MysterionMuffles

I dunno if I'm just talking out of my ass here, but in the case of sleep training and brushing teeth, much like with feeding, I think you just have to find creative ways to get it accomplished. I've been babysitting my neice every weekend for almost a year now, and it just doesn't work when I try to get her to sleep. The coaxing methods I've used in the past were absolutely fallacious. There was only one time where I held her down (gently don't worry lol) with my arm over her body and she struggled to get up, but after a few attempts she fell asleep without a whimper. The second time I tried that, she struggled to get out of my hold with tons of resistance and I noticed she was getting frustrated with that so I stopped. That was a method I used before I started babysitting her, but the one I have been using since day one was taking her out on a walk. And prior to that, more importantly, is to exert a ton of energy playing with her. It will energize her and make her pretty hyper for that next little hour or so, and once I'm tired, for another hour or two she will still have that pent up energy to do more crazy zany things. But once I've expressed that I don't have the energy for it anymore, she will inevitably get upset, try to pull my hand to stand up and continue playing. That's when I get on one knee and to her eye level and explain to her that I'm too tired to keep playing. Even if she's pre-verbal I think it's very important to teach a kid to know when it's "time to talk." It's only a guess, but I think the only reason why spanking and nagging "gets the job done" when you do it is because there's a change of tone in the interaction that the child fears. But it's like what Stef says, when you're close with someone, all you need is the lightest touch. "A whisper is a sonic boom." So to show my neice play time is over, at least for me, I'm still peaceful with her and a bit playful, but a subtle change in my movement and craziness, she's starting to understand that when I get on the one knee to talk to her without making faces or goofy sounds, that means I'm trying to reason with her. She usually just shrugs it off and starts playing on her own, and eventually tires herself out and signifies that by rubbing her eyes, yawning. I will then try to pick her up and put her to sleep, but she will resist getting picked up. Less and less though I have to get resistance as she is now getting used to the idea that I've followed her cue and she just knocks right out in my arms. It's the darndest thing. Anyways, I'm sure I could've explained that more shortly and concisely, but I wanted to emphasize how many little things go into one goal being achieved, at least in the case of sleeping. As for her brushing her teeth, I DONT DO THAT THANKFULLY that's what her parents are for when they take her home lol. So I don't know much about how to deal with that. Just be creative and patient. Try new methods and see which ones your kids are more receptive to. Then you can relish in the comfortability of repetition and habit if for a long time, that kid really enjoys a certain approach to getting their sleep, milk, and what have you.

Oh yeah that's right, the whole biology aspect of women's co-dependancy does come into play. I think even in modern times with the evolved brains of women, it is still no match to the base needs of their bodies. So I'd imagine sacrificing love for career in those kind of over-independant women create an unnatural sex drive. They either seek out to many partners, or just none at all, without ever really wanting to settle down. This is just my amateur theory, but I think we're all built in with a certain level of sex drives, obviously unique to all of us, and it's a shame to stifle it with the denial that all you really need is to invest in capital to increase your self worth. Not in the whole money is evil kind of thing, but in the sense that it creates an imbalance of desires and fulfillment. I've had 3 girlfriends, and 2 flings, and only 1 girlfriend I had was with me for more than a year. With my particular friend mentioned in this topic, I'm getting a bit more clear about where we are as friends. I mean I've known her for a few years now, and most of that time she was with another man, so I sort of got used to the idea of not being attracted to her. Yeah if you can believe that, I didn't care if she had a boyfriend back then, I always had this desire to be platonic friends with her. Though she became single a few months ago and that's when we started hanging out even more than we ever have before, and that's when the ambivelance struck me. I don't know if I was in denial or maybe I still am, but I really do believe I don't want anything romantic with her in particular. We connect on so many levels that I don't think even remotely touch on the romantic side. There was one week where I did fantasize about what it would be like if I were to be with her and of course that gave me some pleasure, but when I got to hang out with her at the end of that week, that desire kind of dissolved. All these traits I feel are compatible with me romantically, were only traits strong enough for a solid friendship than a romantic relationship. It's hard to explain, but basically I felt my mind creating a fiction around her that has nothing to do with who she really is, and I was only falling in love with that idea as opposed to who she really is. I don't know, is it weird of me to say that I can recognize what makes her attractive and not be attracted to her? And as a person who used to be very jealous and possessive, I don't get jealous when she talks about the dates she goes on or talks about the casual sex she has like I would with a woman I feel like I'm working towards? Well anyways, I haven't ruled out the possibility of us. I've just come to the conclusion that I don't feel anything for her right now, but I am open to let the relationship develop as it is at this rate and see what happens. Not in that passive, I won't do anything til she's close to have a new boyfriend kind of way, but in the way that I don't feel inclined to actively pursue her that way. Anyways, yes I want to find a true romance with a woman I've never met. I like the idea of starting fresh and really getting to know someone in the process of dating. I've usually been friends with my girlfriends for a long time before I asked them out, and I wanted to try something different in my adult life as opposed to my teenage approach. I want to get better at flirting because I have some knowledge on how to from left over PUA knowledge (don't worry I've scrapped all the shallow stuff from my mind) and I tend to have a lot of fun with it. I just want to develop better habits that actually seal the deal as opposed to the momentary fun social exparament adventures I've been having since I've been single. Just been testing my self out so to speak to see my comfort and confidence levels etc. This is getting pretty long, I think I've bled enough now lol. Thanks for you input, Mishelle! You've given me so much to think about, CLEARLY based on my blocks of text I'm glad to hear you're in a healthy marriage that keeps you joyed, so I trust your word on a lot of what you say, if not all of it.

