Kevin Beal

Are you presenting a differing opinion for consideration, or are you simply thinking out loud? Maybe I'm not included in the number you would like to consider your opinion, but if I am, I provided some reasoning as to why I included reasons 2 & 3. If you would like me to consider your counter opinion, I'd just ask that you make at least some reference to that reasoning. Otherwise I'm inclined to think you are simply thinking out loud without any real purpose. Nor can I use any of what you are saying to arrive at my own conclusions. Does that make sense?

I'm very keen on getting your thoughts on the subject and/or about the video

I think that would be a courageous and admirable thing to do. There is no courage without fear (or at least awkwardness)

I'm glad that you're having some success in therapy And I can relate to the difficulty in bringing uncomfortable things up with people. What helped me was pushing through the anxiety with people I trusted and talking about those things with them. After consistently observing different results than what I experienced with my own parents, I was able to break the associations I had in my head: about it being wrong for me to assert myself and that it's an unnecessary burden on other people for me to be honest, and that people will resent me for it. It eventually made it easier to do, even with people I didn't trust. I think that once you get somewhat used to asserting yourself with people you trust, and they honor it because they hold you in high regard, despite any flaws or mistakes, it becomes easier to view yourself with the same respect and compassion. A good therapist will help with that. You may already perfectly understand that; I don't know how long you've been going. (I don't mean to offer advice if it's unwanted). As for the question you asked me, I personally wouldn't mind if the woman I was dating made more money than me. I know that it's something other guys feel weird about, though. It would be interesting figuring out what else I'm prepared and willing to contribute to the relationship, as it's something I can offer now without changing anything about myself. But, if I'm really into a woman, I have enough confidence in myself that I know I can provide value in all manner of other ways, or maybe even be inspired enough by the chance to be with her to develop other strengths. Not in an insecure sort of "if only I lose 10 lbs then I'll be worthy of her affections", but rather in the "she makes me want to be a better person" kind of way. And hopefully that's a mutual sort of thing, growing together. I think that part of it is about having a powerful desire on the part of men to provide value, wanting to be your hero. And if they don't know how they can do that, then it can make them feel insecure, like they may not be good enough for you. If it's a problem of insecurity, then I'm not sure there is anything you can do, beside being open and their advocates. But only people themselves can work on their insecurities. Those are my thoughts, anyway. I don't have a whole lot of experience with this, so take it with a grain of salt.

I'm sorry that you were humiliated simply for asking about how money flows in your family. That's messed up. As far as the present day goes, I think it may be worthwhile to simply state your preference and ask him what he thinks, rather than insisting one way or the other. Guy's have different attitudes about this. Some guys care about being the one to pay, others want it to be equal and others are more than happy to get a free meal. (I count myself in the third category). It seems strange to me that a person would base his masculinity or his worth on providing for a meal, enough that not being able to would be emasculating. Maybe there's something I'm missing, but that seems like a distorted sense of priorities, maybe out of insecurity..? In any event, working out a mutually beneficial way that you guys work with money in the relationship is going to be important if you're goal is a long term relationship. Maybe it would be beneficial to seek out therapy (speaking from experience here) in order to become more comfortable negotiating this sort of thing, because one way or another, it's an important thing to negotiate. It's something that can end an otherwise good relationship, if not handled properly. As far as an actual methodology for talking about difficult things in personal relationships, have you read Stef's (free) book Real Time Relationships: The Logic of Love (RTR)? I haven't yet applied this knowledge to romantic relationships, but I've found the tools in this book to be enormously valuable at work and with friends. RTR combines analytic philosophy with psychology with love, and is all about the future. Whereas On Truth is about the past and Universally Preferable Behavior is about the present. I consider all 3 to be required reading, but RTR is most relevant here so I thought I'd ask.

I've been considering making more videos recently, so thanks for the encouragement! I've got some projects of my own that are taking up a good chunk of my time lately so I can't commit to anything at the moment.

There were a lot of really funny jokes in the Socking Misogynist Attacks Feminism, Defends Rape Culture presentation: (Great title, btw)

Jay Earley's book Self Therapy is pretty good. I talk about an experience that I had with IFS/Mecosystem/Active Imagination work in this video I made, if you're interested. I don't know if there are any skype groups that talk about it, unfortunately. I hope you are able to get one started. That would be rad.

