Spenc

Yeah I find it a little troubling that he's getting sufficient intimacy out of the relationship just by being at or near an arm's length of you. What would differentiate you from any other woman to him if he doesn't seek to interact with you mentally, intellectually, emotionally? I know that I would probably have had similar desires in a woman in my past due to my loneliness and abandonment as a child. I didn't have the self-esteem and social skills to necessarily feel confident to open up to a woman or carry a great conversation for long, but the physical proximity was rewarding. I at least was self-aware of my shortcomings and sought to improve and be a more interactive partner with my girlfriends. Does any of this seem to fit with your boyfriend? Or if not, why do you think he might have the needs he does and the lack of intellectual and emotional intimacy?

Thanks, Kevin. Sorry I missed that part earlier.... Can you talk a bit more about the way she directs your sessions? How she responds to your retelling of experiences and emotions? What issues does she hone in on the most as the most fundamentally important?

You talk about being a student, I don't think anyone has brought up free counseling through the school. Have you considered trying out therapy while you presumably have the benefit of free sessions through your school? Why do you think you have been feeling progressively worse and worse at this time of year? Are you reaching a breaking point in your college career, with great significance on your results this semester? Are you anxious for the holiday season? Maybe it is building anxiety after you had a temporary break from the stress during the summer when you were out of school? Just a few ideas....do any of them ring true to you?

"I'm a single mother and I own a business and I go to school full time...." This is the woman who says she does the parenting of both a father and a mother all by herself.. What is going on, she's living in a special wormhole where the days are relative to 60 hours long or something?

I tend to agree with Daniel. I have been listening recently to older podcasts from around 2010, and the site was much smaller and the call-in shows were much more interactive and the people involved seemed to be more philosophical/educated. I think there is definitely a place for shows like this to take place, and that old format shouldn't be totally abandoned for a scheduled set of calls each week. But it's his show and he knows what the people are demanding, not me. And furthermore, the calls that tend to impact me the most are from people who probably wouldn't be able to afford the $500+ per year to be Philosopher Kings, so I don't feel any urgency to have my questions and concerns take precedence over theirs. I also am not a fan of preaching on the hill, so to speak. I think self-knowledge and philosophy are their own reward. Seek not reward and recognition, but only virtue. If people are motivated by recognition, and then that desire is rewarded, it feels like Stef would be fulfilling their vanity not their dedication to principles and virtue, and that just seems aesthetically unappealing to me.

Just out of curiosity, Mark, did your family try to send you gifts, get in touch with you by phone or e-mail, letters/cards or anything when your birthday came up recently? While Thanksgiving and Christmas are big deals for the whole family, I'm kind of curious how things went when it was a special day focused specifically on just you. In some ways, I can imagine it might be more difficualt to withdraw under those circumstances than under the broader family holidays where attention is centered elsewhere.

My thinking is that there is a difference between dumping and resolving. Dumping is more like just telling your problems to anyone who will listen in the hopes of gaining sympathy or reassurance or whatever. Resolving is when you take the second step after announcing your problems and you actually try to understand them and find resolutions to overcome them. So when you cut yourself off from being more detailed and really opening up to the other person, you're dumping your problems on them, you're denying them the connection of your deeper feelings, and you're not giving yourself or them a chance to resolve the problems, thus the cycle is bound to repeat. This is just my theory. Also, I think you're not really being fair to the people around you if you assume they are "stuck" listening to your problems when you dump on them. If we have a conversation attempting to find some resolution, and you just neglect the resolving and stic to the dumping, can't I just wish you well and leave? Would some of your worries center around the concept you have of yourself of being uninteresting to others, or that you would be inconvenient to others if you asked them for help in solving problems? I know that I have had these issues historically, and it would lead to me dumping on my closest friends, but not trusting them enough to actually trake part in resolution. and I think that is a vicious cycle that wears the relationship down. Any thoughts on this?

This is covering so many of the ideas I've been having recently as I've delved into the world of online dating again. Like, the girls look like models in so many profiles! And I'm just throwing up any 3 pictures that a) show my face clearly in a couple of them and b) shows a longer view so they can see what physical shape I'm in. I generally don't take a lot of photos, and when I'm in photos I don't go to the effort to get copies of them or be tagged on facebook or whatever. So yeah, I have few photos to draw from and then even if there is good lighting or good angles, I wouldn't know it if I saw it. I might have an instinctive sense that a picture is better than others, but photography just doesn't interest me anough to know how it happened.

