Ronin_3000 Posted March 7, 2018 Posted March 7, 2018 I've been violent all my life, but I recently committed two criminal acts of property destruction and assault that have made me want to examine how I was raised. Anyhow, tonight I questioned my mom on mistakes she believes her parents made when parenting her. The first thing she said was that her dad once molested her when she was 12 by tongue-kissing her after he came home from work. I am the only one in our immediate family she has told. Also, my dad told me that his parents spanked him, but my mom didn't know this until I told her. Anyhow, this reminded me of how my sister got molested by her boss a few years ago. She was around 19, and her boss tried to kiss her while they were alone. My mom doesn't want me telling anyone about my mom's molestation because she is embarrassed by it. I at least want to tell my sister though, so I asked my mom through email how she felt about me sending the following email to my sister: "I recently learned that molestation may be a systemic issue in our family. You are not the only one who has been molested. I recommend talking to (mom's name) if you want to learn more." Another parallel between my mom's parents and mine are that my grandparents got divorced when she was a teenager, and my parents considered getting a divorce when I was a teenager. I remember my mom asking my opinion on whether she and my dad should get divorced or not. Another parallel is that my grandmother would throw things when she was angry, and I've done this kind of thing as well.
Ronin_3000 Posted March 7, 2018 Author Posted March 7, 2018 When I said that she let my sister be in a position where she could be molested, she started playing the sarcastic victim. Normally she is very cheerful, and I view this as a kind of fake personality of hers, but she assures me it's real. She started saying things like, "Yes, it's all my fault, and maybe I shouldn't have had kids since they could be molested. Maybe I should have kids since they could be hit by a nuclear bomb." She says that molestation is widespread, and one's children being molested is not evidence of bad parenting. She references the #Metoo movement as evidence for the widespreadness of molestation. She implies that my criminal behavior is not evidence of her bad parenting. She says that most boys act violently as children, but when they become adults, they must exercise impulse control. Perhaps she would admit that she modeled bad impulse control for me growing up.
ShutterLake Posted June 25, 2018 Posted June 25, 2018 Mother: "Son please don't tell anyone I was molested" Son: *Tells entire internet his mom was molested* Not saying this is a laughing matter, it was low hanging fruit, and making jokes has always been my way to lighten the conversation when talking about really heavy shit (I know Stef hates it so I have tried stopping for the most part, like I said, low hanging fruit). My mother was also molested as a child, and she never talked to me about it or admitted it until after I told her about how I was sexually abused starting in the 1st grade. My sister was also sexually abused in middle school (she has yet to confront my parents about this). When I was dealing with all of this in therapy, I really draw a lot of parallels between my behavior, and the behavior of those around me, including the people who sexually abused me. One of the guys who did it was very violent and would go into crazy rages when things didn't go his way. This rubbed off on me in the way that I wouldn't be violent towards other people, but I would be violent towards my self once I was alone(Hit my self in the head, other weird stupid shit) and I would be in a rage, I just always made sure I was alone. Your mom, like mine, is avoiding all responsibility as a parent. My mom was molested for 10 years in her home, and she doesn't think her parents are responsible in any way... totally fucking mind-blowing. I was sexually abused around 1st grade and it went on for a year and a half, and she and my dad think they have no responsibility (wish I could say I was shocked, but I am not as their genes were trying to reproduce the same way they were created) and in fact, they have said it was actually my fault because I didn't tell them until I was an adult. Nevermind the fact they obviously created an environment where I was too scared to tell them for fear of what they might do. Anyways, I guess what I am trying to say is, it's really hard to get adults to take responsibility for their actions, especially if they were really bad, and they have been able to pretend nothing happened for a really long time. Chances are you are fighting a battle that you will not win. All you can do is say your piece, establish your boundaries/rules of engagement going forward in the relationship and go from there.
barn Posted June 25, 2018 Posted June 25, 2018 And I thought that I had problems... I still think I do, which I'm pro-active about @ShutterLake it just helped me to contextualise them better when reading and extending my 'sight of perspectives' a bit better, thanks to you deciding to write them down for others to see (and me). Thank you for sharing! I hope you are/have been/planning to process them so the Tsunami stops at you. Pain unconnected can get out of hand in nasty ways. Full sympathy! Thanks again for sharing! Thanks to you, I got reminded... " Swallowing the abuse without abusing others. "
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