Hello FDR

[David Miller]

Hi there I've been listening to Steph for a couple years now and I like what FDR is doing. It's engaging in a way that I have rarely found. By rarely I mean never.  I should clarify I have no evidence for me even belonging here I am pretty sure I'm half retarded. I've spent a good deal of time alone, even when in the company of others.  Had a not that great entry blah blah, blah, got my shit halfways sorted out and found work around 21, got a trade but a good one not like an iron worker or carpenter.  It's been the only constant in my life since then. My safe space lol. I know the rules I know what's expected and I was good at it. I suppose I have self medicated all my life rather than pay for therapy.  Found liquor for real around 23 but only for a couple years, found cocaine at 27, found philosophy like right at 30. Good timing! Cleaned up my life. Quit everything except the job and the woman and the cigarettes. Right before 31 I had some small misfortune. A year or so ago I was hurt on the job and the resulting injury has ended that career.  Totally unprepared for that one let me tell ya. As it happens that injury happed a few weeks prior to the birth of my first kid. Slightly more prepared for the baby or at least I thought. Fought through the pain and physiotherapy and the pills but in the end I no longer have the physical capabilities I once had. Kinda a big deal, what now? Holy shit wtaf now? My employer was unable to accommodate me in another position and frankly I was not in any shape to be at work and had not been since the accident. So now I'm freaking out daily right. Barely holding it together still going to work but eventually I ask my Dr for stronger meds and he puts me off work. Not for long says I. I live in Canada so there are government mandated systems in place to take care of this I'm not quite homeless yet. However. I am against these mandated policies because of the moral hazard of abuse by illegitimate claims but I know they have access to world class treatment. I'd been hurt pretty bad previously and successfully returned to work. I like our system for that, I'm sure it could be done more cost effectively if it was free market and if there were a bevy of options and I was not paying so much in income tax well again blah blah blah "no stehp on snek" (taxation is theft).  So what get over it you got a kid to feed. Still this sense of existential dread coursed over my skull, spine, ribs and groin like some conflagration of self loathing. I started feeling lighter I don't know if that makes sense... But stiff upper lip chaps I got this! Have obligations you know. I absolutely must overcome this gonna get back not sure how or what but fuck it I'm gonna win. Because I have to. To prove I could still beat myself I quit smoking. Big deal. Had my first cigarette at 12. Fairly committed previously to dying of lung cancer or heart disease but in reality likely a stroke as there is a predisposition in my family. But wait there's more! Now would be a fantastic time to have a second child wouldn't it? So that happened and expecting in December.  Things are tense at home to say the least. In the midst of all this personal turmoil and uncertainty we experienced a fire. Not going to explain, no insurance not my fault. Yes it was that one.  Started smoking again and drank a bit more than I should have for a month or so but I have a shiny new laptop and actually logged in to the site. Got a new roof to sleep under and some shit to sit on. That's about it. Started therapy a couple weeks ago. First time since I was a teen. So now I have this thing or situation and I'm looking around and I don't see me winning anymore.  Which really sucks it's not a position I am used to. Anywho.... Long ass post eh?  I've been skimming through some of the threads and trying to read books or engage in something, anything but honestly after a minute I lose interest. Nothing seems real. Not books I buy not any of it.  I don't know what I'll find here. Hopefully some kind of helpful conversation. Sorry to be all broody and Debbie downer. I know there are bigger issues like who is going to win the Hillary assassinates Trump before the election death pool.

[aviet]

Hi there

 

Keep plodding on. A while back I didn't see many possibilities that could happen in the future, but I am glad I stuck around. With you attitude for self improvement, options will likely appear.