Lens

The aliens are most likely your parents and I thought that the people you are trying to help with your ambulance are maybe your brothers and sisters or people you loved in your childhood who were also victims of your parents. Did you try to undo your parents' deeds when you were a child ? I felt that your parents always ruined your efforts to help/save the people in need like in the dream the aliens were overpowering and they had the last word. The fact that you are human inside a robot body means that you have not lost your humanity and you have not become a psychopath (real robot inside and out) but on the outside you had to show that you are one of them otherwise they would try to destroy you even further. This analysis is my personal view I hope it helps you to understand your dream, this dream shows that you know very well the nature of your family and also shows you your good nature.

Thank you very much for your post it is very encouraging to see policemen as aware persons and so sorry that you have do things that are against your values. Your work place is like many work places full of abuse and arrogance. The whole society is just like your work place and many other work places. I also hope that you will intervene also in favour of protecting children when you see them being abused in public. Best of luck!!

Sometimes it is important to intervene especially when the child is really in danger. In danger of being killed or in danger of becoming crazy because of the coldness of the parents. I intervened few times and it went well I also made sure that my phone was audio recording in the background in case of anything goes wrong with the parent. My strategy is to intervene with a smile and concern for the parent but in my heart I intervene for the child and also don't blame the parent because the parent will dump the blame on the child when they are home. Concerning flyers I will paste here a flyer from Alice Miller website about the roots of violence it can inspire you to create a pamphlet on your own. Source: http://www.alice-miller.com/flyers_en.php?page=2 Spanking is counterproductive and dangerous Why spankings, slaps, and even apparently harmless blows like pats on the hand are dangerous for a baby? They teach it violence. They destroy the absolute certainty of being loved that the baby needs. They cause anxiety: the expectancy of the next attack. They convey a lie: they pretend to be educational, but parents actually use them to vent their anger; when they strike, it's because, as children, they were struck themselves. They provoke anger and a desire for revenge, which remain repressed, only to be expressed much later. They program the child to accept illogical arguments (I'm hurting you for your own good) that stay stored up in their body. They destroy sensitivity and compassion for others and for oneself, and hence limit the capacity to gain insight. What long-term lessons does the baby retain from spankings and other blows?The baby learns: That a child does not deserve respect. That good can be learned through punishment (which is actually wrong, punishment merely teaches the children to want to punish in their own turn). That suffering mustn't be felt, it must be ignored (which is dangerous for the immune system). That violence is a manifestation of love (fostering perversion). That denial of feeling is healthy (but the body pays the prize of this error, often much later). How is repressed anger very often vented?In childhood and adolescence: By making fun of the weak. By hitting classmates. By annoying the teachers. By watching TV and playing video games to experience forbidden and stored up feelings of rage and anger, and by identifying with violent heroes. (Children who have never been beaten are less interested in cruel films, and, as adults, will not produce horror shows). In adulthood: By perpetuating spanking, as an apparently educational and effective means, often heartily recommended to others, whereas in actual fact, one's own suffering is being avenged on the next generation. By refusing to understand the connections between previously experienced violence and the violence actively repeated today. The ignorance of society is thereby perpetuated. By entering professions that demand violence. By being gullible to politicians who designate scapegoats for the violence that has been stored up and which can finally be vented with impunity: "impure" races, ethnic "cleansing", ostracized social minorities, other religious communities etc. Because of obedience to violence as a child, by readiness to obey any authority which recalls the authority of the parents, as the Germans obeyed Hitler, the Russians Stalin, the Serbs Milosevic. Conversely, some become aware of the repression and universal denial of childhood pain, realizing how violence is transmitted from parents to children, and stop hitting children regardless of age. This can be done (many have succeeded) as soon as one has understood that the causes of the "educational" violence are hidden in the repressed history of the parents. This text can be distributed without any changes, additions or cuts.

