Peter Cohen

I am not affiliated with this project in any way other than very much wanting it to succeed. This project is an attempt to create a control device in which a player uses their feet to control all movement in a game, both for VR gaming and regular gaming. This would free a player's hands to be hands, to do what hands do, instead of one hand pretending to be feet. I believe this would also strongly aid immersion in VR gaming as the control would be extremely intuitive. https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/260847652/ground-control-get-your-feet-in-the-game

Sadly, I have no idea how one does that, unless perhaps by the 'catharsis' method, which is to allow yourself to feel it and express the reason for it so intensely that it ultimately goes away. I have indeed done plenty of that, and that is perhaps why I feel nothing. Thank you for those links. I have been quite intrigued by the paleo diet and this is more ammo for the cause. The only thing that holds me back is my lack of financial resources, as a paleo diet would be decidedly more expensive than the "whatever is cheapest" diet I can now afford. That of course might be a vicious circle, in that the bad diet is what keeps me from having the energy and drive to change that situation in my life. If only I could win a lottery... ;-) Edit: So I've been reading up now on paleo on a budget and it is potentially more affordable than I had thought. I will continue reading.

The thing was, I was never lonely. I learned to make friends very quickly, a bit of a necessity if one is always finding themselves in a new place and one wishes to avoid being lonely. They were rarely close friends however. What I wrote is indeed disconnected, so it is small wonder if it reads that way. That has been the theme of my life, that disconnect. I score 100% on a test of Buddha nature, which some might see I suppose as a 'good' thing. You may be right that I am being too forgiving and aught to feel anger. Unfortunately I am more than capable of great anger. Allowing myself to feel it however has major deleterious consequences to my health, as it inflames a colitis condition I have had since my childhood (not much of a surprise that). I have on one occasion allowed that rein on my anger to slip, and were it not for the presence of a very wise and perceptive old native shaman who physically put himself between myself and my target, I would probably have spent many years in prison due to that slip. It could well be that my father deserves no emotion from me other than anger. For me however, that is giving him the power to still hurt me after his death, as the anger itself would hurt me. Emptiness is for me, I believe, better. Lack of anger and disconnect is the survival strategy I needed to survive my childhood and emerge with some health intact. To abandon that is neither something simply decided nor easily achieved.

Dear Stefan, Should I be concerned about my seeming utter lack of emotion upon hearing the news yesterday evening that my father just died? I do not believe the emotion is simply sublimated, as my dreams last night were perfectly normal, pleasant, and nothing to do with parents, my past or whatever. I have had zero contact with him for about eight years. Just prior I had spent a year or so meeting him for lunch every week or two, but then he erupted in a tirade against my arrogance for deriding the idea of a project he had brought up and was enthused about, having watched a television program proposing to build a bridge over the Bering Strait (I probably need not belabour my reasoning). This was merely the last straw for me, and I never contacted him again. His (latest) wife has me the guilty party in our estrangement, despite my father not contacting me either. I was raised in a manner which would engender a lack of emotional attachment for friends and family. Prior to leaving home at the age of seventeen, I had lived in over thirty homes and been to over twenty schools, every time having to leave behind all friendships and start anew. I lived through four divorces on my father's side, and changed custody several times between my father and mother. My father worked all day, every day, away from home on a crusade to save the world. He never meant to do evil, but his cause was so urgent to him that little else mattered. About the only attention I got from my mother was when she would beat me, which happened with great regularity for little reason. That continued until I finally, at the age of thirteen, hit her back, one of only two times I have ever struck someone in anger, and the only time I do not regret. My fist in my mother's solar plexus was the last physical contact I ever had with my mother, with whom I am also now, for decades, completely estranged. (I am now 55 years old.) I left my father's home at the age of seventeen after he spat in my face in a rage for not appreciating the fact that he had bought a nice house for us to live in 50 kilometres outside of the city. I had told him several times prior to his making the purchase that I vehemently did not wish to leave the city, but he remembered none of that apparently. This of course meant that I had again been forced away from everyone I knew and all activities I loved. I had been heavily involved in martial arts and dance for years prior and all that was now impossible, as my only way home was a bus ride, the last of which was nine PM. As a result, I abandoned any training, discovered the comfort of drugs, then ultimately dropped out of school and left home to live on the street. My life since then has been largely a mess. I made a few attempts to complete some formal education, knowing that a higher education diploma might help, but all ultimately were aborted before any such document was earned. I fortunately was able to kick drugs after several attempts and have been a teetotaller for the last thirty five years. I lived a period for about ten years where I was not poor, the result of lucking into an entrepreneurial venture that for the time, remained profitable. Other than that however, I have been and remain ridiculously poor, lacking the energy to actually make the effort that would change that. My only real skill is the ability to write reasonably well, but writing books is actual work, which requires effort. While my economic situation is about as dire as it gets in North America (I would be 'much' better off if I were willing to go on welfare), and I have but a few friends, none of whom are close, I am not actually unhappy or uncontent. That is perhaps a problem in that being discontent might well be the goad I would need to better my situation. My lack of discontent however, my unattachment, was a necessary learned survival mechanism to weather my childhood. I have never had any therapy, and am certainly in no position now to afford it, so those learned traits are still very much a part of who I am. It takes some effort to summon any emotion for my mother, and all I can come up with is anger, though I do not dwell it at all. For my father however, I am somewhat surprised to find nothing inside of me. I understand what drove him, a deep survivor's guilt for terrible traumas he suffered in his own childhood living in Nazi occupied Holland with the last name of Cohen. The only mistake he made was having children. If he had avoided that, the world might well record him as a saint. He had many positive qualities which I certainly learned from, and for which I guess I aught be at least partially grateful. I believe I have forgiven him for the mistake of having children, which is I suppose an odd thing for a child to have to forgive a parent. Sadly I have no phone nor the headset needed for Skype, so calling in is not an option. Hopefully I have included enough information here for Stefan or others to perhaps have something useful to comment on.

This guy needs some serious refutation. "Power is morally neutral..." My ass!

My opinion Red is that you are looking for help from the very source of your problems. That is a lost cause. If I were you I would stop trying, and frankly, stop caring about what your family does or says. You can live with them, and comport yourself in the manner that makes your life the easiest with them, though I am sure you would probably be better off without them completely if you could find a way. I think it is unwise to look for the solutions to your problems in other people, especially if they were involved in creating those problems in the first place. They are most unlikely to be of much help. Find a way of living with yourself, and being comfortable with yourself, that does not involve either their abuse, or self abuse. Ideally I suspect you ought find a support group of other cutters who will have a much better understanding of your psychology. Someone like myself who is not a cutter can try all they want to give advice, but ultimately may be completely missing the essential point. And of course, sometimes one just needs a sympathetic shoulder, and not advice. ;-)

Hello Megatron, I am a fellow Montrealer. Last year I tried to do a meetup with other FDR folks in Montreal and got all of one person to show up other than myself. I'd be interested in trying again. Are you game?

Hello Kozi, Yes, there are at least a few FDR folks living in Montreal. I've physically met one of them and would love to meet more. There is at least one other who has posted recently. Maybe we can organize some sort of meetup soon?

I suppose it would be useful for me to check into the forums with a bit more frequency. I am a Montrealer and will certainly see what I can do about meeting up.