So dumping is a bad habit you would prefer to resolve and abandon.....And you recongize a situation where you may be dumping your emotions. This is the perfect opportunity for you to start breaking the habit! Don't just leave it as is! Go into more detail, and give your post greater substance, so that you can achieve some success against your bad habit! Does that make sense to you? Please tell us more about yourself and your situation!

Looks like the video was pulled down. To be honest, your response makes a lot of sense to me, but I can see it totally going over the head of most people. Compared to the wy many people view kids, it's like you're speaking another language. Good kids sit still and don't get into things without permission. Good kids don't runa round and make excessive noise. Good kids "know better" when they are doing things that are bad. Yada yada yada....Do you agree with me that a lot of people just have a view of children that they are better seen and not heard, to sum it up coloquially?

Thats a really interesting point. I'd love to know if your theory is right.

i find it really troubling that the father would take out his phone or camera or whatever to film the kids as he interrogates them. Maybe it isn't such a big deal with kids who grow up with the devices around all the time, but I can't help but initially think it's not helping. I also find his tone of voice, particularly early in the video, to be really excessive. Like, he's trying to ask questions and maybe have a conversation with his kids about what happened, but his tone of voice is not conducive to open dialogue at all. Between these two things, it doesn't surprise me that the kids just nod and shake their heads in response instead of speaking up. And childproof your cabinets, man!

best of luck to you. i hope if you're comfortable sharing the experience that you will give us all an update in the future.

Good for you and your inner child that you are feeling more empathy. I just think it's important to come to terms with feelings of resentment. Because that is what made it impossible for you to have empathy for your brother at the time and have a relationship with him. And of course, none of that is your fault, it is the natural response for a child put in the environment that your parents created. You were not a bad child for feeling resentment. I think your inner child deserves empathy not guilt and responsibility. In fact it sounds like you were a pretty good kid that you would accept the responsibility and take on the emotional dumping, and that you could grow to later have the empathy for your brother and make greater effort to bond with him. Hope you get some great results on your upcoming visit with your family! Every small step counts so much .

You seem to have rephrased my question. I asked how you felt toward your brother when you were assigned responsibility over him. And you continually twist that to answer how you feel toward your mother about it. I think you were not twisting it so badly this time, but still your mother is mentioned in the response and your brother is hinted at without mention. The way you worded it, what your mother did to you, seems to deflect your emotions to her, and away from him. I understand you are feeling guilt for how your childhood relationship played out with him, but I think it's important to accept the resentment you felt toward your brother as a child. (if upon meditation, that does prove to be correct). I think it's great that you are wishing to think harder about it instead of just throwing out an emotion and sticking to it, but keep in mind that you already answered the question before and I took what you said and simplified it down to one term. Do you feel like you are practicing a bit of avoidance here? I'm sorry if I seem confrontational toward you at this point. I have heartfelt empathy for your situation, and I'm just responding according to what I sense in your responses. I'm glad that you are seeing the situation for what it was in your childhood. Do you find yourself empathizing with inner child when you're thinking more about it?

Okay. Yeah, it seemed like you went into way more detail with the yelling and fighting in the house than you have with other things you've talked about and brought up in your previous posts. SO I was wondering why the subject of the yelling would induce the extra detail. But I see how that would be an answer to the question I asked you. I'm not sure "frustrated" would be the proper term to use with respect to your feelings toward your mother when she dumped responsibility for your brother on you, would it? Can you elaborate on that a bit? It feels like you might be hedging, but of course it is your experience not mine, so don't let me talk you into changing your terms. Just thought it might be beneficial to think a little more about it. The feelings you seem to be describing about your brother are the same feelings I anticipated you would have felt: resentment. Does that sound accurate? Taking that into account, do you believe that when a person has feelings of resentment toward another, and lacks the emotional tools to resolve it (i.e. you were taught to face your emotions with yelling instead of resolving), that that person has a capacity to connect to the other person? Would you agree with my assessment that your parents created an environment where they build an emotional wall between you and your brother and made connection virtually impossible? There's nothing you could have conceivably done during this time to have overcome the conditions that you were stuck with, at least as far as I can reasonably imagine. Would you agree with that? I'm glad that you're finding some value here. I can see what appears to be progress with each passing post from you. I think that at some time, whether before or after you talk with your family, you will be able to read over this and see it yourself. I really think you're going to do great.

