Three

What is Narcissism? When you think of the word Narcissism what comes to mind? Perhaps this word is associated with negative character traits, such as selfishness, arrogance or an unrealistic sense of entitlement. Maybe you are thinking of a person who is obsessed with looking physically attractive and vivacious, who goes through great lengths to stuff their facebook photo album with perfectly lighted, albeit cringeworthy, “selfies”. You could be thinking of fictional film and television show characters, such as the wicked queen from Snow White, whose gross infatuation with her own beauty was so great that it was sufficient enough reason to murder Snow White when the Queen’s Magic Mirror proclaimed that Snow white was in fact, “a thousand times more beautiful” than she, or the cold and arrogant Doctor House who, when relaying important information, seizes the opportunity to belittle his patients and colleagues. Or, perhaps your imagination lies on the more criminal end of the spectrum of human behavior and you associate Narcissism with those who utilize their verbal prowess and charisma to lie their way into political power and money hungry brokers who achieve their wealth through stock fraud. Doubtlessly, Narcissism is a conceptual label that is cast, by professionals and laymen alike, over a wide scope of traits and characteristics much like how the term “Heavy Metal” is cast over an extensive number of bands, all of whom differ in so many ways and incorporate so many opposing musical elements that there’s much debate over who actually qualifies to receive the title and under what criteria this decision should be made. The result of this confusion has led to the invention of numerous sub-genres of sub-genres to narrow the scope of the definitions, which has frustrated some to the point of suggesting that “Labels Suck” and we should do away with them altogether. Similarly, in addition to the classical psychological definition of Narcissism, which is “extreme selfishness, with a grandiose view of one's own talents and a craving for admiration”, there has been attempts to narrow the scope of the category “Narcissism” with the invention of subcategories such as “Cerebral Narcissism”, which involves obtaining admiration and envy through intellectual achievements as oppose to “Somatic Narcissism ”, which involves provoking similar feelings in others through their physique and sexual prowess. Whether or not doing away with labels altogether is the most effective way of ensuring clear communication, I'm not sure. Categories, in any sphere, certainly do have value in so far as they allow for the easy convenience of communicating numerous things about something with one word, rather than repetitively reciting an exhaustingly long list, which can be a strain on both sides of the conversation. On the other hand, the cost of using speedy, broad labels is that, often many more nuanced details get left out of the message which, depending on the importance of such subtleties, the communicator might not be able to afford excluding. And, if knowing even the most intricate of details is paramount to helping someone understand the concept, especially when a misunderstanding could result in grave suffering, then perhaps going through the grinding process of reciting an exhaustingly long list of details is worth the strain. For example, if I tell you that a film that I just saw is Science Fiction, I’ve managed to convey quite a lot of information in a very short amount of time. Then again, as with any word, this can be problematic if the person you’re talking too has a very different understanding of what the word ‘Science Fiction’ means. However, whether the epitome of science fiction to me involves action and adventure, like “The Empire Strikes Back”, while to you the epitome of Science Fiction involves something more cerebral and realistic, such as “2001: A Space Odyssey”, there are still some basic fundamentals about Science Fiction that we will agree on. Whether the story will include elements of action, romance, mystery, will occur in the distant or near future, is up to speculation unless you want me to elaborate, but if you tell anyone that you just saw a Science Fiction film, there is most likely going to be a consensus that the film will include a futuristic setting, futuristic devices and that these futuristic places and things will serve as a way to explore the consequences of certain ideas and innovations. The same reasoning applies to Heavy Metal music. Whatever Science Fiction or Heavy Metal are, there is enough agreement about what the labels represent in their fundamentals, which allow them to be useful. This is why when I say Science Fiction, nobody thinks of “Gone With The Wind” and when I say Heavy Metal, nobody thinks I’m referring to the kind of relaxing music that is produced by Tibetan Singing Bowls. And it is here that lies the major difference between labels such as Science Fiction and Narcissism, which is that, while with Science Fiction there is a bare minimum consensus on what Science Fiction is in its fundamentals, nearly every definition and subcategory of Narcissism misses the point entirely. Going back to the question posed earlier, when I asked, “When you think of Narcissism what comes to mind?”, did you once think of the words child abuse? I want propose that Narcissism fundamentally is a symptom of early Childhood neglect and abuse. When children are traumatized, the result is that they develop excessive fear, excessive shame and guilts, reality distortions, trust disorders, and difficulty feeling, empathizing, bonding and loving. The result of inheriting the combination of the two wounds, reality distortion(I’m superior than others) and a difficulty feeling, empathizing, bonding, and loving, often causes the symptom whereby someone is thrilled by themselves at the exclusion of others. Not recognizing this fact, unlike with disagreements about other categories previously mentioned, has detrimental consequences. Similarly, if we are approached by a woman with amnesia who has severe burn-like scars on her face and body, whether she has an incurable skin disease or is suffering from wounds inflicted by a murder attempt, changes the situation entirely and determines the kind of treatment she will or will not receive. The magnitude of unnecessary, prolonged suffering that survivors of low-nurturant, dysfunctional, chaotic, abusive households endure, who just so happen to exhibit traits which we can conveniently categorize as Narcissism, as a result of mischaracterizing Narcissism with all its traits a “genetic disorder” rather than symptoms of childhood trauma is beyond comprehension. Regardless, however hard it is to see how far that this grim atrocity will echo misery throughout the generations, what is certain is that the beginning of wisdom is to call things by their proper names and until we do so, until we see Narcissism as a consequence of extreme parental cruelty, we will at best continue to promote expensive and harmful brain destroying drugs as “treatments” and at worst, more parental cruelty. Either way, it’s always the most innocent, most helpless, most dependent, it is children who suffer the most from this lie, which is why it has to stop. The magnitude of unnecessary, prolonged suffering that survivors of low-nurturant, dysfunctional, chaotic, abusive households endure, who just so happen to exhibit traits which we can conveniently categorize as Narcissism, as a result of mischaracterizing Narcissism with all its traits a “genetic disorder” rather than symptoms of childhood trauma is beyond comprehension. Regardless, however hard it is to see how far that this grim atrocity will echo misery throughout the generations, what is certain is that the beginning of wisdom is to call things by their proper names and until we do so, until we see Narcissism as a consequence of extreme parental cruelty, we will at best continue to promote expensive and harmful brain destroying drugs as “treatments” and at worst, more parental cruelty. Either way, it’s always the most innocent, most helpless, most dependent, it is children who suffer the most from this lie, which is why it has to stop. http://sfhelp.org/gwc/wounds.htm

should work now!