I had never considered it. I'm very curious in what way your mother making terrible romantic decisions affected your self worth, if you felt like sharing. I don't mind if we drift from the main topic, being that it's been a year since posting it. Having been surrounded with failed and failing relationships growing up, without any examples of healthy romantic relationships, it did make me think that this is what it means to be in love, and made me have relatively low expectations from women. I'm not sure if it was my tempered expectations or my (historically) low self esteem, but I thought that whatever women/girls wanted was what goes; not something to be challenged. "Who am I to disagree?" <- old me Also, you have giant balls for calling in. I don't know what call you took part in, but that takes courage. So, on behalf of the part of you that worked up the courage to call in, you damn well better not minimize it! Thanks for reading, sharing your thoughts, and your kind words. I'm very sorry that you were humiliated like that, especially by family. I don't do a whole lot of dream analysis, actually. I do make sure that however I record them, I do it as quickly as possible because the more details I can remember, the better I can make associations, and make sense of what the symbols mean. I recorded a video where I talk about a nightmare I attempted to analyze, here. If you're interested.

That it wouldn't even close to be sympathetic to white people and would be an appeal to white guilt. I didn't watch the whole thing, but there were a couple parts that were like "you think white people get a hard time with X, but actually white people are 10x more privileged than you even imagined"

Called it!

Actually it's javascript, which is strangely different from java. The same code can be written in VBScript as well. I know that Jonathan Devine and Tony Crowe both know javascript, but this is a pretty specialized skill set you're seeking. My code might not even run. I forgot a .join() at this part in the code, too: newFileName = readLine.split(' ') .slice(0, 2) I don't know if it's even possible to re-write the created date of a file. That might be handled separately by the OS, unavailable to any API. If you have timestamps, I can programmatically extract them and selfishly use them for my own purposes. If that's something you're interested in.

I was assuming that the boredom (among other things) is what led you to feel overwhelmed. Overwhelmed with thoughts like "this is too big" or "I can't do this". If that's not the case, then I retract my statements about that. But just in case, I wanted to add that while it continues to feel big and frustrating and overwhelming, you will absolutely start to feel more capable of achieving your goals. I think it's because you feel it so often, but push through and succeed anyway, that the belief "I can't do this" becomes like the boy who cried wolf too many times. So in a sense it doesn't get easier, and in another sense, it does get easier. If it only gets easier and doesn't still frustrate you, it's because you aren't raising the bar and pushing past your comfort zone. It's a good thing that it is occasionally stressful. I do feel bored often, for sure. But I think that's true for any job. Stef has mentioned that he has to do a lot of boring stuff in order to make the show successful. I think boredom is pretty unavoidable. I personally don't believe in this sentiment that you must go where your passion is. I think passion is important, but if passion is all you got, then the moment you don't feel that passion anymore, then what do you have left? Nothing. My boss is constantly raising the bar and expecting things from me that I've never done before. I used to resent it, but now I actually crave it. It's only because I've had to do so many different types of projects that I've developed the skill sets that I have. My resume is looking pretty damn good, and it keeps me stimulated. I don't know what your work environment is like, but negative people certainly can make it more difficult to focus, cause dread rather than motivate, and it may be useful to talk to your coworkers about it, or management. I take my work environment pretty seriously. The music I play while I work can dramatically affect my performance, so I keep it upbeat. I make sure to thank people whenever they explain something or help me out with something, and I just generally try and boost morale. I start out the day at work with sentence completion exercises to remind me about what is important. And I try and stay as relaxed and positive as I need to be to get my work done. Hopefully that was helpful