Matthew: what you need is empathy and compassion for yourself having been in abusive environment is not easy to get out of it. I have lived in a very abusive family I felt very guilty when I decided to defoo. Now I don't feel much guilt for not calling and I didn't see them for 5 years now and will most likely never see them again. Therapy will most likely help you to build a sense of self which was crushed by your family. PTSD heals with self compassion and commitment and it takes time. Having been in a concentration camp for years doesn't heal in 24 hours be patient. Also journal about your work issues and write about what you are afraid of and what you would like to achieve. Again you are not guilty what you are going thru is a logical outcome of abuse. Your future therapist should have these qualities of empathy and compassion you need those to learn to give them to yourself. Most people on earth unconsciously treat themselves with contempt and hatred like their parents treated them in childhood that is why it is still difficult to find therapists or friends who will not ask you to forgive, forget and move on. Try this podcast about a listener who is in the same situation as you are the podcast title is Courage http://cdn.media.freedomainradio.com/feed/FDR_1254_Courage.mp3 Another one is about empathy for the unfree http://cdn.media.freedomainradio.com/feed/empathy_part_2.mp3 Escaping isolation. I think this one will talk to you in a big way It’s s long podcast try to listen to the last call from 3h 35min till the end http://cdn.media.freedomainradio.com/feed/FDR_2588_Wednesday_Show_15_Jan_2014.mp3

In my view abuse is not a consequence of us children having been small and powerless but being surrounded by abusive and violent giant adults. Your statement is full of guilt feelings and that is maybe why you still feel helpless and find it difficult to move on to a safer place away from your abusive family. The fear that comes after you say "no more” is the one that you need to respect, feel and overcome and maybe you need a therapist to support you to go through that wall. If you stay it’s because you do not want to face the harsh reality that you had parents that did not love you or care for you but put you through very difficult times and this was not your fault but theirs. Try to do baby steps and get away from your family at your own pace, unfortunately the fear is unavoidable and it is through this fear that you will become stronger but keep in mind that you cannot be free as long as you have them around and expecting them to change. Abusive people never change. You need to run away and save your life!

Anger is one of your natural and healthy emotions it is better to not to get rid of it but to love it dearly, try to understand it and express it. When you become angry it is usually a sign that you are being abused. There is also anger as a defence against a more agonizing emotion like deep sadness and anguish. In my view if you get rid of your anger you get rid of the fence that protects you from dangerous wolves. Try writing about your anger and give it a voice and see how you feel after. Have you listened to this ? http://cdn.media.freedomainradio.com/feed/FDR_363_The_Joy_Of_Anger_Part_1.mp3 http://cdn.media.freedomainradio.com/feed/FDR_364_The_Joy_Of_Anger_Part_2.mp3

Thank you for this video it should make people think seriously about leaving their baby's bodies intact.

You can excel in fields where you can compare yourself to others on objective and agreed upon standards like running 1000m and arriving first then you are declared the winner this would not mean you are morally better than those who arrived 2nd 3rd etc. Self knowledge is subjective because it is a personal endeavour coming from a personal need to achieve more peace, good self-esteem and freedom and also to know what you want to do in life despite other’s criticism or lack of support internal or external. So excellence in self knowledge would be in my view a non sense it’s like saying I am better at loving chocolate than other people then I deserve a recognition. If you feel that you need to be better at self knowledge therefore you will always feel dependent on others to compare yourself with thinking that self knowledge is kind of a competition. When you enjoy knowing who you are generally you do not wanna care who is enjoying more or less than you. In my view running after excellence and recognition in present life is a way to deny the lack of love and lack of being praised in childhood it is an illusion of love. I prefer the word courage to the word excellence.

Imagine as a child you had one of your parents hearing you doubting yourself and thinking that you were a bad person I bet they would have said to you "Oh well there must be a good reason to feel that maybe you're really bad". There are a lot of people that talk like that to their children and feel no remorse and they make their children feel bad and miserable and I am sure, like many of us, you internalized a lot of their false opinion about you and you thought that you really were a bad person. Also I deeply agree with Sashajade that it is a good thing to be able to feel the pain of it, certainly deep down in your body you know that you are a good person but it is your family poison that throttles you to feel good about you. Now you need to anger and reject that poison and refuse to believe them this will make you feel a lot of fear but it is not dangerous just intense feelings of fear. Nathaniel Branden self-esteem series can help you to believe more in yourself.