With your kind permission, I would like to share this autobiographical account of a pretty horrendous experience with work place bullying. But, don't expect this to be a big whine-fest. I am not a victim. My goal in writing this was to process the mistakes I made in ignoring early warning signs, which doubtlessly were there as well as to analyse the many crazy making tactics with which bullies deploy to erode one's sense of self efficacy. My this piece be an enlightening as it is inspiring. Abuse by Proxy By Joel Patterson An effective technique that’s often deployed by the sadist is what is known as abuse by proxy. This is when the perpetrator of the abuse recruits Lieutenants to, sometimes unwittingly, do his bidding. The benefits of this strategy is that it allows the abuser to enjoy the sick pleasure he finds in the pain of his target, while simultaneously feeling the gratification that comes from getting away with cleverly manipulating others into doing his dirty work. For these kinds of people, power trips like this are irresistable. It again, keeps the abuser further and further away from the target’s sight and keeps the target’s focus on the second in command rather than the source of the abuse. When I worked at a local grocery store in the year 2013, this was my manager’s weapon of choice. Into the void It was a beautiful morning in Huntsville, Alabama. The sun’s soft gleam was magnificent. It produced just the right glow to enhance the visual quality of everything it touched, making the plants and flowers in my backyard even more difficult to look away from. And because it was mid May, the temperature was made even more comfortable by the earth’s stirring breeze. I was in my goldilocks zone, everything was just right. Still, I was deeply unsatisfied. The reason was because I knew that in less than 48 hours, I would have to return to my night shift job. I had been working night shift for about about 8 months up to that point and regardless, I still wasn’t use to it. No matter how much sleep I had, I still felt tired all the time. Not only that, but I had just moved to this fabulous new city, that was at least ten times as large as the city I had moved from, filled with parks, mountains, trails, and more. Yet, since living there, I got to see so little of it. With an unsatisfying shift, unsatisfying work, and unsatisfying off days, something had to change. So, on that same day, I decided to touch up my resume, iron my job hunting clothes, put on my job hunting clothes, and embark on a new journey to find a job. Less than a week later, I got a call back from a local grocery store, which was just a few blocks away from where I lived, and was asked if I would be interested in an interview for a produce clerk position. That First Feeling The interview was surprisingly short. After answering only two questions, the store manager exclaimed, ”I like him!” And I was offered the job. After the giddy rush of excitement wore off by the time I got home, I remember thinking, “That was rather odd. What does it mean about the person who just hired me that he spends so little time evaluating potential new hires. What exactly did he like about me?” Foolishly, I turned a blind eye to these thoughts by telling myself that, “This job is going to be better than the night shift.” I got what I wanted and that was that. This was the first omen I missed. If only I had just listened. I was hired during a time of transition. Doug, the store manager, had just recently promoted my immediate boss, David, to his current position as Produce Manager. During my first few days of training, I liked David. He was pretty laid back, he invited me to share break time with him when he needed a smoke, and initially, he was even quite patient with me while I was at my clumsiest learning new things. However, this comfort I had around him gradually declined because the more we made small talk the more David, usually for no apparent reason, would expound information about himself, Doug, and the reason he was hired. “The last manager didn’t do shit.” “I was promoted because of hard work” “There are rumors that Doug and I are dating.” Sometimes he’d even repeat himself the next day, but in a slightly different way. I was also surprised by some of the outlandish claims he would make about himself. When I asked him if he was into films, for example, his answer was that, "Yes, I'd consider myself an expert." Even more shocking was the extraordinary lack of concern and sometimes unabashed hostility he expressed towards customers. I recall one morning when an elderly woman asked if we had a particular vegetable in stock, which she hadn't been able to find on display. With sincere concern for this lady, I asked if she wouldn't mind if I looked in the backroom. David and I hadn't finished unloading the truck, so It seemed likely that this commonly purchased plant would have been there. Luckily, my gut feeling served me well. I was able to find exactly what our customer came all the way from her house to purchase. It was really satisfying seeing the smile on her face as well as receiving warm thanks for my excellent customer service. Much to my surprise, David did not see it that way. In fact, he was even quite irritated. "Don't do that for people.", he grumbled. "If it's not out then we don't have it. We've got work to do." "Was that not what I was doing?", I asked myself rhetorically out of irritation. "This is just basic customer service 101 stuff.", I continued. A lot of my frustration had to do with the fact that this selfish incompetence was coming from a manager, who should have known better. I also felt resentment towards the fact that this man was getting paid far more than me, but clearly wasn't earning his paycheck. David's cold disregard was not only aimed towards customers. I remember one morning the produce truck was running a few hours late, which was very unusual. Once the truck arrived, we were greeted by a driver who we had both never seen before. The first thing this man did was to make it a priority to apologize to us for the delay and explain that with little notice the regular delivery man was unable to make it due to illness. While the late truck was surely an inconvenience, I understood the circumstances and was ready to put my chagrin aside to keep things moving. Once again, David and I didn't quite see eye to eye. David's attitude was more along the lines of "let no bad deed go unpunished ." David, as he strolled by the truck driver, who was at the time pulling large produce pallets into the building, made sure to vocalize his frustrations loud enough so the driver could hear him. "Boy, they really screwed up!" he said slowly and clearly. By the time David completed the sentence he had reached the far end of the room and was out of site. But, as I could tell by the truck driver's angry facial expression, his words still lingered in the man's mind. After a while, I began to feel creeped out by David's behavior as well as suspicious about what he was telling me. I remember thinking, “Why else would David be telling me these things unless it was a lie he needed to reinforce and make sure I bought into?”