Melesina

Stephen, Thank you for your input. It was indeed helpful. I look forward to seeing your video. Dave, I thought your question over, and I don't know that I have an answer. Cheryl, I don't recall her saying anything that implied it was my fault, no. Nor do I remember any curiosity or sympathy on her part in what I had expressed to her. Because of her reaction, I felt like I had hurt her by mentioning it. As a child, she would quite often have crying spells and I would console her through them. Thank you all for helping me to understand this and work through it. It's been on my mind a lot since I made this post and has caused several emotions to arise that I've been processing.

Welcome, Jessica!

Stephen, Thank you for responding. I'm really interested in hearing more about having a daughter in your IFS. I hope you do come back and share more about finding her. I've been hearing about IFS for over a year, but I've only now summoned up enough courage (for lack of a better way to define it) to research it further and find out about my own. I'm feeling nervous about it. Morse, It had been a long time since I thought about the loss. Rediscovering it, so to speak, brought back up the sadness. Your sympathies are appreciated. Pepin, I had no idea about so many possibilities in the IFS. It certainly opens up an entirely new realm for me to think about. I purchased two self-therapy (using the IFS system) books this week and will hopefully have time to start them this weekend. Unlike listening to the podcasts everywhere I go, I'm guessing the IFS material is something I'll probably want to cover while at home with time to meditate. Is that what others find as well?

Can there be a sibling in my IFS, when I'm an only child? There were times in my youth when I often wished I'd had a brother. As a spindly and shy girl growing up, I rarely felt confident in myself. I spent a lot of time thinking, and would ponder how much better my life would be, if only I had a brother to give me advice, to protect me, and to share in the authority of my parents. A number of years later, my mom and I were sitting alone at the dining room table having a conversation. I think I was in my 30's at the time. Though I'm not sure how the topic came up, nor do I recall having mentioned it to her before, I admitted to her that I had always wished I'd had a sibling. It felt like I was confiding a big secret. Then, I asked her why she and dad had decided not to have any more children. She grew sad and her answer was not one I had expected. She told me that she got pregnant again within weeks after I was born. She went on to tell me that she had lost the baby in a miscarriage and it had been due to an error made by the doctor who had delivered me. (Alert for any men who get queasy at the mention of the birth process, be forewarned.) She said the doctor had neglected to remove the afterbirth after I was born and that it had caused the miscarriage of the pregnancy that followed. She said she was never able to get pregnant again afterwards. She began crying and I recall telling her how sorry I was. I got up and hugged her until she regained her composure. After the conversation, I had an overwhelming feeling that I was at fault somehow for the miscarriage. I'm not sure why I felt responsible, but I did. It was obviously the incompetence of an ill-trained doctor, but was it something in the way she had told me or was it something in the way I processed her answer to my question that made me feel otherwise? Though I didn't mention it to my mom (and we've never discussed it since), I went through a period of grief after that conversation. Grief for the loss of my sibling. Grief that I had somehow caused it. It was a deep sense of bereavement. To console myself through the grief, in my mind, I created the brother I never had. I mourned him. I embraced him. I visualized him. I imagined what it would have been like to grow up together. Did I answer the very question I began with? Do I carry him with me still? Upon reflection, I'd say yes, there can be a sibling in my IFS. Though I'm an only child, I feel I have a sibling and he lives in me. I'm not sure what role he plays yet. Perhaps he's been there all along as the one who helps me find answers to life's unknowns and the place to hide when I feel threatened. It seems time to pay him a visit and to get to know him better. I welcome any input from others who have experience with the IFS and can advise me if this is indeed possible. And also any input as to why I would have felt responsible for the loss.

Wesley, you already listed my first pick...Imagine Dragon's 'Demons'. I also enjoy Sara Bareilles' song 'Brave'. I sing the song to myself and find it encouraging in regard to finding the courage to speak the truth. To me, it seems the general message of the song is to relate that although we have experienced hurtful words from others, we can choose to speak up and tell them how it makes us feel. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QUQsqBqxoR4&list=FLIpXV168__5ndcupdwYHqhg&index=2 For me, my favorite parts of the lyrics are: Nothing’s gonna hurt you the way that words do When they settle ‘neath your skin Kept on the inside and no sunlight Sometimes a shadow wins But I wonder what would happen if you Say what you wanna say And let the words fall out Honestly I wanna see you be brave Everybody’s been there, Everybody’s been stared down by the enemy Fallen for the fear And done some disappearing, Bowed down to the mighty Don’t run, stop holding your tongue Maybe there’s a way out of the cage where you live Maybe one of these days you can let the light in And since your history of silence Won’t do you any good, Did you think it would? Let your words be anything but empty Why don’t you tell them the truth?

