The Red Prince

Hello, before I begin I would like to say my previous thread "I think I hate my little sister," has been resolved, or is resolving itself. I was recording a new song down in my room and she came for a brief visit, usually she just ignores me or I have to initiate the conversation and carry, but she actually spoke to me in a lighthearted mood, told me a bit about goals. This is a great sign, we spoke in our own "sibling" code if that makes any sense, much more was communicated than what was said. Now to the topic at hand. I have alluded in the past that I am homosexual, and thee have been conflicts with this reality in my family before. When I was 18, I came out to my mom outright, and the reaction was odd and hellish in my opinion. I have begun to think that this has led to more confusion about my sexuality then I have previously thought. After that incident, I have noticed a pattern up until now. At around 2 month increments, I would feel an increasing mental depression while "out" to myself, and would literally swing back to being "straight". This switch is always accompanied by a zealous return to religiosity, whereby I would throw myself into the esoteric study of Christ or Krishna, burn myself out to to my inability to stop masturbating or kick cigarettes, question the foundation of the religion and end up destroying it. During this religious phase, I would either get back with my ex-girlfriend or feign interest in another, yet my attraction to males pops back up with a vengeance like clockwork-- it literally never fails. I would also like to add for data, that these religious phases always begin if I am within proximity to my Father in some way or another. Recently I have been doing some harrowing psychological work (audio-journaling, forcing myself to create music, and observing every circumstantial emotion I have for around 2 months) since I find myself back in my Grandmother's house, with my Father, the very place I sought to actively avoid. Because of the internal work I am doing, I have managed to reverse my cycle to some degree, and have come to terms with the unique sexuality (it really is quite subtle and beautiful), and have even began talking to someone I have a true attraction on a REAL emotional level. Since my personal sexual acceptance, I have witnessed that I have grown in that regard exponentially, as I just take note of what I like and don't like, what I have to offer in a relationship, and therefore who to look for. I have a date tomorrow, and regardless of whether it will work out or not, I have realized that I am no longer looking for a fling or bed buddy, but an long term relationship that bears tangible fruit, I have had enough sex, that is no longer a priority, it has it's place. Because of my goal, this WILL come into direct opposition with my Father and Grandmother, because they are EXCEEDINGLY religious. To clarify, my Father is more lenient, but he goes where his mother goes, and she's literally fundamentalist. I have tested the water many times, asking her opinion on a gay celebrity and such, and the lake of fire is always mentioned or alluded-- its a lost cause in that regard. Despite this I have a new found loyalty to myself, and when I become romantically involved with a man, I will not budge, nor pretend to change to appease my parents, which I have been guilty of in the past. It was tremendously stressful for all parties to come out to my parents the first time, and it went so badly I literally ran back into the closet. Based on my above mentioned history, should I come out-- again? Or try to play it as smooth as possible and make a quiet escape? My gut is telling me don't even bother because over the years I have had no follow-up conversation, no mention, no nothing, why should I bear my heart again to people who so vehemently reject homosexuality at a tragically fundamental level?