. Projection Eventually, the truth began to reveal itself and as a result, I started feeling more and more uneasy about work. My job, as it was explained to me during my interview was to help the manager unload the truck. However, as time passed, David’s participation gradually diminished. It got to the point where he even stopped coming into work half the time, which left me with most if not all the work for myself. He did give reasons for why he couldn’t work or arrived so late, which at first, I believed this to be genuine. “My mother’s in the hospital!”, he pleaded, which would then be followed by assurances that his absences were a deviation from the norm. Instead, his absences became more and more frequent. He eventually began to contradict himself by making different kinds of excuses like, “my manager made me do the same thing” as if his absences were normal. I remember thinking, “but, if you said the last manager was horrible, why would you model his behavior?” The facts became even clearer when I had over five employees from different departments of the store tell me that the previous manager did indeed do most of the truck by himself and that David was lying. To add insult to injury, David then began to incessantly badger me and nit-pick my work. For example, I could be hard at work, diligently stocking one area of the department only to have my efforts minimized by David who, after arriving to work nearly 4 hours late, would lurch over to an area I hadn’t started and complain about its "flaws." It’s an impossible situation because you can interrupt virtually any process halfway through to point out how the other half isn’t finished. Imagine, both of your shoes are untied. You’re tying the strings on the right foot and then here I come marching along wearing my Captain Obvious uniform to point out to you that the left shoe isn’t done. Would you not think I was the just the most square minded derptard? It was an insult not only because I was highly regarded at my previous jobs for my performance, but mainly because in every case the simplest solution to his “problems” was for him to just do his job by showing up to work and helping! So, in David’s mind, having a single red onion shaving in the white onion basket was worse than lying to your employees and skipping work while on a salary. In David’s mind, I was the bad employee, not him. Pro tip: If you are considering the business of being a full time conjurer, be sure to have an abundance of techniques in your bag of tricks to misdirect your foolish audience’s attention. As the the world famous teacher of magicians Harlan Tarbell put it, “Nearly the whole art of sleight of hand depends on this art of misdirection”. Projection is the narcissist’s stock-in-trade. David knew this all too well. It wasn’t enough to convince himself that I was an awful employee. He needed to convince others that I was a bad employee. All propaganda needs to be reinforced. In other words, projection not only served the purpose of distracting David’s corruption from himself, but also to distract others from David’s corruption by steering their attention towards me. Point to the other guys, and people will be more blind to you. Now, that I was destabilized, phase two of my re-education would begin. It was here that I realized that I was truly dealing with an incredibly sick individual. PHASE 2 I was four hours into my shift with over half of the work finished. David was nowhere to be found, but I was getting used to that. I found that the better I became at the job, the less I needed his help and also, due to David’s obnoxious personality, I prefered working alone. Unfortunately, the relief was not as long lasting as I would have hoped. Five hours after his scheduled arrival time, he came moseying on into the department, where I was stocking bagged salads at the time. I turned around and asked how he was doing. Much to my surprise, he simply answered my question and walked away. “What? No nagging?", I asked myself. I stood there, puzzled and tried make sense out of what just happened. "I must have been doing something right.", I pondered. "Maybe since I’ve improved he's beginning to lay off. After all, I've been finishing more work quicker than ever." I was even beginning to feel confident. Whatever the case might have been, I was just happy to have a moment of peace. So, I suspended my disbelief, relaxed, and continued my work. Moments later, Doug approached me. "Joel", he said ruefully. "I try to give at least 9 compliments for every 1 criticism." I was on the edge of my seat. Doug hadn't complimented me since I started the job one month prior. On top of that, I was being more productive than ever, so my hopes were beginning to raise for that rightfully earned compliment. Maybe even all nine of them! My expectations were shot down as quick as they were raised, "But, I'm really disappointed in your performance today." he revealed. He then shook his head and walked away. I was astonished, flabbergasted...amazed! It was as if out of the blue, the jolly green giant had grabbed me by the ankle, held me upside down, and shook me like a snowglobe, leaving my thoughts turbulently crashing back and forth from one end of my skull to the other. It was disorienting. My thoughts were racing. Time began to slow down. I felt unreal, like I was in a bad dream. And I wanted to wake up. Things got weirder. Within a few minutes, David, who looked to be in a lot of grief, rushed by me without saying a word and fled out the back door. After taking a few moments to mentally dust myself off and reground myself emotionally, I again spent a moment to ponder and tried make sense of what just happened. Within seconds this train of thought was interrupted by the store's intercom "Joel to the office, please. Joel to the office.", the voice droned. "What now!", I cried. This day was relentless. Once I got to the office, I was relieved to have my worst fears proven false. There was no Doug, no write-up form awaiting my signature, and I wasn't getting fired personally by the store owner himself. It was just a phone call. "Hello", I answered. My voice shook a little. I still feared for something terrible. An angry customer, perhaps? Was I about to be cursed or yelled out? No. Even worse. It was David. "Hey, Bud. How's it going?", he inquired as if he could sense my distress through the phone. "Uh" I hesitated, "I'm okay." Nothing could have been further from the truth. Honesty wasn't really important to me at that moment. I was more focused on figuring out where this conversation was going. "Yeah, sorry about earlier. You know, rushing out like that. I got a call about my mother. She's...in the hospital again." A jolt of irritation electrocuted my body's center. That story was really starting to lose its sentimental value. It definitely was not worth being interrupted for. "It's okay." I kept my responses as short as possible. Again, this was not at all true. I wasn’t okay. I hadn't the courage to tell him how I really felt. I was just saying anything to get him off the phone as soon as possible. He wasn't going to let go control over the conversation that easy. "Oh, by the way, I heard Doug got on to you earlier. What was all that about?" "Yeah..", I paused. I felt an ominous chill cut through my vertebra. It was as if I was in the presence of something menacing. “...he did” "Yeah, you know, sometimes he's like that. I don't get him either. Anyways, we can talk about it, later. " With my anxiety rising higher and higher, I could feel my brain locking up. I was on autopilot. I barely managed to respond with an "Okay." He left me with one last question. "Oh, and could you stay a few hours late to finish the truck?" I only agreed to one hour later. Once again, I was left dizzy and off balance. In order to regain stability, I again stood there puzzled and tried make sense out of what just happened. Except this time, something clicked. It wasn’t until David arrived at work that Doug started to berate me. Before that, Doug had paid little to no attention to me. So, the question then became, "What is David saying during his conversations with Doug that allows Doug to feel like he can disrespect me?" Also, how else could David had heard about Doug berating me, especially since nobody was around to see Doug and I’s interaction. Besides, he wasn’t in the store for very long and it didn’t look like he had the time to stop and catch up on rumors given that his poor mother was in the hospital. Finally, I experienced a moment of clarity. David couldn’t just sense my distress through the phone earlier, he was anticipating it, creating it, and dare I say feeding off it. Only seconds later my heartbeat began to quicken, my face began to tighten and my jaw clenched. My anger was rising. I felt like I had the kind of adrenaline filled fury that, without conscious restraint, could allow me slam my fist into a person's stomach and blow a hole through their back. Having never been physically violent towards anyone in my life or the desire to experiment with such cruelty, this never happened. What did happen though was a conversation. And a very revealing one at that. Before I clocked out to go home, I approached Doug and offered a request to speak with him in private, to which he accepted. Surprisingly, I found out everything I needed to know during that conversation with little effort. Part of me