I can't test this since I don't have a windows machine, and I wasn't able to find anywhere on the internet for a way to change the create date of a file, but this is probably pretty close to what you want. If somebody else can use this, hopefully it saves you some time: var directoryStart = "c:\\whatever\\file\\dir\\is\\" // <-- change this. Ends in backslash , fileSystem = Server.CreateObject("Scripting.FileSystemObject") , objShell = new ActiveXObject("shell.application") , objFolder = objShell.NameSpace(36) , folder = fileSystem.GetFolder(directory) , fileCollection = folder.Files , directoryName = 'donepile' , lineCount = 0 , fileContents, objEnum, newFileName, readLine, created, updated, mmddyyyy, hhmmss, newName; if(fileCollection.Count && objFolder != null) { // if our destination folder doesn't exist, create it if(fileSystem.FolderExists(directoryName)) { fileSystem.CreateFolder(directoryName); } // loop through each file in the directory provided for(objEnum = new Enumerator(fileCollection); !objEnum.atEnd(); objEnum.moveNext()) { strFileName = directoryStart + objEnum.item(); // open it to read the contents fileContents = fileSystem.OpenTextFile(strFileName, 1); // loop over lines in file while( ! fileContents.AtEndOfStream) { readLine = fileContents.ReadLine(); // if line starts with 'DateCreated' if(readLine.indexOf('DateCreated') === 0) { created = createDateFromLine(readLine) } // same logic here if(readLine.indexOf('DateUpdated') === 0) { updated = createDateFromLine(readLine) } // 4 really means 5, because programmers are dicks if(++lineCount == 4) { newFileName = readLine.split(' ') // get words in line .slice(0, 2) // grab the first 3 .replace(/[^a-z0-9]/gi, '_') // remove any unsafe characters .toLowerCase() + '.txt'; // lowercase that bad boy and add extension } } // make it an absolute path in our desination folder newFileName = directoryStart + directoryName + "\\" + newFileName; // copy the file over into another folder // this does the renaming fileSystem.CopyFile(strFileName, newFileName, true); // honestly don't know what this does var objFolderItem = objFolder.ParseName("NOTEPAD.EXE"); if(objFolderItem != null) { // format the updated date in the format it expects objFolderItem.ModifyDate = formatDate(updated); } // reset counter lineCount = 0; } } // destroy local variables, for some reason... // Are they seriously going to store it in memory? delete objEnum; delete fileSystem; objEnum = fileCollection = folder = fileSystem = null; function createDateFromLine(line) { // pull out the day of year and time of day // use the first match "[0]" // then split it into segments to be used indepedently mmddyyyy = /[0-9]{2}\/[0-9]{2}\/[0-9]{4}/g.exec(line)[0].split('/'); hhmmss = /[0-9]{2}:[0-9]{2}:[0-9]{2}/g.exec(line)[0].split(':'); // create a new instance of Date // year, month, day, hour, minute, second return new Date( mmddyyyy[2], mmddyyyy[0], mmddyyyy[1], hhmmss[0], hhmmss[1], hhmmss[2] ); } function formatDate(date) { return (date.getMonth() + 1) + '/' + (('0' + date.getDate()).substr(-2)) + '/' + date.getFullYear() + ' ' + (date.getHours() > 12 ? date.getHours() - 12 : date.getHours()) + ':' + (('0' + date.getMinutes()).substr(-2)) + ':' + (('0' + date.getSeconds()).substr(-2)) + ' ' + date.getHours() > 12 ? 'PM' : 'AM'; // "01/01/1900 6:05:00 PM"; }

Sorry to hear about the anxiety and depression I've been a full time web developer for 4 years now and I think I can relate to your story. Debugging can be overwhelming and frustrating, and in-turn that overwhelm can cause anxiety and thoughts that you are failing in some way, which in-turn leads to depression. Something that I learned that added a ton value was to be careful about when I get overwhelmed at work. I try and catch it as early as possible and find some way to calm myself and relax. Relaxing actually helps your cognitive functions as well, which is especially important when it comes to web development. Getting anxious contributes to monomania which is a problem if you're operating from a false premise, constantly hitting your head against a wall trying to make something work that simply won't work. Relaxing broadens your focus so you can see things fresh and new and creatively. I think this is something that happens to all web developers. After a while, you get frustrated and overwhelmed enough and have pushed through it to find a solution enough times that you can kind of recognize that pattern and take a step back. Unfortunately, I don't think is ever a time when you stop getting frustrated or overwhelmed, and some amount of stress is actually good for you, but learning to see that happen in yourself and stop it from getting worse is a skill worth developing. And learning that mistakes are inevitable and almost never as disastrous as we think initially is really important. Getting overwhelmed and anxious isn't going to help you or your employers. It's really important to be kind to yourself. Learning to keep things in perspective is what is going to bring the most value to your employers. Beating yourself up causes depression. Depression saps motivation. A lack of motivation is not good for anyone.