I think tadas nailed it quite simply especially since it's in quick list form lol

Hmm...men set the pace, women set the boundaries is an interesting way to look at it. I don't know if there's anything empirical about that but it sure as hell does sound valid. Men propose and women dispose as Stef says, and because of that it's up for men to set the pace in the flirtacious dance as mentioned above. I haven't even thought about the retraction part being my own way of setting the boundary that "yeah you can touch me, but right now it doesn't warrant that because I don't want to become close with you, at least not that kind of close." That's interesting to note because there have been instances where it was actually almost conscious that I retract when I knew I wasn't attracted to a particular woman. I would love to say that usually if I know that I am, that's when I actively initiate the touches, but that's kind of the problem I'm still running into. Being afraid to touch beyond the shoulder and go to somewhere more intimate LIKE HER KNICKERS, just kidding lol, but like a woman's hand for instance. I have talked to her about our friendship and what it means to us, and we've been pretty clear with our intentions, explicitly and implicitly. Like she will talk about awkward run ins with other guys she hangs out with who thought she was leading them on, and I notice that a part of me wants to be all like "haha suckers," but ever since I delved into self knowledge and the IFS method, I've had a more conscious part of me look at it more objectively. This more objective part of me listens to the clues she's setting about how she doesn't like being misinterpreted as flirty when she's just being friendly or vulnerable. Simply by opening up about her feelings and her life for instance is not an invitation for romantic intimacy, and I have to admit that in the past, I always mistook that kind of openness FOR romantic intimacy even though there hasn't been prior romantic build up. Knowing that difference now and picking up on that clue, I'm better now at respecting her boundary with that. Although we open up to each other about our childhoods, that's not an invitation to romance, but an invitation for serious empathy with a trusted equal who has delved into self knowledge. Likewise, I've expressed my own distastes for women who lack integrity and how they also have to be held under the same level of moral responsibility and all that good stuff. As for what she gathers from all that, I'm not sure and I can't know since that's up to her to interpret. All I know is, I'm glad to have a bestfriend who IS a female, for she understands the brevity of emotional vulnerability more than any of my guy friends who I can sometimes have conversations as deep as stuff about our relationship views and childhood revelations. As for your last paragraph, I feel like I want to agree, yet disagree and think it has to be universalized. Shouldn't the women be the same way to have their own independance? Like, shouldn't BOTH parties have bigger things to live for than each other, and that having each other is a byprodct of brimming with so much self love that they will have to want to share that love with another human being? I dunno, just my approach on the gender equality angle and each party being self actualized.