I have a theory about your disgust and see if it resonates with you. I think you are pushing yourself to believe the lies of others, so suppose this actress is playing a role in the movie and also playing a role in real life so in both scenarios she is faking it and you are trying to believe her because you think you have no choice, but your body is smart enough to give you disgust and anger in my view your body is saying a clear NO. It is a war inside you between the truth and the lie, between conformism and rebellion (anger and disgust) and the body/intuition knows faster than the brain. Here your feelings of disgust can be a real help to guide you in life at first these feelings are awful but you can learn to control them and use them to know the truth. These techniques were forbidden to us as children we were forbidden to see behind the lies of our mothers so we had to believe that they were perfect women and that we were the ones to blame because we were made to think we were deficient. Something similar is getting triggered in the present when you are confronted with lies and you conform by believing in those lies which produces anger and disgust. I hope my explanation was not too difficult to understand please let me know if this resonates with you.

My previous thoughts were about manipulative parents that they can be right sometimes but they lack wisdom, that was my idea because I presumed your parents were abusive to you in childhood. I read your second post it looks like you had good parents so I do not know why you chose a bad relationship. I can tell you that only you can know why you chose that girl and you can do that thru self-knowledge and journaling. I am sure it will help you to avoid painful relationships in the future.

If you parents were right does not mean they were right all the time especially during your childhood years. A bad person who view himself good can very well tell you "don't go with bad people". Psychopaths view themselves as "good people" it's surreal sometimes the level of denial. The best way is to trust your feelings and yes bad people sometimes can be right this does not mean they are wise.

What a difficult situation that can be!! Religion is a symptom of much suffering inside. In my view becoming atheist should not be a goal but it is a logical outcome when you begin to see the truth, so in regards to your son the goal should not be to ask him to leave religion but to ask him what hurt him the most in his childhood and try to help him to face it. But if he chooses to not to listen to you then you should respect his wish because we cannot force people to open their eyes forcing your son to do something that pleases you will only serve your needs to feel relieved from your guilt feelings as a parent.

I think it is the toughest battle to win because the majority say like this: "I was spanked and I turned out well" or something like: "I was spanked but it didn't hurt me, other than that my childhood was happy" or "my dad beat me and I turned out a rich and independent man" etc etc I can tell you it's massive. What preoccupies me it's all these newborn children are put in daycare as young as 6 months old it is a horrible prospect for the future and brutal lack of bonding which inevitably produce very angry and apathetic adults.

Hi Kurtis I feel you have found a place where you feel safe and good with yourself I can feel it in your writings. I hope with time everyone of us can reach a sense of peace and acceptance of who we really are. I learned through struggle that the most difficult thing to go through is to see how evil our parents were and that to not see it and feeling guilty instead is just a defence mechanism it is to avoid fear and pain they just cannot love us back. I remember hearing Stefan talking how hard is to face and confront evil in our past and how liberating such an experience can be. Thank you very much for your words above.

I was thinking the other day about this topic about the more one remembers childhood instances of abuse the more one can finally feel allowed to grow. I think it is because we may have had narcissistic parents that arrested our development because they needed us that way, being that way immature and always in need of their conditional and illusory love. The fear of growing is actually the fear of a small child that wants to finally disconnect from the attachement to the parents and to become an adult with needs and wants it is also the fear of discovering that the love was not real but an illusion to keep us chained to them for life, it is a mechanism to protect us from acute pain in childhood. Another fear is the fear of abandonment/rejection that parents feel and that we sense it and we wish to spare them. So the scary part you asking about is your fear and the fear of your internalized and real family. Growing from being a child and becoming an adult is the delicate process of a successful therapy in my view. Your topic is really important.

For most of these so called fighters they once have been the slaves of their own parents as defenceless babies now they do the same to others what has been done to them in infancy without knowing. And no one wants to know why they are so angry and why they want to kill everyone. I can only sympathise deeply with those who have become slaves of these brutal sociopaths.