Totally agree. I think pointing out the double standards is fantastic, and I really appreciate the video in the OP, and the recent video of Lauren Southern at a Slutwalk. My problem with feminism, as you rightly point out, is with the dishonesty, the hypocrisy, and also about the demonization of men, and the extreme resistance to taking even the slightest bit of responsibility for their own lives, "safe spaces". Oh, hell, I hate pretty much all of it. The part I don't care about is the lack of equality the way that many men's groups seem to want to focus on. Many people want to focus on fitting their own issues into the box called "equality", when there are plenty of other virtues that are clearer and more accurate. Some people think that getting all of their medical and school expenses paid into college is equality, for fuck's sake! Equality seems to be one of these infinitely flexible buzzwords that people can make mean anything they want to. It's a pet peeve of mine. Hearing that word makes me cringe just a little. But maybe I'm too cynical

Actually, that was the first thing I did. I paid special attention to making it clear that this was how I was using my terms. Specifically I said: I was not claiming to use the popular definition. I'm not attached to the word "troll" itself, but with the definition I provided. I don't care what we call it.

I don't see what this has to do with gender equality. A parent, by having a child has entered into a kind of contract to meet that child's different physiological, emotional and intellectual needs, whatever they may be. Equality implies sameness, in this case being treated the same, and I don't know what special needs gender variant children have. I suspect it's different for each one of them. I am personally very skeptical of this sort of attitude of treating it like it doesn't exist, but I don't have direct experience either, so... Gender equality, I'm convinced, is actually treating people differently based on gender, because they need to be treated in some way, differently. Rejecting equality as a virtue is treating people individually, I could argue. Part of what an individual is is their sex, and if generalities don't apply to that individual, then okay, just treat them in whatever way is appropriate, makes sense. To focus on gender equality specifically is looking at the person as a sex, rather than an individual. That's appropriate at times, speaking in generalities. I just don't think that people into equality realize that. And yes, boys and girls should absolutely be treated differently. Boys and girls learn and relate to the world very differently, generally speaking. Christina Hoff Somers, in her book, The War on Boys, explains in great detail why gender segregation, or at least different treatment can help boys and girls learn and grow.

I wonder what y'all think about equality outside of the statist context. As far as I can tell, equality means not pointing more guns at one sex over the other, or getting the profits of this gun waving at equal rates to each sex. I'd rather not have the guns in the first place, personally. Outside of statism, I'm not sure that I really see the value in gender equity. Are people deserving of equal dignity and respect? I don't think so. Are people deserving of the same opportunities? I would argue that they do not. I can't really think of any respect in which people actually, in reality, are equal or "deserve" (whatever that means) to be equal. Certainly anything immoral, such as theft or rape or murder should be sanctioned and condemned, but I don't see how making it about equality adds anything. For example, with the mass infant murder of girls in China. The fact that they are girls shouldn't really be the issue, but rather the fact that they are murdered. Screams of "equality!" in that situation don't make any sense to me, but perhaps that's my own failing. I don't see how each sex's issues deserve equal coverage or attention or funding or whatever else. People should focus on the issues that are important to them. I'm not going to stop a group trying to free women sex slaves in India and tell them that they need to focus on men's issues too. Obviously, this is just an argument from my own ignorance. Just because I can't understand it, doesn't make it false. I'm just curious why it's something that people feel is important. I don't think I've ever heard a more widely used and supported virtue. I hear "equality" more often than I hear "integrity" or "honesty". I just don't understand it...

Not liberals, generally? White liberals specifically? Most people I know would have labeled me a racist if I had made generalizations about black liberals, or jewish liberals, or muslim liberals. I don't see why the color of their skin matters.

