sagiquarius

You're curious about what she is doing and what not?Tell me more about the "bad" feeling, please. Bad is a bit vague.

Why, whatever do you mean? I had the reference hyper-linked this entire time ... or not so much. I'm really curious to know what's (planned) ahead for FDR. New studio, documentary; philosophy certainly has found quite the avenue for it's long muted voice. I'm glad to be around I'm at this time.

Look, I've given y'all plenty of time to do this, so I'm just gonna do it myself: KHAAANNN!!! There, it had to be done- truly it did. +2 nerd points.

Sweet, thanks. Works for me Skype doesn't have "chat rooms" does it? I'm not a heavy skype user, though I suspect that will change over the next several weeks.

You mentioned the good 'ole penis. What happens to your feelings of near obsession if you masturbate? Apologies for the blunt question, but it's the only way I can think of to test your suggestion of ... you know. Are you still "friends" with her on Facebook? Can you tell me what thoughts/images/feelings you experience when you see her picture? If you know the relationship was unhealthy for you (I'd agree, given the way she ended it), what is it that you're missing from the relationship that has you pinning after her?

Nice - exactly (very close to the same name, even) what I was going to propose just the other day! I'd like to participate whenever possible. Is this going to be a weekly thing?

As a huge advocate of using the internet for education (free university courses, MOOC, EdeX, and so on), I think that is an excellent idea. I have this bug in the back of my mind to help see that come to pass once my life stabilizes from my upcoming move and such. Where'd all my free time go?!?!? Putting together course material appropriate for the format seems like a lot of work, but worth it if it helps get the word out. If there is a desire to redo the intro series, Stef likely doesn't have the time to do so right now. I'm sure something could be constructed around what is available on YT right now.

I get "alpha maled" all the time by other guys that feel insecure - especially when there are women around. It's super annoying, and I wish those guys could empathize with how they are portraying themselves to others. I've gotten into the habit of saying "dude, don't alpha-male me". I guess these guys see themselves as alphas, and people like me as some sort of threat to their position because I don't have to put on a show. Managing that kind of insecurity is an awful burden.

The first time I tried it went ... poorly for me. There were tears from the other person, and she backed out of the conversation quickly after that. I was also told it felt like I was being judgemental and trying to force a perspective on somebody that wasn't theirs. I'm positive I could have handled the conversation much better. I get super passionate about this stuff. I have been working on my speech and diction so as to talk more deliberately. I'm glad this difficult conversation turned out to have a positive influence on your friendship. How have things been since the conversation? I mean, relative to the state of the relationship prior to the conversation. Have either of you adjusted, or changed your positions on any particular subject?

Please, no need to apologize, I'm in no way offended by anything anybody has said. I do have some sensitivity to these conversations because they can get a bit tedious for me dueto my history with them. I didn't intend to come off as sensitive, if that is how I presented myself - no need to walk on egg shells for me. I'd love to have a chat with that person you mentioned. In the gay community, the most prevalent assumption about bisexual males is that they are closeted homosexuals. Women don't have to deal with the bisexual prejudice, I don't fully understand why it's fine for one gender, but not the other. Dsayers: Oh sure, I get it. Sorry, I wasn't clear about my statement. I didn't mean to imply that being sapiosexual overrode your orientation. But, you are very attracted to intelligence, right? When you mentioned innuendo; are you referring to sexual innuendo towards your male friends at the time? My first sexual experiences were also with close male friends as well. The most consistent lasted a year, and happened during our sleep overs. I didn't have sex with a woman until I was 22ish. So, I guess this means you're not coming over to cuddle later, right? I just want to be clear on that

