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My parents, for example, would scream and insult each other and harm me in the process by exposing me to such verbal violence. I wasn't worth it to them to go somewhere else where I would not hear the screaming. MM, that's interesting. I would phrase it like, 'by acting on negative core beliefs about yourself that are false, you are confirming that they are true and thus strengthening those neural pathways, which increases ones chances of acting on those beliefs in the future.' do you think that captures what you were trying to say?

There's a part of me that wants to be reconstructed, repaired, uncovered and to grow because I believe I deserve better than to live in shame, fear and insecurity for the rest of my life and that it is the right thing to do. There is also a part that feels permanently flawed and that wants to cover up, hide and keep from having these flaws exposed by distracting people with external things. So, I guess what I was documenting a trasition from an intellectual understanding that there is no external solution to the problem of insecurity in the abstract to a more richer emotional understanding that I experience in my gut. No offense taken, btw

Hey! Thank you for your response .I'm curious to know what is it that you found interesting, why you felt uncomfortable as well as what you meant you said a miscommunication amoungst you and your peers?

Disclaimer: this might not make a whole lot of sense if you are not familiar with Parts-Work As I was lying in bed the other night, I experienced a moment of insight, a kind of understanding that resonated on an emotional level throughout my gut, which is that I was beginning to fully comprehend the entire weight of the shame that I carry. Shortly after, I began reviewing a mental montage which contained the memories of behaviors, actions I've took, choices I've made and things that I do or avoid on a consistent and daily basis and found that the vast majority of things that I do, I do because I am operating on the premise that I am not good enough. That I am not interesting enough. That I am not valuable enough. That I am inherently unlovable. For example, when I go to the gym I hope that the addition of a toned physique will allow me to feel confident. When I play my bass guitar or sing, rather that play music because I enjoy it I will attempt to learn how to play advanced pieces with the desire that it will make me feel more interesting. The food I eat, however healthy it might be, is consumed with the expectation that my face will clear up so people will find me more attractive, rather than out of a love for my self and a desire to give my body the nutrition it deserves. Sometimes I might read books that are intellectually challenging, again not out of joy, but in order to correct a feeling that I'm stupid. Even the act of gaining self knowledge itself is at times not motivated by curiosity, but instead to avoid the guilt of sitting and relaxing for too long. And the feeling of shame is so restricting,claustrophobic and omnipresent. Because when you are acting on those premises, then everything you do sends information to the unconscious that just confirms the diagnosis, which affects you as negatively as any abusive self talk would. Perhaps an explanation for what was happening that night was that my true self was "unblending" from a shamed sub-self since I began observing myself from a third person perspective, with curiosity, compassion and without judgement. As I watched myself in these recent memories as if I was another person and felt sympathy. I didn't feel ashamed. I didn't watch myself and think "what a loser". And I want to know more of what is going on for that part who feels like he needs to add looks, talent, ect in order to feel whole. Why he feels like there needs to be Joel plus something else. Which reminds me, I use to be into transhumanism, which is abbreviated as H+ and is " intellectual movement with an eventual goal of fundamentally transforming the human condition by developing and making widely available technologies to greatly enhance humanintellectual, physical, and psychological capacities." Maybe I was into that stuff is because deep down a part of me felt like I need to enhance myself through external means. I also wanted to mention that I was going to just title this post "understanding my shame", which might indicate that an analytical sub-personality is present in this moment since analytical parts strive to understand and figure out things. So, not only am I aware of a shamed-self who motivates my behavior, but I am also becoming aware just now of an analytical-self who is striving to understand and synthesize these concepts. Which might indicate that my observing ego is growing stronger since the analytical part is not fully dominate and neither is the shame based part. I have an awareness of them that I didn't have just a few weeks ago. It's quite fascinating. Anyways, I think I'll post this. Perhaps some this might be interesting to people. Any feedback is welcome, I would love to hear if anybody else has had a similar experience.

This was 04/04/2010. Sometimes I can be pretty hard on myself and self attack for not being quite "where I want to be" or for making "so little progress." However, when I look at this it makes me feel a lot better about where I am now. If I were Stef I would have found this hilarious. "If I had injured a wasp(because it had encroached my room) by hitting it with a sandal and then sprayed it with bug spray, even while it was incapable of moving (and admittedly found humor in that), would you say that was immoral? Would you think that was a mean thing to do? why? Is saying that it is something I ought not to have done the same thing as saying it is immoral? Also, would it be erroneous to say that I 'tortured' the wasp or that the wasp 'suffered'? Or would those words be misplaced since it is subjective language, and we are talking about a wasp that doesn't feel 'pain' (it doesn't have nociceptors) as mammals do?"

