Elias Tate

i've been struggling with lack of motivation, depression and paralyzing anxiety, to the point of non functioning in my day to day life. I have made a little headway on resolving this through self knowledge and introspection recently, but I know I need to be more active and emotionally stable than I am now, so my life doesn't implode in the meantime. This may sound stupid, but I've been considering trying to cultivate a coffee habit (i've never been a coffee drinker) as a temporary means of coping, so that I can finish the projects that i'm involved in, stop missing important career opportunities and generally be more productive and active. I have actually considered many other drugs to help, but after doing the research it seems like caffeine is the best for my situation. The reasons for this are manifold, but i won't get into them here, I don't want this thread to be apologetics for addiction.The question I want to put on the table is this: What are the moral and mental health perils of replacing one dysfunctional behavior (depression) with another (addiction) for practical reasons? Put another way, what do we think of someone avoiding or repressing their true feelings for the sake utility? Sacrificing connection with their honest experience to meet needs lower on Maslow's pryamid? We tell adults with destructive behaviors that it was necessary for them to develop these as children in order to survive in a deranged family and/or society and that there is nothing wrong or bad about them for doing so, but what if someone is not a child, and consciously chooses this?

Hello everyone. I'm working a fiction project of mine, and I wanted to try a different style of writing for this one. The story is centered around 3 teenagers, Flint Coal, Mally Tate, and Errm Kladson, from a small town in America in the near future, on their pilgrimage through the wilderness in search of a place that holds the mysteries of the past. This project in particular is heavily inspired by Chuck Palahniuk's Rant: an Oral Biography of Buster Casey. It's a great book, and it's formatted as a series of interviews with people who know the main character, and as more and more people are interviewed, you begin to put the pieces together and unfold the plot. It also has a similar rural Americana flavor for large sections of the book. So anyway, this is the first interview, let me know what you think. Does it make sense? is it intriguing? Is it overdone? Thanks and enjoy. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Josah Huff: 58 years old, Sherman Town Sheriff “The guy’s named after rocks for Christ’s sakes. What’d you ‘spect from a guy named after rocks? Flint Coal.” He spits. “Wasn’t never good at nothin’ - growin’ up i mean. Never went huntin or fishin’ much. Never liked workin’ on the farm or helpin’ with the irrigation or reconstruction or nothin’ like that. Think when he was younger his mom tried to get him involved in the church, thinkin’ that... well, i don’t know, that it’d bring him outta his shell or somethin’. You know, all the grandeur, and the guidance of Elias an’ all. Look, I love Epsy, her family did so much for me back durin’ the End, and she’s very dear to me, so i could never say this to her face, but, truth is, if ya ask me, Flint Coal is all shell. What you see is what you get, and you ain’t seein’ very much neither.” “I don’t know what to say about him. He wasn’t exactly an open book, since he’s a mute I mean. Though I ‘spect that even if he were an open book, there wouldn’t be much to glean. The only thing he ever really did was look at rocks. Rocks an’ pebbles and such, rocks for skippin’, on the water i mean. he’d spend hours doin’ that, just skippin’ rocks. Weird right? Well, what’d ya ‘spect? He just never seemed present. What I mean is, most of the time whatever he was doing it felt like he wasn’t really there, ya know? He quit his schoolin’ pretty early on, and was never the life of the party at town get togethers if ya know what I mean. Schiff and Beck Kladson even offered to teach him how to help out with keepin’ the bees, seein’ as that was one of the few livings you could make ‘round here if you didn’t never talk to nobody. But 'cordin to Beck he was unteachable Elias said he was ‘disengaged’. So i guess the only thing he ever did, only thing he was ever engaged in, besides rocks, was with those trucks he and his uncle Goose found down by the lake. We were all surprised to see the black one drive up that morning; it’s been along time since anyone had seen one of those in workin’ condition. Impressed is probably the wrong word, no one was really sure what to make of it. ‘Specially since it was in the middle of Sunday Church and that truck was loud as hell. ‘Sides that we didn’t have much use for ‘em - the trucks I mean... well same is true for Flint i guess. Just puttin’ it out there, I don’t care much for Goose neither, I mean, he’s a nice enough guy, but he’s... Well Elias says he’s ‘eccentric’. I prefer the term, ‘screwball-and-a-troublemaker’ personally. But those two got along for some reason, Flint and Goose I mean. I don’t intend to explain it, much less understand it, but it’s the truth. He is probably the only real friend Flint had, growin’ up I mean. You’ll hear rumors that Goose is Flint’s real father. This is absolutely not true. Epsy is a respectable woman, an’ anyone who thinks she would do wrong and mess around with her own brother, as much of an oddball as he is, and then make up a story to cover it up? Anyone claimin’ that just doesn’t know what the hell they’re talking about. I’m not interested in adding fuel to that fire to let’s move on.” “No i guess. No one predicted it. It wasn’t foretold in scripture or written across the sky or nothin’. ‘N fact, I remember when I visited him on his eleventh birthday, I had given him this old uke -I played ukulele I was younger- and he, well, he didn’t know what to do with it. I sat there with him for an hour tryin’ to show him basic chords, bein’ all encouragin’ and whatnot, and he just gave me this look like - like he was sayin’, ‘what’s this for?’ like he didn’t get it, or that he didn’t like music. He didn’t even try. Anyways, that’s when i figured, ‘well, he’ll replace old Toab as the gravedigger when he grows up’. That was my prediction, and I was completely wrong. Flint Coal is good for nothin’. Not even’ grave diggin’. Well, to be fair i guess, he has turned out to be great at causin’ a big mess. Not just for me an’ his family, but for the whole damn town. Biggest issue we’ve had since those looters from Oak L’oma came up here. But it’s like I said earlier: What’d you expect?” “Elias had said -he told me a few weeks back- that he heard him talk once, and I trust Elias. Seems to me it’s a good sign if it means Flint can talk, even if he don’t ever show it. Then again, I wonder if that really gives Elias any comfort- knowin’ his daughter ran off with Flint I mean. But how much comfort can one really find in a trauma induced coma? ‘Course Mally says Flint talked to her too. Some people think that if someone’s quiet and odd, someone who just don’t fit in, that deep down they’re really a good person just waitin’ to be coaxed out. Seems to me, if someone seem off, if it seems like they’re hidin’ somethin’, it’s ‘cause they are. More often than not, what’s different is harmless, but this is an exception to that rule. No, no one saw it coming. We all thought he was just a oaf. No one would’ve guessed he was- that he would do something so... extreme. Elias and I had talked about all this before, and he said that he saw somethin’ special in that boy, even though they didn’t get along, and that one day we’d all understand Flint’s purpose in this world. But, bein’ that he’s a preacher an’ all, i mean, ain’t he gotta say that? It’s all a big mess. I can’t make heads or tails of it. Elias might be the only one who knows what Flint and Mally are up to, but I can’t wait around until he wakes up. Fern says it could be days or even weeks if - God forbid - if ever. Ask me again when i’ve tracked down and killed Flint Coal. Then maybe I’ll have some answers for ya.”