I appreciate the solidarity - no worries - and completely understand the desire for something solid to speak of regarding the expression of human sexuality. Sounds like you (and likely just about everybody on the FDR boards) may be sapiosexual. You're father sounds like an asshole, if I may be so bold. To quote spaceballs the movie: "How many assholes do we have on this ship anyhow?" I don't know anything about your history, but I can't imagine - to say the least - it was pleasant being under the same roof as such a man. I wince at what my imagination is forming of your history. I have a theory about bigots. I think many of them know they come across as assholes, and are insecure about their beliefs. So they point to crap about genetics, being born wrong, or whatever excuse they can think of, to mollify themselves and avoid admitting fault or apologizing - "It's not meee, it's reality!" Even if the evidence were clearly saying that homosexuality is a result of trauma, or just messed up genetics; that still doesn't excuse being an asshole. It's like calling somebody with down syndrome "a goddamn retard" or something. My dad was curious when I told him; maybe a bit surprised. My mother felt a little hurt that I hadn't told her before. I asked her: "Do you go around telling people you like penis"? Besides, I knew she wouldn't understand because she was one of the folks that assumed that bisexual meant "non-monogamous man-whore." I told her to drop the prejudice and hear me out if she wanted to continue the conversation. You are what you are; it need not be advertised nor used as an opportunity to gain victim-hood status in the eyes of many on the political left.

...and what if you couldn't post bail? I avoid cops at all costs. I don't care how many "good cops" there out there. They are, by the nature of the system, part of a predatory class of lethal enforcement that doesn't care about the nuances of their prey. Their master says "sick'em" and they go running. Many cops know that if they piss off the wrong overseer, they would be just as fucked as you or I. I was summoned once as well. I responded immediately by answering the questions honestly. The final question was: Is there any reason we shouldn't consider you for jury duty?" or something like that. To which I responded: "I do not believe in the authority of the court system to fairly judge the lives of others nor is your compensation adequate to cover my lost wages during the proceedings." They left me alone. My friend got a summons that basically said: "You will come, or you will be punished." She went - my summons seemed relatively polite. I'll go next time, just for the experience. Perhaps I utilize jury nullification if possible.

Huh, I was just about to start a similar group. I had been tossing around the idea of a local meetup group as well. I'm based in the US and was thinking of hosting an evening discussion on skype or Hangouts. Will there be call this saturday? I'd like to check it out.

Right, it wouldn't be rational to exclude the possibility of bi-sexuality since I've lived it. We can talk about all the theory in the world, but reality (and personal experience) trump theory. The response to bisexuality from the gay and straight community, in my experience, is that of ignorance and misunderstanding. I commonly hear things like: "just choose a side, you're only confused." "why don't just you stop being bi?" "It's just a phase" "how do you know you're bi, I don't get it" and so on. Oh, my favorite is that because I'm bi, that means I'm an insatiable whore that "must have" both genders to feel satisfied. The vast majority of people make it about sex - not the emotional relationship itself. I suspect that much of that is a projection regarding their own discomforts with their romantic histories and so on. I still have that desire for the family I didn't have as a child. Perhaps this is the source of my sexuality, perhaps it's more genetic. Perhaps the epigenetic potential was there, with my childhood acting as a catalyst. I'm sure I'll never have a clear answer to the question without testing it. The only test that can be applied is to find a satisfying relationship with a man. Quickstine: Yes, I have discussed this with my partner at great length. She sympathizes because she is bi-curious (that leans towards men) but has never explored that part of herself because, for her, a committed emotional connection is more important. She understands it's something that will always kind of "be there" for me, like a wintery ache from a long healed broken bone. Kevin: Thanks for sharing. So, it sounds like the lack of a father figure has little - if any - direct impact on sexual orientation. Sounds like you're pretty straight to me. I'm sorry for the lack of positive male figure in your life, I know exactly what that's like. If I may ask, are you dating now, or still working on it via therapy and self-help?

Hey Guys! I was the first caller on the March 16th Sunday show. Twas a great conversation, but there wasn't time to go into my question (title of this post). I'd like to chat with Stef about it soon, so I'll check with Mike about that. I'll put this in context of my life, so we have some thing to work with. I'm a bisexual man (meaning, I can, and have, form romantic & sexual bonds with either gender - gender neutral you could say), and have often wondered how the absence of a father effected me in this regard. I don't have any close male friends - romantic or friendship - that I would consider fulfilling. In general, I find the male physique more impressive than the female, though they both have their attractions, depending on the person. What I care about, of course, is the mind, moral solidarity. I'd often get jests about how I could play both sides by having more choice ... not really true, because gender doesn't matter to me. I'm very lucky to be with a woman with whom I share a strong moral and philosophical solidarity. But, I still desire a fulfilling male presence. Perhaps I always will. Perhaps that little boy, that still waits by the window for an absent father) will always feel that yearning. I dunno. Mike asked an interesting question: What would happen to my attraction to men, if I were to have a fulfilling male relationship in my life? I'm open for a group skype chat about this as well, if anybody is interested. This question has always fascinated me. So, what do you guys think? What effect, if any, could a fatherless childhood have on sexuality?

