Three

I think what's left me the most contemplative after my first day at the new job were the lectures on workplace abuse. It started with a video of two men sexually harassing a woman. At first, this left me a bit annoyed. I wasn't annoyed because I don't sympathize with sexual harassment victims, especially having been one myself. I was annoyed because I feared that this would be the main type of abuse that would be focused on. There are so many less obvious forms of abuse, such as ambient abuse, that can be just as destructive simply because they are so difficult to identify and consequently, difficult to take action against. This is important to me because I've been on the receiving end of this kind of cruelty. It has left me with occasional nightmares and insomnia. I also have had numerous jobs which have shown similar instructional videos and espoused "open door policies", but when it came to taking action on those ideals, nobody stuck to their word. The only thing those videos, from my perspective, were good at in the past were prohibiting men from sexually harassing women, and excusing everything else. For instance, at my old job, my last general manager urged that I inform her about any inappropriate behavior on the part of an evening assistant manager. Her reason was because, “He’s gotten so many customer complaints and even a sexual harassment complaint against him.” Shortly after this, I started regularly working a morning shift with an incredibly narcissistic woman who was around the age of 24. The majority of her sentences had something to do with her. “I should have gotten something besides an English degree!”(notice how she can complain and brag at the same time.) She would also play the know-it-all card by critiquing from her arm-chair(or should I say throne) the ‘foolish construction men’ who decided to build the new Dunkin Donuts on the other side of the Street, rather than next to our building. After all, building the Dunkin Donuts next to our building would give customers the ability to drive into the Donut Store from two sides instead of one, since the store would be on the corner end of the road. It’s just sooo obvious. I mean, hell, why stop there. Why not put two Dunkin Donuts down there, with one right across the street from the other. That way customers could drive there from 4 sides. I mean it's just sooo obvious. Boy, I feel smart. But, I digress. This same woman would also demean new hires by speaking to them with a condescending tone. “I was doing fine until she got here!” The new hire pleaded to me one day(who was a male ). This woman then walked over to our general manager's desk, who can hear everything, and groaned in a self pitying manner typical of narcissists that simultaneously absolves them of any responsibility, “I just don’t know how to not talk to him like he’s five!” It was at that moment I decided to speak up. I know I would have wanted somebody to do this for me, so I approached her and asked “have you tried looking at any communication skills websites online?” “I already tried that!”, She retorted. Obviously this was a lie and if it were true then she should know that it’s really important how you communicate as much as what you communicate. If I scream at you,”NICE SHIRT!!” it’s not going to be received well , regardless if I just gave you a compliment. My next response was, “have you tried therapy?” She then went on to explaining how there’s no excuse due to how long the new hire had been there. He should have “gotten it by now”. I tried again by pointing out that what she’s doing wasn’t working either and in fact making things worse since she’s stressing him out. She repeated herself and it was at that point I walked off. Now, of course, my goal was not to change this woman. But, I couldn’t stand that this was going on and nobody was speaking out against it. I did it because I felt it was the right thing to do. She later went on to tell me that I was right and that it took guts to stand up to her(notice how again her humility is still bragging). I mean, if you can't even get the concept called "being nice" down pat, a concept which most five year olds have mastered, then I'm not sure how your in any position to be condescending. The reason I mention this woman is to point out that this is the same person who made the sexual harassment charge against the male night shift manager. This means that the general manager had no problem with a woman demeaning and humiliating a new hire, to the point of provoking rage, but a sexual harassment complaint, which was probably a lie according to many of the employees, is enough reason to terminate the man. This I find incredibly sexist and offensive. Let’s reverse things to put this into perspective. How would you feel if a male manager said nothing to a male employee after he whipped his johnson out in front of a female employee, but then you find out a female employee was written up by that same manager for speaking to people in a demeaning tone? Back to my first day, the next two videos I watched very much addressed my initial anxieties. These videos and lectures thankfully included a wide variety of subtle, more passive forms of disrespect, including condescending tone. There were even videos I related to so much I found them difficult to watch. The trainer went so far as to stress that even rolling your eyes while somebody is talking will not be tolerated. Because of these safeguards, I experience a level of comfort and security at work that I never have before. To finally be in a workplace that’s professional and respectful after all of these years of running through the gamut of bad bosses, is such a relief that I can’t even begin to describe. The flip side of this relief is also much grief and anger. In other words, the videos had a de-normalizing effect on me. You know when Stef gives listeners feedback such as, “that should not have happened, I’m so sorry”, he’s doing this to de-normalize that experience and to activate anger. While watching these videos, I felt as though I was receiving a similar message, something akin to, “All those times at work when you doubted yourself after being bullied? /you were actually right. These people shouldn’t have treated you as they did.” In other words, I was being validated. Now these memories have made the transition from foggy uncertainty to being officially bad memories that are worthy of grief. So, many of my past co-workers and employees would have been fired or written up if they exhibited the kind of behavior I mentioned earlier at my current job. Now, I now have certainty and with it comes sweet, rich, and just anger. And the future is looking bright because now, after being exposed to such high standards, I know for sure what’s appropriate behavior at work and it will be that much easier to push back against people’s crazy. Especially, since at this company, to push back would be swimming with the current.