thinks this had something to do with the way in which I approached Doug. Consciously, I knew that this man wouldn't be the person to have a rational and objective discussion with about David if he was indeed dating him. And if it were indeed true that Doug was dating him, then that would indicate that Doug is no less emotionally volatile, manipulative, and dishonest than David. On top of that, if Doug is dishonest and manipulative then, most likely Doug would just end up lying to and manipulating me during the conversation. And that surely did happen, however I was prepared for that. Having the misfortune of acquiring years of experience with interacting these kinds of people, I instinctively knew not to approach Doug in a confrontational manner. This would have undoubtedly provoked the narcissistic rage and since we were about to be alone in an office room together, there was no spectators that might put pressure on Doug to maintain his image as a professional. Image, afterall, is all a Narcissist has. So, when I brought up the fact that the majority of the employees were saying that David should be working more, I positioned this as if I was confused, concern, and needed clarification. That way it appeared as though I was asking him a favor and that I needed him for help. These kinds of vain people love to be needed and to be put into the role of a wise consultant. A narcissist is not going to pass off that opportunity to reap that sort of attention. Then he started talking, alot. And I didn’t interrupt, “Yes, there are indeed a lot of rumors going on about David and I..” I was confused at first until I remembered what David had blathered about earlier regarding how ,”people think Doug and I are dating!” Once again I’m being told to discard a rumor I might hear from others, yet the only two times its ever been brought to my attention were from Doug and David. So, this pretty much confirmed that the two were dating. He went on “But, I don’t give a damn. I’ll bite their fucking heads off!” He said this flippantly, like it was a joke, but I couldn’t help but feel like there was a lot of truth in what he was saying or at least in the sense that he really is indeed quite vicious. He continued. “They just want to see him fail! Besides David doesn’t need to do the truck. He needs to think about promotions and truck orders.” He then flipped the conversation so that I would be on the defensive. It back fired, ”Anyway, what was going on today. David told me you were performing well at all.” I had every I needed to know. I seized the opportunity to push back, “That’s interesting because when I talked to David on the phone earlier he had no Idea why you got on to me.” I could see Doug’s brain short-circuit. Another thing I learned about Doug was that he wasn’t a very witty guy. The way in which he attempted to misdirect my attention was rather pathetic. “Well you know, uh, David does have a nurturing side though. He might be rough sometimes, but look, he really does care about you, Joel. He does say good things about you.” I felt like I had been dipped into a bucket of slime. There’s nothing quite as nauseating as when somebody who is aggressive and disrespectful towards also attempts to convince you that they care. It’s such an insult to the concept of caring. But, when you’re in the reality distorted fantasy world of the Narcissist, wherein people like David are great workers, everything is bass ackwards. At this point, I didn’t persist. I knew that resistance would be futile. And while I did leave the conversation feeling gross, I also took with me the sweet satisfaction that comes with having one’s gut feeling validated. I wasn’t crazy. These people really were nuts. As a result, my next off day I took advantage of the extra amount of time by using it to fill out other job applications. Luckily for me, the pressure to run for dear life was lifted only weeks after Doug and I’s interaction when I got a text from David informing me that he was fired by Doug’s boss. The reason was due to somebody calling in and saying David had been coming into work high. David did indeed smoke weed, so when he was asked he take a drug test which resulted in his termination. Apparently, I wasn’t the only one who was sick of David. About a week later I met the old manager who held the position prior to David, who David so harshly criticized. This meant I had a chance to see if this guy was really the lazy jerk David had claimed he was. Sure enough, David was wrong. In fact there was absolutely not even the tiniest hint of truth to what David had told me. This manager was great! He was warm, friendly and worked really hard. When I asked him how often David had to unload the truck his reply was, “I always unloaded the truck. I only made David cut melons and make Salads.” Post Mortem (I am not a victim) After I finally reached the end of what felt like an infinite maze-like gauntlet of hellacious psychological torture, I was still in a wretched state for some time. Long after the abusive episodes had ended, I experienced nightmares, insomnia, and obsessive thoughts that circled back around the painful memories like moths being attracted to a bug zapper. Perhaps the most tragic thing about being psychologically tortured for many years is that the abuser(or abusers) becomes internalized. Internalization is the process by which the attitudes, values, standards and opinions of others is integrated into one's own sense of identity. It happens automatically and undoing this can take many years. When these introjects become activated it feels nearly as unpleasant as if the abuser were present. The healing process has been long and arduous, but I have made great strides. I often experience my mind as quite, calm and peaceful. Overall, I’d say I’m doing quite well. At the end of it all, I also had many questions answered. With all of David and Doug’s lies being exposed, my gut feelings were validated, which reminded me to take my internal alarm system more seriously. However there was one question that still remained, one that I may never be able to answer... Did I Encounter a Sociopath? It’s a question that occasionally appears in my mind when I recall these dreadful memories. It often is coupled with other questions such as, given the fact that I’m not a mental health professional how could I know? How do you figure out if one is a sociopath? What kind of behavior would give a this man away? Would it be his blatant hostility and selfishness he displayed towards customers and vendors? Would it be his grandiose and deranged self image as was displayed when declaring himself as a movie expert? Would it be his willingness to steal company money by choosing to skip work the majority of the time while on a salary? His willingness to manipulate people? Was it his sadism? Would it be his chronic lying, which were not just mild lies, but lies which had absolute no grounding in reality or plausibility whatsoever? Mind you, I’m being generous by omitting other examples just for the sake of brevity. In my amateur opinion, I would like to make the case that actually, none of these examples would be sufficient. This opinion is informed by a book I read on the subject entitled “The Sociopath Next” by Martha Stout. According to Martha stout the number one way to tell if someone is a sociopath or untrustworthy, is not a facial expression or an odd subtlety in the way they look at you, but rather it is repeatedly doing egregious things followed by an appeal to sympathy. This was precisely the very tactic which was deployed when David used the story of his “poor Mother in the hospital” directly after the incident wherein he influenced Doug to scold me and left the building. Not to mentioned the ominous creeped out feeling I experienced around the man. I personally think that it’s extremely likely this man was a sociopath and I’m not exaggerating for effect in the way some people do simply because they’re upset. But again, I’ll never know for sure, so whatever the case may be, all there’s room for is speculation. And because of this, it will never be an urgent priority of mine to explore this line of thinking any further. There are too many wonders and opportunities that my future holds to focus my attention on anything less. I’m worth it.