Why did you feel like talking about the screaming fights your parents got into? I'm not saying that it wasn't good information to include, just that it didn't seem to be connected to anything in particular that I had asked, or that you had said to that point. So I'm curious if you know what the connection is between your discussion about your relationship with your brother and all the yelling. My first thought was that maybe you are creating an excuse for yourself for your neglect of him? Like, "I couldn't play with him because I needed some peace and quiet in my room to escape the yelling." I hope you are not creating an excuse for yourself here by doing that. Remember, he was not your responsibility, he was your parents'! When your parents put that responsibility and that blame on you for your brother's actions, how did you feel toward him? I suspect I know the answer, but I don't want to lead you. How old were you when they started assigning responsibility to you? "He looked up to me as the oldest." Don't take the blame for his childhood because you were older. Remember that you weren't the oldest, there were two older people there that he should have looked up to. You said yourself earlier that you think he is and was a bright kid, so he knows that right? If you have any sense that he blames you other than your own feelings of guilt, we can talk about that. But that's not what you experienced when asked. I think you had a really important theory there, that he understands somewhere in his mind that you rejected him at his point of seeking connection, and now that you seek connection, he is rejecting you back. Is this something you would feel comfortable saying to him and asking for feedback on? So sorry that your childhood played out like that. The idea that you had to physically force your mother out of your room so that you could get a break from the insanity in the house is terrible. I hope that you're finding this discussion helpful.

Tell me more about your childhood. Were you given a lot of responsibilities around the house. Cleaning, cooking, setting the table, and other chores? Were you given responsibilities to babysit your younger brother a lot? Were you instructed to look out for him at school? What relevant experiences did you have that would lead you to take responsibility for everyone still to this day? I think you already mentioned one: your mom unloading her personal drama onto you as a child. How do you think that relates to your feeling of responsibility and desire to control your family situation now? I'm also curious....do you feel like your brother holds you accountable for your family and the way his childhood went? If so, why? If not, does that give you any sense of relief? Also curious...did you ever abuse any of the authority you might have had over your brother, if you answer the previous questions to suggest that you were in such a position at times as a child? e.g. my sister had more credibility with my mom for being honest, therefore she was able to use that to get me in trouble for things I didn't do, or that she herself had done. I'm just trying to give you an example of how older siblings can manipulate situations without necessarily being overtly violent or abusive. These are things that might not stand out in your memories until you realize to look for them. I think it's great that you have at least a week to think things through, and I think it's great you are tuning in to your feelings about your family as a whole, and also separating them out into individuals. And I think it's great that you have had the courage to confront your parents individually in the past, that gives me reason to believe that you will have the same courage to open up to your brother as well and I hope you can reach him. But remember, if you don't get through to him the first time, it's not a failure, it's a success just to accept the situation and take initiative. I was just reading about this in Nathaniel Branden's book last night.

Would you like to share that specific memory you have of being unable to help him with a bully? Have you had a chance to write it down and express it fully beyond just in your head? Whether journaling, sharing it here, sharing it in a private conversation (you're welcome to writ eme privately if you think that would help), or sharing it with a therapist, etc. I think by actually getting a command over the memory and getting it down coherently can help you see it more clearly and help you to move past it and maybe uncover other memories and patterns. If I said that it is possible that you are trying to control the situation because you are not assigning proper responsibility to your parents, would that resonate with you at all? You seem to really want to improve your relationship with your parents, and you have guided them in the direction to improve themselves and make that possible. Is it possible that you are maybe giving them some slack and taking too much ownership over the current situation to compensate for their lack of control? Again, you said "right my wrong", but you were not responsible for your brother when these terrible things happened. Of course you would like to have helped him, but you seem to not be showing the proper empathy to yourself as a child, and giving responsibilities to yourself at the time that should have resided in your parents. Sorry, I'm not sure if I'm expressing my thought clearly. And anyways, it's just a question, not a conclusion, so I just want to help you get some perspective on the tricky situation of how you're managing three distinct people in one big mess like this. You said you will back to visit your family again shortly, is that coming up in the next few days now? What feelings are you experiences as your next visit draws ever nearer?