You said "I would need to feel a sense of safety before I could really feel this pain". That sentence is really important and it shows you know what you need which is to feel safe and empathic with yourself in order to feel the old pain of not being loved by your parents. The pain of not being loved is very painful and needs time to be processed not all at once but slowly. There is an exercise that could help you to feel safe though it takes a little time: Look at yourself in the mirror and give yourself love and acceptance, at first it will seem impossible you will feel embarrassed and ridiculous but that is how you have been viewed by your parents as a child we are not born with self hatred the hatred was inflicted upon us. The goal is to change that self perception into an unconditional self-acceptance so every morning and every night before sleep promise yourself that you will never let yourself down, do this in front of a mirror with the eye contact. Your defences will kick in to try to stop you from appreciating your true value you need to resist and anger and hate those who hated you as a child it may seem impossible sometimes but resist. We all have the right to be happy and content with who we are it is a universal right. Have patience because recovering from child abuse takes sometimes many years so be patient with yourself.

Bonjour Marc, I was very moved by your text and I cried. Yes that is what I meant. Guess what! back then I didn't grasp it as deeply as I do now I am grateful to you reminding me that with what I said back then I was on the best path to freedom but I was so much afraid last year and I was very unsure of everything so much fear I had to deal with after that. Now I am much more free in my life and enjoy it more and more, like you I did it by experiencing overwhelming fear and keep on doing what it was good for me despite the fear. I had to let go many people and banned my entire sick and pervert family in order to get to where I am now. I do not regret one second reading Alice Miller. This forum helped me a lot in achieving my freedom but Alice Miller’s books are what really helped to understand my life drama and why I was so miserable. I literally put those books into practice. There was also Stefan Molyneux if he reads this message I wanna tell you Stefan: Thank you so much for helping me to get out of a very sick 7 year relationship with my ex. When I called you last year I thought life was not worth living and didn’t see a way out. Now it is so different, I am smoke free and I love myself so much, much of the time. I am so so much grateful to you Stefan. Marc I am sure for you it was about feeling that old fear after stopping doing that cleaning compulsion that made you aware of what you didn't want to feel for such a long time (almost your entire life), your loneliness, despair and above all your fear then you said AHA!! that what Lens meant. We really learn by experience not so much by reading. In your experience you describe so many people's lives, people who are stuck with many compulsions like smoking or masturbating or even being in a bad relationship and think that is what they deserve in life but very few dare to overcome their fear and stop betraying themselves some of them think they need permission to be good with themselves. At that crucial moment you stopped cleaning, others may do the same just like you and ask themselves “what is going on ?” “why do i need this compulsion ?” “do I have the right to know what is behind my obsessions?” "can I know it?" "can I leave my bad relationship?" very few ask these questions, because it takes courage to get out of denial, you have to know where you are in order to leave, but unfortunately when these courageous people ask for help from therapists or friends to find answers to their essentials questions they get dismissed sometimes even shamed and labeled by being too complicated or too much curiosity. I quote Alice Miller "Trust your feelings and your thoughts. Take them seriously. It happens quite often that people who read my books don't feel understood by therapists who are scared by the issue of childhood. You are free to ask questions and to test the received answers. The child was afraid of punishment, when she had doubts, the adult has the right to question EVERYTHING without being punished. Your doubts may be very essential, very important messages. Listen to them. They have nothing to do with paranoia." Marc I congratulate you for standing up to your internalized father it’s like you said to yourself: “I will not clean, I no longer need my dad's false love and I will learn to not to be afraid of my feelings because I am no longer a helpless child. I will learn to love the little Marc and meet his unmet needs now, of love and quiet”. I encourage you to repeat that experience more and more even if it brings overwhelming pain and sorrow but pain doesn't last forever. By healing you are also saving your children's future and their self-esteem. The more you feel your old pain the more you’ll understand and empathize with your children's suffering and needs and learn to meet them, also forgive yourself because as a child you were never guilty and had no choice but to live with a sick father, work for you and for your children you guys deserve ALWAYS a better life everyday. Share with your children your story your truth and tell them about your childhood it will help them to understand that it is not their fault that their papa has issues and it will lift unnecessary big weight from their very small shoulders. This work takes time, much time so be very patient and don't treat yourself like your father treated you. Trust you feelings and DREAMS. The best reward is freedom and LIFE itself. I wish you all the best Bonne journée. Mohamed (Lens)