I appreciate that. It's something that I'll have to stay aware of as I have done it and am capable of doing it still.

Hi, thanks for taking the time to watch my video. To borrow from wiki Psychological manipulation is a type of social influence that aims to change the perception or behavior of others through underhanded, deceptive, or even abusive tactics.[1] By advancing the interests of the manipulator, often at another's expense, such methods could be considered exploitative, abusive, devious, and deceptive. Thus, if you are simply expressing your emotions, feeling your emotions, and communicating your genuine feelings, without having the sole purpose of communicating, verbally or nonverbally, that you are upset in order to change the behavior or perceptions of others, then you probably aren't being manipulative.

I hope you like it, please share!

That was a really fascinating, albiet heartbreaking story of what you had to endure. I think your change in behavior would certainly fall under a coping strategy which was really helpful. Had you, for what ever reason, took on the role of a scapegoat, I would imagine the defiance would have resulted in more harm. I think your coping strategy and the isolation, while not an ideal situation, possibly could have been a protective factor with hindsight. Thank you so much for sharing and taking the time to read my post! Best Wishes -Joel Well, for what it's worth I think its great how you managed to retain that awareness. I'm also super glad that you found my post valuable. Thank you for taking the time to read! Take care. -Joel

I actually wrote an article about this you might find interesting! https://board.freedomainradio.com/topic/43506-why-are-we-different-protective-factors-family-roles-and-the-guilty-conscience/

