Elder abuse- S.O.S

[Ninja]

I suspect that my mother has intentions that are beyond imagination for my grandmother who is dying of cancer.

 

She abused me severely as a child and was abused by her mother in a more severe way.

 

The difference between my mother and I is that she has a desire to perpetuate that abuse.

 

My grandmother has expressed to me on multiple occasions that my mother has frightened her/coerced her into doing irrational things during a period of time 7 years ago when they lived together.

 

My mother has described the abuse she received as a child from my grandmother as being extremely harsh.

 

My mother has been trying to isolate my grandmother by speaking about her as though she is more sick than she is, lying to her about trying to find her other two sisters, privately begging me not to look for them, telling me to stay away from her, and finally last night she threatened to put a restraining order against me if I attempt to contact either of them.

 

I'm worried for the safety of my grandmother.

 

It's interesting because my grandmother certainly didn't protect me from my mother as a child, but I am genuinely frightened by the potential harm that my mother could inflict of my grandma. I suppose I am sympathizing with the terror I recall from my childhood.

 

There is also a financial factor driving her.

 

My mother abandoned me at 10years old when I made the decision not to help her hide her abuse of me.

 

I was distant because every time I attempted to communicate she would further the abuse.

 

My grandfather, who was my favourite person as a child, shot himself in the face with a shot gun when I was 6 two weeks before Christmas and left no note.

 

He left some 200,000$ to my grandma and that sum has increased as a result of smart investments on the part of my grandma

 

That is allot of money to my mother who has no goals outside of her own indulgence and is someone who claims iq 132 and has spent her life drinking alcohol secretly all day and night while working as a baker at a grocery store complete with endless burn scars all over her arms from 'working so hard'

 

My grandma told me a while ago that she left everything to my mom

 

I wasn't surprised

 

Neither of them invested anything in me after I escaped at 10 with the help of children's aid (CAS) and moved in with my father.

 

I also wasn't disappointed to hear that my grandmother decided that my mother would make better use of the funds than I

 

They have done so little for me and have neglected/abused me so much that I don't really desire a contribution from them to my well being

 

In a way I feel like if they were going to fund my education/integration into society etc they should have done it a while ago (I'm 27 now)

 

Anyway

 

My mother has spoken to me on multiple occasions saying things like

 

'Your not getting any of the money, grandma left it to me' and begging me not to look for her two sisters because she 'doesn't want to upset' my grandma despite my grandmothers request to be reunited with them.

 

All of her statements seem to be absent of consideration for the fact that our close relative is about to leave earth as we know it,

 

I can't figure out what her intention is.

 

She is already getting all of the money (at age 54)

 

So unfortunately the only reason I can see for her to try to isolate my grandma is that she intends to inflict some weird sociopathic revenge on her.

 

I feel that way because unfortunately my mother has the potential for that kind of deranged mania.

 

I am concerned because I can't imagine a more terrifying hell than being trapped in my mothers clutches and having the government prevent anyone who cares about me to help me escape.

 

I searched online and found nothing helping in terms on steps to take,

 

Just stuff about elder abuse but nothing as extreme as what my mom is capable of.

 

I don't have anyone to advise me, kind of friendless after the election and my dad refuses to hear anything at all about my mom or if her does on occasion listen he ends up telling me he wants nothing to do with it/her.

 

 

I've got so much going on in my life and I moved to the opposite end of the country

 

What do you think I should do?

 

My first thought was to call my grandma and tell her that my mom told me if I try to contact her that she will put a restraining order against me but that might not go over well

 

I assume my grandmother will suggest we keep our relationship a secret

 

In fact for years my grandmother kept our relationship a secret from my mother because she was 'afraid' that my mom would be upset with her for speaking with me.

 

My second thought was that I need advice because the situation is dangerous and volatile.

[AccuTron]

I am in no way a professional on any of this.  Just a few thoughts.

 

Moving really far away seems a good move.  If nothing else, it gives you more sense of mental space, and safety.  I happen to be listening to this as I read your post:  Lee Marvin I was born under a Wandering Star remastered - YouTube.  I play it often, it's soothing.  If you listen to the words, there may be some value of the sort "I'm not alone, it's not just me."

 

Big Red Flag:  Who said your grandfather shot himself?  Does this "fact" stem solely from your mother?

 

Restraining orders per se sound like manipulative threat.  Don't they have to show cause?  What would your mother's reason be, and do you get to send thru proper court channels...given that you are far away and need to stay there...your reply to the court involved telling of your concern for your grandmother's safety?  How would your mother or the court react to that?  

 

I'm not saying to trigger it somehow, you mother is a serious threat, but maybe you should research such orders to clear your mind even a little bit.  Talk to someone in your new local court system.  You have lots of external threat which you probably cannot much change; you also have lots of internal confusion and stress, and that you can change, at least some.  

 

You could use such contacts, keeping in mind some might be wishy washy and you need to keep looking.  Even if they don't go anywhere by way of process, the decent human contact is valuable, and may be needed later for further developments.

 

 

Your desire to protect your grandmother is admirable; I like that sort of thing in myself.  I have found, as have many others, that not all problems are solvable, not everyone can be rescued.  We are forced to make unpleasant choices.  The threat to your grandmother is real, but the second threat is to yourself, and that very much includes your mental state.

