly in a blanket. The book "Happiest Baby on the Block" has really re-popularized the swaddle recently. I read it and thought there were some interesting concepts and hypotheses about colic in it but overall it seemed to me like he was just trying to get you to buy the smartsleeper, or whatever it was called. Although I'm sure that a good swaddle helps a lot of babies calm down it has not helped our son at all as he usually gets more upset when his arms are restrained and walking, rocking, or breastfeeding calm him down much faster and easier. If you do plan to swaddle I definitely recommend practicing before your baby comes because trying to learn to do it on a crying infant is impossible.

[Troubador]

In view of your wife pushing herself too far, make sure you do as much babycare as you can (breastfeeding notwithstanding!). This serves a biological function as when nurturing infants even men produce elevated levels of the hormone pectolactin (this hormone had a role in producing breast milk in women). This will cause a slight dip in testosterone but after six months everything is back to business as usual. This hormone is a boon as it creates a positive feedback loop that encourages nurturing instincts and establishes a bond with your baby, in short the more you do it the more you'll want to do it. After the six months you'll have an established and healthy psychological bond that will put you way ahead of the game!

 

Oh and congratulations!!

[zoomharp]

I like the book recommendations. And I will add Barbara Colorosa's Kids Are Worth It. It's a very practical guide to the daily challenges of parenting - peacefully!  My 19 y.o. was raised on that book and she is awesome!!  

 

Dr. Sears' The Baby Book helped us a lot too. I am a big believer in "attachment parenting" for strong, confident, smart kids. 

 

Congratulations and thank you for reproducing! lol We need more people like you. 

[tasmlab]

Congrats!  Parenting is great fun.

 

My advice is start planning soon how you are going to live on a single income so one parent can care for the child so he/she won't have to endure daycare, preschool, and school.