Lol. Yea, great questions. Thinking about it now, in order for someone to keep feeding a troll they have to be getting something out of it. And if their stated goals (e.x. "setting the record straight") don't get achieved, but they continue anyway, then the real reason must be something unstated, presumably something subconscious. I don't know, right? But at the risk of projecting, I think that for most people, it's a compulsion repetition sort of thing, or a 'Simon the Boxer' in Real-Time Relationships lingo. From the book (page 80) Absolutely brilliant book. If you haven't read it, then do it already or else I'm going to continually harass you until you do! Bullies and trolls exist in many families, and if not there then almost certainly in public school. If it's an impossible situation (double bind) then as a kid who can't practically avoid these situations, (s)he would have to master their internal state. Continuing from page 82 Doing battle with the trolls offers people a sense of control, and in order to feel a sense of control, they seek it out, perhaps subconsciously. I used to provoke people who I knew were trolls in the youtube comment section of videos I liked so that I could flex my considerable rational (and snarky) muscles and feel a sense of control. So, at least in one case (mine) this goes some way into explaining the draw that people have to feed trolls. As for what we can do to help people who have that draw, I think it's complicated. However, I believe I can speak from some experience. I think the first thing is that they need to recognize that they feel anxiety or dread or angst. Some people are so used to feeling that way that they are unaware that they are even anxious. Having an awareness of where the tension is in your body, and reminding yourself to relax is important. I don't think you can get very far without developing that sense first. Then when they are aware of their own anxiety, I think they need to explore what the anxiety reveals about the core beliefs they hold. The beliefs they have about themselves and the world that they are not even aware that they believe. For example, if I really ought to apologize or admit to making an error, and I have a core belief that doing so makes me bad in some way, like it's shameful or admitting defeat in some catastrophic way, then the mere thought of needing to apologize will fill me with anxiety. "oh crap! That troll may have just gotten checkmate!" I think to myself. Through exploring that stuff, preferably with other people who are invested in your success as a thinker and a person (a therapist?), will get you thinking more objectively about these things, thereby gaining perspective on how you are using your most vital resource: your time. It may be helpful to connect with the child they once were who was originally in this situation, but could not avoid it. To feel the anger, grief, whatever they need to see the situation for what it was, and have absolutely no desire to put themselves through that again. Also, I think that the positive interactions that you have available to you, the kind where you actually connect with other people in a real way, the less interesting trolls are. That is my opinion. I'm interested to hear what other people think about this.

Yea, that's an interesting problem. On the one hand, there is the strong possibility of sucking people into exactly the kind of situations that got the person's posts hidden in the first place, which is really shitty. That kind of stuff can easily ruin a person's day. However, and this is just a thought I have and is proof of nothing, but I wonder if maybe it's a good thing to have trolls around..? Trolls, not altogether unjustly point out what people may be avoiding talking about. I think it's an opportunity to learn more about ourselves and each other. Dealing with trolls on the boards, and confronting things I didn't like about myself is what got me thinking about and developing the ideas for the article. When things are totally easy and there are no sources of considerable frustration, then I think we only get a certain side of people. I actually feel a whole lot of compassion for the trolls and the people feeding them, at least, when I really think about it objectively. I actually appreciate seeing the more snarky or less-than-noble aspects of the personalities of the people on these boards who share my values and are a lot like me in a lot of ways. People are much more interesting when you get a bigger picture of their personalities. I like seeing that people have weaknesses, insecurities, challenges of their own, and I'm really proud to see people explore these things honestly. It's prompted me to ask myself important questions, like: How do I handle admitting fault with people I loathe? In terms of the interactions I seek out, tolerate and reject, what do I tell myself and what do my actions actually show? How do I deal with being slandered? How do we help other people who are stuck in exchanges with trolls? How much control do I really have with someone who is in denial? Maybe what people need to do is engage the trolls themselves and hit their heads against the wall repeatedly until they drop unconscious or they learn to stop hurting themselves in that way. Maybe that's the best way for them to learn that lesson. If someone advocates violence, or is just the worst kind of person, then my personal opinion is that they should get banned from the forums, but people who are dishonest, provocative, hypocritical, I don't think so. Perhaps I'll change my mind about that in the future; just some thoughts I had.

