ShutterLake Posted June 25, 2018 Posted June 25, 2018 So my wife and I have a 1-year-old, and we practice peaceful parenting. And one of the biggest things that stuck with us from all these different things we have heard is the idea that you should never sacrifice the integrity, security, comfort, etc. of a child for the comfort of adults. And my god does this pisses our families off! They always say we are so rigid that we won't keep him up later because THEY want to go to dinner at an unreasonable time. We always say, change the time to better fit our son's schedule and we will be there, but we are not going to make him cranky by keeping him up 2 hours past his bedtime so you can have the luxury of seeing him. If you want to see him, fit into HIS schedule, we will not make him fit into YOUR schedule. Or they say that we are unreasonable that we don't want to drive 45 minutes in traffic to see his aunt for an hour just to turn around and drive all the way home, especially when he hates being in the car for long periods of time. Or they will say we are lame because we don't want to load him up and go sit as some bar so they can drink all day and be around him (not sure why they even think this makes sense, but nevertheless, this is how they react). The list of weird shit they get pissed about goes on and on... So why do you guys think adults get so pissed off when you start putting the integrity, comfort, and security of your child before their own comfort?
barn Posted June 25, 2018 Posted June 25, 2018 Hi @ShutterLake Welcome to the board and posting! 14 minutes ago, ShutterLake said: They always say we are so rigid that we won't keep him up later because THEY want to go to dinner at an unreasonable time. We always say, change the time to better fit our son's schedule and we will be there, but we are not going to make him cranky by keeping him up 2 hours past his bedtime so you can have the luxury of seeing him. If you want to see him, fit into HIS schedule, we will not make him fit into YOUR schedule. SuperDAD & SuperMOM. Massive kudos on thinking. When we ask 'who does X benefit', we find correlations and answers, sometimes inconvenient but nevertheless useful. Have you thought about that people rarely change?
ShutterLake Posted June 25, 2018 Author Posted June 25, 2018 16 minutes ago, barn said: Hi @ShutterLake Welcome to the board and posting! SuperDAD & SuperMOM. Massive kudos on thinking. When we ask 'who does X benefit', we find correlations and answers, sometimes inconvenient but nevertheless useful. Have you thought about that people rarely change? Thanks for the warm welcome and thanks for the cudos! My wife and I can't find anyone around is physically who thinks like us, so it's nice to be able to at least connect with others through here. Glad to be here! Stef's work has literally changed my life. It was like the ultimate light bulb moment where I was able to stitch together all of my experiences to really understand myself, but more importantly, the world around me. Yes, I have and I hate to say, but I agree with you that people rarely change. If you look at my reply in this post I touch on it a bit. Unfortunately, life was rough to me in the beginning and I have learned that the only person who can change is me, and the only one likely to change is also me.
S1988 Posted June 25, 2018 Posted June 25, 2018 Yeah, I'm surprised you still keep in contact with your family considering how they treated you. (I read your story in another thread.) If you want to do that, I guess that's your choice; I can't be around my family, and they're somewhat tame compared to yours, but they're toxic enough. I don't have children since I want to dedicate my life to "parenting" myself. The good thing about that is at least I don't have kids for them to prey on. It's bad enough when they play their games with me, though I barely hear from them, thank goodness. I like what you're doing; all parents should put their kids first.
barn Posted June 26, 2018 Posted June 26, 2018 On 06/25/2018 at 9:43 PM, ShutterLake said: Thanks for the warm welcome and thanks for the cudos! My wife and I can't find anyone around is physically who thinks like us, so it's nice to be able to at least connect with others through here. Glad to be here! Stef's work has literally changed my life. It was like the ultimate light bulb moment where I was able to stitch together all of my experiences to really understand myself, but more importantly, the world around me. Yes, I have and I hate to say, but I agree with you that people rarely change. If you look at my reply in this post I touch on it a bit. Unfortunately, life was rough to me in the beginning and I have learned that the only person who can change is me, and the only one likely to change is also me. ' I feel you '. It isn't easy but there are tons of things one can do (and a couple, the least, doubles that pool of opportunities) to help those pieces fall into their most preferable place. Calling things by their proper name and comparing proposed ideas to objective standards has been the biggest for me. Or the book OT, RTR... there's literally nothing out there I could adequately compare it to... don't get me wrong, I'm not in full agreement with some of his arguments... but there's vastly more aspects to his thinking I objectivity see valuable emulating. Good value, consistency in principles... you get me. Yes, I have seen the 'past experiences' you eluded to in that post, also said it there, reiterating it here also... Thank you for sharing those words (helped me further adjust my perspectives) and working on stopping the Tsunami, NOT letting the past flow through you to others! Kudos to the both of you, champs! (I seriously think of virtuous parents as champions!) If you don't mind my curiosity... Would you say that you feel as if you've exhausted the possible avenues regarding trying to have meaningful conversations about 'respecting boundary/whose benefit is what' with the grandparents, any/all subjects that could result in win-win scenarios ? p. s. - I do believe people in general rarely change, nevertheless I found those following good principles have a much easier time readjusting, upgrading as they are invested in truth more than 'worthless and illusory quick-fixes'.
Jsbrads Posted July 18, 2018 Posted July 18, 2018 Sounds like you are doing the right thing here. FYI, I bet it also keeps you more sane when you don’t get your child overtired, one more bonus, tho not the reason you do it. maybe try to do some Skypes with auntie. communicating with family, this is really important, getting off his schedule hurts the child and is a burden on you two. He doesn’t like long drives, etc. They may not love it, but if you say it the right way, it may come thru as from your heart, you love your family.
ticketyboo Posted July 25, 2018 Posted July 25, 2018 On 6/25/2018 at 12:06 PM, ShutterLake said: So why do you guys think adults get so pissed off when you start putting the integrity, comfort, and security of your child before their own comfort? They're selfish and they don't really care about you or your child. You never mentioned the most important part. How do others react to the fact that you don't hit your kids?
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