I worked at a DEBT COLLECTING agency call center and that was hell. Coaxing people to talk to agents about their money problems, who I imagine would be dysfunctional people BECAUSE they've racked debt in the first place. Not to say that all people in debt are dysfunctional, but due to the amounts I saw on the database, it was kinda messed up to see. Anyways, yeah you don't want to keep this job. If you really need the money right now I would say try to look for a new job at the same time while keeping that one. It's a good challenge to yoru social anxiety because you ARE cold calling people, try to enjoy the challenge while you can, but know that in the long run it won't do you any good. For me, I was relieved when I was fired because I couldn't reach the daily quota of 400 calls. Or not even talking LOUD enough which is also taxing to the mind and body, especially when you're repeating the same answering machine message to people who don't pick up. And imagine what it does to your self esteem when you cold call someone, and clearly that person doesn't want to be bothered especially by a call center agent. NO ONE wants to be a telemarketer, it's one of the worst jobs out there. Ask a kid what they want to be when they grow up, 99.9% of them will never ever say they want to be someone who makes annoying unwarranted calls to people's houses during the day. Anyways for your own sake, nevermind your social anxiety and ADHD, call centers are just NOT the place to be working at. Definitely find another job and get out as soon as possible because it's gonna be very fatiguing for you to have to put up with people who will outright just yell at you for simply calling them. Granted there are times where I've had nice and peaceful chats with some debtors and maybe thats why I never reached my quota. I got so bored and lonely from negative calls that when someone was actually nice I enjoyed the small talk. But those instances were too far and between to hold onto, I preferred having an overall positive experience of interactions like when I used to do sales at retail stores. Hope this helps.

I'm sure you guys are highly aware of Russell Peters, who does a good job at tearing down the wall of racism and prejiduce between cultures with his comedy. If you're not, have you been living under a rock? I enjoy his comedy routine as he was the first comic whose name I actually wanted to know and get more of his material. I find the stand up comic medium interesting as it is usually a one person monologue with great thoughts to express and is actually funnier IF those thoughts are anywhere near worth the mic they speak them into. Anyways, getting off topic, but for those of you who are familiar with Russell's routine, thankfully he has retired this joke because his dad died, and hopefully for moral reasons, but he used to have this act in his routine where he makes fun of how abusive his father was towards him and his brother. I won't go into detail about it here, but basically it's about how his father used to say "somebody gonna get a hurt real bad," before a beating, and when Russell learned from his friends that there are child protective services, he started using the threat to call them if his dad were to touch him. The punchline, sorry for ruining it is his dad saying "it takes 20 minutes for them to come here, so in that time somebody gonna get a hurt real bad." What I wanted to know if people can still find that kind of comedy funny despite of what we all know about the effects of child abuse now, or is it repulsive. To me I can STILL see why it's funny and how clever it is, but a part of me just turns away from it and knows how it does a huge disservice to child abusive victims and gives more power to the abusers. I ask this because yesterday I was watching a Donald Glover routine and he said how his family used to run a daycare center, so I thought he would have an innate respect for children. He didn't express any ill intent or admit to any enacting of abuse towards those children, just called them little Hitler's for being irrational angry little beings. The whole time I was thinking "but kids are only as bad as the parents who raise them." I still enjoyed the rest of his routine of course, but parts like that bothered me a little bit. Your thoughts?

wow a very informative Stef clip that is under 3 minutes. Thanks for the clipping man! I think I should share for the parents on Facebook.

Wesley: My goal? I don't know...just to let them know I'm starting to learn cause and effect. When my sister and I used to fight a lot, I would get hit for hitting a girl, but there would be no sit downs and conflict resolution conversations. This incident is the reason why I think I turned out to be violent...aside from the spankings with a belt I received from my father, the idea of being the one who inflicts the pain and enjoying it...well it came from this incident. I don't really know what I want to accomplish but it has been troubling me having recalled this memory. I want to guilt trip my mom for doing this, or at least a part of me does. Ironically that part of me an infection from her personality that is fixated on guilting people into better behaviour. How can I bring this up to have a positive end goal if possib;e? chiwoojo: how do you even RTR something like this? Do I just say "I feel like I was taught to enjoy inflicting pain on others?" or is that a conclusion? RTR is starting to confuse me now. It's easy to weed out dysfunctional and poison people having used RTR, but I don't even know what a proper RTR converastion is supposed to look like.