​Why Are We Different? Protective Factors, Family Roles, and the Guilty Conscience. By Joel Patterson There’s an incredibly compelling question, one that is often asked by those who are going through the process of self actualization, which is “Why me? Why have I retained my curiosity as well as this seemingly rare ability to observe myself from the third eye, to self examine, self analyse, to self critique and as a result grow accordingly. And not only that, why have I retained my authentic Self, the aspect of my personality that hasn’t developed as a result of trauma, to the extent that I am willing to make nurturing my True Self a priority of utmost importance?” This is especially pertinent for those who have siblings that have eschewed the path toward psychological growth, who’s choice might give rise to the equally interesting flip side of the original question that is, “Why not them?” Why do they avoid self reflection as if It were a plague? Perhaps, due to the sheer enormity of the combination of events and decisions that shape our personalities throughout the years, many of which being forever lost to the sands of time and inaccessible to conscious memory, that this question will remain unanswerable and thus, doesn’t deserve an obsessive level of thought, much like unfruitful questions like, “are we alone in the universe?” or “who built stonehenge?” Or, perhaps not. Perhaps the question isn't that difficult to answer and does not require a mile high catalog that documents every personality shaping experience of our life since we were in the womb. In addition, perhaps there are ways of answering the question that are necessarily speculative, yet good enough. To demonstrate what I mean, let's look at a real live speculative account to the real live difficult question of how life originated. By definition nobody was around to document what happened, so many details revolving around this event are forever lost. For example, we do not know exactly what chemical materials were abundant on earth, but some plausible possibilities are water, carbon dioxide, methane, and ammonia, all of which are simple compounds known to be present on some of the other planets in our Solar System. In the lab, researches have put these substances in flasks and supplied a source of energy, like electric sparks or ultraviolet light in order to imitate the chemical conditions of the young earth. The result after a few weeks of this is usually a brown soup containing molecules more complex than the original ones, even one of the great two biological molecules- amino acids, the building blocks of proteins. What these experiments tell us about the origin of life is that processes analogous to this must have given rise to the so called 'primeval soup', which is what constituted our seas nearly four thousand million years ago. In other words, however amino acids arose naturally, they most likely arose in an environment wherein volcanoes, sunlight, thundery weather and an atmosphere containing a few simple gases were present. The key take away principle from this example, which we shall use to help answer the question "why did we come out of our childhoods with our true Self relatively intact compared to our siblings", is that the existence of our ‘True Self’ implies the presence of specific factors in our childhoods that must have been conducive to its growth and/or preservation, much in the same way the existence of amino acids implies the presence of elements which make the existence of amino acids possible. Thus, the question then becomes, what might those factors be that either preserve or erode the True Self? First, we know for sure that what is called the “False Self”, a fragmented personality, develops from significant caregiver abandonment, neglect, and abuse(abuse.) In other words, it is these harmful factors that damage our authentic self. However, in the midst of even the most low nurturing environment, there are indeed little islands of experiences that provide protection, warmth, relief and hope that can also leave a lasting impact growing up. These experiences are known as Protective Factors. I was first exposed to the idea of protective factors by John Bradshaw having mentioned it in his book, “Healing the Shame that Binds You.” Here is a definition I found on the internet, “Protective factors are conditions or attributes (skills, strengths, resources, supports or coping strategies) in individuals, families, communities or the larger society that help people deal more effectively with stressful events and mitigate or eliminate risk in families and communities”. Simply reviewing and comparing the harmful and protective factors between yourself and siblings can be powerful tools to help answer “why we are different”, even without access to factors which preceded birth or are inaccessible to memory. I’ll demonstrate this by sharing a few examples from my own history. For instance, I have a sister who is a year and a day older than me. We couldn’t be more different now, although I do have positive memories of playing with her as a child. We did things like , build forts, play dress up, watch Disney films and collect Beanie Babies. Our favorite Beenie Babie was a Dachshund named Weenie because it reminded us of our actual pet Dachshund. He was the cause of much debate since we both owned a copy of him and at times we’d get them mixed up. Much to my heartbreak, this delightful playtime mostly came to a halt shortly after my sister began her first year of Kindergarden, leaving me to spend the vast majority of my days alone. This was even true when after she arrived home, as now she was not just my sister, but also a student and had the additional responsibilities of homework. Nothing was quite the same after this point and slowly but surely, like the continents we drifted further and further away from each other. Before adolescence was even over we connected about as much as you would connect with a neighbor you see in passing on your way to work. You might wave or even stop to ask how the day has been if you have time, but that is the extent of bonding that occurs in such an interaction. In addition to becoming more and more distant from each other, over time we became more and more distant from ourselves. What I mean by that is, our true authentic selves became usurped by rigid roles necessitated by the needs of the family system and thus, individuation was replaced by the need to balance the family system. To borrow directly from Psychologist John Bradshaw, “Families are social systems that follow organismic laws. The first law of social organisms is that the whole is greater than the sum of its parts. A family is defined by the interaction and interrelationships of its parts, rather than the sum of its parts. As social systems, families have components, rules, roles and needs that define the system. The chief component in the family system is the marriage. If the marriage is healthy and functional, the family will be healthy and functional. When the chief component of a system is dysfunctional, the whole system is thrown out of balance. When the system is out of balance, another law comes into play: the law of dynamic homeostasis. This is the law of balance. Dynamic homeostasis means that whenever a part of the system is out of balance, the rest of the members of the system will try to bring it back to balance. The children in dysfunctional families take on rigid roles necessitated by the family’s need for balance. For example, if a child is not wanted , he or she will try to balance the family by not being any trouble, by being helpful perfect, super responsible or invisible. This is the Lost Child role.” Another example given by John Bradshaw is of the child named Ralph, whose role was to be the family Star of Hero. Ralph super achieved to give his shame-based, alcoholic father a sense of dignity. As Ralph’s father became more and more alcoholic, he eventually abandoned his children. Because the family had no marriage, Ralph became his mother’s surrogate spouse. Another common role is that of the Scapegoat, the purpose of which is to lessen the pain all the members are in. Usually the most sensitive family member ‘takes on’ this role when the fear, hurt loneliness of the shame in a dysfunctional family reaches high levels of intensity. Later on in this example, Ralph became the scapegoat due to his active alcoholism in his teen years, but eventually repented and went into the ministry. As a result, the role of Scapegoat went to his younger brother, Max. To borrow John Bradshaw’s words again “Max started his drinking and running away at age fifteen. Max’s first major disappearance was for four days, winding up on a beach in New Orleans. As his bizzare runaways continued, the family focused more and more on him. By discussing and obsessing on Max, everyone in the family system could avoid their own pain. Max became like the sacrificial goat in the Jewish atonement ritual. In the ritual the goat is smeared with blood and sent into the desert. In this way the scapegoat atones for the people’s sins. Max became the sacrificial goat. He literally went to his death carrying the shame of several generations of his family.” As we can see, roles in a dysfunctional family have a profound impact on our psychological development and influence so many of the decisions we make throughout life. The skills and behaviors a person learns who spent the vast majority of his childhood as the Hero will be quite different from the specialized behaviors of the Lost Child and the childhood of the ‘Scapegoat’ will be very different from both of these. In addition, because these roles get imprinted and ‘assigned’ to children unconsciously, without intervention and self knowledge one can operate under the premise of “balancing the family system” and thus, still be living their life within their family role well into adulthood like Max. We also saw with the tragic case of Max that, not all roles are equally detrimental. It is here that I want to go back to the question, “Why are we different?, and apply the information we do have available to us about Family Roles and Protective factors to my own history in an attempt to give a decent answer. Remember, this is necessarily speculative since there’s no way of me knowing the intricate details of how my sister and I might have been raised differently as infants, so I’m aiming for a “good enough” answer allowed by such limitations. This is not hard proof. My sister undeniably, due to the needs of the family system, filled the role of the Star or Hero. From elementary to high school, she did gymnastics, played soccer, ran cross country, played piano, played clarinet, sang in choir, made straight A’s, twirled her batton and flag in the color guard, was a girl scout, excelled in swimming lessons, wrote poetry, made beautiful drawings. I, on the other hand, filled the role of the invisible Lost Child. I felt like a net negative to the family, especially in comparison to my sister, so I spent the majority of my time alone, in my room with video games. This was my plea to be allowed to exist. If I did ever make my presence known, it would only be by being helpful and “good”(obedient). Thus, while we lived under the same roof and shared the same DNA, we lived very different lives. With hindsight, I believe I got the better end of the stick. Not to say any of these dysfunctional roles are ideal, but between the two, I wouldn’t have had it any other way besides being the Lost Child. The Hero entails, besides the benefits of adulation and attention, more parental involvement and more interaction with peers. This sounds like it would be a protective factor, but in my view it was the opposite. My mother was incredibly toxic and many of the kids that my sister had to interact with, who were also Stars, through sports were not bastions of acceptance and authenticity. Being around such kids demanded much more conformity and self erasure. Because of this, being around these types of people probably increased the risk of being bullied, making it a harmful factor. I, on the other hand, was spared from interacting with these people. Video games did not hold high expectations of me, did not demand conformity, and was not critical. In other roles, I could be authentic in front of the TV in ways my sister couldn’t be around my mother or those other social groups. I know this because the older we got, the less I could be my authentic self around her and she had to have learned this meanness from somewhere. I’ll never forget the day when she told me to “Shut up.” when I was 5 or so. I had never heard these words come out her mouth before. This bullying only worsened over time, which brings me to another risk factor that erodes the true self, which is a guilty conscious. Another key factor between siblings, which I think is worth exploring when trying to answer the question, “why have I retained my true, authentic, curious self and they haven’t?”, is our moral decisions. Granted, I don’t think you can assign too much moral responsibility to children who are in a state of nature and who trying to survive. However, when somebody is persistently cruel well into adulthood, by the time that person reaches adulthood, the cost of self reflection becomes that much greater. Especially when there is a guilty conscience. Self actualization for the guilty conscience then involves the painful act of looking behind you at the trail of destruction you and hurt you have inflicted on others as well as the lies you’ve told yourself. And because humans and cost/benefit analysis machines, if the costs of that kind of self reflection are that painful, then such a person is far less likely to want to change. To recap, we started this piece with the goal of discovering a way to find a satisfying answer to the question, “Why are we different?” Or more specifically, “How did our true selves survive and with all of its compassion and curiosity, while others apparently did not?”. We set about this task accepting the limitations of not knowing every single variable. I then suggested a speculative answer that involves a combination of factors. One being risk factors- this might have been a traumatic event such as a molestation or other stressors such as divorce . The second being protective factors, which are things which help mitigate the effects of these stressors-you might have had a close relationship with a benevolent aunt and spent an awful time with her, while your sibling did not ) We also looked at family roles and how these roles fundamentally change each sibling’s experience of the family and how some roles can be inherently more or less harmful to the long term mental health of the child. Finally, we looked at the conscience and how a guilty conscious and how avoiding guilt could play a huge influence in our choice to self reflect or not. To borrow a quote from Stefan Molyneux, “It is always better than to have harm done unto you than to do harm to others because the victim can always recover, whilst the perpetrator cannot.” Because we’ve all had unique experiences, the answers we will discover will vary, which is why I hoped to provide tools for discovery above all else that would help other come to a satisfying answer of their own. I hope this has been of value and if so, please share. Also, if you like what I wrote here, you might also enjoy some of my videos on my new youtube channel called Becoming Untangled. https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCq60FZi48OeHw_TfZP1aGww As always, thank you for taking the time to read. Take Care, -Joel