Very helpful advice all. It definitely helps in clarification of a truly confusing situation. The very next day of the incident I wrote her a lengthy letter specifically apologizing for flicking her off (we were not on speaking terms but I wanted to reach out somehow, to tell her how I really felt about her) I don't feel good about it nor do I believe it was justified. I should have included this in my original post, I admit I was in an unexpected emotional state, so the content is obviously slanted. I apologize. Was the letter effective? I can not know-- she never got back to me, and I was out that same day. She is five years younger than me, and throughout our childhood I NEVER saw any reason to bully, tease, or hurt her intentionally. Our parents divorced and Dad moved my mother and sister out, I had to stay because I was 18 at the time, and was expected to make it on my own by then soon after. I know that had to be extremely painful and confusing for my sister, and the events of that night can clearly be seen as not necessarily an attack against my personage, but an explosion of anger against the entire situation. By "grounding my mother down" I do not imply simply reducing her to tears in revenge, or something malicious. I simply refused to back down from my position, which was that she would not acknowledge my feelings, and this was the reason why I was so angry. That same day I was in a very deep depression and fell into self-harm (again), I was struggling with this, and hadn't slept for days. I was jobless, I had returned from jail for smoking weed (which I had since quit in effort of overcoming my dependance on the substance, which probably led to my depression in the first place, some kind of emotional withdrawal), and had cut out my old friends to whom I was very attached, but knew were not good influences. I could not express this to my mother because she was gone with her boyfriend all day and night, and slept until the afternoon. For years I had tried to be honest with my family to no avail, and because of the lack of conversation, I became paranoid, thinking that they were judging me that I had been to jail, and that I smoked pot... and probably gay (a whole other story). All of this was swirling in my head when Mother came in that night obviously influenced from her boyfriend trying to forcefully tell me to get a job. I could hold my emotional dam no longer, and I told her how I felt. I was VERY angry at the time, but if I was wrong I was wrong. I apologized to all parties before I had to move out, but the truth of the matter is, even if I were to try to re initiate contact with my sister in particular, which I have, numerous times even after the climax, would she really know me? I can say with complete certainty that my FOO has never really known me as a person. I mean, if she doesn't want to talk to me, maybe I just got defooed? I'm trying my best to not to be defensive, so I'll end it here. Tell me what you think.

But I don't think I want to. I remember from one of the earlier podcasts that Stefan or somebody said you know you hate someone when you do not want to engage with the person at all. My ambivalence towards my sister started when I was kicked out of my mom's place earlier this year. Me and mom got into an argument and I was extremely angry, I ground my mother down in accepting how wrong she was and she was melting into tears-- which was making me angrier, but I never attacked her physically. My sister, (who was ignoring me for the past 6 months, even though only a thin wall separated us, for NO reason despite my numerous attempts to talk or hang out), bursts out and defends mom, treating like I was crazy, which broke my heart. In anger I flick her off as I retreat, and she attacks me. Physically. My little sister whom I've always loved attacked me with the intent to harm, and I end up kicked out the very next day. Nowadays I see her from time to time when Dad has her on the weekends, but I have no desire to really communicate with her anymore. I can tell in my father's tone when he mentions her doings that he's expecting me to actually talk to her, and I should be ashamed for not, but I truly cannot bring myself to do it. I have yet to hear an actual apology and I've been apologizing to women about how they treat me all my life-- no more. What I'm curious is do I truly hate my little sister because I really CANNOT bring myself to even try to engage with her?

I have no issue sharing, I would really like to get to the bottom of this. My journey into self-knowledge is really getting heated, I'm getting used to the pace, and I know my dearly departed has an integral role in what I feel about my childhood. Keith. Me and my family moved into a new neighborhood, our first house which was advantageously located walking distance from my school-- I believe I was in 4th grade at the time. Dad had gotten me a scooter, and on one of my first forays into the glowing magical expanse that is Summer Break, I met Keith for the first time riding a scooter as well. He was very forthright and asked me a lot of questions, mostly about if I played Pokemon (which I did) and if I could trick on my scooter like he could. The orange daylight was turning purple when I said I needed to go home, he shook my hand and sped off-- it turned out that he lived right down the street. We started by playing Pokemon fiercely for a while on my porch, never talked about school, raced our bikes/scooters and spent time exploring the woods, and I can say it was truly a magical time for me and him. We were both escaping from our home life. Keith was looking for any kind of companionship, I was looking for true friendship, and we naturally reciprocated. Soon my folks allowed me over his house for exactly 3 hours a day, and I spent every hour every day I could. We played video games and were extremely competitive, he always bested me no matter how much I practiced, he truly was a strategic genius now that I look back. By 5th grade we were playing Halo 2 at a professionally competitive level, and he himself scored a few kills against some of the best in the State (grown men mind you). Towards the end of 5th grade and the beginning or middle school, I started to develop sexually, and I was freaked. This is the time where I started to feel strong attraction to males, I just didn't have a name for it. I started to REALLY care for him and fantasize sexually, though I never told him I actually loved him, which I do and always will.. my secret "first love"... He protected me and I him, I confided in him my hopes, goals, wishes, and so did he, so when my grandmother assumed upon hearing of his death that he was into something he "shouldn't have" when he was shot I nearly moved out right then and there. NO adult was in his life as a child, only having a passive aggressive grandmother as a caretaker, the world literally abandoned him, and I saw personally his existential struggle, though I could not understand it fully at the time. It was from him that learned to never judge, because he NEVER judged me, and always welcomed me even when had a disagreement. We did have one serious argument, where the budding sadist in him appeared and the masochist in me was summoned. I cant remember what it was over, but it ended up in me in complete surrender, kissing his shoes as he ordered me to. I was doing so to try to prove a point, and ended up breaking my own heart. Almost immediately he started crying and hugged me and apologized profusely, as I did. I know he did not want to lose his only friend, but I never saw the sadist in him ever again. My father lost the house and announced we'd be moving in with Grandmother, the summer before he said he had to move, and the pain I felt is literally indescribable. I started to distance myself from him to no real avail... but one night we moved suddenly at night time out of nowhere, and I didn't even get to say goodbye. He woke up one day to find my house empty, and me gone, the heartbreak he must of felt... I'm sobbing as I write this... He taught me empathy, and what real friendship is. My memories are countless with him, more good than bad (way more). And our contact ended tragically.