I totally understand your apprehension to put yourself out there like that. I'm sorry that this has to be so painful for you. Just one thought: do you have anyone you can do a role play scenario with maybe, where you can play your brother? I think maybe you would benefit from practicing RTR when dealing with your brother. You seem to feel pressure to manage the discussion, is that maybe not helping you to be present and express yourself in the moment? On the one hand, he's not a fully mature adult, and he's coming out of bad parenting and all that. On the other hand, at 17 he has a lot of control over his own behaviour, and he's ont he verge of legal adulthood and not far behind full brain maturity. I don't see how you can have any relationship with him going beyond the short term if his behaviour doesn't improve. Do you feel like that is the case? Is time running out on his chance to be in your life? Is that maybe connected to why you don't want to have a major blow-off with him where he might shut down or get angry? Is that why you initially used the term "handle the relationship", as if you need to be in control instead of merely being honest? These are just questions, not conclusions. I hope you find some guidance in some of the answers you encounter in yourself.

Maybe something of an end-around like, "How do you wish our father had behaved and treated us when we were kids? What qualities would have made for a good father in our lives? What qualities should mom have recognized in our father that would have told her not to marry or have children with him, or afterwards, to get us out of the situation? Perhaps get his own concept of a good man and his own concept of your father. Ask him how he can strive to be more like the former. I don't know. You know your brother better than any of us, maybe better than anyone, period. If you're saying he's going to shut down, direct confrontation seems pointless, and in fact, emotionally burdensome on yourself. A totally negative situation, not worth having. You didn't respond to the question I had asked about whether you believe your brother would listen to you talk about your journey of self-knowledge and if you thought he would remain present (physically or emotionally). A lot of the ways that I am able to show empathy for myself is to experience it for my younger siblings, my nieces and nephews. If I were in a period of my life where I was more dead inside, but my sister started talking to me about her emotional journey of self-knowledge, I would certainly exhibit empathy for her, and consequently exhibit that empathy for myself as many of the experiences she would be talking about would be shared between the both of us. Best of luck.

I don't know what I can really add to help you here. 1. So sorry for your experience of rejection. I can sense how sharp those words were that your brother said when he suggested you just leave. 2. You weren't a bad sister, there was not really anything you could do, or at least that's my hypothesis on the limited info. What do you think would happen if your brother and you had created a meaningful bond prior tom him really slipping deeply into trouble? How would that have been treated by your parents, especially your father? Provide a little more info about your dad. You described him through your brother's actions, rather than singly. You referred to your brother's laziness, apathy and pot use as him turning into your dad. But speak directly about your dad instead. 3. Have you said clearly and directly, "You are turning into dad!" If he has the capacity to have a response in the moment, how would he respond to you saying that? Are you being out front with your perspective and fears regarding the path he is on? 4. It sounds like you both had a troubled childhood. He doesn't seem to wish to accept and grieve his own, but would he experience empathy if you just had a unilateral talk about your own experience? It sounds like neglect was a big problem. If you just talked about your experience as a child, why it hurts you so much, why you take it so seriously now in adulthood and why you need to embrace the past and grieve for your childhood years lost....would he listen? Perhaps you would luck out and his apathy would work to your favour here, like, he habitually just kind of becomes a lump on the couch it seems from your story. Maybe his habit of being a lump would keep him [at least physically] present to hear you. And to hear you offer an ear to ear in return. Would he show empathy? 5. Is your dad out of the picture now? Are you talking to your mom about how she ever got into that relationship, and what signs she should have picked up on in hindsight before she got involved with him?

Welcome from Canada

Well. in the end, Derek saves himself, but it's too late for the ones he has infected. His best friend Seth became a racist following his charismatic friend Derek and is now stuck in his ignorance under the manipulation of Stacey Keach. His girlfriend did the same and became infected and when he tried to lead her out, it was too late for her as well. Then the one person who he cared about saving most after having infected, his brother , he achieves the change, but the circumstances that his past decisions had created got him killed for it nevertheless. I'm not saying the ending is more or less significant having been done that way, but it emphasizes the broader point of the film and warns you against ever letting yourself be infected

why do you fear for your job? what has been said or done to imply that is a realistic and substantive probabilty? also, maybe this doesn't work with everyone, given differences in learning techniques and brain mapping....but Road to Serfdom by FA Hayek makes an incredible argument against central planning. Reading the book is a lot of work because it is very dense material to get through. But it can be summed up very simply. Can planners have perfect information? Can people be aware that their own desires may conflict with those of the plannerts? Can people adapt their behaviours therefore to meet their own goals irrespective of the goals of the planners? In order to fulfill their goals, must planners be increasingly secretive and strict in their control of information and the behaviours of the people? Does this produce a cycle whereby the people are incapable of possessing the information to elect the proper planners, and the planners are incapable of being transparent to the public that elects them and must have the ability to guard against corruption and incompetence? And so on, and so forth....Planning is tyranny.