@Lens: Wow, thank you. Can I ask what you mean when you say he was using me? Can you explain that? I've never thought of that. Hi Nigel, In the context of a father or any caregiver who feels needy or bored and adults around him don't give him attention he can force attention from a child to alleviate his loneliness and deeply rooted boredom, because lonely children generally do not say no to attention. The child is used like a game console or a doll they are played with to have "fun" and then when the fun is over the game console is shut down or the doll is thrown away at once. The child cannot see through this (too painful) that it is not his needs that are met by the father but the father's unmet needs are being met by the child (the child becomes the parent). Later on this child becomes an adult and repeat unconsciencely (without knowing) these scenarios like becoming a people pleaser, becoming a sex toy for his/her partner, having difficulties saying no, being with friends that their needs come first etc etc. It is a way for this (adult) former child to avoid being abandoned or rejected and can secure "love" from his entourage by being selfless with no needs. It is also to avoid legitimate suffering and feeling the pain of the former child for being used for the fun of others so you can see in a way we repeat the same pattern to avoid seeing the father/mother for who he really is just a narcissistic guy who's needs come first and his lack of empathy for his child's needs and feelings. But there is a the guilt trap that you may want to avoid. You said above that your grandfather assisted you in many ways and that is true but he also inflicted pain on you when you were a helpless child by abandoning you in your suffering and that is cowardice from his part there is no excuse for treating you poorly. Generally the abuse - at least the physical abuse - stops when we become adults because we are taller, stronger and we can defend ourselves with words our parents/caregivers know this very well and that is why they don't hit us anymore because now as adults we can leave but they don't want that because they are emotionally dependent on us (grownups). I coud see through this in my therapy and I left (defooed) because in my family their needs always come first and to manipulate me they helped me financially to keep me an ally and loyal to them but I am loyal to no one but me and I left. If you are currently in therapy try to talk about your experiences from the perspective of the child you once were and see how you feel about it if tears (pain) would come up to the surface try to not to suppress them if there are no emotions try again and again and journal about it, imagine you are that child when writing, you will finally have those banished emotions back. When I was a child I have been played with by both my father and my mother as a toy. I had some of the memories but no feelings, slowly I allowed myself to feel this betrayal in therapy it wasn't easy at all it brought me much much bitterness, fear, sadness and rage, I felt relived after expressing my trues feelings it also permitted me to see how a child (little me) feels about that since I got in touch with my childhood feelings which were blocked in the past. It got me back the empathy for myself and will not let anyone use me again and if people now want to use me I now can let them know that I do not accept that and I say NO. There are many stories on the Internet like your story and my story very courageous persons are breaking the walls of silence and got much support in return I hope you get much support and understanding (empathy) too in your path for self-knowledge. This is a very very helpful podcast from Stefan Molyneux about comforting abusers and neglecters I hope you'll listen to it, I am sure it will be very much helpful. http://cdn.media.freedomainradio.com/feed/FDR_437_Vulnerability.mp3 Also read the book "The drama of the gifted child" latest edition, it's a small book packed with many examples. I wish you much luck and courage and thank you again for allowing yourself to be vulnerable and sharing your story Lens

Hi Kevin, I find that you employ a mathematical reasoning to explain pain ? Where are your emotions ? I am curious about that You may disagree on words but I hope you feel angry and outraged about how this person was treated as a child and left alone with his feelings of despair. Luckily I could find some indignations in a small paragraph at the end of your post. Concerning this: as it is not people that are immoral, but moral propositions, which are inherent in action. I find it so not important personally because it feels like someone is saying "Oh It wasn't my father who was violent it was only his actions were violent otherwise he is a loving dad" Or something like this "My father didn't hurt me it's only his actions did otherwise he is calm most of the time" it feels the inconscience childhood fear behind those statements, because when we were small we could have faced severe punishment if we displayed our genuine feelings of anger and indignation. That is why people (society) are afraid of anger and those who display a lot of anger in public are put in psychiatric hospital and on heavy meds "for their own good" because they are "out of control" fortunately there are few therapists very few whom they do not fear their past and welcome their patients anger and can encourage their patients to express it fully towards the real culprits so it can resolve itself with time. I hope I made myself clear on that I condemn the father and the grandfather (perpetrators actively or passively) and not the child who is clearly a victim the way Stefan raised his daughter with active listening to her needs could give you an practical example to never ever leave a child alone in his pain. This podcast is in my view a very important one it explains how and why society is pro parent and not pro child Lens