I've listened to Alan Watts for a number of years, and kind of served as a "proto-molyneux" to me, his stance on modern society is nearly identical to Stefan's approach, but the the obvious difference lies in his sympathy with religion. Looking further, his real philosophy lies in Advaita or non-dualism. Although a systematic mental negation of reality-- it is patently non-violent, atheistic, and therefore within UPB, it's fine. This philosophy is not imposed violently on any individual, and it bears some research, traditional monotheistic religions have a lot of problems with this. I wouldn't view Alan Watts as a philosopher in a pure sense, but an artist. Playing with thought concepts, and advocating a very creative non-violent way of life.

I haven't been in contact with him for years, but upon hearing about his death (by shooting) in passing, it left me extremely effected. He was my best friend my childhood, and also the first male I felt a sincere attraction towards. The question is, I feel EXTREMELY terrible yet I haven't seen or even talked to him since middle school, we both had to move away is the reason why. Any thoughts on why my emotions just went off in such a stark way? I feel scared, angry, and really down.

Well. Yes. I actually came upon the conclusion that I have been in fact duped last night, and course this isn't the first time-- but it is definitely the last time. Thinking objectively, from where I was living (away from my mother, father, and sister) I was in a perfect defoo position. Granted, I was living with my maternal grandmother, but I found an odd shelter in her reclusive personality, and she openly condemned my immediate family for kicking me out (yet again), the same day I briefly returned to self-harming myself. Long-story short, I gained weight, I was eating well, and saving my money very well from my summer job which payed quite well. I was meditating every night, creating music again... and then Father starts to reel me in again. I realize now that his actions have nothing to do with my actual well-being, because I Was doing quite well where I was, and he apparently had already made a secret deal with my maternal grandmother (who thought I was in on too) that I was set to leave in September, and of course I didn't find out about this until the end of August. So here I am, taking care of my other sick grandmother, with little to no financial support, in the house where I ran away from, and was thrown out of numerous times. For food alone I pretty much blew through my savings because there was no food in the house while she was hospitalized, and my Father refuses to hire me, since he was recently promoted and doesn't want there to be a "conflict of interest". Disgusting now that I think of it ,because this was where I had my Summer gig, and had worked my ass off to stand out for the specific purpose to be permanently hired. I play the violin. I'm making an album right now. My violin string broke. I'm virtually broke right now, so I ask if he could pay for another, guess what his response was? Not even a no, but NOTHING. Four times I have seriously spoke to him about my financial situation, and receive no advice or help, I have my poor grandmother grabbing her purse to give me bus fair, while she's getting getting financially destroyed by her medical expenses. The icing on the cake is that Father has just purchased another ticket to Africa... obviously expecting me and others to keep an eye his mother, but I REFUSE to sit broke, dependent, nearly starved, mentally unbalanced, misunderstood (did I mention I'm also a gay anarchist, atheist in a Christian household?), while everyone else literally eats off my youth! Mind you, at this point, I have already mentally defooed, it's just a matter a time before I save up enough money to make a clean escape. Truly, this is going to be fun a sick way... Father has told me he views everything as a chess game, literally, explaining his cold, calculated manipulation of people, but I'm better if I have to. I don't seek revenge against my abusers, once you've made it into that category I've lost interest in you as person-- it's finally time to make my final break, and even imagining this in my mind gives me a a great sense of relief, to finally be done with manipulation, to pain, to be open love, WHATEVER I WANT. What a novel idea, freedom. So anyway, on paper I suffer a net loss in every facet of my life being here, to the benefit of everyone else. This is unacceptable.