Hey, Marshal! That sounds good to me. Feel free to Skype me too. My name is Joeljoelis.

If I may answer the question too, I was so engaged by and focused on the topic that I didn't notice any verbal ticks.

I appreciate you taking the time to watch, Dermot!

You're welcome. I appreciate your support! Thank you for watching!

It is something I've talked about often in my writing, but often with the assumption that my audience knows what Narcissism is. Here is a video I made starting from scratch to make clear what I mean when I use that word.

Hi, Logan! Welcome to the boards . It's a pleasure to meet you too. I certainly can understand how lonely it can be, especially being an Atheist/Anarchist in the south, I live right next to you in Huntsville, Alabama. I curious how you found Freedomainradio?

It kind of reminds of of Sam Harris' book The End of Faith. It starts off with a very strong critique of religion in the first half of the book and then the solution in the second half is to call for a world government.

Hey, I appreciate your feedback. I certainly am not as mature as I'd like to be, but I'm working towards it Hey, Crallask. Great question. I'm not entirely sure what a meaningful definition of adulthood would be, but I do have the sense that it would involve having ones special childhood needs met. Here is a perspective that I think contains some useful information that might move us closer to an answer. http://sfhelp.org/gwc/maturity.htm. http://sfhelp.org/parent/d_needs.htm I think games are fun and have been playing Knights of the Old Republic recently. So, no it can't have anything to do with that. Just kidding, I think that it's likely that some people attempt to meet unmet needs through video games, i.e video game addiction. This is the essence of addiction. Thanks for your feed back.

I thought it was kinda funny.