I read your post and I was moved by your memories. You are describing a childhood of loneliness and abandonment and the only way for you to not to feel this loneliness as a child is to play hide and seek so you can convince yourself that you are being loved. Your father most likely used you by playing with you and when he is bored he stopped playing without telling you anything and without respect for your child feelings. A child left without explanation has no other choice but to feel guilty because he thinks he is no joy for his parents. I do not think there is any moral explanation to this for you as child your loneliness is a feeling all feelings are legitimate. You must feel anger that your grandfather left you there without soothing your fear because who knows what would have happened to you falling from the stairs. Would you now leave a child without rescuing him when you see him falling of the stairs? I am sure not. Your grandfather showed you how cold he can be when the situation urges him to recuse you and to provide a safe environment so you can digest your fear and heal your wounds, that unfortunately didn't happen. Morality in my view hides the facts and the plain and raw truth that you lived with a family that didn't care about your feelings and if you want to use the word morality then you may call your family immoral for not being there for you as a child you were innocent and you had needs and clearly they were unmet. Any child would love to have playful parents but when the parents use the child to play and get out of their boredom that is immoral in my view but a child is NEVER immoral because his brain is in formation so he doesn't know what is right or wrong he is learning but adults who never question their deeds or behaviour are the ones to blame not the child. I hope you can see this and feel your sadness about being so lonely in your childhood, once you can feel this you will feel much less alone in the world because you become aware of what happened to you emotionally and you no longer need to justify your father or grandfather attitude because it was wrong to not to give you the attention you so much needed as a child. Again thank you for your text it was important to share it with us Lens

I admire your clarity in the dream but also in the real life after confronting your "father". I am glad you discovered your anger and rage through your dream. for me it is the child you once were (memory) is telling you how much danger there was surrounding you, it is overwhelming to see how much a concentration camp you were living in. What a delight also to see that you smiled at the end of your text, it's like your body is fully relaxed after saying the TRUTH about your childhood and in time you will discover more and know yourself more. I believe that your fear and panic when you met your father were the illusion of losing "love" if you said and expressed your true feelings but after seeing his coldness your expectation for him to show empathy vanished and the fear vanished with it. I think that is how healing works when we stop to expect the love that we didn't get and will never get for them because they are monsters. You are so courageous my friend you did a very important step. What if your father showed you love now? Would that heal your wounds ? Absolutely not! Your childhood pain is still alive in your body and you can feel it and also dream from/about it, it showing you why you feel what you feel now so you can make the connections and have peace. It is those feelings of the child that are yet to be expressed slowly and fully so you can live free, the love of your father or mother will not change anything in the present, now that you begin to take good care of yourself you'll be able to receive the love of people as gift, free, guiltless and shameless in the present moment without illusions. Congratulations you are becoming who you really are. I am so so happy for you! Lens

Hi, Self criticism is in general less harmful than criticism of others. In my own experience when I stopped criticizing myself I was flooded with fear because I decided to treat myself in a decent way. I had two choices whether to criticize and abuse myself like my parents did when I was a child or to stand by myself even if I was disobeying the rule (hating myself). I found out that the feelings of fear actually came from my childhood but they were hidden by my self criticism. In my view and also from personal experience I overcame self criticism by facing it by stopping it and by feeling the fear that is behind it that way I overcame it and it took me time. This doesn't happen over night. Are you open with yourself about your childhood experiences ? Did your parents inflict on your corporal punishment for doing things they qualify to be wrong ? Did they shame you or ignored you when you did something good to yourself in childhood ? Good luck Lens