The merit pay system proposed is based directly on the TEACHER'S performance, not the students. All in all, the students stand gain from this. change.

I guess I can move my original conversation to this thread, I think it's worth a serious discussion. From an objective viewpoint the public school system in question is funded by theft through taxation; and by nature, this is immoral. The question is, who or what is doing the immoral act? Is it the citizen, or is it the state ( individuals having an invested interest to keep the usual system of coercion intact)? If you cease an immoral action for practical purposes as the superintendent/governor have done in this case; if they have yet to understand that the system itself is immoral (funding through taxation) have they not progressed literally away from a worse situation anyhow? I think your theory applies to the state as a whole, but not in this case. I can clearly see your contention to be true in the case of the propaganda we see ad nauseum; and this even applies to tactics an abuser employs on their victims, but we're speaking about a movement of victims not perpetrators. Truth and ethics by nature are practical, so even if one doesn't possess the terms, if you move in the direction of autonomy, freedom, practicality, for all, you are moving morally. Also, if one even knew the the system as a whole was theft through taxation, how would one go about it? Fighting it head on is irrational, you would have to be very strategic. You would have to enlighten the population which is never instantaneous, as well as show proof incrementally to support your point and garner support through sheer practicality. To take away public school teacher's tenure, and implement merit pay is a good first step, because it opens up doors to better even more efficient options that were not otherwise available. I was under the impression that ethics were universal, not subjective, I could be wrong. I positive step is a positive step.

I perfectly understand what your saying, I completely believe in the non-initiation of force, and that all forms of taxation are theft. I also understand that the public school systems run on tax-payer money, therefore your conclusion that no matter what choice is made in this regard, morally the system itself is in the ethical negatives. However, my contention is NOT that the system is going to cured because of the proposed merit pay, but it gives a glimpse of the power of the free-market as well as allowing space for further questions-- which is paramount to the unveiling of practical truth. I view this just like an individual who's setting about the road to self-knowledge for the first time. Obviously, said individual is not going to miraculously transform years of conditioning and wrong thinking to right thinking just because they have the knowledge and desire for it, you have to clean the house and take things one step at a time realistically. Recognize that you haven't made it yet, but you are on the right path as well.The public school system at large may just be making a financial choice with no regard to ethics or their lack thereof, YET, the choice to get rid of public school teacher tenure and traditional forms of payment shows a clear sign of the realization that the previous system cannot sustain itself, and people realize it. The road to self-knowledge, thus to UPB, is to question, and remain organic. The steps taken here give the option of additional questions to be asked which, whether dealing with an individual or an entire society , is all you can hope for. Dsayers, by saying this is not a step in right the direction considering the failure of the current public school system, your implying that this either a stagnation or a step in the WRONG direction, please explain.

I'm not into my local politics, but something really special is going on right now. Our governor has taken a liking to the merit pay system for our public education system, and has plans to implement this system state-wide. The merit pay system for our state is a HUGE step in the right direction as far as opening up our educational system to the free-market, and also there have been plans to abolish the School Teacher Tenure that keeps bad teachers in the lounge despite sub-par performance. True to Molyneux's opinion on the matter yet again, when they decided to experiment with getting Merit Pay implemented in the city of Renoldsburg, there was an immediate strike. For 2 weeks and 3 days this has been going on officially, and the Teacher's union has fought for the striking down of Merit Pay as well as a pay raise. I think the what's awesome about this is that the new superintendent is not budging on the matter-- and now as the strike comes to end after the usual media slants, court hearings, and plain old VIOLENCE against the substitute teachers, the teachers are facing some pretty harsh consequences as well as still having to deal with this new Merit Pay system. Next on the list is the City of Mansfield, Dayton, and further down the road, the capitol... COLUMBUS. So what do you guys think about this? What some predictions on a possible outcome?