I'm still new to IFS so I'm making wild assertions here. First of all of course I am sorry for your loss of almost having had a real sibling. That must be heartbreaking for both of you equally. I think it's quite possible that your inner-brother is what you want him to be. Creating the kind of advice contrary to your own that he would have given you, as a way to console the harsh reality of his non-existence even though he would've been younger than you, or maybe even a girl. Stephen, when you have the time, I'd like to read your rational behind having adapted a daughter part within yourself and why she exists.

Yeah and any woman who wouldn't want to high five about mutual agreements...is not worth flirting with

Ah I see. The Murder Porn episode from last night was great as well! Seriously, if they keep this up with the social commentary and bold writing, this might be the best season. I don't know if they improved from the previous seasons or it's just philosophy in mind while watching, but I am really digging South Park right now. For those who haven't seen it, the adults in South Park are addicted to watching crime dramas that usually involve marital murder, and the children worry about their parents being influenced to kill each other. So in turn, they try to control what their parents get to watch on TV. The kids in a way become the parents in that respect, and I just think it was a very interesting dynamic to observe. It's definitely worth the watch and I wonder if Stef has ever watched a really good South Park episode that closely resembles anarchy principles and all the other philosophical principles we learn about here. For those who HAVE seen the episode:

Couldnt have put it better my self, Anna, thank you. The way I see it is that it may have been better if it was her choice as a kid from the age of 4+ to decide if she wanted her body mutilated for the sake of aesthetic enhcancements. Enhancements so menial that YES...why not get clip ons? Same crap without the bloody mess and risk of infection.

To be clear it was an open invitation event via Facebook. They're not at all close as friends. She only knows him because of me when I was friends with him still. I voiced my concerns with her and she told me that she doubts he'll come since FB event attendance is usually inaccurate and its an event you have to pay for. So unless he really cares to try vegan meals for a price in the company of strangers while he's suffering a break up, I hope that doubt is validated. There's still a chance he may come regardless of those factors but I dunno. She's already putting him off from letting her be his shoulder to cry on. Is it immoral or aesthetically negative of me to hope he really learns how to suffer, be alone and in turn learn to introspect. Cause Ill tell you right now if I was still his friend, Id be the first he would confide in, but Ive stripped him of that privelage.

I'm interested in how someone will attempt to refute this without asking you about your own childhood lol. It seems like a place to start but Im up for the challenge. Maybe when I get on a computer later I'll see if I can try to understand some of your points.

That's a really good question. It is also harder to answer it with culture involved. Just a few decades ago, women were encouraged to include yeast in their diets to GAIN weight because, much like Marilyn Monroe's era, thick women were valued because it meant they could ensure healthy births. Nowadays though, as you know, the value is on THIN women partly because of our over abundance of food and more particularly, processed food. Less and less homemade food is being made and in its place the quick and easy stuff. But anyways on the question of beauty being objective...I don't know if it ever can be something that is objective. Beauty can also be in the eye of the beholdee if that makes sense, as Dick Solomon says in 3rd Rock From the Sun. Perhaps choosing not to define beauty, all things are beautiful in the end? For instance, Sarah Jessica Parker would be classified as a horse face by many a shallow men, but even she's beautiful to some degree wouldn't you agree? Yeah that's a long stretch...even I don't agree lol. I dunno it's a tough question to answer. Only due to my current lack of insight on the matter, I would strongly believe that physical beauty is still subjective unless you take the approach of simply not choosing standards for what constitutes beauty.