Hey, Marlon and MMX. I appreciate your feedback. Here's another comparison by Pete Gerlach I thought you guys might find useful. ​ Here's the link http://sfhelp.org/gwc/compare.htm. Common True Self Behavioral Traits __ Alert, awake, aware __ Generally "up" and "light," (mood) __ Usually realistically optimistic __ Focused, clear, and centered __ Compassionate, kind, forgiving __ Firm, strong, confidant, purposeful __ Calm, serene, peaceful __ Usually has a wide-angle, long-range focus - accepts delayed gratification __ Balances long and short-term payoffs __ Usually patient, persistent, committed __ Appreciative, grateful, "glass half-full" __ Empathic, sensitive, genuinely respectful __ Spiritually open, aware, "connected," receptive, growing __ Consistently self-nurturing without egotism __ Genuine, honest, open, direct __ Respectfully assertive __ Socially engaged and active __ Physically healthy: balanced diet, exercise, work and rest; gets preventive checkups __ Spontaneously expressive of all emotions real-time, without major anxiety or guilt __ Able to form genuine bonds with others __ Able to judge who to dis/trust with what __ Realistically self-responsible __ Usually realistic about life and situations __ Spontaneously able to exchange love __ Comfortable receiving merited praise __ Often able to forgive self and others __ Frequently maintains a two-person "awareness bubble" __ Seldom gives double messages __ Able to grieve losses spontaneously __ Seeks Self-guided people and high-nurturancesettings __ Evolving and living a clear life purpose __ Work, play, and rest are generally balanced Common False-self Behavioral Traits __ Fuzzy, distracted, confused, numb __ Often "heavy," "down," gloomy, manic __ Usually pessimistic or idealistic __ Confused, vague, unable to stay focused __ Blaming, critical, bigoted __ Indecisive, worried, cautious, doubtful __ "Upset," scared, angry, guilty, ashamed __ Usually has a narrow, short-term focus __ Usually seeks immediate gratification __ Often impatient, impulsive, uncommitted __ Bitter, jealous, resentful, "glass half empty" __ Selfish, arrogant, disrespectful __ Spiritually unaware, skeptical, closed, scornful, or uninterested __ Consistently self-neglectful __ Dishonest, indirect, sly, controlling __ Timid and apologetic, or aggressive __ Isolated or compulsively social __ Physically unhealthy; relies on prescribed drugs or self-medication __ Anxious, guilty, or blocked about feeling and/orexpressing some or all emotions __ Difficulty forming true (vs. pseudo) bonds __ Difficulty discerning who to trust with what __ Notably over- or under-responsible __ Frequent distortions and denials __ Difficulty giving and/or receiving real love __ Uncomfortable receiving merited praise __ Difficulty forgiving self and/or others __ Often focuses only on her/himself or a conversational partner - 1-person "bubble" __ Often gives double messages __ Difficulty grieving on one to three levels __ Unconsciously prefers wounded people and low-nurturance settings __ Unclear on or indifferent to a life purpose __ Work, play, and rest are often unbalanced

Hey, Carly. Thank you for taking the time to read and reply. I'm really sorry to hear about your parents. That must have been horrendous and I really do sympathize. You deserved better than that. I can relate to what you said about discarding journal entries. Out of shame, I too discarded my journal entries that I wrote in 2011. And good for you! I think it is really impressive what all you're doing and have accomplished , especially since facing these truths are so difficult. Again, thank you for your support. Best Wishes, Joel

Have you ever heard of Histrionic Personality Disorder?During a conversation I had recently with a friend about my mother, one of the things he pointed out to me when I was describing her was that she always needed to be the center of attention like somebody who was histrionic. For example, if I walked around the corner and startled her, she would literally gasp or shout off the top of her lungs. This kind of overreacting was incredibly anxiety provoking, annoying, and often enraging. She'd express herself in such an over the top way as if she was trying to be heard by the person who was sitting at the very back of the worlds largest theater. Maybe that's why one of her favorite actors was Nicolas Cage? Anyway, so I thought I'd look more into it. about this and found a video which makes a distinction between Narcissistic Personality Disorder and Histrionic Personality Disorder.(again, I'm no expert. I understand that these labels describe traits which are symptoms of abuse and trauma ) One of the things mentioned in the video which struck me as interesting was that often histrionics, especially female, will incessantly sexualize things or bring the conversation to something sexual, since that's such an easy way to get attention.I then was reminded of a girl I almost got romantically involved with years ago who would do just that. If the topic was about a massage she'd mention that her "massages have been said to be arousing"Later, when she talked about a night she had at the club, she moved the focus to how other guys made comments about her butt. "I'm just so tired of being objectified!", she protested. To which I facetiously minimized by saying, " It's okay, they're not objectifying you. They're objectifying your ass." (I still think that was pretty funny.)This then prompted the essential quesiton, "why was this woman in my life?"Given the fact that our relationship with our parents impact future romantic relationships, and that my mom was incredibly attention seeking, it made sense that this kind of woman would be in my life. Not only that, but my mother would sexualize things as well. I remember one 4th of July she and her sisters wore one of these obnoxiously tacky bikini t-shirts. They would do poses by sticking their butts out and it was really awkward. They did this in front of me a just laughed at my shocked expression. Anyway this is knew to me, so that's all I have for today. The introduction of new words brings light to things which would otherwise have been invisible to me.

Thank you both again for taking the time to reply. Lux, I had no idea that there were so many dimensions to improv. I knew the saying yes rule and that was about it. I'm thinking about how many times my wit has failed me in the moment only to reveal something brilliant long after that critical moment. This can be extremely frustrating, but I'm positive that I fog or go blank due to the fact that as a child I was punished for saying something quick witted. My mom was incredibly insecure about her own intelligence and would attack and undermine disagreements because to her they were like ,"one upmen ships." She was like that with humor as well. After I'd say something clever, she'd come back like a few minutes later with something to put it down. My blank moments are probably protector parts who think they are still in that bad environment. Trav, I was really amazed. I also have made a few discoveries about what could be influencing these people. The first being is that I'm approaching them with fear. Fear does provoke cruelty. And regarding the discrepancy earlier, in my childhood . As a child I couldnt judge my environment objectively, so the possibility of my parents being sadistic had to be pushed aside with a focus on myself.So, if someone bullies me for my clothes or face, I internalize, "my looks are a source of bullying, i must fix it." this focuses my energy more on "fixing" me, rather than pushing back. Which opens the gates to more abuse. this podcast is relevant in so many ways. This gentleman experienced bullying at work too.