Along the same lines as the counterfeit detector, if someone criticizes you, and in the very same act are guilty of exactly what they are accusing you of, then that is text book psychological projection. I don't think you can logically claim to care about people doing X, when in the very same breath are doing X yourself. When you point this out there are 3 responses that I've seen: Feign ignorance and double down that no such hypocrisy occurred Concede but argue that it doesn't matter that they acted hypocritically Concede like an adult with even the slightest bit of maturity Of course, you always hope for the last one. The first one is interesting to me. Do they get like a chess player looking multiple moves ahead that taking the second option will be shooting themselves in the foot and so they avoid it like the plague? Are they literally so unintelligent that they cannot actually see the principle being applied in their own rule or apply it to only one situation and not others? That doesn't seem possible to me, but perhaps that's a lack of imagination on my part. The second option presents a fatal logic problem, a bug in the software. If it doesn't matter that they did X, while giving you shit for doing X, then that can only mean that X isn't the issue. That is the only conclusion that can be drawn from that. Personally, I think one healthy response to this kind of mindfuckery is boredom. Someone implies all kinds of false things about you? Someone trips and falls over their own arguments against you? Boring! Taking that shit seriously will sap the life out of you, contributing to a sense that life is futile and frustrating, when it is only that way because that's how you choose to spend your time! What if no combat is necessary at all? What if letting the trolls say what they will is exactly the best option for showing that they are in fact trolls. What's that statement I heard about feminists? "The best way to fight feminists is to let them dig their own graves by opening their mouths", or something to that effect.

I just want to be clear that my responses to the reasons offered are more me talking about myself than anyone else. This was not meant to be about you or anybody else. I've used those excuses, and in my case, I believe that they weren't honest. I don't know what the right solution is either. I wouldn't be surprised if there were good reasons to engage bullies; I'm just trying to share something that has occurred for me, and at the risk of projecting: almost certainly other people. I think that coming to understand what reasons to engage are good and productive, and which reasons aren't is a wonderful thing to talk about and get clear. Mine is not the final word, but rather what I hope is the beginning of a productive dialog. I think it would be great to have you (or anyone else) make a case for engagement. What harm could it do? You are clearly invested in the truth whatever it may be and that's exactly the kind of interaction I want to see more of on the forums. I just want to reiterate that my post is not meant to be about anyone in particular, or if it is, then that person is me. I may be more guilty of these things than anyone else. I wouldn't be terribly surprised.

Oh, yea. Thanks for asking. I was wondering if that was going to make sense. The point I was trying to make was that the way that you and I would not even humor something so ridiculous as us being human looking cats is what happens for people who have the narcissistic trait of living in a bubble reality. I'm no expert, but my understanding is that narcissists get hostile when you challenge the things that they need to be true in order to prop up their own fragile egos. I was attempting to get people to empathize with this situation by use of the cat analogy. Basically, trying to reason with someone like that is akin to telling them that the sky never turns blue. They wouldn't even humor it. Does that help clarify? Right. Great point. I would hate to prematurely cast someone in the role of "troll", prior to getting what would be a reasonable amount of evidence. Honestly, I'm unsure what should be considered a reasonable amount. I can offer some suggestions, though and would love to hear other people's thoughts. I think the counterfeiter detector approach is pretty much a silver bullet. It's hard to imagine an honest misunderstanding resulting in a person rejecting the standards they hold other people to. But I've concluded that people are trolls before using this approach and I don't think I was mistaken to do so. Again, borrowing from Stef, if someone claims that there are no land mines in a field and when you ask them to walk through it, they expertly walk in just the right way so that no land mines are set off (assuming that there are in fact land mines), then you know that they are aware not only that there are land mines, but where they are. So, if it's clear that someone is avoiding something which directly bears on the truth or falsehood of the propositions being debated, then I think that's good reason to be suspicious. That's not a silver bullet though, because it could be that they missed it, didn't understand the implications, or that you were the one who misunderstood it's implications. I think that another possibility is when there is no null hypothesis. If what they are saying makes them right, and if when they are wrong, that only makes them even more right, then I think that's reason to think they are trolls. At least, it's reason not to debate them since you can't win under that scenario. Also, I have trolled people in the past, and I don't think that trolls are doomed forever to be trolls. I just think that we can't help them. They have to figure it out for themselves, I think. I'm also not sure how to handle dealing with trolls. Maybe there isn't a way to do it without getting a little dirty yourself. It's like that saying "I learned long ago, never to wrestle with a pig. You get dirty, and besides, the pig likes it." But at the same time, it would be nice for them to have something to reflect back on, to stick in their craw until it get's resolved somehow and it clicks for them later. I've realized months after an exchange just how wrong I was because it stuck with me. I don't know, still mulling that one over... Thanks for sharing! You handsome devil!