ribuck: I guess that's one way of going about it. My fear is just that he'll come up to talk to me and either act abrasive like has always been or super nice. I think super nice would piss me off more because I'd be wondering where was this genuine interest in me when we were friends? There was a time where he was kicked out of his house for a couple of weeks and I let him stay at mine, fed him and all that. During that time he respected me, but all of a sudden when he got back on his feet, he gradually became an asshole again. Niceness was only a value when it was beneficial to his own agenda. But yeah, again thanks...I'll just try to sit as far away as possible from him and talk with the other guests more. Cheryl: Yeah she knows. In fact him and her exboyfriend were close friends, so she used to see a lot of this friend of mine. She's always been questionable about his behaviour and character. She has stated to me that she finds him abrasive and unenlightened. Just recently, he broke up with his girlfriend, and even though he hasn't talked to my friend for almost or over a year, all of a sudden he's been opening up to her about how he feels. It puts her in a weird situation because his exgirlfriend was always jealous of her when they used to double date (back when they both had their respective partners). She wants to be there for him because it seems like she's all he has right now for someone to open up to, but she even said that she wants to put a distance on it since she has her own problems to deal with. Furthermore he has never contacted her and all of a sudden he is just for someone to be vulnerable with. I then warned her that he had always wanted to have sex with her since they first met, and I felt a little slimy about that. It's true to some degree, but I wish I didn't mention that because all of his personal disparities are enough for a self knoweldgable person like her to already KNOW to keep some distance from him. Well thanks for your advice Cheryl, I will talk to her about him being there and to seat us as far as possible if he does come. Again, my problem lies in being approached by him and resisting the urge to go up to him and unload about how much better my life is without him now lol. How CAN I act if he comes up to me? I'm having this self serving mindset where if he wants a dialogue it has to be all about how I've been and what I've been up to, and never once asking about his life because it would be the complete opposite of how our friendship was.

Later this month I will be attending one of my best friend's dinner party, where she will be serving us a storm of new recipes she's been coming up with. There I will get the chance to meet her other friends and feast on delicious vegan meals. However, as much as I look forward to this being a fun and enjoyable time, an old enemy of mine might also attend. An old enemy who I used to consider my best friend. I have been dead set on going to this event since she invited me, but I'm feeling absolute ambivelance on how to deal with this former best friend being there. He was a good friend of mine for more than a decade, but we've always had some tension between us throughout our friendship. Without getting too much into detail about my history with him (which I will provide in spoilers below if you'd really like to know WHY I feel ambivelance towards him), I just want to say that he became an exploitive and psychologically daunting person to be around as the years went by--until ultimately, late last year I started avoiding contact with him, ignoring his calls and text, and then finally earlier this year I made it clear that I no longer wanted to be friends anymore. How am I supposed to go to this event, still have a good time, and possibly interact with this guy if he approaches me? I don't want to initiate any contact and act as if he's just another stranger at the party I may not get around talking to. I can feel my social anxiety coming already, remembering how he used to humiliate me around other people...I just don't want him to pull the same crap again around strangers. Not that their opinions of me matter, but out of principle that I've grown tired of his destructive ways. What can I do? Do I actively avoid all eye contact and ignore him when he tries to talk to me? Do I act all friendly and pretend to care about what he's been up to? Or, and I feel really uncomfortable about this but...do I ask my current best friend to uninvite him? I find that very manipulative, and although I may be happy with the outcome, I will be robbing her of another guest and him of a possible good time he might have. Now, as to why I hate this guy if you want my most recent history with him...

Thank you for reply Wesley. Yes, I'm still disturbed from recalling this event. I don't know how I can even begin to bring it up to my mom or aunt. I just want to let them know that I still remember that moment and how horribly it has affected me. Also to assure them that I've recognized it for what it was and that I've been trying to process it so that I don't have to attune to such destructive behaviour.

I was gonna come here and share what happened with my niece when she was about 6-10 months old, I really can't remember. Her parents wanted her to get an ear piercing early because she won't remember it...but...I dunno. The very fact that it's just an aesthetic preference for her parents' convenience gives me some pause. It's not the very same as getting innoculations is it? And isn't it the parents job to minimize the amount of pain their child will have to feel? I dunno, what do you guys think of the argument that "this way the kid won't remember it because it was done to them very early."

Oh please share with me as much as you can. I want to know if you came up with your own way of doing it so I can learn of ways to have honest conversations.

I've noticed that in real life and in movies, subtle facial cues that say so much more than words. Really scary stuff. I want to watch this whole video sometime.

I am greatly enthused that so many of you have gotten into this show. It's a diamond in the rough! I finished the entire series a couple months ago and I still feel its lessons ringing true with me to this day. I think I want to turn it into an annual series to watch since it's so short, each time showing it someone who hasn't yet lol.