As I was shopping at a grocery store yesterday, I saw in of the corner of my eye a boy probably around the age of 12 pocketing some gum while I was walking down past the ailes. He must have noticed that I saw him, because when I turned my head around to look at him he began to quickly take out from his shorts his ill gotten gains and put the candy back in its place. Then he ran off. One of the employees who had walked past me during this moment saw this too and his first reaction was to tell the security guard. So, he began to describe to the guard what the boy looked like and I began to continue my walk down the hallway to get my dinner. As I was walking, a number of thoughts and questions began to spring to my mind. I imagined what would happen if the security guard were to find this boy. I began to worry that all that would happen is that the man would lecture the boy, the boy would be humiliated, and he would then go home to his parents who would further humiliate this kid by giving more boring pompous lectures or by hitting him. I also saw this abuse continuing in a possible future for him in the rape rooms that are the american prisons. This would more than likely ensure that he would continue stealing in the future. I felt really sad because, thanks to what I've learned from Stef's podcasts, children are not born evil. They steal because their childhoods have been stolen from them. (The boy was african american and studies show that african american parents and more likely to use corporal punishment than white parents, so I knew that the chances of that happening wasn't too slim. ) As I made my way towards the cash register, I really hoped to run into the boy. I didn't know what I was going to say, but I hoped to keep him from doing something that would make his life more difficult. I started looking down the ailes. Eventually, I ran into him. With as much compassion that my face and my monotone voice could express I said to him "Hey, man. I can buy you a pack of gum. I really don't want you to go down that path." He looked frightened and quickly replied 'naw, I'm good and walked away.' I have no idea how this kid is going to turn out, but I hope by showing him some compassion, he'll at least know that the world isn't that shitty. That their are people who care. So, I bought my food and ate it in the parking lot. And with relief I saw this boy and his family walk down the sidewalk, get into their car and drive off, which was to say he didn't end up getting lectures by the "authorities". I have no control over his behavior and have no idea how his life with play out, but I sure do I wish him well. And I also wanted to note that I would not have done something like this if it were not for the mentoring I have received here from Stef and others here at FDR. I wanted to post this to show that this philosophy has truly been essential opening my heart and for that I am truly grateful.

I'm sorry that you had to grow up with your mom, Mcs. I wanted to point out that the scenario you mentioned regarding your friend and his girlfriend is yet another reason to be angry with your mother simply because that situation was so completely and totally preventable. Your mother should have spent time providing you what you needed, which were essential skills such as learning how to form healthy emotional attachments and how to communicate effectively in conflictual settings, to name a few. For the same reasons, we would be outraged at a parent who neglected to show their children how to prevent car accidents by explaining the importance of wearing a seat belt, rules of the road, checking their tires, getting regular check ups ect. However, your mom didn't just neglect or withhold information, she actively taught you and modeled all of the wrong behaviors. So, with the car analogy, it would be more like a parent encouraging their children to drive on the left site of the road(in the united states) and to speed wile under the influence. Break ups, violent fights, and unhealthy relationships should be something people work towards preventing wiith as much concern as car accidents.

Hey, Melesina! I asked the question. "I was wondering if it is at all possible to have an inner sibling, even though you have no sibling?" On IFs therapist's facebook page entitled 'break the cycle' and these were the responses that I got, for what they're worth. " Of course, this sounds like very likely to be true,, Remember parts can appear early on in proxy like form, with their appearance changing overtime to become or take on a different quality." "Joel, I think that when a person, (like myself), has thoughts and emotions we wish we could share with our sibling or son/daughter and can't then we express it inwardly to the internal sibling or son/daughter. In that way I think we can have an internal sibling or son/dtr." "My understanding of IFS is that parts can take on or first appear in images and sensations, which over time can morph or disclose their real identities through parts work. It seems perfectly possible to me if this understanding is correct, that a part could at first appear as a sibling with the qualities of a sibling which turns out to be a young part taking on a role not intended for it." Pete Gerlach also writes this on his page about interviewing your subselves. "Focus on the subself you want to interview, and ask if s/he will give you an inner image. Be open to the first thing that appears, even if it "makes no sense." "Images may be of a real or imaginary person, a memory or fantasy, an animal, or cartoon figure, an abstract shape or color, or an object. If you don't get a stable image, that's OK. Focus on a memory that hilights the personality trait you've chosen. Remember how it felt to be that trait." That's all I could find. Hope that helps!

Today I woke up asking myself a series of questions. I asked myself this morning, what steps can I take today towards making myself a better person and the world a better place? How am I going to train myself today? How can I become more self actualized today? One of the answers which came to mind was to explicitely state here that I want to change my relationship to truth in this way. I wanted to make a commitment that is vivible to people who might support me. It's been three years since I discovered this beacon of truth here on the internet. I hate that when I did discover this light, that I closed my eyes, looked away and for so long pretended to myself that I didn't see anything. That hasn't worked for me. Distorting reality in that way and choosing to not accept reality in that way has resulted in much pain and poor decisions on my part. So, recently I've been gradually allowing myself to take steps towards the light of truth. I've find that the closer I get to it, the warmer I get and the more comfortable I feel and I find myself wanting more and more.Has anyone else had a similar experience? I would be curious to hear any stories from other people on there journey towards truth. Did you put all of your effort into things at first or was it a slow and gradual process like mine?

Thank you for sharing your thoughts with me. I think that addressing the issue of taking a stance on such matters to a member of higher managment at the place I work at now might be a good thing because I work for a small business, rather than a corporation, and so you'd think I would have more influence. It is hard though, one of the things the mother I mentioned earlier asked my manager after I intervened was if it ws policy to tell people how to child rear, to which he heplied "no". After she left she called back and complained to him until he eventually gave me the phone and told me to apologize to her. As you could imaginedthis really angered me. I was still as gentle and firm as I could be and said to her that I was sorry she was upset. Then she said felt harrassed and accused me of being racist. It wasn't pleasant. I did get anxious when she asked me if I wanted her to call the cops or the corporate office, so I just nervously said "home office" and got off the phone with her.

How would you recommend intervening at work? I've asked a women not to spank her child in front of me as I was ringing her up at the register. Afterwards, I recieved a lot of passive agresive remarks from my coworkers. It was difficult hearing most of my coworkers make fun of me for doing something so difficult, although one guy was supportive. I no longer work there, but there was an instance the other day at my recent job where I saw a child being yelled at and decided not to intervene because, however irrational, I fear being in the same kind of situation. I feel really guilty for not saying anything though, because whatever i'll recieve from my coworkers is nothing compared to what the child had to go through. I'm wondering why I still fear these kind of attacks from others? Should I address this to the store manager to see what he thinks? I'd really like to hear what the community thinks.