Ben, So, how'd the weekend go? I gotta tell ya, I felt instantly annoyed by the response from your friend when you tried to reach out to him. I really hate that stoic "whelp, folks'll do whatever they want to do" type of response. It means nothing in a personal relationship, absolutely nothing - you might as well have spoken to a wall. If I were in your position, I'd feel completely dissatisfied with the interaction and wouldn't invest further into the friendship. Let him reach out to you for something other than the usual stuff. Sorry, not trying to impose my perspective onto you. I just instantly felt like I was in your place (because this crap has happened to me enough times in my life) when I read that "response." Feedback and communication are like breathable air to me, in any personal relationship, and when I don't get it (or give it) I will immediately start to feel stifled; along with a level of frustration akin to trying to find that damn light switch on the wall in a pitch black room. I guess, in his way, he did give you some valuable feedback on how he values you as a friend as well as how much he values honest communication. No wonder you're feeling like you no longer wish to invest in the relationship. What was your experience of that conversation? Did you guys have a chance to explore the issue in more depth on Sunday?

Ben, A lot of "deep stuff" to most people can be considered "shallow" in the FDR community; that's been my experience at least. Very satisfiing for some and jarring to others. Dsayers makes a good argument in support of the practical value going may have for you. Ya know, social currency and all. My experience of the conversation thus far is a feeling that this is less about the practical results (social currency for sunday), but more about your curiosity about your ambivalance. Do you still want this person as your friend? Do have a feeling that you "shouldn't" be friends with him? What would happen if you tried to have a deep discussion with him about anything FDRish - or even anything that interests you beyond the superficial stuff you mentioned? If you didn't have contact with this person for, say, 60 days, would you miss the friendship? Sounds like the relationship is kind of unstable and unfulfilling as it exists. I can certainly understand how kids can take up a lot of time as well. You could go, just to see how you feel, note it for future reference, and resolve not to accept future invites if you find yourself feeling uncomfortable. Good for you trying to get in touch with yourself! It's a hard road and takes courage.

Hey Ben, Sounds like you resolved to not go. What is it about this friend that has you feeling ambilvalent about continuing the relationship, or even testing it in this case? Were you feeling that he may not help you this Sunday if you don't attend the party? How do you feel now that you've resolved not to go?

So, a "lawmaker" in NY thinks it might be a good idea to coerce parents into taking parenting classes. I disagree with the principle and the proposed methodology, because both rely upon the abuse of power and use of manipulation to gain compliance. I agree, in principle, that educated and peaceful parents are crucial to a sustainable & fulfilling society. I can also appreciate that this politician likely doesn't know how to behave nor negotiate without the mantel of power to which he has grown accustomed. However, there is no reason to threaten people into compliance by saying your kids can't pass 6th grade if you don't take these classes. Come on man, I know you're a socially retarded politician, but surely you must be able to see how threatening to punish the child because the parent won't take parenting classes is kind of ... oh I dunno, hypocritical and counter productive. I understand the relationship between a parent and child is unique and dynamic. However, there are some values that can be universally applied to all child-parent relationships. Here are a few universal things that could be taught in these classes, without having to threaten people: 1.) Teach parents how to think, reason, and negotiate with their children. This would preferably occur before, and during pregnancy. Just as driving lessons and corrective lens would preferably occur before you send a myopic teenager hurtling down a highway at 75mph. 2.) Educate parents about the long-term negative consequences of corporal punishment and mental abuse (yelling, name calling, manipulation, circumcision, exposure to extreme ideologies like theism, conservatism, progressivism, etc). Spousal abuse is frowned upon, is it not? 3.) Give parents a list of freely (or cheaply) available resources on peaceful parenting, child development, and nutrition. Cause, ya know, hitting, treating kids like adults, and feeding them oreos and ho-hos (holy crap those things are tasty) may not be conducive to their developmental well being. I don't think I'm blowing utopian rainbows out of my ass here. These are things that can be done; if there really was a desire to help create a better society that doesn't rely on violence, manipulation, and coercion to maintain a veneer of civility. Wouldn't it be nice to have a civil society rather than a facade? Wouldn't you feel a bit safer knowing that you are sharing the highway of life with folks that have 20/20 vision and took driving lessons? ps: Here's the G+ version if anybody uses that.