First of all, don't feel guilty for mentioning any of this. Not that it is encouraged you open up about every dark aspect of your life or anything like that, but it is certainly welcome and we're here to help if we can. You seem very sincere in your post and don't seem very judgemental towards your daughter. That's a very good thing and I hope you can be consistent with that if you choose to talk to her about this. *sigh* I have to admit that I'm guilty of enjoying some webcam models and what they've done, but lately I've been learning to empathize with it would have to take for a woman's self esteem to derive value from simply showing off her physical assets for attentions and money... I still want to just thank you first for being brave, open and caring about this as it puts things into perspective for me. You're showing me what it's like to be on the other side of the webcam as a parent of someone who's doing this...so that's really shaking my shit up nicely and helping me to stop enabling the exploitation of these women. Anyways, it sounds like you have an otherwise good relationship with your daughter aside from her vocational habits. That list you have there is what i think you should simply talk to her about. But try not to make her feel embarassed or judged about it. Try to RTR with her (Real Time Relationship, I think you're new to the idea but I'll try to sum it up for you) and tell her how you feel. The most important things for you to mention and I think is all you need to really focus on in that list are the points you started with "I feel" and maybe the other concerns can be welcomed into the conversation if your daughter welcomes the honesty to begin with. As for what to say I don't know...the only thing I can help with is how you approach it: with humility and genuine concern. Let her know how you feel about this and that you know. Let her know that you knowing about it shouldn't have to change everything between you, but you are feeling concerned. And of course try not to tell her what to do with her life as it might be a temptation (but I dont know you too well so I don't know if you'll get that urge). Focus on your feelings about it and ask her why she thinks she does it. Become simply curious as to how she stumbled upon that gig and how she truly feels about doing it. Hell she LIVES with her boyfriend, what does he feel about it and does HE know? Is he even the one who put her up to it who knows? Just be curious and understanding and Im sorry if I'm making it sound simplistic, but I know that it's not. In theory sounds easy but once you get into the conversation, expect a lot of discomfort from both of you. But that discomfort is healthy and only temporary, and just might be what will save the both of you ongoing discomfort having that gorilla in the room. OH and the RTR summary: it's basically a form of communication where you relate in real time by expressing you emotions as they come. You tell the other person how you feel about them and their actions without making them feel responsible for making you feel that way. For instance you can say, "I feel like I failed you as a mother if you're willing to be a webcam model. I'm not saying that being one is bad and that you're bad for doing so, but this is just how I feel. I feel guilty for avoiding this issue with you for so long, but it has been on my mind a lot. I feel sad that our relationship is going downhill and I'm not saying it's your fault or mine, but I feel a huge decline if we can't be honest with each other. That you can't be honest with me with what you do for work and that I can't be honest with you enough to let you know that I know what you really do...until now." Someone else may be better than me in this matter to see if I missed anything, but I truly feel like voicing those points that start with "I'm worried that--" will cause her to want to do it more. You know how people are when confronted with resistance right? So just be open and vulnerable like the above paragraph, and hell I'm sure you'll be able to say and pull off better things that I suggest, but I think I've provided a good starting point.

OMG I was going to make a post about this too lol. What does nsfw mean? Anyways I REALLY loved how they highlighted correlation between State and Religion. When Cartman tells the whole school that the government may be watching what they're doing, it leaves Butters feeling paranoid as if a supreme being akin to God is judging his every move. So he starts PRAYING to the government as such and even visitting the DMV as if its a church confession booth. My mind was just blown. This is a really strong start for this season, I hope the writing is this good for the rest of it. I also liked the social commentary on how social media is like an automatic thought police similar to 1984, except it's our voluntary choice to expose most of our thoughts on the world wide web. GREAT episode, worth watching even if you're not a South Park fan. If you honestly think South park is just a bunch of lame fart and dick jokes, you are dead wrong. It gets cerebral when it wants to.

That would be a food topic especially since Tarantino said he haaaates violence during an interview with George Stromboloupolous. As if lol maybe he meant he hates real life violence so he has to exaggerate it in his films to become desensatized. Ill pull up a link for that interview later if youd like. Im pistibg with my phone which makes that impossible right now