It's inspiring that you've been able to sort all of this stuff out to find lucidity and perspective for yourself, espically considering the situation you came out of. Thank you for this post. Certainly in my own childhood, i have a few distinct memories of things that kind of foreshadow the issues we're talking about here, but it is not clear to me that these caused profound changes in my psychology. It seems more likely to me that I alread had these preferences and the time, because i remember eagerly engaging in such behavior in rare moments scattered thorought my younger years. It seems like i was repressing my 'interests' because they weren't socially acceptable, and i could go for months when i was younger without thinking about them or even remembering that they were part of me. But since they would inevitably come to the surface from time to time i struggled alot with comming to terms with them. For me it has been more about confusion than shame, as i've never been judgmental or moralistic in this kind of way. The most helpful thing for me was in my late teens researching the topic online and simply finding a name and description for this nebulous surge of feelings that I otherwise had no idea what to do with. I still haven't been able to find any specific trauma that explains this stuff for me, but it is nice to talk to others who have had similar expirences to my own. I also want to take a moment to empathize with CheckovsGun's original post. As much as we want to avoid self attack for something we can't change, it is also true that these kind of behaviors can sometimes be dysfunctional, espically if they are the result of some historical dysfunction. The article that Aaron727 linked to makes this same point: that sexuality is often a used as a misguided attempt to solve some deeper issue. I suppose the best thing to do is to explore it with a therapist or other professional. I've talked about this stuff with my own therapist (whom i will be seeing again in the fall) and it was helpful, but it's becoming more clear to me that there is more work to do.