Aye, she is well aware of my ambivalence. I totally get what you're saying about the risk, and a part of me agrees with you 100%. I can also relate to your feeling of isolation and people being against me. I feel very isolated here, in PA, without her. I still have our friends to hang with, but I don't share a very well understood philosophical solidarity with them. I'm not as close with them as I once was because I'm not the same person I was 3 years ago. It's so sad when people don't grow with you, or choose to dig their heals into their current perspectives. I believe the majority of my feelings are, as you say, centered around making such a huge life choice for the first time - basically fear. She'll never abandon me, of that I am certain - she's one of the most loyal people I have ever known. Our separation was probably one of the best things to have happened to our relationship. A large part of me is concerned about having enough money to live on our own. That stems from my insecurity about my employability, which I have been working hard to improve these last few months. My best case scenario would be we both have decent enough jobs to be in our own place by summer 2015. Worst case would be that we're still at her parent's place by then without even anything promising. I can't imagine that happening, I mean, I know things aren't fairly good in some parts of the country (and in general) but I'm a pretty smart guy, we'd figure something out. Going for a 2-year program isn't difficult nor all that costly. Sounds like you'd be stoked about being in my situation! Even still, would you feel some concern about the employment situation, or do you have skills that are easily transferrable? Damn, I knew I should have become a programmer! :-)

She's not quite into philosophy and FDR as I am; but she knows its value, and the positive effect both have had on my life. She and I share a philosophical solidarity in that we agree on many values and principles that I consider a requirement for a romantic relationship. Oh yes, she and I have spoken at great length at the issue of my moving out there vs her moving back here. We both grew up here, in PA, and her entire immediate family (to whom she is rather close) moved to Montana years ago. I'm not close with my family, and really only speak with my mother (who isn't at all pleased about my moving). I'm comfortable with her parents and am pleased with the relationship she has with them. Her parents are libertarian folks, kind of a live and let live type of mind set. I've had many discussions with them about government and such. So, yeah, she and I have discussed a lot. She gets the logic behind my arguments and her parents have reassured me that it's totally fine for us to stay there. Basically, it's up to me. Her preference is to stay there and make the best of it because she feels more at home out there than she ever did in PA. I'm not sure I'm comfortable with the place, but like I said before, it's not the place that matters so much as that we're together. My issue is the ambivalence, and why it's so strong. It's gotten better, but I can't help be feel like this may be one of those instances when I'm not listening to myself. Thing is, I have a history of not listening to myself, so that makes it hard for me to really discern why I'm feeling such ambivalence. Is it just fear of taking a giant step into some discomforting unknowns, or am I really trying to tell myself to ease back a bit. So, that's where it stands. As of now, I'm still proceeding as if I were to move. My last day at my current employer is April 25th - I'll be moving May 9th. It's not too late to change my mind, but the point of no return will be early March due to the time required to arrange transportation and what not. I'm scared and doubt myself frequently, but I'm pushing through because I want to be with her, and it would be kind of nice for us to start over in a new place with folks that don't know our history (especially mine!).