In a recent youtube video entitled How Not to Fight Evil Stef said, “Hundreds of thousands of children are not getting hit as a result of listening to this show.” This is an incredibly powerful statement. However, then Stef added to this sentence, “to give a rough estimate.” What I would like to propose is a way that think would render statements like this even more impactful.I would like to propose a way which would allow Stef and others to show these success stories rather than just tell others about them. A way that would no longer require us to look for these scattered stories across the board. A place where they were all organized and more immediate and accessible. Consider this, why does Stef post on facebook success stories he’s received? He does this to motivate, to hype people up, to excite others into taking action and to celebrate other’s achievements. What a better way to do that than with a testimonial page. A page that is fully dedicated to spreading other’s enthusiam and exciting others in this way. And think of how much this would be enhanced with the inclusion of picture, photos, information about the person, and youtube videos. I take Grant Cardone’s Testimonial page as inspiration for this. http://www.grantcardone.com/testimonials/And the potential doesn’t stop there. Imagine the following statement becoming a regular phrase in stef’s vocabulary “ This month we went from 500 to 1000 testimonials and the page just keeps growing. Please show your support by sharing videos, donating money, and writing in the testimonial section so others can see how philosophy is having an impact on others. Real empirical proof people. Just take a look for yourself.”Think of how many more people would be incentivized to send in compliments and their own stories now that their success would be given an audience. Think of the last time you read a testimonial stef posted on facebook and thought to yourself, “ah, man. I wish that was mine.” Or let me say it this way, if you knew that your testimonial was guaranteed an audience of thousands, that it was guaranteed that stef would share your story on his facebook page and that you would partake in motivating others to your example, would you? Plus, we already know this would be valuable. Think of how much people already enjoy the success stories. Think of how many likes these stories get on facebook. It’s already been demonstrated that people find this stuff fascinating. The last one about a gentlemen quitting marijuana got over 150 likes and 65 comments! I’d love to see this implemented. What do you think? Do you see this as something worth doing? Any concerns or objections? I’d love to hear your feedback!

“Thus, from the war of nature, from famine and death, the most exalted object which we are capable of conceiving, namely, the production of the higher animals, directly follows. There is grandeur in this view of life, with its several powers, having been originally breathed into a few forms or into one; and that, whilst this planet has gone cycling on according to the fixed law of gravity, from so simple a beginning endless forms most beautiful and most wonderful have been, and are being, evolved.” - Charles Darwin Check it out! I found this beautiful memorabilia on top of the mountains the other day. That’s right, the mountains, which used to be underwater. (maybe the shell isn't that old, but it makes no difference to what I want to share here.) I went for a hike through one of Monte Sano’s many trails. It was quite exciting for me since I had never been on this particular path before. It had an untamed quality that I really liked, it barely resembled a trail at all. Every few feet I would have to duck and dodge large spider webs that blocked the walkway, which I would often only notice once it was right in front of my face. Another indication of how long it had been since anyone had walked this trail. It was very serene, a stark and very much welcome contrast to the work environments I spent most of my time in throughout the summer. It was a great compliment to the massage a had the day before. So, why am I holding this shell? Because I want to share with you what I see when I look at this shell. I want to go further than compliment its beauty by sharing something that I believe to be even more moving and that is the shell’s story. Science to me is not about cold dry facts, it is not merely interesting. It’s as touching as any sonnet or sonata. Science is poetry. follows is a Passage from Richard Dawkins’ book “The Greatest Show on Earth.” This is where I learned to write and I would highly recommend this book. “Short of rocketing into space, it is hard to imagine a bolder or more life-changing step than leaving the water for dry land. The two life-zones are different in so many ways that moving from one to the other demands a radical shift in almost all parts of the body. Gills that are good at extracting oxygen from water are all but useless in air, and lungs are useless in water. Methods of propulsion that are speedy, graceful and efficient in water are dangerously clumsy on land, and vise versa. No wonder ‘fish out of water’ and ‘like a drowning man’ have both become proverbial phrases. And no wonder ‘missing links’ in this region of the fossil record are of more than ordinary interest. If you go back far enough, everything lived in sea-watery, salty alma-mater of all life. At various points in evolutionary history, enterprising individuals from many animal groups moved out on to the land, sometimes eventually to the most parched deserts, taking their own private sea water with them in blood and cellular fluids. In addition to the reptiles, birds, mammals and insects we see all around us, other groups that succeeded in making the great trek out of life’s watery womb include scorpions, snails, crustaceans such as woodlice and land crabs, millipedes and centipedes, spiders and their kin, and at least three phyla or worms. And we mustn’t forget the plants, onlie begetters of usable carbon, without whose prior invasion of the land none of the migrations could have happened. ” -Richard Dawkins

