powersquash

I was going to reply but I couldn't form my thoughts into words. Thank you for putting it so eloquently mike. I do see vaguely how that could be describing a black hole, however, you can turn just about any religious text into whatever fits your needs at the moment. They are designed to do just that. Not to mention most (all?) Of the exerts do not relate to your theory.

She wasn't much of a disciplinary figure in my childhood. Her MO was more to feed me to the wolves so I find it difficult to imagine what her responses would be. When I first read this I felt as though that wouldn't work. I tend to view situations based on the facts, not so much how people feel during the situation. I've been working on my empathy for myself and others. I don't have much at all, in fact, before self-helping I thought I was a sociopath due to my lack of emotions. After keeping that in mind and speaking with my wife about your suggestion I realized that is probably the best idea. I didn't word that quite as well as I should have. I meant I don't think I need anymore time to mull it over before I have THE conversation with her. I've done a bit of self-reflection and don't feel I need anymore before I begin this leg of the journey. Not to say I won't need more overall. I have, though, been thinking of this process as a one-and-done situation and after reading your post I understand it is probably best to have it over time and not all at once.

I appreciate all of the feedback. It's seriously been such a help getting some outside perspective. Yesterday with some help from my wife I sent my mom this text. " I did not refuse to tell you. You have not yet asked. You simply told me how wrong I was and attacked my "manhood" for my thoughts without so much as knowing or understanding them. I did not simply "decide" I have childhood issues. I have decided, however, to look further into it to better my person. " I think it included everything I needed to say to her. I was attempting to remain as neutral in aggression as possible as to not stir up another angry fueled text from her. I'm not positive I need or want anymore time to inwardly look on my younger self. Have any of you had these conversations yet? How do you know you're ready for them? And how did you prepare?

That was beautifully put loveprevails. In my own experience, my wife and I have never been physically abusive to our son. We did, however, not treat him with the respect and reason described above (I.e. negotiating with him. Getting to the root of his emotions and whatnot ). We used to just manage him, not interact with him. I used to dread going to the grocery store because he acted so "unruly" and would scream and cry when he didn't get whatever it was he wanted. We began actually parenting him and getting to the core emotion or reason behind his frustrations when he was about 1.5 years old. He just turned two this week and the difference in his overall happiness is enormous. He rarely gets upset because he has somewhat of a grasp of reasoning IMO. He understands that he can only have a few pieces of his Halloween candy at a time because we negotiate beforehand how many he can have and the reasoning behind it. He understands that when we say we are going to spend 1 hour at the park and then go to the grocery store that his time is limited and doesn't put up a fuss AT ALL when it is time to leave. The smile on his face this morning when I not only let him choose between milk or juice but also which cup he would like to drink out of makes the aforementioned time spent teaching him choices so worth it. To sum up, this will cost a lot of time and patience. You and your wife taught your children this behaviour. Don't be mad at them for it. Its not easy but listen to me brother, so fucking worth it. If I knew how much of a difference it made before he was born, he would not even know you could just dissociate from his emotions like I first taught him. I wish the best to you on this journey you are about to take on. Be strong with yourself and you shall soon be reaping the benefits.

I believe it was the show "metalocalypse" that portrayed the effects of this quite well. It was a "church" that was mirrored by a real church. Where one said "in gods name, amen." The atheist one said "in absence of gods name, amen." Or something to that effect. It was quite a funny episode. It showed how, if treated like another religion, even the absence of religion can be a religion, as mind-trippy as that sounds. Not to mention Christmas began as non-religious

I'm a procrastinator. I have this huge issue doing just about anything "on time". I finish work paperwork last minute (usually well past the last minute mark), I put off going to the grocery store until I've been eating left-overs for a few days, I don't pay bills until THE last day and often a day late which incurs late fees. Its not as though I don't have the money for the bills, I just keep putting it off because I don't want to send the check or call the automated number to do so. I've often wondered why I do this, there is no added bonus to being late with everything. Often, whenever I get caught turning things in late or not having completed tasks that needed to be done at an earlier date, I have extreme anxiety about what others will think, say, or do because of it. There have been periods that I've stayed on top of everything but with no discern able reason as to why and not for very long periods of time either. I'm pretty sure this does not at all help you and, in fact, is just the behavior you're questioning can be fixed. I hope you can find some use out of this, even if just insider info ^^

I'm surprised we haven't heard Stefan say it a few times over yet XD

I am continuing to have a server error on the "pissing away your potential" post under self help every time I go to read it. I've restarted my phone and what have you so I don't believe its justfrom my side. Thanks.

