Mister Hugz

OH MY! one thousand deep bows for you! When i read the first part of your reply i had a deep well of emotion emerge. It was just the thing i was missing from my mom. intimacy and vulnerability. Its just awesome to hear that you did it!!! Thank you, it really helps hearing that. I am actually looking forward to really dissolve the wall to my just anger. I'm going to need that passion to propel me to my goals in therapy the deep tissue massage can come later. But for now a nice healthy massage sounds amazing. I'm starting to get really excited for my first massage!!

Thanks for explaining that. Also, about the fight or flight response, If my supposed friends decide to allow their prejudices take them over I am more than willing get them out of my life. So If I tell you to grab a gun, go over to your next door neighbors house, point a gun in the fathers and his family members face. then if you shoot and kill the father when he grabs his own gun to protect himself and his family. I can call this justified killing in self defense? Here are some facts about the Iraq war for you, if your interested. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X78CYn_F6b8#t=882 @nickhk It was the air force pre-sep brief. I hope you are recovering well @wuzzums Yeah man, after mulling it over for the past day it seems like my instincts did just fine!

Good point carl, it does seem a bit inappropriate to just wildly assert a conclusion like that without spending the time to reason through to it. thanks for the feedback guys.

hello hello! So this week marks the first week that I begin my journey out of the military and into anything that has the least to do with the government or military as possible. When you begin this journey as a military member you are bombarded with a mile high stack of papers to fill out and endless briefings from government agencies to recruit you into their blood soaked ranks. During one of the national guard/reserve briefings the briefer said to us "I was deployed to afganistan and iraq to kill people. And now i do this. It is disorienting to go from killing people to recruiting people into the reserves". I could feel my eyes widen and my heart started to race. Then the dude stared at me for like 10 seconds straight whilst continuing on with his designated rant about protecting our country and the such. I began to study his mannerisms and checked to see if there was any shred of a true self left inside his empty gaze. nope. I couldn't see anything. Emotionless. Steady hands. direct and sturdy voice. Stupid jokes about sports teams. At the end of his briefing he went around the room and asked if there were any good reasons to not join the reserves and take the (blood funded) benefits. And oh my god, this was my moment to speak the truth. I had about 10 seconds to respond and I froze. confusion. tense muscles. racing heart. I felt like a cornered rat and all i could do in the moment was blurt out "EVERYTHING". Then his boss which was evaluating him on his performance stood up and said "what do you mean by that?" and i said " well, what i mean by that is that it wasn't my choice from the start. Like it wasn't something that was in my heart. It was more like inflicted on me through government schools and my parents". They both stared in silence at me for a solid 4 seconds then moved to the next person. I wanted so badly to say well one good reason is that those benifits you listed are funded by theft, which is immoral, but just didnt have the balls to do it. Mabe it was the right thing because my subconscious knew what kind of person i was speaking to. What do you you guys think about my reaction/ how i handled the situation?

Hello Armin, I enjoyed reading your post. I am glad you pulled out of the death grip of religion and took an interest into philosophy. beautiful! Welcome to the boards! tschüß

Ayo Brandon! I struggle with the same sort of problem. I think i have pinpointed it down to my difficulties learning grammar in public education. So what should be automatic, now It has become a conscious chore to be constantly self critical of sentence structure, spelling and how what I am saying doesn't come across wrong. I found this book called The Artists Way by Julia Cameron, where she advocates writing 2 pages every morning of anything that comes to mind to kindle creativity. It could be one run on sentence, fragmented sentences, random ideas, feelings and dreams as long as you stick to it as a daily exercise. The book is more of a 12 week course than a reading book. It is mostly centered around helping you get in touch of your creative abilities and has a lot of other challenging exercises in it as well. I hope this helps. Tripple welcome to the forums!

Wow I'm sorry you had a hurtful mum. I appreciate your reflecive reply. Your children are lucky to have a mother like you. If you don't mind me asking, did you explain yourself and apologize to them after that realization? I remember sensing these moments of regret and dissociation flash across my moms face after she would act out her trauma. I am going to have to prepare myself for both those responses when i get into therapy with her. I already know what is going to happen. Because she had done this to 4 children ( almost all of us are adult age now), The ratio of probability that she will be able to handle that level of honesty and criticism is extremely low. I'm sure it will detonate her. I need to watch her detonate to finally move on. Wow touch therapy via massage! That sounds like my kind of therapy I have never indulged a professional massage before, let alone one centered around emotional healing. Sounds great, I'll look into it. thank you

Thank you so much Mr. Durden

So i was listening to one of the earlier podcasts, around 500-1000 and Steph mentioned a book about fear of women. It had something to do with your early experience of your mother. I remember him mentioning that he doesn't remember the name of the author. I lost the sticky note that had the name of the book on it and can't remember it. I'll keep searching and let you guys know if i find it. thanks

My name is Anthony I'm 26 years old and have been listening to fdr for about a year now. I enjoy fitness activities, snowboarding, camping, good conversations, road biking, reading and playing drums. I am going to be going into school to study psychology soon and i also have a fascination in the science of nutrition. I have been an aircraft mechanic in the u.s. air force for 8 years and am about to get out and start my life fresh. As for my early development... I had terrifying, emotionally disconnected, verbally and physically abusive parents. Here are a few instances: my dad had an extremely physically abusive mother which caused him to act out the unprocessed trauma. When I was a toddler, He would flick me on the top of my head at random and make me cry. To this day my nervous system has adapted to sudden or startling stimuli in a hyper flinching manner. My mother would scream in my face when i was young as well. She claims that she doesn't remember that ever happening. She also told me that she had postpartum depression which lasted for the first 6 months of my life. After reading and listening to peoples stories about narcissistic parents, the resemblance to the behavior of my mother is almost a perfect match. I plan on going straight into therapy asap. I want to undo soul melting trauma that was inflicted on me so i can be free.