Today, I had it all figured out. My routine was impeccable. First, I would have a killer work-out. Then I would clean my room. After that, I would make my way to cleaning the rest of the apartment. And this was to be done within the next 3 hours because it was at that time, I decided, I would go to the M & Y Chinese Massage to have a full body rub. All of this would be performed with machine like precision and accuracy. Once all of the boxes were checked off on my list, because there would be nothing left to do, I would spend the rest of the day experiencing the optimum level of rest and relaxation. Alas, none of this happened. Instead my morning routine was curtailed by my impulses, which drove me back to bed to watch a hilarious cartoon on youtube that I use to enjoy when I was younger called Ed Edd and Eddy. As a person who has a reasonable capacity for introspection, while I watched this show, I asked myself questions such as, “I wonder why I’m doing this? Why this show as opposed to anything else? What are you trying to show me?” Admittedly, I wasn’t at first so accepting of this resistance from my body. It was only after a number of failed attempts to force myself to work out and do chores that I came to my senses and decided to give up control. Especially since, come to think of it, that never works anyway. So, I humbly accepted the change and relaxed into the moment, with curiosity as my guide. For those who are not familiar with Ed Edd and Eddy, the cartoon, according to Wikipedia, “revolves around three adolescent boys, Ed Edd "Double Dee" , and Eddy, collectively known as "the Eds", who live in a suburban cul-de-sac. Under the unofficial leadership of Eddy, the trio constantly invent schemes to make money from their peers to purchase their favorite confectionery, jawbreakers. Their plans usually fail though, leaving them in various, often humiliating, predicaments.” One of the first things that struck my attention as interesting about this show was the writer’s decision not to include any parents. There’s never a single adult shown in this cartoon. Now, I’m aware of a popular online theory of this show, which says that, “the children are dead and live in purgatory, hence the lack of any real parents or adults”, to summarize briefly. But, to me that doesn’t make any sense because purgatory isn’t real. One of the main principles of rationally analyzing fiction is to interpret what the symbols and metaphors represent in the real world. It is to take the things that seem illogical when viewed literally, and interpret them in such a way that renders them logical. For example, let’s imagine the following scenario. I’m at the library studying physics, with an extremely naive friend who has difficulty understanding metaphors. After 30 minutes of intense thought about a particular problem, without any furthering in my understanding, I release my pent up frustration by exclaiming “the problem is over my head!” and my literal minded friend predictably looks above my head with a puzzled expression on his face and replies, “No, it’s not”. The best way not to explain what I meant to my confused comrade would be to use another metaphor and say, “What I mean is that this problem beats me”, because this again, literally makes no sense. This is the kind of error that the purgatory theory is making. It’s using a metaphor to explain a metaphor, which only creates the need to interpret another metaphor, an explanation of an explanation, and thus, makes things less clear. The purpose of an explanation make things more clear. So, what could not showing adults in this cartoon represent? Now, to be clear, the adults are there. In one episode, Edd’s parents leaves him sticky notes that tell him what chores to do. To quote Edd “It’s a hand written request from my father. We communicate through sticky notes.” One of the first thoughts that come to mind is that, when we have emotionally or physically absent parents, like double D, we grow up as lone wolves. We are left to learn about many essential lessons in life, such as sexuality or self protection, from the experience of our own initiative or from our peers. Some people might get by this way, but most are not so lucky and end up making huge mistakes. We need parents to guide and support us through life's major challenges and transitions. And living life as a lone wolf is only made possible by the parent’s inability, and lack of desire, to empathize with the child and to see the child as an autonomous individual with distinct thoughts, feelings, and preferences. If the parent could do this, it’s more likely that the parent would strive to connect and learn about the child’s preferences, since undoubtedly one of the preferences the child has is for the parent to take interest in her. Thus, when we live our life as though our parents do not exist in this way, it is because we fundamentally do not exist to our parents. It’s a very covert and passive form of abuse, but the impact it has on a child’s self esteem is catastrophic. Disinterest conveys the following messages, “you don’t matter, you are not important, you are not worth listening to and you don’t have anything to contribute to my life. I wish you were dead”, to name a few. And to belabor the point even further, let’s look at a passage about emotional engagement from an article called “The Six Major Signs of Divorce” by Sam Margulies from Psychology Today “2. Emotional Disengagement Emotional engagement is a minimum requirement for the development and maintenance of intimacy. Willing discussion of feelings, one's own feelings and the other's feelings are a part. Interest in the emotional life of the other and empathic engagement of each other's emotional life all constitute the required elements for an intimate relationship. 3. Disaffection Emotional engagement is generally accompanied by the withdrawal of affection. If your wife has disengaged emotionally from you she probably doesn't feel much love for you. Divorcing people commonly say that "they have fallen out of love." And depending on how sour the relationship has become one or both probably don't like each other very much.” So, if the minimum requirement for intimacy is not being met and the bare minimum amount of effort is not being put forth on the part of the parent to connect with his child, how is a child to cope or adapt to such a bleak environment? To accept the reality that his parents are devoid of any true love for him would be unbearable. In our evolutionary history, to have unreliable parents was synonymous with death, so that would be too terrifying. The answer is that the child blames himself. The child becomes to himself “bad” or flawed in some way. It is in this moment too, that the child enters into the me + paradigm of thinking which operates under the premise, “I’m not good enough as I am. I’m not loved just for me. So, I must make up for this deficiency by being more convenient, more funny, more intelligent, more talented or more helpful. Then, after these amends, mommy will open the gates to her heart and love me. ” As a result the child sentenced to a kind of purgatory, which is after all a “state of suffering inhabited by the souls of sinners who are expiating their sins before going to heaven.” In other words, purgatory is a metaphor for the state of suffering a child inhabits after being disregarding by her caregivers. Me + is a way to expiate the badness. Heaven is parental love. It’s an ineffably humiliating place to be. To be discarded, like rubbish. Perhaps then, it is no accident that humiliation is a recurring theme in the show. As the wikipedia article states that “their plans usually fail though, leaving them in various, often humiliating, predicaments”. Regardless, my goal is not to interpret Ed Edd and Eddy, but instead to once again raise consciousness to the subtle, yet grave impacts of covert abuse. With knowledge and courage we can steer our way through the fog to get back in touch with our authentic self. We’re worth it. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m1si68-P6sU Post Script- I also couldn't help but notice some of the sexual innuendo. This went over my head when I was younger. In one episode (fast forward to 16:10), when Edd approaches the Kanker sisters, who all have major cruches on the eds, to ask for a cup of sugar one of the girls says, " he wants to share condiments!" When Edd walks away with his face covered up by his black beany, the stooge Ed exclaims, "oh no, they tore off double d's head!" You could write an entire article on that alone. Very interesting.