I sent this to her " I feel hurt and disrespected by how you completely ignored what was obviously bothering me and instead of being curious as to what I was referencing, you attacked me and asserted how you helped me in my adulthood. Saying you tried to make me feel better whenever Greg and kelli hurt my feelings minimizes the abuses I faced and makes it seem as though I'm overly sensitive. I said specifically the issues I had were with my childhood, by ignoring that you ignored me. " And she replied with this " I have no idea what's bothering you. You refused To tell me so I'm at a complete loss, all I know is you suddenly quit talking to everyone then you decide you have childhood issues that you are angry about, I don't have a clue what you are talking about, you never asked any questions, you never eluded that there was a problem." I think I may just respond to this with your suggestion about me just needing to work through it all without her. Just reading the part where she says "then you decide you have childhood issues." As if I decided to have those issues. Bitch please. Also, as a warning, I just copy pasted the text conversation. There are surely a few misspelling errors I looked over on my proofreading of her part. And to answer your question about how my wife feels about this.- She was the one who helped me to realize who my mom really is. I've always had open problems with my dad and never have I felt they raised me correctly, however, with my mom that was completely different. Whenever my wife would point out inconsistencies with stories of my mom's or how I felt about it, Iwould become enraged and defensive of her. It eventually got to the point where I thought she was attacking my mom for no reason. After she introduced me to Stefan's podcasts, I began to see the reason more clearly. Even still I can feel myself becoming defensive of my mom's parenting "style" or her actions though I logically know they are not correct. I both would not nor could not get through this without my wife.

Absolutely agree with the other two posters. As a manager, whenever potential employees have a gap in work history and no reasons behind it, I assume they did illegal or illicit activities. Though I don't believe in government (or I wouldn't be here ^^) I still don't want the typical drug dealer as my next employee.

Thank you for your reply. My question, though not worded too closely to a question, was if a meaningful conversation regarding what happened could be had through texting or if I should just call her, which would most likely end up to the point of being enraged and have an unproductive conversation. As to answer your question of what my expectations from the conversation, I want to see what she has to say for herself. I feel as though if I were to never speak to her again, my internalization of her would always make excuses for everything she did or didn't do, which in turn would make me possibly regret the decision to not have my past abusers in my life.