Does anyone know of any worthwhile reading material on this subject. It's such a hard thing to find internal clarity on, and it's not something that seems to have been studied at any great length. I've been able to find a few case studies with some half baked theories on the psychogenisis of this phenomonea, but it's still so mysterious. there doesn't even seem to be good data it's prevelance in the general population. The only conclusive thing i've really ever been able to find is that the overwhelming majority of people with sexual fetishes are male. To be sure, dealing with this in you own life dosen't require extensive university research and statistical meta analysis, just like dealing with any aspect of your personality, it calls for curiosity and open-heartedness... but it would be nice if people could offer you more insight than, "accept your self. do whatever makes you happy" This attitude can be important and helpful, but does little to illuminate the situation. I think alot of us like to be able to explain things, especially things that provoke such powerful feelings. Hunger, fear of heights or deep water, competitivness, 'vanilla' sexuality etc are all fairly well explained by evolutionary theory, but the more kinky stuff does not have such an obivous explanation. Sexuality seems to be somthing that is more or less fixed by the time one becomes aware of it, which creates an epistemlogical dilemma - if the cause predates the effect by 5-10 years how do we go about making connections retrospectivly? If anyone here has made progress in understanding where this kind of thing comes from in their own past, what advice would you give to someone trying to sort themself out? i'm looking for somthing more specific and deepthy than, "try to figure out where these feelings come from" - that's a given. in practical terms, what clues do you look for? what information is revelant? what are the general principles? Thanks.

I respect your honesty here, it is not a pretty truth but it is truth none the less. I tend to agree with the previous posters. It is probably not possible to love your step daughter precisley as much as your natural ones. This may not be ideal, but it doesn't seem like it's something you have control over. I would imagine this should not be a big problem though. If you are the best father you can be then what else is there? Does you wife love your children as much as her own? If you haven't talked to her about this topic it definately be worth a discussion. all of these kids are in an imperfect situation due to your previous divorces, perhaps all you can do is be aware of this, over compensate when necessary and accept it where apporiate. Best of luck.

Tremendously sorry for what you experienced growing up, it's great to see that you are, in as much as your post is, sane, contemplative and caring. This fact alone is very inspiring and i think it's worth it for you to reflect on this for a moment and it would not be inappropriate to take pride in this. As for the projection, perhaps other members may have more insight than me. What i will say though, is that every inch of self awareness helps, because the more you stop to notice some of your own defensive or maladaptive behavior patterns, the stronger this reflex to check in with yourself and analyse your own behavior becomes. And this awareness spreads to other areas of life. It's clear that being adept at something makes you more sensitive to it. Writers are more picky about what books they like the longer they have been writing, and any english speaker could more easily tell a brittish accent from an australian accent than a french speaker could. You are probably sensitive to your ex friends slimy behavior because, having done it, you understand it intuitively. This is a vestige of a darker time in your psychological history perhaps, but it is a strength too because it means you don't have to learn the hard when when you're dealing with someone like this. You say you have a hard time trusting people's intentions a lot of the time, so this raises a question: are the people you are mistrusting in fact trustworthy? put another way: is your mistrust accurate or inaccurate? Is it just a general nebulous mistrust, or does it seem to be triggered by something?

I'm a college student living in Kansas City MO, if you find youself comming to KC ayntime, shoot me an email, and maybe we can chat a bit.

This idea is blatantly self contradictory. I think it appeals to people who are dissatisfied with thier relationships but are too afraid of the consequences of ending them. Or perhaps it is more about having a platitude to fall back on as an excuse for being abusive.