Again, Thank you both for replying. Lufelix, improv sounds really challenging! I think the mirror analogy is great. I also am glad you related your feelings to me. It's a relief to feel like it's not just me. It's not only anxiety, but its like a snab in the heart. like, my heart hurts. do you experience that? About developments, this is how I responded today. But first, i'll try to make it brief, some history for context. One of the more insane interactions I had was two weeks ago. It was an old woman and her spouse. She picked up my product and asked questions. I was excited because the kind of questions she was asking in particular are usually questions only a serious buyer would ask, so I was very excited and with enthusiasm answered her questions. I had two products on my table. A liquid version and a softgel version. It is the liquid version that is being sampled and takes up more room on the demo table. One of the questions she asked me was, "what's the difference?" Now, here I was very sensitive to the fact that when most customers see two products, with one being more emphasized than the other, they will be skeptical as to why we are doing that.Rather than saying something like, "Well the liquid is better!" I tactfully replied, "Well, we understand that people have preferences and so, we wanted to keep a variety for you guys." I then went on to explain why some people buy the liquid and why some people buy the softgel. That way i find something that better serves their needs and so it's not like I'm pushing them into anything. While she seemed to be considering the information I share, her husband suddenly grabbed the two boxes, compared them and then started grilling me. Without going into to much detail, He asked completely irrelavent questions, all with the implication that I was being manipulative. He wanted to "expose me."Regardless of the answer I gave, even if it was a great one, he moved the post and asked more questions. It was really sudden and startling. I also noticed he was getting more and more aggressive. Things were beginning to escalate. I decided to do what our company suggests with these customers, let them go! So, I said. "I appreciate your skepticism, I want to assure you I'm here to help. i want you to be comfortable in making a decision. Feel free to do some research next time you're online." After this interaction I thought, "wow, that guy was a nut. Is he like some insecure alpha male who doesnt like to see another guy helping his woman? I mean, does he see himself as protecting her from me?"Fast forward to weeks later and the same couple comes in today. I already didn't want to be at work because I had a crazy dream and wanted to focus on that. They both looked at me, even smiled a bit, and I simply said hello. Because of what happened last time, I decided to leave them alone. She then went up to my table and this time picked up the product and started reading it. Now, this was confusing to me. Why would she do that? I told her about it already. I answered a number of questions. she could of went online to look at our website or read reviews. She said to her husband "look, it says it does X."He then did the exact same thing and snatched a box, turned it over and started judiciously saying, "it says it MAY not it DOES"I was tempted to argue, but I let it be. She then turned over and looked at me, "do you remember us?" And the husband said, "it's been two weeks" (im not sure why he said this.)The woman then said, "he probably does that's why he's not saying much."I then had an epiphany. "Holy shit! This woman is not innocent. She's the enabler. She probably enjoys seeing her husband do this stuff. She's hoping to provoke him. They are like a system. Not only is he just waiting to vent his rage, she is abusing by proxy. My god, these people are insane. "I then said, "I do remember you. I'm not doing this again. Don't take my word for anything about this product. Go look it up if you'd like."Seemingly disappointed that I didn't react how they expected, they walked off without a word. Shortly after a man looked at my demo. I said, "hey, feel free to get a sample." He got a sample, stared at the demo for a bit, then asked, "how much?" i said it's 7 dollars off today, it's $22. He exclaimed, "geeze! that's expensive. They must think highly of themselves."I then had another interaction shortly after this which was similar. I don't feel like going into the detials. I was incredibly mad and hurt. I decided to take into consideration what you said about my feelings being healthy. I thought, "you know, I've been abused for years, so whether I'm attracting them or not, that's nothing to be ashamed about. It's not bad. It is what it is. I'm sensitive because i've been abused for years. All I know is that I'm hurting." I imagined if I had a son, who came to me saying, "I'm hurt." Would I tell my son to suck it up and get through work. Probably not.I then, without apology, asked my supervisor if I could leave and that I didn't feel well. I explained to him that I didnt want to take company money and not produce, that it wouldnt be productive if I stayed. He understand and said, "I understand. get some rest, man."And also, to be clear, It's not like i did without thought or impulsively. i made the decision after thinking for a while. I also left a message to schedule an appointment with an IFS therapist next week.

Oh, sorry. You're right. I didn't post links.

Thank you for taking the time to read and comment. It was a fine day :)Yeah, I would totally check out the links I posted to learn more about Narcissism. From what I understand its a spectrum. Somebody can have narcissistic characteristics without being a full blown narcissist. And it's important to understand that these traits such as, externalizing a locus of control(not taking responsibility), gradiosity, abusive behavior, lack of empathy hypersensitivity, distorting reality, ect are all symptoms of wounds which result from early trauma, abandonment and neglect. It's when a person exhibits very many of these characteristics that warrants the diagnosis "A full blown narcissist." But, again, i'm not a professional. So, just because a person distorts reality, which I do sometimes, doesn't mean they're a narcissist. Again, thanks for reading and commenting!

my goodness, that's an incredible story. I'm amazed. I hope things turn out well for the man you're representing. let me know how it goes.

Everyone has an internal alarm system. A system which, in the presence of a threat or impending danger, creates a wide variety of sensations in the body to get your attention. The ways in which the alarm expresses itself can range from subtlety, in the form of mild tension or a minor gut feeling, to severity, in the form of psychological and physical sensations such as de-realization and intense heart pain. It's an incredible mechanism. In fact, it's so serious about keeping you safe that even when in the presence of stimuli which isn't necessarily frightening, but merely reminds it of a past trauma, it will produce the same level of uncomfortable sensations. This is also called a 'Trauma trigger'. This is just speculation, but I'm beginning to think this alarm system is even more brilliant, though. I'm beginning to think that, similar to how you can change your phones alarm to a jingle or a song, so too does the fight or flight response communicate to you with song if it's not getting your attention through other means. When I think about this while taking internal family systems and the reality subselves into consideration, the idea becomes even more exciting, since subpersonalities not only communicate through thoughts, but through images, feelings, sensations, ect. This is going to be a bit of a rant, so I want to apologize up front for any strain I might be inflicting on the readers tolerance for such digressions. I'll try to make it worth it. So, let's take the example of a narcissist. One of the key attributes of narcissism is the exaggerated investment in one's image at the expense of the self. The focus is more on how they appear, rather than how they feel. And when a person is this out of touch with the body and its feelings, it denotes a feeling of unreality in the individual. There is something crazy about a pattern of behavior that places achievement of success above the need for self respect, to love and to be loved. You know that feeling you get when you're around a group of people who are talking about something which you know little about. You know that feeling you get when they continue to keep talking without even acknowledging your presence? You know,that creepy, feeling like you're not there, like you're unreal. Well, that's like the feeling I get when I'm around a narcissist, even when they are looking straight at me and talking to me! After thinking about this for a while, I'm beginning to believe that the feeling of unreality I experience is actually theirs and what I'm experiencing vicariously is their relationship to themselves. It's incredibly unsettling. Admittedly, I am not immune to this pattern of behavior. At times, I fall into the Me + paradigm, and focus more on external things to solve the problem of insecurity, at the expense of my inner life. And I've noticed that when I do this for long enough period of time, I start to feel creeped out and unreal. I start to feel an intense feeling of doom. Not only that, which brings me to my point, is that this eery, yet beautiful, song plays in my head. Specifically the intense part in the chorus, when the singer screams "can't somebody help me, all I need is to be, loved just for me", as if it's a desperate cry for understanding from my unconscious. "Love me just for me. I need your attention, stop cleaning so much, stop working so much! I'm tired of performing. Accept me for who I am." Well, it's certainly got my attention. As I was thinking of a good way to end this, my boss sent me a text asking if I could pick up somebody else's shift. I thought about it for quite sometime and came very close to saying yes, even after all I just wrote. Then my alarm system kicked in and I started to feel like that wouldn't be a good idea. Right now it's my off day and my priority is going to be exploring my inner life today. My answer was an unabashed no. Post Script: I'm an amateur, for more information about narcissism check out Pete Gerlach or Sam Vaknin.