You went through hell my friend I experienced a hell like that in my childhood and believe me no child should have gone through that. It is a total insanity that these people don’t fucking question their actions and after they come like victims (cowards) and ask for forgiveness. Please read my post in its entirety it may help you to overcome your feelings of guilt. Religions, ideologies and society preach forgiveness. When I described the horror of my childhood to my old friends they all without exception asked me to forgive and move on. I didn’t listen to them for one reason. The reason behind why everyone is asking me to forgive my cruel parents ? Why there is majority of people that ask to forgive why this obsession with forgiveness. And when a majority agrees on something there is room to investigate because something may be wrong. Usually majority choose the easy path that leads to more denial. When I talked about my anger and rage toward my caregivers for letting me live a miserable childhood at their hands everyone among my friends was outraged but not enough to stand by the child I was they indirectly took a stand with my former abusers. They encouraged me to feel my anger but in their view I had to forgive because the feelings of guilt will kill me and again in their view there is no way out but to forgive otherwise I’ll be stuck in hatred. All these friends now do not talk to me because they fear their own repressed feelings of fear and anger triggered by my words and my tragic childhood. I listened to these people for sometime and I listened to my feelings especially to my body what is telling me and discovered that clearly I won’t die if I do not forgive my parents and family for the crimes they did and they will not die because I decided to not to forgive. At first I was afraid to be labeled as a bad person for not forgiving but chose to dive into this childhood fear and investigate it, I found out that I was afraid to be punished if I didn’t forgive just like a child who is asked to love his/her parents, abusive as they are or were. I allowed myself to feel that feeling of fear it came with a huge emotional pain the pain that I had to suppress to survive as a child and now I am an adult I can stand up for my genuine and justified feelings of hatred, disgust and contempt towards my cruel caregivers. When I decided to not to forgive I opened the door to these awful feelings. I expressed them in my therapy until I was over and felt them to the fullest. I am lucky to have a therapist who stands by the child I was and not by my abusive parents. Ask yourself why do you need to forgive ? and for what ? I believe this forgiveness bullshit is part of the propaganda drummed on us children while our brain and neurones were forming it is no surprise that it almost made part of our “genes". My mom came to me (by phone) 2 years ago she told me that she was a bad mom and that she mistreated me, didn’t protect me and she was sorry and asked that one day I would forgive her. I was ambivalent I didn’t know if I had to or should forgive. Later I knew that she was suffering guilt feelings and she wanted a relief by my forgiveness which was and again up to me to take care of her feelings and take care of her unmet childhood needs. When we talked again I asked her why didn’t she think twice before abusing me I asked her the REAL QUESTIONS that the former child I was, couldn’t afford to ask, she couldn’t answer them but gave me empty words. When I was a child there was no mean to talk to my mom and stand up to her I would have been crushed by her beatings and slaps. Now that I grew up in size she cannot do anything to me and I can defend myself with WORDS and not let them inflict guilt upon me like they used to do it in the past. Many parents (former abused children) forgave theirs for all the deeds and the abuse they suffered from later when they had children they abused them more or less in the same way. If the mind tricks us into forgiving cruelty the body will not let itself be fooled and we become sick if we do not listen to the inner child. Imposed forgiveness whether by others or the self can lead to depression because our mind and body know how much we endured and we will not be fooled by religion bullshit of forgiveness. In the end I want also say that many of us may at times feel pity for the parent of today because they have become ill, old and maybe some are even suffering and we may feel that it is time to forgive just like in the movies so they can feel relief. But I will ask you to think about the child you were, tiny, helpless, small, dependent and needy, and how they responded to your needs and did they have pity when you were terrorized and traumatized by all the abuse you went through and they didn't protect you. Please think and feel about that deeply your truth is in there. Don’t swallow your justified anger. If you put your anger behind you, you may get sick or depressed. I hope you will give room to your TRUE feelings YOURS and not what others EXPECT you to feel. Article about forgiveness that I greatly benefited from: http://www.alice-miller.com/articles_en.php?lang=en&nid=48&grp=11 Books that also helped me to overcome my feelings of fear and guilt also to heal child abuse including sexual abuse: [*]The Body Never Lies or The Truth Will Set You Free by Alice Miller [*]Memory and Abuse (Remembering and Healing The Effects of Trauma) by Charles L. Whitfield [*]Emotional Blackmail (When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You) by Susan Forward [*]The Obsidian Mirror (Healing From Childhood Sexual Abuse) by Louise M. Wisechild Much love and empathy Good luck Lens