Greetings true bel ... oops, wrong intro .... try again - sorry Stan. Hello all! Long story made short (unless somebody really wants the longer version over skype or something): I've shared an 8-year relationship with a woman that has been my friend for about 9-10 years (I'm 34- she's 33). We separated in the summer of 2013 and after much communication (and mutual listening to FDR podcasts, etc...) we've gotten ourselves to a point where we feel more committed and passionate about moving forward as a couple, but we have a hurdle we must cross in the form of the 2000+ mile distance created when we separated in June 2013 (she moved to Montana). It was during the separation that most of the difficult conversations and negotiations took place to bring us to this point. I visited in her in December, to be sure we were on the right track, and it was shortly after my return that I decided the relationship was worth a deeper commitment. Fast forward through more conversation and negotiation, and we come to the issue: I'm now preparing to move to MT in May to be with her. But, I'm experiencing frequent bouts of ambivalence about my moving out there, and I don't understand why. I have some ideas and theories, but nothing clear, nothing "AH HA!" I have a history of not listening to myself ... so, is this one of those times when I'm trying to tell myself that going out there isn't the smartest of ideas? I keep working through it, trying to understand the ambivalence. All of the reasons are fear of the unknown, as best as I can tell at this point. Fear of the job market, fear of leaving my current job, fear of her and I not being able to make it (financially) and have to move away again, fear of feeling overly dependent on her parents until she and I can find our own place. And the worst fear of all, is that I still don't trust myself, not completely. I have mismanaged (not being open nor emotionally available, sadistic, prone to manipulation) the last several years of my life, and while I no longer abuse myself over it, I'm still raw and uncertain about that history. Kind of like a broken arm that is freshly healed - it's tender and requires more care than normal. She is willing to come back here, despite it not being her preference. We've both said, "I don't care where we live, or if we have to live in a damn trailer, home is where you are." Right now, the money is here, but my current employer won't last much longer (business is failing), but there are a couple of other opportunities here I may be able to take advantage of if I work my ass off to show my value to these potential employers. When I think of her coming back, the ambivalence disappears, and I feel relaxed - more in control of the situation. Moving to Montana feels like "OMG, the pilot just passed out, quick somebody fly this damn thing - aaahh mountains!" There are pros and cons to living in each area, for the both of us. What I'm concerned about is understanding this near constant ambivalence. Am I trying to warn myself away because I don't believe it's an economically viable choice, or am I just expressing my habitual aversion to risk and lack of courage to commit to a major decision? I understand feeling afraid and uncertain about such a major decision, but I can't help wondering why I'm so scared some times. I've never done anything like this before, and most of my life has been very easy and lucky. Most of what I have is due to luck, not because I have proven my value to an employer and am being fairly compensated, and certainly not because I took any risks to get here. I don't have a job lined up, but I'm a pretty smart guy and am networking as best as I can so I can hit the ground running when I get there. I'm sure I'd eventually find a job, but the economy out there is such that there may not be the opportunity that I have here. I could try to make my own opportunity, but that is something I'd have to figure out when I get there as it would be far easier to work locally. She and I both considering going back to 2-year technical school where I can expand my internet technology knowledge, and she would refocus on her first college interest of a job in the medical industry (sonographer, surgical tech, something like that). I have enough money to move myself out there with some savings to spare, but not much. I'd be perfectly happy to help cover the expense of her moving back since she won't have enough to cover the return move to PA, if that is what we decided to do. We both agree we need to continue improving our relationship by being together - long distance is no longer cutting it. The fact that we were able to repair things and actually improve them at such a great distance is something I value highly, and I'm not letting go of that easily. She and I share a firm philosophical solidarity, something I really came to appreciate when I tried dating other people during our separation. What do you guys think? Would anybody be willing to help me understand what's going on for me? I have no problem with forums, but I generally prefer skype because it's more efficient, and I enjoy the immediate feedback loop of a live conversation. Plus, I'm a talker, but not nearly as much as the legendary BCF.

The Best Informative, Brain-Boosting Podcasts Worth Subscribing To Hey guys please cast your votes for FDR -- ya know, if you feel so inclined! I created an entry but I see somebody else beat me to it. You'll need to Scroll a bit to see the entry. More votes will fix that!

Cool; let us know how it turns out!

Hello! I'm gonna be straight with you as if you were my close friend: There is no way I'd encourage or condone what you're about to do. Here's why: 1: Hormone check...silence the penis. 2: Listen to your initial instincts on the matter...if you doubt your initial instincts please refer to step 1. 3: You're nearly 30 and considering a relationship with a girl of 16 years; doesn't matter how young you look. Read that again. 4: You already know what you feel you need to do otherwise you wouldn't be seeking advice on this forum. I doubt anybody responding to this post will condone your choice to date this girl. I believe you came here as a counter balance to the peer pressure you've gotten thus far from the locals. Your instincts initially told you to back off, I would listen to those instincts and seek the company of a person closer to your age - plus or minus 5-6 years, maybe? - and give some introspection as to why you're even considering dating this girl. Yes, I said girl, not woman. Are you prepared to deal with her parents? If she has issues with her father, are you prepared to deal with that? Consider the responses you're seeing here to be an echo of your initial instincts.