Hey, Travioli. First off, I want to thank you for taking the time to write such a warm and thoughtful reply. After giving your post considerable thought, I'm becoming more aware of some aspects of what occurs when I feel angry. When I feel really angry in these moments, a part of me comes in and says,"this anger is too strong to be just ordinary healthy anger. the severity of your emotional reaction is a result of you not taking the time to deal with these issues or some unresolved trauma. ". And that's very interesting, I'd like to spend more time getting know that part. So, when you remind me that the anger is actual could be a good thing and even suggest that being drawn to sales isn't necessarily a bad thing, I feel a lot less tension. Also, I appreciate you pointing out the discrepency. I did imply it was all their fault and then say I take full responsibility. That's really fascinating to me and i'm wondering now why I did that?And again, thank you for suggesting a 3rd possibility, which is that emotional instincts are often right. These suggestions really broaden the horizon of exploration. Your reply was certainly helpful and has given me a lot to think about.

I think that's a great question. I also think that your concern is valid. I think processed foods are icky too. And integrity is very important to me as well. In addition, it's important that I myself am sold on the product if I going to convince anyone else to buy. Not only do I take it everyday, I have numerous customers who take it already and who have shared their positive experiences of it with me. http://www.qunol.com/

“What is wrong with these people?” is a question I often ask myself at my sale’s job. Sales can be one of the most rewarding jobs or it can be the most frustrating jobs, depending on how well you perform. For me, there’s nothing quite like the feeling I get when I close a sale, when you create value for someone through win win negotiation, when you’ve successfully influenced someone else (maybe I'm drawn to this because in my childhood I had so little influence over the people around me?). It’s even better when you create relationships with these people, who come back to purchase again and thank you for your help. I’d put it on par with a runners high. And once you’re in that ‘zone’, that super excited, can-do mindset carries into the next interaction and thus, the next sale becomes that much easier to close. However, the exact opposite outcome can also happen, and this is when I ask the question, “what is wrong with these people?”. It's not because I get frustrated that somebody didn’t buy from me. I take full responsibility for my performance. I know that if I don’t sell a lot, it’s because I’m not doing something right because there’s an actual technique to selling and having a positive vibe is crucial. It’s not about talking and talking and talking and hoping for best. If anything it’s more listening and asking questions. But, I digress. You see, when I have a negative interaction, like the one I’m about to describe, it really gets under my skin. Especially because these interactions are so similar to my childhood. I’m a sales promoter who has a demo set up in a Costco store, so I have hundreds of people who walk past me every day. Occasionally, more often than I’d like, an interaction will look like the following. Somebody will walk up to me and start asking me questions even though they have no interest in buying. I have a sensitive radar that picks up on this. (Probably due to my childhood of having to navigate around interests and needs or my parents). Now, I know that I should expect to be grilled about my product, that customers will have objections and that it’s my duty to help them through these objections. Again, I usually have this intuitive feeling when someone is genuinely curious or unconsciously saying through their objection, "I am interested, I want to try it, but I'm having trouble with this ". I also have an intuitive feeling when someone is putting me on trial through their kangaroo court, when I’m already guilty of being a fraud in their own mind(again, probably due to my childhood of having narcissistic parents asking me accusatory questions). For example, one guy asked, “what’s the evidence that your product works?.” I gave him a great example of a third party website, which has some great information about the product I sell. Then I asked him if he had a smart phone. His response was, “Oh, so I have to look it up?” So, he just communicated to me that he wasn’t going to take my word for anything and that he required evidence, when I told him he’s right, that he shouldn’t take my word for it and then gave him a website and encouraged him to look at the website, (it was the mayo clinic), he moved the goal post. These interactions leave me infuriated, especially if I hadn’t made many sales or any sales at all for that matter. I hate being scrutinized in this way. I hate these rude and sadistic people. Sometimes I get triggered by peoples glances, which makes sense since 90% of communication is non-verbal. After a woman tried a sample of my product, apparently she didn’t like the taste, she just walked by and stared at me with this, “I know what you’re doing” smirk on her face. I then asked her a question and she continued to stare. I then felt insecure and then really angry because I realized that what she was doing what designed to get me to self attack and feel insecure. That’s when I ask the question out of frustration, “what the hell is wrong with these people?” What goes through a person’s mind that makes them think staring at me is a good thing to do. If it happens more than once, it leaves me in a state of hypervigilance and defensiveness for the rest of the day, which influences the kind of interactions I have with others, and what kind of people are attracted to me. I then am in a perpetual fight or flight response. After one of these interactions I had a dream wherein I was running was zombies, like the one’s in the movie 28 days later. In that movie, the zombie’s are people who are infected by a “rage” virus. Their eyes are red and unlike the portrayals of zombies that are slow, these zombies are more fast and aggressive. This is what I’ve been struggling with. Somedays, I feel like it’s me vs the Narcs.Then a part of me thinks, is it really that surprising? Afterall, It is estimated that 4% (1 in 25)of people in North America is a sociopath. That’s a greater percentage than anorexia, which is considered an epidemic. And because of the difficulty there is in spotting these stealthy predators, it is highly probably that the numbers are greater. Now, let’s consider the prevalence of Narcissistic Personality Disorder, which comes out to be around 6.2%. When you combine these numbers you get 10% of the population, 1 in 10 people you come into contact with either has no conscience and a lack of an ability to process any real emotional experience(a sociopath) or has no empathy for others or himself(a narcissist), which allows for cruelty against and the exploitation of another human being. And that’s not taking into account all of the apathetic, the indifferent, latent sadists who are easily influenced, easily manipulated and have no real principles, who under the right circumstances will follow the orders of the remorseless, much like what was seen in the Stanely Milgram experiment, an experiment which measured the willingness of study participants to obey an authority figure who instructed them to perform acts conflicting with their personal conscience. During this experiment, 65 percent (26 of 40) of participants administered a 450-volt shock, albiet not a real shock, but the participants were under the impression it was, to ‘students’ who failed to memorize a particular pair of words. Another noteworthy experiment is the Stanford Prison Experiment, which was conducted by Dr. Philip Zimbardo. During this study 24 clinically sane individuals were randomly assigned to be "prisoners" or "guards" in a mock dungeon located in the basement of the psychology building at Stanford. The study had to be stopped after six days because the guards became so sadistic. So, it could be probability. It could be just, given how many people walk by me, it’s inevitable that I’ll run into these people. However, theoretical speculation aside, (I do appreciate my analytical part) I also think it’s important for me to ask the question, “to what degree do I influence or attract these people based on some unconscious signals or behavior I’m putting out”. Because I have noticed that on days where I feel more secure, robust, and grounded I experience less attack than when I feel insecure, hurt, ect. I think it’s incredible that I’m working this job, that I’m pushing myself beyond my comfort zone. Two years ago I was working a night shift job, which I chose specifically because I was too afraid to deal with people. Now, I have a job where I not only have to take orders from customers, but I have to influence them, ask questions, and build relationships. I thought by pushing through my comfort zone, I was dealing with my social anxiety. After I told this to a wise person, he told me , “that’s not really dealing with social anxiety. you don’t want to reinflict your childhood on yourself”, and I’m beginning to think that he was right. These interactions are just so eerily similar to my history to be coincidence or just "probability." While, I am proud of what I’ve achieved through willpower, while I do think that I’ve gained more courage, self efficacy, and strength through challenging myself in this way, I think it’s time I get back into therapy and explore these feelings and heal these painful wounds. I’m worth that. Besides, what makes narcissists so creepy, like the zombies I run from in my dreams, is that they are so out of touch with the body and their feelings, the very thing that makes life worth living.. I don't want to end up like them. I look forward to starting my new job in September, which will double my income. I’ll also get insurance and all those benefits, which will make looking for and paying for a therapist much easier. http://www.amazon.com/Sociopath-Next-Door-Martha-Stout/dp/0767915828http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/18557663http://www.prisonexp.org/http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Philip_Zimbardo#Prison_study

