meeri

I have been away from Freedomainradio for a few years and I’m back! Not quite sure why yet. Choosing to stop listening to and contributing to Freedomainradio several years ago was an important step in my personal journey to become more authentic, autonomous and free, and I have developed my emotional and mental life, as well as understanding of myself and the world to the point that I want to hear more from Stefan again, and feel this show and this community can contribute a lot to deepen my understanding further. I owe my thanks to the people in this community who encouraged me to go to therapy several years ago, and now I am in the process of becoming a therapist myself. I want to be the best therapist I can possibly be, and I am certain I can be a good one, and I feel I can be an even better one by listening to this show, and engaging in the arguments, whether on my own or in this community. I have been listening to some of the recent call in shows and the discussions are incredibly interesting. Everyone I’ve heard calling in to the show so far have been incredibly articulate, honest and vulnerable, and humble in the best possible way. I realise how much I have missed these important and exciting conversations and I am grateful to all. Something about the tone of the conversations feels different compared to a few years back...Stefan seems more confident, knowledgeable as ever, and more empathetic towards the callers. Of course...it could just be me who’s different. I agree with what Stefan says about the state and the non-aggression principle, and living a principled, peaceful life. I both agree and disagree with a lot of his interpretations when it comes to men and women, gender differences and relations. This is where I hope to gain most clarity when it comes to my own thinking and I am certain the shows will help me do that. It would be great to hear from people who remember me from this community a few years back. If you do, please say hello! And I look forward to exploring the site again. Thanks for reading, Meeri

Sounds great, this seems like a lovely walk with a combination of hills, woodland and my favourite, water:) it might be a bit tricky to get to, the closest station seems to be Farnham about 5 miles away but then there are always cars and buses..

Great idea xelent! I'm interested and free to join the call on 15th! I prefer activity based meet ups too, walks and cycling are great and cheap, kayaking and sailing could be an option too although there's of course the cost to consider..

What's the difficulty you have with the responses? How did it make you feel?

Hi annadious, first I'd like to say that I'm very sorry you're in this difficult situation. Divorce is never easy and is bound to be life-changing in many ways. Therapy is certainly something I would suggest and perhaps your husband would be willing to consider it as well? I'm curious, what's wrong with breaking a promise?

Some Christmas songs:)

Hi Mishelle, thank you for sharing your experience. I am very sorry this time is bringing up some difficult emotions for you. All I can say is that I sympathise with your sadness and loneliness, and the fear of experiencing them. Loneliness particularly, was something I wasn't allowed to experience as a child and something I repressed. In the last couple of weeks, as these feelings have come up, rather than avoiding them, I've tried to let myself experience them fully. These feelings carry a deep pain and heaviness, something I've never felt before but there was something in experiencing them that has made me feel relaxed and open in strange, new and positive way. I'm not sure if this is of any help at all but I hope you will find some clarity and best of luck.

Thanks for clarifying xelent:)

Thanks:) is this a popular FDR topic? I don't recall coming across it before

Thank you Holo Cene and Mishelle:) and a wonderful Christmas to you!

Great idea! What's PUA?

There's perhaps more of that with birthday cards: look at all the people who remembered my birthday, they cared.. I think with Christmas people get into this continuous loop of they sent me a card so I need to send them a card so they will send me a card.. I doubt anybody puts a whole lot of thought into these. As to holiday blues.. it's my first Christmas since defoo so I'm expecting some of it for sure. I'm even a bit excited to see what happens, it feels like a kind of milestone. I will definitely listen in on Christmas Eve.

I find a good way is to try to understand that overwhelming emotion that precedes reaching for those foods. Therapy is very helpful for that. You may then find the impulses easier to control.

Thanks Kevin! Yes, I think this makes a lot more sense now. So, 'we shouldn't hold ourselves to higher standards than those we interact with' means that we don't 'owe' virtue, it needs to be earned. Just like it's not virtuous to be honest with a guy who breaks into our house and asks where our wife is, it's not just to give violent parents love and affection. Just like when we honestly tell the guy where our wife is, we're not doing it out of integrity to honesty but out of fear and lack of love to our wife; when we give violent parents love and affection (by their definition), it's not because we're just and virtuous but because we're afraid. Saying so would be hypocritical, a form of cowardice. I still understand that it would be me doing the exploitation but I may be missing something. Perhaps it's the exploitation inherent in dishonesty and hypocrisy? By seeing violent parents and saying we do it out of love is exploitive because we are using them to manage our anxiety of confronting them?

Awesome thanks! He talks about this at the end of part 3

Apologies if this has been dealt with before, I did a search but couldn't find anything in the archives. I listened to 'An Introduction to Virtue' series and I'm unsure about something. Stef says that in most cases it's cowardice to hold ourselves to higher values than those we interact with, that it's a form of exploitation. Why is that? I'm thinking it's because we can't claim to be virtuous if we interact with people who are not? For example, if I say I'm against violence but still see my parents, then in effect I'm not against violence as I'm accepting their behaviour. But why is it exploitation? I would very much appreciate any clarification.

Right, it's certainly fascinating. It seems like it would be fun for the baby too. But I'm just guessing. It would be interesting to hear from parents who have tried it.

I'm wondering how much value teaching sign language adds vs being open and empathetic to the baby's needs? I would think every baby has some way of communicating what they need and want, whether you teach them sign language or not. Or does sign language significantly improve the communication?

That's interesting. I remember the baby in the movie 'Meet the Fockers' knew sign language and I always wondered whether there's truth in it. It would be great to see this video if you don't mind sharing it?

Alice Miller or Susan Forward's Toxic Parents

Wow Lians, I'm terribly sorry you had to go through that.

Of course, if that's helpful. But I admit I need to give this a lot more thought, and get the male perspective. It would definitely be good to have a chat about it.

Sure, it's not entirely clear to me either. I still feel a lot of confusion and a kind of helplessness surrounding this whole topic. But I feel like we're treating the male issues and female issues as two separate topics when in reality they are one huge conversation with equal weight on both, and both being pretty interlinked. And I don't mean any of that all-is-one nonsense. It just feels to me that treating these two issues as separate is another thing aimed at keeping men and women apart, increasing the isolation. I still agree with Stef that women bare more responsibility as they have more power in this regard. I may of course, be projecting and avoiding something from my own history, or completely misunderstanding.

Thank you for clarifying. Would you like to tell me a bit more about that anger and self-attack?

No, I don't think or feel this is true. I think my posts on other threads have reflected that. I think the point I was trying to make was that I don't know how to have this conversation without reference to females. This may entirely be a projection on my part and I may be missing something important here.