Magnus, Thank you for sharing the link. Oh my gosh, it was both funny and painful to watch. I truly feel for you in that situation. I would have been plugging in your mic, getting you a glass of water, and giving you a hug (or at least a good ol' pat on the back for reassurance).

Wesley, Thank you for the info about how to post a podcast link. Magnus, I enjoy Albert Brooks’ humor. I tried to find a clip of it on youtube, but it doesn’t seem to be on there. Although this fear is isolating while experiencing it, hearing of others’ experiences who have gone through this struggle helps me to know that I’m not alone. Thank you for sharing your experiences and especially in such an open and honest way. And so eloquently too! I could literally visualize your first appearance as a lawyer. I found myself wishing there was something I could have been there to do to help in that moment; replug the mic, something, anything. It’s especially comforting and encouraging to hear about your success in overcoming this phobia! That, to me, is a pretty awesome accomplishment. Congratulations. LovePrevails, I know you’re right. I should be persistent in continuing to practice. And I definitely need to find people to rehearse in front of, because my cats seem bored and confused when I direct my speech rehearsals to them. RoseCodex, You presented a perspective I hadn’t ever considered. You’re right. People do tend to change their behavior depending on their external environment. Do you feel there’s the possibility we try not only to understand their motivation or perception of us, but that maybe we go beyond and try to live up to the expectations we perceive they have of us? And in trying to do so, we cause ourselves to get overwhelmed? I really like your perspective on seeing the nervousness as a source of strength as opposed to a weakness! I had truly never thought to approach it that way. It makes me want to give it a try. Now that’s an accomplishment in itself…getting me to ‘want’ to do any public speaking lol! Your positive approach of learning to embrace the moment is inspiring. Thank you very much for your thoughts and well wishes! You’ve certainly given me a lot to think about.

Cheryl & Wesley: Thank you for referencing the podcasts. I've heard that particular series; they were the few that showed up when I did a search for 'anxiety' on FDR, so I had listened to them right away. I will definitely give them another listen. There wasn't anything the first time in listening that seemed to apply; however, perhaps it didn't register with my psyche the first time around. I know there are other podcasts I've re-listened to before, but they seem like new material when I replay them and I wonder how I could have missed such key points the first time. Wesley, I had also come across that quote recently. I debated with myself about whether to use it in my post, but I wasn't quite sure where to find a place for it. It's a good one though and I think it will be stuck in my head too lol. On a side note, how did you add the players for each podcast directly in the forum? That's so awesome! I have to learn more about the techie features available on this site. Okay, now my newb side is showing lol. Pepin, I definitely feel the anxiety through and through at those times. It feels like a total takeover of both body and mind. Along with the physical traits I described, my mind also becomes disoriented and struggles to even remember what I've been preparing to say. It begins before ever stepping in front of a group to speak. It's like a 'fight or flight' response, except the overwhelming impulse is to escape, run, or hide; anything to make the impending focus go away. I had always considered anxiety in and of itself to be an emotion and the physical reaction to be a symptom of it's onset. Nathan, Thank you. I'm hoping to be able to make a donation soon that will provide access to the premium material. It will be the first podcast I look up. Thank you all. This is certain to be an ongoing learning process. I know I've walked away from opportunities in the past because of this fear. One day I hope that avoidance won't be the answer. ...I nearly deleted that last sentence, but it wiggled it's way right out through my fingers onto the keyboard. It wasn't until I re-read what I typed that it seemed a bit profound. Going to leave it for further reflection.