That's interesting. And good for you that you defended children before! Well, I think all emotions are welcome. First, before , during and directly after, my fight of flight has kicked in and so I'm completely wired, anger, scared. Then afterwards, I feel good about myself while still feeling adrenaline pumping, then when the fight or flight wears off, the full horror of what I just saw inks in and I weep. This is usually what occurs for me emotionally. Thank you for your kind words! And I appreciate the sympathy. It was horrifying. to answer your question,No, this is not the first. This is the eighth time. Second time on a job. I consider doing it practice since in the heat of the moment, its hard to do everything just right. sometimes I forget to focus on the child and only say something to the adult. and I do prepare. the "thats not parenting thats abuse", phrase I had in mind. I had an idea of how she'd respond because they tend to repeat themselves with some variation of "dont tell me how to raise my kid" or "I discipline my kids" What I would've done differently? Great question. After she said, "thanks for telling me how to parent my kid." I wish I would have said "you're welcome" or "but, you werent parenting you were assaulting a child". I wish I would have said what kevin pointed out in his post. And i wish I would have said something better to the kid like, "oh my gosh I saw that, I'm so sorry, you didnt deserve that. never accept that. she had no right to do that."in these moments, there's no place for perfectionism. but, there's always room for improvement. I tell myself, "even if you choke up and can barely say a word or studder, that's better than nothing. "but its also good to keep in mind that you dont want to completely bomb or you give the child the lesson "good people will lose" me too! and thank you, brother I'm going to buy a super man shirt now. I feel like I've earned it!haha but, hey I really appreciate your word. The support mean a lot. Also. if you guys want to read more by me or other interventions I've been in, I have posts listed on my profile. Feel free to give it a look!

No problem! Thank you for your kind words. Expect more posts like this in the future and if you wanna read more posts from me that might be valuable in their own little way, check out my profile and I gotta whole list on there! haha I like to think that too, luigi! Hey, Marina! Thank you for your support and your kind words. I appreciate that! haha thank you. I do like praise if it's from good people and if its for a good reason! it's motivating. we all need a pat on the back for our accomplishments from time to time.

hey, Mark! I'm glad you've got some value out of what I wrote, however minor it might be. It gives my life more meaning.

Thank you Kevin. You're kind words mean alot to me and that's a really good point. that analogy really drives home just how crazy her statement was. Marlon, thank you for your kind words too. I appreciate the feedback. It really means a lot to me.

One of the jobs that I currently have is in sales. I'm a vendor who sets up a demo on Monday's and Fridays in Costco and I promote a vitamin like nutrient called CoQ10. The job's base pay better than any of my previous jobs, I get to practice my sales skills, which is an incredibly valuable and transferable skill. Today I was willing to give it all up though. I was willing to cause an incredible amount of dissatisfaction in a customer and risk her complaining to Costco management or contacting my Company's corporate. Because some things are just more important. I had 15 minutes left of my shift. I look to my left and I see a woman just pounding on her son's buttocks. The sound was quite loud, she was using the kind of force you would use to bang on a door out of frustration when you've locked yourself out of your house, hoping someone will wake up to open the door. It was the most violent assault on a child I had seen in years. This was followed by, "I'll give you something to cry about!"Without hesitation i walked over to this woman and told her with firmness, "Ma'm I understand being a parent is difficult, but you do not hit children. That is assault.""How about you not tell me how to parent?" She barked"That's not parenting, that's abuse", I retorted. She then went on to ask me if I had kids, I told her no, and then I looked at the boy in the cart and ignored her. I asked if he was okay. With hindsight, I realize this was a silly question to ask given that he was just beat, but I wanted to sympathize with him and let him know that I cared about him. She repeated herself, "OH SERIOUSLY? Do you have kids""No,but I would never hit a child any more than I would hit a woman.""We'll, good for you. Thanks for telling me how to parent!", She walked away. I might wear slacks, a polo, and a name badge, but I'm more than a salesmen, I'm a philosopher and it's my duty to help people. And I wanted to use this post to encourage you all to do the same.