This is very interesting to me. Due to life's hardships, I found myself back at the Father's house-- who is living with my deathly ill grandmother. This is the house I grew up in from ages 14-18, and this is where I experienced the most emotional hardship. This is the house the divorce was announced, where I fought tooth and nail against the christian indoctrination, as well as retaining my sexuality. This is the house where I was accused of being a drug addict when I was doing nothing if the sort, this is the house where I ran away from at least twice. Right now I'm taking care of Grandma all day, whie Dad runs around doing his professional business/pleasure thing with his girlfriend all day and night. Ever since I have had a few breakthrough's in self-knowledge, I am curious as to why I suddenly cannot look at him. Out of my two parents, Dad was the more logical one, and we've had decent intellectual conversations (even though he did deal out the whippings when I was a child), but now just watching him gives me a very dark sense of aversion. I've been taking care of Grandma all day, and now Dad and his girlfriend swoop in and act as if I wasn't even there, I find this annoying to a great degree, moreso than I think it should, as if this moment is a symbol of a greater drama. Hopefully I can get some good opinions on where this sudden dark aversion has come from and why now. I know it has something to do my journey into self knowledge, but as for the reason.. it alludes me completely like the fog that once hid my True Self. Cheers.

I'm angry at my family mostly. They never seem to understand that I'm not the hardened male they think I am. I'm bisexual-- can't mention that. I'm sensitive--can't mention that. I want to do music seriously-- can't mention that. I can't mention the fact that for 5 years I was under the thumb of an extremely abusive girlfriend who took my desperation for love and acceptance and turned it into self-hate and brokenness. I swear I've tried to talk about these things over and over again, I tried to talk to them about my emotional problems since I was 15! NOTHING! All it is is "get a job", "do it yourself", or "......ok". They treat me like a failed experiment and treat my little sister with actual respect-- like I died or something. I've been through so much and honestly I'm amazed that I survived-- I'm just too fucking tired to do this by myself anymore-- I want to MAKE them listen but I know I can't. I think maybe these scars will expose the,-- their disgusting unwarranted indifference, and the pain I feel will sympathize with the pain in my inner reality-- like a fucking hug. I'M NOT A MONSTER and they treat me like I am.

Whoops. I've always had the habit, for some reason always tried to avoid it-- but BOY does it do the trick. I've had a rough go of things these past five years, I've always battled crushing depression and anxiety. I live with my mom again and sister-- I thought it would help, but my emotions have gotten worse in the wake of being avoided my my own "family". Mom is always with her boyfriend, and I don't think my sister even knows I exist even though we live in the same place. Fuck this. This isolation has been my life for as long as I remember, the beginning Spring breezes remind me of the all the pain in the past, my pain now-- fuck this. I'm angry, I feel like a ghost, I don't know what I did wrong to these people. I hate them in a way, but can't go anywhere right now-- I'm jobless. Fuck this, fuck ME.