As far back as age 6 or 7, I can recall having a fear of public speaking or performing. During my childhood years, I would experience immense anxiety when performing in piano recitals and also when giving the typical school classroom verbal reports. I would even despair over any "let's go around the class and introduce ourselves" situations (still do). Throughout my adult life, public speaking is quite often required in my work and I find myself grappling with the same anxiety. The physical traits of the fear I experience are light-headedness, nausea, rapid heartbeat, and trembling. While fear is a basic survival mechanism, what exactly is it about public speaking or performing that makes my survival feel threatened? This is a question I've addressed numerous times over the years in an attempt to resolve what is termed as glossophobia. Attempts at understanding this fearful reaction has included a lot of research in how to overcome it. There's always the age-old advice of 'know your material and your audience', 'practice makes perfect', 'relaxation techniques', and even being 'familiar with the presentation environment'. I've taken action to try all of these tips and, although they do help to mask the anxiety, none have truly explained the issue of why the fear presents itself in the first place or even come close to taking it away. They only serve to act as a bandage to cover what I'm coming to understand may be a much deeper seated issue. I read an article online recently that stated "In almost every case...the fear has nothing to do with the speaker’s ability to talk clearly and fluidly or even to feel comfortable in front of a group. It’s usually connected to some other fear or past wound, like a parent’s disapproval, worry that colleagues will think you aren’t polished enough, or concern that you don’t have encyclopedic knowledge about your topic". Now this perspective might be onto something. Can the fear of public speaking be due to past wounds or parental disapproval? If so, these past wounds would have apparently occurred for me when I was quite young, since I recall feeling this anxiety already at the age of 6 or 7. What I do remember of the years of piano lessons doesn't seem severe enough that it would have caused a phobia; unpleasant yes, but not life threatening. I personally don't have much of a memory of my childhood prior to the age of 5, other than a couple of memories that seem more like tidbits leftover from a dream. What if one doesn't remember what those early wounds might have been? How does one address them? I haven't come across any podcasts yet that talk about this issue in particular, but at this early stage there are still a lot of podcasts I haven't heard yet. If anyone knows of any, let me know and I'll give them a top priority in my listening queue. I'd really like to prevail once and for all over this persistent phobia. Perhaps my fogging is so thick that I can't see where to begin. Any advise on what steps to take to begin this process is welcomed.

You're not alone in this regard, as I've also had the same experience since delving in to philosophy. Along with a loss of interest in movies, I've also lost any interest in television. It would seem logical that studying philosophy is intrinsic to spending more time examining one's feelings, emotions, and furthering self-knowledge. While that would explain the actual use of time spent pursuing another endeavor like philosophy, as opposed to time spent on watching movies or television, it doesn't address the loss of interest in them. For myself, I had concluded that the loss of interest could be attributed to not wanting the outside influence of fiction to interfere with my emotional condition as I explored my personal thoughts and feelings. I'm not sure if that's an accurate interpretation on my part; however, it would be interesting to find out if this interpretation is anywhere near the mark. I welcome any insight to my line of reasoning.

Thank you, xelent! Though the past few years have been a roller coaster ride of emotional realizations for me, I'm truly enjoying the path of finding truth, reason, and self-knowledge.

Cheryl, thank you for your kind words.

Wesley, Thank you for the welcome. My use of the word 'absolute' was probably too strong, as it denotes being conclusive. I realize I can't ever know everything. In Stef's introduction to FDR in the Guidelines, he states "If you do not have any experience or training in logic or science, then it is very important to browse for a while before plunging into a debate. Think of Freedomain Radio as a class for advanced students of physics — if you do not understand the scientific method and some contemporary theories before joining a debate, you will almost certainly derail it, and it will not be much fun for you or others." I thought about the introduction further and also your reply, and I've learned something new! Correct me if I'm wrong in my logic, but I think what I've realized that both you and Stef are saying is that it's not so much about being well versed in a particular topic, but rather to understand the methodology used to discuss it. I'm very curious, love to learn, and doing research is a favorite pastime. Listening to Stef's material, and reading the forums, is enlightening and beneficial as I progress on this journey. I look forward to learning more about myself and finding my path to more active participation in the FDR community. Thank you, Wesley, for sharing your knowledge.

The study of rational and empirical philosophy has been the beginning of a new stage in my life. I was first introduced to FDR last year, at which time I considered myself to be a libertarian with an agnostic viewpoint of religion, though I was already leaning toward atheism. Over the past several months, I attempted reading a couple of Stefan Molyneux’s books; however it wasn’t until I tried the audiobook versions that I was successful in covering the material in ‘On Truth’, ‘RTR’, and ‘UPB’. After completing those, I wholeheartedly dove into the podcasts and though I have a lot of catching up to do to get caught up to the latest podcasts, it’s a daily endeavor. I find myself wishing that I’d heard of FDR and Stefan Molyneux back in the early years of his podcasts, so that I could have progressed along with others who have been delving into self-knowledge for far longer than I have; it is such a progressive process. I have to admit that I find posting to any FDR forums to be daunting because I feel like I need to know absolutely what I’m talking about before I participate. Having attended lectures at Fermilab, it’s the same feeling I get when I walk into the auditorium to find a seat, knowing how little I know about the topic to be presented, while surrounded by scientific minds that have been schooled in and experimented with such topics for their entire careers. My enthusiasm for continuing this path is, fortunately, not daunted. I look forward to being a part of this community.

I'm located close enough to Chicago to make a day trip, but far enough outside the metro area and suburbs to be considered country living. Is there anyone in the Illinois counties of Dekalb, LaSalle, or Kendall that would be interested in getting together? I'm not anticipating it will be a large group of people in such a targeted area; however, the more the merrier. It would be great to find like-minded people in the area. I look forward to hearing from you!