Hello all, I have been looking into my past with the help of Stefan's podcasts and my wife's input. Whenever my wife and I first breached this subject I insisted I had a wonderful childhood and had no inclination that any of the personal issues I have were caused by my upbringing. I thought that hitting children was ok as long as it wasn't to the point of "beating" and backed up this idea with the good ole' but I turned out fine. I felt as though I owed my parents for raising me by visiting them on holidays even if it was uncomfortable. My wife would often opt out of visiting my dad and step-mom because of issues that they had with her. I often sided with my parents on these issues because I thought they knew best and usually ended up despising my wife in one form or another because of it.Needless to say, this soon changed. After some difficult conversations with my wife and a few podcasts I began seeing my childhood in a different light. I couldn't believe some of the things I was subjected to and the fact that I used to not only normalize them but think they were "right". After being enlightened to the abuses I suffered as a child, I have been gathering up the courage to talk with my parents about it all. To give some background information- My parents were seperated whenever I was 2. I lived with my mother, Sid, until I was in 2-3 grade. I then lived with my dad, Greg, and stepmother, kelli, until I was in 7th grade in which I moved back with my mom for a few months, and then back to my dad's. Then, once more to my mom's house during my last semester in high school. I know that's a little hard to get straight, and I apologize, but to make it easier to keep straight I will refer to my mom as Sid and my dad and step mom as my parents. All throughout my life Sid and my parents hated each other. Their contempt for each other was never hidden from me, in fact, it was usually smeared in my face as propaganda to fuel a hatred fire within me. I don't remember too much from living with my mom the first time other than being with my grandparents an extraordinary amount of time. My grandfather was an abusive man. Once I was staying the night with them and was called down to the living room to get spanked with a belt and told it was so I would know what would be coming if I did anything wrong. My grandmother had me trained to the point that if she so much as looked at the fly swatter I would stop whatever it was I was doing. I don't believe Sid was a huge part of my life at this point. She was living her life or whatever it is young mothers say to excuse themselves from parenting. Whenever I moved in with my dad I was introduced to a whole new level of abuse. My stepmother, kelli, was quite the mind-fucker in the way of beating logic out of children so that they would "do as she says". Anytime I or my two younger sisters spoke out against her or questioned her we were answered with hitting. God was of very high importance in the family. A lot of the abuse was in humiliation. If we did something "dumb" we were ridiculed in front of the rest of the family, friends, whoever was around. Once I had spoken out against my dad and I was stripped naked and thrown into a mud puddle at the beginning of our driveway and made to walk back to the house. The use of instruments in beating was frequent. Once my smallest sister was about 4-5 and was being hit with a wooden spoon by Kelli. It got to a point where as a 10 or so year old I thought it was excessive so I tried to pry the spoon from her. That only ended in me getting hit instead. Whenever I moved back in with Sid, she was on her third marriage. She was with mark, a "man" who had lost the ability to see his son because he abused him as well as cocaine. She soon had a baby with him. I remember coming home from school and being with mark and my sister alone in the house and I could here him screaming and yelling at her to shut up when she wouldn't stop crying at the ripe ole' age of 1 month. I told Sid of this and she told me I was very brave to say something. Nothing came of it. I moved back with my parents after that. The abuse continued into my teenage years. The tactics naturally had to change a little. The emphasis was much more on the psychological mind fucks and put downs. I had once dated a black girl and was grounded whenever they found out. I was also forbade from continuing the relationship. I was told it was for my own good so I didn't get persecuted against. Fast forward to me wanting to move into sids house again. The conversation with my parents explaining the reasons I wanted to went terribly. My dad ended up choking me out saying I had "bowed up" on kelli. He then told me to get my shit off of his property and said if sid stepped foot on his property he would shoot her dead. Blah blah blah. I moved into a lady-friends house and into a very bad and abusive relationship. Things did not end well to say the least. I then moved in with my wife. Sid had given us a good bit of furniture from my grandma to help furnish our house and had even given me an old truck of hers for transportation. We've had a faux great relationship in my adulthood. Only now am I seeing her for who she really is. I've not been accepting her calls as I am currently processing everything that's been done to me. So, now to my current predicament, she texted me asking why I haven't been speaking to her. I replied that I was angry about my childhood and past and was processing it all. Also that I did not want to speak with her about it yet. She then sent that she had no clue what I was talking about. Two days later she sent another message saying how she was pissed off, then listed the things she's helped me out with in my adult life and finished it off with if I'm ostricizing her and her family with no reason, then I'm no kind of man. The last sentence was "put that in your craw and chew it." Needless to say, I became quite frustrated. I don't think I can speak to her without yelling and using choice language. My question is can I have a meaningful and self-helping conversation with her over text messaging or should I just call her and out myself into a situation in which I can become enraged. Also, I know my grammar became quite mundane through the long bits. I apologize, when such a long post is in the works I find it hard to pull out my mental thesaurus. Thank you in advance for your help. This is the full text Sid sent me today. " Ok, so I went from being hurt and confused to downright pissed off. I have not done a single thing but try to help you, neither has neens. I supported whatever you wanted to do, right or wrong, you needed stuff when you moved I scrounged it up for you so you could have something and not do without, you needed money I gave it to you, you needed help with (our son) when (my wife) had surgery so I got on the phone and got you some help, when Kelli and Greg hurt your feelings I tried to make you feel better without bad mouthing them, you needed something to drive I gave you the tracker and the truck. I don't butt in, I don't try to tell you what to do or run your life and i have never judged you or put you down. I love (our son), you, and (my wife), I did everything I could to make her feel welcome and part of my family. If you are going to ostracize me and my family without even telling us why or picking up the phone to try and resolve whatever you think the problem is, then you are no kind of man at all. So put that in your craw and chew on it." I also realize this is an extraordinarily long post and I completely understand if nobody has the time or the want to read it all and reply.

I am by no means an expert. My view on pretentiousness is it is the outreaching of somebody who is grabbing all the attention they can get so that people will pay them attention. Nobody likes a know-it-all but they at least remember them.

Unfortunately it seems we (as a society) have normalized and almost idolized such actions of violence to the point that it is cheered on as a random man gets shot on the side of the road. There is no amount of reason or facts you can throw at these onlookers to the video that will make them take you seriously. A week or two ago someone posted on here about a wikihow instructing readers how to "properly" spank a child. I simply posted under the tips section on how spanking is NEVER an acceptable form of punishment; my post was almost instantaneously deleted. It just goes to show where a large majority of the world's minds are currently.

Well it's quite a long story (as life stories generally are). I may post the full story sometime soon for some help on what to do. Thanks for welcoming me ^^

Hello everyone. I've been a listener for a month or two and a forum lurker for the past few days. I started listening to Stef's podcasts after my wife introduced me to them. I was a complete skeptic of ancap at first, but, listening to the logic and solid reasoning of Stef I lost the ridiculous notion of statist bologna. Currently, I am in the process of reflecting upon the truth of my childhood and plan to open up my findings and questions to my parents soon. I hope to have some great discussions with all of you soon.