Hello all-- I hope this message finds you all well. This is my first serious post on this forum, the topic is an effort to externalize events that have been very close to my heart, as well as my lifelong effort in search for truth in spite of the plethora of "blinders" that have been installed on the chariot of my mind for the sake of my father's emotional comfort. To start my name is Matthew, aged 22, African American. I have lived in Columbus Ohio all of my life, and currently a struggling (REALLY struggling) musician. I play the violin, forte in avant-garde music and deconstruction. I mention this because it's indicative of how my mind works: to harness logic to render a given subject down to it's purest expression, or to unveil its objective Truth. I believe that it is this drive that led me into the many religious traditions I've learned about and practiced, as well as my final leaving of the concept of creator all together. Like most, I was raised in a Christian household. If my father was not reprimanding me as a small child, he spoke of his religious philosophy ad nauseum. I naturally was extremely inquisitive, and the first occupation I wanted to be was a scientist-- I really LOVE to learn. I learned very early not to question the words of my father, not for any threat of violence ( though that did occur) but because I really seemed to cause harm to him personally when I ever questioned him, and he would disassociate himself from me for some time. I would rather a beating than to be alone. I remember one time I asked him if I could have a dog (I was around 3), and he said "maybe". I was ELATED, he didn't say yes, but he didn't say no either, so "maybe" in my head was obviously more positive than "no", so if I was a good boy, "maybe" I could sway the verdict to "yes!" someday. Time passed, and he said nothing of it-- maybe he forgot? I reminded him, asking again. "Maybe" in his light tone again, but I was a bit more skeptical this time. I kept asking, and got the same answer; now "maybe" was getting pretty annoying, and I started to just want a straight answer. One day I asked him again, and he said "maybe" where I quickly responded "so maybe means no right? Every time you say maybe I don't get anything." I'll never forget the look on his face, he was genuinely shocked speechless, probably because I didn't talk very much at time and the information I had gathered from my observations were pretty concise for a 3 year old. My mom was present at the time and instantly started cracking up, bellowing "He really gotcha there Mark, whatcha gonna say to that?". I saw him lower his head and narrow his eyes(tense) with unmistakable disdain, avoiding eye contact with me. I made the silent choice then to never do that again, I never wanted to hurt my Dad. Needless to say, he stopped talking to me for some time which was really painful to me, especially since I was alone for most of the day anyway. Later on, Dad would speak to me about religion A LOT. Not only did he believe in his doctrine, but believed he had performed many miracles himself! As a kid this captured my imagination, and really inspired me to study religion with all I had --"Maybe" then I could control my universe as well? He spoke on glossolalia (tongues), prophecy, hinted on Revelations, and the spiritual sight (the seeing of demons and angels) along with all the usual indoctrination. This particular instance of which I am about describe I'm sure has sealed my fate, and realization of my own "atheism" (for lack of better words). Around the age of 9 or 10, My Father would randomly take me to the side to solidify my "belief". Shortly after this series of lectures I under immense emotional strain and fear of damnation decided to be baptized. Back then he was still much taller than me, and I remember him casting a shadow over my face as he laid out his huge, bulky fists in front of me. "Choose" he would say in a deep voice "Choose, your fate, choose your master, life or death, good or bad, God... or Satan." The air was tense, I felt the fate of being held in the balance. My father's eyes were indifferent, though I knew what choice he'd rather me take. Naturally I chose "God", and he'd smile and walk away-- phew! This happened a few more times (didn't I just save my soul yesterday?), until he took me aside to the living room to introduce me to the point of SUBMISSION. The television was off, the lights dimmed (or they seemed to be). That familiar sense of tension was in the air, Father paced back and forth in front the broken fireplace. He spoke in a low, grave tone and started to elucidate the virtue of unconditional surrender, it's eternal imperative of a "true" christian for a couple hours. As usual, I simply did not possess the attention span to follow everything he said, and I started to feel quite frustrated and scared-- was I missing something? This is cosmic knowledge here and my flesh is simply too weak to withstand the divine logos! He asked me finally, "Imagine you are before the Lord, Christ at his right hand-- how would you greet him?" I smiled and bent my knees-- "NO. You need to be on your face." or something to that effect. It took awhile, but I finally got groveling down. Father smiled and left, leaving me completely overwhelmed, but relieved. I want to express my journey to atheism because I have an annoying need to share my true thoughts, but the journey is simply too long to put in a single post. I would love to see what you guys on here think about this so far, if there are any thoughts you would like to add. Thank you

Hello all my name is Matthew, aged 22 years, black american from Columbus Ohio. It's been quite the wild ride for me. I've been fighting hard to find myself after a number of traumas-- naturally it's a roller coaster, but I'm pleased to say that Mr. Molyneux has shed light on some important issues for me. I've come from multiple religious traditions, spanning logically from West to East, and as of now I'm much more interested in my psychological healing, it's been something I've been running away from all my life.