Great presentation. Another powerful delivery from, Stef. this prompted me to check out some of Robin's interviews out of curiosity. During the first video I clicked on, about 1:18 in, he makes the joke about Alimony. this was about three years after his divorce with Valerie Velardi. "Never become attached to a house. And the Judge Said ALL DE MONAY. And we'll just shorten it to Alimony for the people at home. Divorce, derived from the latin word divorcorum, in other words, having your genitals torn out through your wallet. Kiss your ASSets goodbye! I do!" After watching this with the knowledge I have now from Stef's presentation, I find this incredibly depressing.

Hey, Kyle. I appreciate your reply and reading my post. Thank you for the support. It certainly was not easy to speak up, but regardless of this pleasant experience I'm going to continue to speak up because its essential to not only get bad people out of my life, but to act in opposition to their programming. It was my parents who didn't want me to speak up. The next day I walked in with my chin up, talked with life in my voice, and even made a few jokes . Oh, and the critic(I could be mistaken here, it could have been another part) was a part of me that came up and said "you're being oversensitive, the sensitivity is bad" and it then communicated in images by showing me other people who seem to just brush this kind of stuff off. Which this prompted the question? Are they stronger than me? More resilient? I realize that wasn't easy to gather since I didn't include that. I realize I didn't include these thoughts in the journal entry, so i understand

Hey, Dave! Thank you for reading and the reply. I think that's an excellent point and thank you for sharing that with me. That makes sense. This guy was in the military, or on inactive duty or something like that, which says a lot about his personality type.

An incident happened at work which prompted a number of bad memories about my mother. One of my jobs is a fast food job. It isn't something I want to be doing long, especially after what happened recently, but I got this job out of desperation to get away from an abusive boss at my previous job. During lunch hours, I approached two guys in the kitchen to ask for some food so that I could give it to the customer. The food was ready, just not packaged. The two guys were talking and I did not want to interrupt. Sometimes, due to my history of being told repeatedly to never interrupt and for being attacked for disobeying this commandment, I to this day find it emotionally difficult to interrupt even when it's appropriate. This doesn't happen as frequently as it use to, but it still happens. After a few seconds of stalling, I gave myself the green light to be assertive and asked, "hey, could you hand me that?" The guy who I was talking to looked at me and non-verbally acknowledged me with a neutral glance. Before he could turn around to grab anything, the other guy in the kitchen spoke up for me and loudly asked, "Hey, could you hand Joel that over there." At first, I thought it was cool that he would help me out. But, what later followed betrayed my perception. "Speak up, Joel", he barked. He didn't yell, but his reply radiated irritation and harshness. I felt really angry after this. "Oh", I thought, "he spoke up as loud as he did not to help but rather to demonstrate to me the proper way ask for something and how 'it's not that hard'." What followed the anger was hurt. it's not easy for me to speak up. The reason for that is because of my history, I'm monotone sometimes because I was not listened to, and I feel fear to bring life into my voice sometimes because in the past, I was attacked for that. And now i'm getting attacked for a symptom of that early abuse. Just as my mom would do the same by saying, "quit mumbling!". It's a no win situation. And then later this guy is going to have the nerve to ask me, "hey, you seem depressed?" I think the technical term for this guy would be "fucking asshole." I mean, if someone can't even get something as simple as the concept of being nice down pat, I'm not sure that they are in any position condescend. And you know what?. I betcha even if I would have been assertive and had a voice like James Earl Jones, he would have said something else equally inflammatory like "OKAY, we're getting it. Calm down." So, maybe I should just view have as an automated abuse machine that demeans and denigrates regardless of the input. I still feel angry, which is perhaps being generated by the message that is being communicated. Something akin to, "you're inferior and I know how to run your life better than you and the degree to which you're so incompetent is the degree to which I'm irritated with you." And maybe the degree to which I feel angry is the degree to which I got it in my very core. I do in fact have an incredibly powerful antenna that can receive and interpret even the most cryptic of signals that for many others go unnoticed. I had to have this kind of sensitivity in order to survive. Or, perhaps other people's antenna is just as strong as mine, yet they willfully ignore it. Perhaps, their antenna truly is less sensitive than mine. For whatever reason, I seem to be bothered by things that don't even cross other people's minds. Why is this the case? Are they stronger than me? More resilient? Oblivious? Numb? Disassociated? Or maybe, by asking the question, "are other's stronger" I'm implicitly agreeing with the message that, "I am inferior." Perhaps that's what the abuse was designed to do; to not only to provoke hurt and anger with the message but to get me to internalize the message, to believe it. and as I recall, all ideas or behaviors (i.e. memes) 'want' to replicate 'themselves'. Well, if that's the case then I choose to not give these abusive monsters power over me by recognizing the abuse for what it is, it is weakness. And the smallness I feel after being on the receiving end of the bullying is their smallness I'm feeling, not mine. Thus, it's their issue they are too chicken shit to deal with. What do i do when i feel hurt and small? I embrace it, write about it, and then turn my shitty experience into something positive that I can share with others that will hopefully be helpful. This guy has the same capacity to do what I'm doing now, but he chooses not to. What I'm doing takes strength. The only strength these people have is from the power that I give them by internalizing these messages. So, rather than attacking myself with their weapon, I choose to further empower myself with the responsibility of how I choose to react and think about these instances. I am not weak. Besides, it is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a though without accepting it.