 

We are very different ages, seen a different range of movies.  There are many stories, fiction and non-fiction, where someone can't be saved.  The plane is in flames and going down, the flooded river is ripping away trees, enemy bullets are beginning to nip at clothing.  No choice.  

 

Maybe you have more choice, maybe you don't.  Maybe it would be good to safely watch how others handle such problems in movies.  Assign yourself your Personal Film History Class, and watch movies from WW2 era (not to mention lots of sci-fi), plenty of difficult choices will be seen.  You will also learn film history, actors and the mind sets of the time.  You look up the occasional word or place, always increasing your general education for free.  You see how others handle things, how the culture of the time viewed things.  And you are somewhat distracted, pulled into other worlds for awhile.  Therapy by YouTube.

 

 

The family money will do what it will do.  You have little or no control over that, and it will entangle you.  Which reminds me of a James Michener novel, Centennial.  The primary protagonist started his American covered wagon journey from the Eastern US, with a fine beloved wife, a fine wagon, fine horses, fine rifle.  On the way West, he lost them all.  

 

His wife of course could never come back, but his wealth was replaced many times over.  It's been decades since I read it, but I think it was basically because the hero noticed among other things, that gold miners could use clothing with a reinforced crotch.  You know he wasn't thinking that when working his way across the US Plains.  You don't know what lies ahead for you.  (HInt: keep your eyes open for anything that could use a reinforcing copper rivet.)

 

This segues into the concept of letting it all be in God's hands.  Even if you don't have religious beliefs.  (Not to say take hands off the steering wheel and just see what it does; "The Lord helps those who study emergency maneuvers beforehand.")  

 

Again, this is about your mental state.  If we choose an action, our brain circuits...talking about circuits here...will respond like good doggies.  Pick up that coffee cup, put on those shoes.  We take that for granted, if we haven't been injured.  

 

Our inner doggie brain will do other tasks.  Even without religious beliefs, (handy if you already have them yet not required), say to yourself, simply and without effort, like reaching for a coffee cup, "This is in God's hands."  Your inner doggie follows the instruction, "Yup, Yup, I'm a happy go lucky doggie, just gonna do this now, yup, yup."  Like it was just fetching another tennis ball.  

 

To your inner processor, shifting metaphors, it's simply another instruction, like a Print or Save command.  If you believe it will work, it will.  (Long story how I discovered this personally.)  Not with struggle, not a philosophical engagement, do that some other time, just simply say it to yourself like it's the most boring thought you could have.  

 

See if your immediate stress level drops, see if your thinking clears.  Somewhat.  Like driving 70mph in a heavy rain on a lumpy road at night.  That is high stress.  A simple mental command, "Ease foot off throttle," drops the speed in a few seconds to 50mph.  Whew!  It's still a crummy road and heavy rain, but it feels much better.

[inquirius]

I don't think this situation is salvageable, and I see no reason why you should go out of your way to try, given your own abuse.  If your grandmother actually cared about future grandchildren, she would not have abused your mother, who then abused you.  The situation sounds like a hell of your grandmother's own making, and unfortunately, I think your well-meaning empathy is misplaced.  As someone who has dealt extensively with abusive female relatives, I also don't think you should believe anything they say; between your mother and your grandmother, you will never get a straight story.

 

You're obviously free to do whatever you want, but if there's no financial benefit in getting further involved, is this situation worth your time investment?  Consider that you are actually "saving" your grandmother from the consequences of her own actions.    

[Ninja]

Im not sure that abuse from my mother should be the consequence of her actions.

 

The part about the finances was meant to convey that there is no clear incentive for my mother to try to isolate my grandmother, it doesn't have to do with money or a lack of control over the situation.

 

I'm not worried about her taking me to court because our emails do speak for themselves but more the intention behind the action.

 

It's less about 'saving' her than it is not wanting to innocently bystand or ignore it.

 

My grandmothers trauma came from her stepmother who married my great grandfather without being informed that he had children, I'm not sure why she didn't want children but judging from her behaviour toward my grandmother I assume it was some weird French Canadian catholic style of masochism

 

I don't think that engaging or permitting that behaviour will solve anything and it violates the non agression principle.

 

At what point does self defence become the iniation of coercion?

 

If I punch you and you hit me back 10 years later does it have the same moral implication as it would if you retaliated immediately?

[neeeel]

 

 

 

I don't think that engaging or permitting that behaviour will solve anything and it violates the non agression principle.

 

 

 

no it doesnt

[inquirius]

The foundation of relationships should be reciprocity.  If you think your grandmother has carried out action that has made your life better, then feel free to enmesh yourself in the conflict.  If you think your grandmother hasn't been a good grandmother, yet you still want to help her, then the reasons you want to help are irrational and no one here is going to convince you otherwise.

[thecurrentyear]

Don't pretend that helping your grandmother makes you a good person. It doesn't. Saving and protecting yourself is a much better place to start on that journey, if that is the path you desire.

[Ninja]

If you think your grandmother hasn't been a good grandmother, yet you still want to help her, then the reasons you want to help are irrational and no one here is going to convince you otherwise.

I appreciate that about this community. Thank you