While I was waiting to get my car fixed today, I decided to spend my waiting time by walking through a nearby shopping mall that was located just across the street. Walking through shopping malls is something I do quite regularly and I'm not sure why. There's something about the atmosphere that seems to promote contemplation within me as I feel like I'm viewing things through the unfamiliar and analytical lense of an anthropologist who's just visited an foreign society. Or, now that I think of it, it could have more to do with viewing things through eyes that have went through the permanent corrective laser surgery operation of philosophy. Either way, I made a startling connection while I was in a store called FYE. FYE, for those who don't know is a store that sells a vast variety of CD's, DVD's and electronic accessories. Or, at least that's half of what fills the shelves. The other half is merchandise which consists of things like collectible figures, pillows, key chains, etc, of movie and tv characters like Batman and Freddy Krueger. In other words, it's a freakin toy store and that's what really jolted my fascination, and not just that it's a toy store, but that it is a toy store essentially for adults, as the people I normally see in there are teens and adults. I never really thought much about it before, but now that I think about it, that's actually rather strange since toys are essentially something that is ideally replaced with more fulfilling and challenging endeavors that require so much more creativity and work. Not that I'm saying adults shouldn't play, but merely that the way in which we play should change and adjust to accommodate our psychological growth. Then a depressing thought crossed my mind, which is that people, psychologically, just aren't growing. It's not a new thought, but it is an idea that I think really made the transition from something that I "got" in my head to something that I felt deep within the marrow of my bones and in my heart. I got goosebumps and even was on the verge of tears, knowing that what I was beholding was the market essentially adjusting to meet unmet childhood needs and fatherless homes that have left people in a perpetual state of adolescence. This is very consistent with the statistics of how many people suffer from adverse childhood experiences, which can be found of acestudy.org. In addition, I'm reminded of an observation that philosopher Stefan Molyneux made in his popular podcast Why Men Don't Want to get Married. The observation was that, as a result of men being in the humiliating position of being told lies through the anti male propaganda that comes from modern feminism that portrays single mother's as competent and heroic, while fathers and men are at best an optional burden, men have opted to forgo marriage all together. As a result, the market has adjusted to the propaganda, since men have more disposable income that they're not spending on a family, which is why you see so much porn and other stuff which escapes my memory. Possibly, the knife shop that I saw in the mall that sells an arsenal of impractical blades and weapons like swords and ninja stars, which had a sign outside the door that said "It's simple. Buy him a knife. Dad's dig knifes." Presumably, because men are just such simple, medieval minded creatures? Another factor possibly involved with the abundant number of toys could be the growing number of consumers who are buying, or watching for free, digital media on the internet. But, that would make another discussion altogether. In conclusion, this experience has certainly opened my heart towards those who have been damned to the limbo of perpetual adolescence as well as strengthened my own determination to grow in order to thrive above and to experience a life that transcends what tragically seems to be the psychological growth ceiling in today's society..

Right, right. I can certainly relate to that. The Stef quote and unfortunately the yelling. I'm glad you're doing much better! I hope you're able to enjoy that too! Thanks for commenting

I made a little game to play to help process the concepts. How did I do?

I agree. Self generated self worth, pride, respect, and motivation to take care of one's self are all essential aspects of individuation and healthy development.

I'm glad to hear you're doing much better! I can relate to some degree with using the me+ strategy of adding sexual attractiveness and vivaciousness to the self in order to feel valuable. My old shirtless myspace selfies are a great testimant to this.

The Narcissist's incessant hunt to acquire narcissistic supply is an exhausting full time job. Narcissistic supply, simply put, is any kind of attention that provides the narcissist with a feeling of power and self worth. This supply as essential to the Narcissist's mental equilibrium as alcohol is to an alcoholic. It is an addiction that arises from early abuse and neglect since abuse damages centers of the brain involved with processing endorphins and dopamine, which are essential for functions like emotional pain reduction and motivation. This hunger, like all addictions, is insatiable and thus requires a lifelong time commitment. In addition to the excruciating amount of work that is inherent to this hunt and gather campaign, because the Narcissist cannot admit his shortcomings, cognitive dissonance is the default state of his mind and so he also needs to exert copious amounts of mental energy towards the impossible task of sustaining a plethora of reality distortions. You see, he isn't a primitive, barely functioning, developmentally stunted, fragmented shell of a personality compared to what a human being's potential actually is. Neither his abusive outbursts nor his violent mood swings are symptoms of a traumatized brain, damaged by severe childhood abuse and neglect. No, these are not indications of dysfunction within the mind, but rather, these are unfortunate by products of a superior mind. Similarly, If a Lamborghini cannot make certain maneuvers, such as quick 90 degree turns, it isn't because the steering wheel and brakes are damaged, it's because the car is always going so much faster than the Subaru or Mitsubishi and not to mention with so much more style and finesse. Or at least, that's what the narcissist tells himself, regardless if those other cars specialize in rally racing.. Redefining vices as virtues and turning shortcomings into badges of honor on a round the clock basis might sound inconceivable hard, but actually it's quite doable and that's where you come in. As long as you are within close proximity of the Narcissist, he will attempt to offload work of sustaining his contradictory fantasies onto you. Carrying the weight of falsehood is much easier if you can get others to support them. Whether its by desperately putting himself at the center of attention in every interaction by talking louder than everyone else, constantly fishing for compliments, bragging about his achievements so that you notice his brilliance, 1-uping you with condescending put downs disguised as jokes, he will find away to bring the interaction full circle back to him until the crumbling pillars of his ego is shored up. These kind of interactions are incredibly draining to the target and it is for this reason that there has never been a more appropriate metaphor for the narcissist than mythical Vampire. That which we don't acknowledge within ourselves we recreate in others and it is during these kind of interactions that the Narcissist transmits their exhaustion to us. During these interactions wherein we feel the vitality sucked out of us, I believe, we are experiencing for a moment what the Narcissist avoids feeling within himself. In addition to feeling exhausted, I also get a sense of sheer helplessness from these people. The emotional reaction I have is similar to how I feel when a perfectly decent looking individual wears about a gallon of make up and perfume in an attempt to either feel attractive, hide a physical flaw which they perceive will be a source of ridicule, provoke envy or maybe a combination of all three and something I haven’t mentioned all together. Either way, the excess of extra junk on their face and body makes it really difficult to connect as it is incredibly distracting. I get this huge urge to convince the other person that they, ” look fine without the makeup! If anything, your attempts to fix yourself through makeup is making you uglier Could you please not wear so much perfume, it smells really bad. It's giving me a headache!”. This is shortly followed by the despair of knowing that such an attempt is futile. An even more grim example is that of the people who end up mutating themselves from humans into gargoyles through plastic surgery addiction. Similarly when somebody piles on huge layers of achievement and character traits, such as intelligence, through obsessive boasting, which they perceive will make them more attractive, it’s incredibly distracting and if anything, makes the person uglier. Alas, there is no external solution to the problem of insecurity, whether that external solution applied to the self by the self or imposed from the outside.