I want to start this by admitting that i don't post here much, I'm kind of a lurker, and only make posts when i have a personal problem i can't solve. If you find this behavior selfish or exploitative, i can understand, that is justified. if you feel i'm not adding enough to the community to deserve a response from you, please, feel free to move on to the next thread. I'm a 20 year old college student, and i've been struggling with some things in my relationships. My current girlfriend, we'll call her 'A', and I have been dating since feburary. We go to the same school and have many of the same classes together. Our relationship first started I think because of shared intellectual intrests and hobbies, but there was definatly a strong non-intellectual attraction from the very beging. The past month or so though have been more tumultious and distant, with us haveing more and more unplesant conversations and both of us pulling away from eachother relationship more and more. Upon reflection it seems we have been getting more and more distant as time goes on. This is something we have talk about to great length. We have discovered no interesting solutions, just the usual, to be more open/honest an more enthusiastic and affectionate. We have both made steps toward this. These things have helped somewhat, but over the past week things have not gotten significantly better. This is frustrating because I can so vividly remember how close we were at the begining. So over the past day or so i've noticed myself, oftentimes while she's around, making mental pros and cons lists for breaking up, and mentaly rehersing how i would explain this to my parents and friends. This evening i did a silly google search for "should i stay in a loveless relationship" and was reading the stupid articles with bullet pointed love advice. One of them got me thinking, it said that, "If you do end your relationship don't date for at least one year, otherwise you'll end up dating someone just liek your ex." So this got me thinking. Obivously i have casually compared A to my one previous girlfriend, call her 'B' but this time i made some new connections: 1. B and i broke up about this time last year, after about 18 months of being together because a fight about some unexpressed issues she had with me, the breakup was unexpected to me. Then we got back together about a month later. There was a burst of passion for a couple of weeks after we got back together but within 6 weeks it had quickly become intollerably cold and difficult. 2. Upon reflection, my relationship with A has a striking similarity to B and i's second go. There are some differences too, but the trend of greater and greater distance is the same only about 5 times slower. 3. I am starting to think that The problems that B and I had with eachother are being mirrored in this relationship. That is to say, they are similar, only reversed. In my last relationship i was hurt by B's lack of enthusiam and with her disintrest in things i was passionate about, which is now a problem A has with me (and rightfully so). I was also annoied by B's weak self esteem and lack of ambition relative to myself, and A is much more self confident, professional, practical and successful than I am. Finally B as hurt by my lack of physical intamacy with her, which is now how I feel about A's lack of physical intamacy with me. Perhaps this is all nonsense. Perhaps i'm just theorizing to feel more competent that i am. Uncertainty is a big issue for me, and i always feel like there's no clear answer in times like this. I have many considerations Reasons to break up: 1.There are some things i deeply crave in a partner that A does not embody 2.Settleing for something less than I want means obivously that ill never get what I really want 3.we will probably break up anyway if things don't get better. 4. Upon reading the opening lines of this post, i realize that I am in my physical prime and feel that it should not be wasted. 5 *lists all of her psycological problems 6. *lists all my own psychological problems Reasons not to break up 1. doing so will be no fun (I imagine we would not remain friends but would still have to be around eachother alot, It would be embarassing for me explain this to people, and other short sighted practical considerations) 2. If we break up, rather than solving this problem, how do i know this problem won't come up with the next girl? 3. The distress from this relationship is far smaller than the distress I get from being single via 1) general loneliness and 2) weak abilities in finding and starting relationships with women i'm interested in. The point is that even though this relationship at the moment isn't perfectly fufilling, it's nicer than being alone. The first 4 reasons on the reasons to break up list could be summarized by just sayin, "oppertunity cost" and reason 6 i have to deal with no matter what. 4. Sure there's probably better women out there then her, (i haven't met any, but statistically, there's 3 or so billion of them so i would imagine) but we're both young and inexpirenced, Is it reasonable to expect much more from a 20 year old? and even if it were reasonable to expect more, I wouldn't expect a securly attached, self actualized goddess of wisdom and compassion to want to be with me, i am by no means perfect. 5. Some of the things that i crave in a partner that A doesen't have are shallow and come from a place of immaturity in me. This 4th reason seems most interesting to me. How high of standards should I have? furthermore, Isnt settling part of living in reality? Any thoughts anyone has will be deeply apperciated, and if you care to say nothing, hopefully this melodramatic ramble was at least somewhat interesting. Thanks.

Thought you guys might find this interesring. http://youtu.be/cs6NL5rPyGM It seems as though marriage has, in general, psychological, and health benefits inspite of how bad it seems in the modern west.