neeeel

I would guess its to do with our need to fit in, to have compatible interests and beliefs, in order to get on with the tribe, not be an outcast, survive, etc

I am in the UK. I wouldnt recommend playing with me, unless you can stand someone raging for the entire game though

Dont beat yourself up about it. There is no need for shame or guilt in this.

I love CS. Its pretty much the only game I play. I have too much rage to be able to play well/competitively though Do you have CS;GO?

Its not that I think you were wrong to be there for him, exactly. Its that you started off on the wrong basis right from the start. Of course, I am only going on the little info available, and my own preconceptions and imaginings of both of you. If you both started off with love, and both realised that there was much you could do to help each other, then great. But it doesnt sound like that. It sounds like you were trying to pull him up to your level, and him not really being interested or wanting to do that. I am not trying to apportion blame or anything like that. Its a tough situation, and I feel for you. I most likely wouldnt do any better in the same situation.

this seems like a recipe for disaster to me, "once I have moulded him into shape ( into something I can love) , then I will love him". Im not surprised that he resented you for trying to change him. It sounds like he simply wasnt ready to move forward the way you wanted him to. I obviously dont know all the ins and outs though. you say he agreed to all the changes ( with initial resistance), so perhaps there was ambivalence in him about what he wanted, and in the end, he went the easier route.

you must have been getting something out of your relationship. Otherwise, you would have left , no? Even if that something was security ( or illusion of security) or a project to work on ( improving your boyfriend), or whatever it was. I think it would be important to identify that. And also, what attracted you to him in the first place. You have said that you cant identify any virtues that he had that drew you to him, and you list things that could be seen as negative about him ( issues with self-esteem, confidence, being rational, being self-motivated, living with purpose), but I dont see anywhere anything about why you liked him, and wanted to be with him. There must have been something? If not, then you probably need to look deeper into why it is that you still ended up with him. Do you think its possible that you were deluding yourself? That things werent as rosy as you thought they were? And that what you thought were your virtues, actually werent? I am not suggesting that you are not virtuous, but we all have pictures of ourselves that arent 100% correct. You say you were getting closer and closer, but in reality, it seems like you were getting further apart, as shown by him wanting "time for himself". I mentioned this before, but having someone that you want to change, is not love. I am not surprised he resented you for it. And I guess thats why he left, in the end. The other girl was probably more relaxed about his perceived character flaws. What is love, to you? Not what you have heard stefan say about it. You may have adopted that version of love, but I would guess there are still some other versions kicking about , long held beliefs about love and relationships. How much like your father was this guy?

Did you love him? What does that mean for you? Because if you loved him, as he is, then why did you feel the need to change him. If you felt the need to change him, then you cant have loved him as he was, because there were things about him you wanted to change. I think it would be interesting to explore why you felt that you loved and wanted to spend the rest of your life with someone who wasnt, in your eyes, everything you wanted in a partner.

I dont think this is the ideal way to approach a relationship. Any relationship where you are changing the partner, or attempting to change them, is probably doomed to failure. Do you think that your attempts to mould him into an ideal man could have had some effect on how he viewed you?

I understand you are in pain. However, your post doesnt actually address any of your pain, so I am not sure how to respond. Perhaps post something more down to earth, about your experiences/feelings?

the important thing is that none of these personalities ( dream or real life ones) are you. That is, there isnt a true you in hiding, waiting for the right moment to pop out. ALL the personalities are "fake", built up out of needs and beliefs, things that were taught to you or you learned over your life.

What do people think of circle time? http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Circle_time http://www.circle-time.co.uk/ Its supposed to be a way of opening up children to self discipline and self esteem, a way of discussing feelings and learning about others. I have been witness to, a part of, circle time in a school setting. My reaction was "yuk, this is stupid". First , I dont think its optional, that is, everyone has to at least sit in the circle, if not participate in the discussions. Disruptive, bored or restive children are disciplined, and forced to listen to the discussion, to keep quiet. It might seem fair so that everyone is given a voice, but it just seems counter productive to me. I suppose the idea might be sound, getting people to open up, be honest etc. But in practice, it just seemed false, controlled and too large a group to be effective( the leader of the circle time must spend a large amount of time keeping order).. Rather than teaching acceptance of self and others, it just seems to be teaching submission to the group, submission to authority, and compliance.

quite often I feel like I am a character in a movie, in real life. Quite often I feel like I am spectating my life. Quite often I notice that my character changes depending on situation and who I am with, in real life, ie my identity seems very fluid.

have you ever noticed that real life is often the way you described dream life in the OP?

interesting conversation A4E. I am guessing similar conversations, with similar results, happen all the time. You can point out rational flaws in his arguments, but in the end, it all comes down to their beliefs that children are not fully human. That somehow children are inherently bad, selfish, dont care about others and that they need to be taught these things, through violence if necessary. And yes, while their behaviour can seem to be selfish and uncaring, they are also very generous, giving, and caring, with a deep need for connection with other humans. They ( the children) are the sane ones, with a good grasp of reality, while we are the insane ones, lost in delusion. That in order to become fully human, children "need to learn" certain things. "oh, he has to learn that the world doesnt work that way". when the child can clearly see that the world DOES in fact work that way. You asked him why children dont have rights. This idea of rights is flawed. He says "we only give rights to rational adults" and in a way, hes right. But they are totally fictitious things, used to determine between self and "other", and justify abuse of the other . "He doesnt have rights, so its ok for me to treat him like shit" It seems to me that a lot of adults are actually scared of children, and being with children. Maybe, like stef says, its because they cant bear to see honesty and integrity , and compare it to their own mess of delusional thinking. Even adults that do spend time with children, are afraid of really getting to know them.

I am going to try just that, sticking with the feeling, noticing it, really feeling it, when my friend is doing something that doesnt involve me. I am also going to try doing at least one thing that doesnt involve them when they are around, to see what that feels like, and to practice not merging, or un-merging.

that sounds about right. Painful stuff. I am glad that you have somewhat overcome it.

thanks chrismus, yes thats it. A gaping wound when I am not their sole object of attention. Did you ever determine what it was you were looking for in this scenario? I mean, its like I need something from them, and something that no one can give. Its hard to explain, but I cant really identify what the need is, other than "I need to be their sole object of attention".

I have a friend, I will call them J. I find this friend extremely attractive, and a really nice person. And they seem to like me. But its like I am looking for something that I can never actually have, that what I am actually looking for is something that no one could provide. When I am with them, I find it very difficult to leave their side, or to choose another activity over being with them and doing their activity. Self-erasure, I think its called by some people on this board. I find it extremely difficult to handle when they move away from me, and when they spend time with other people, I immediately think "well, thats it then, J doesnt like me any more". so I NEED something. And its something I am not getting. But I cant identify what it is I am looking for. What is it? Its like an itch I cant scratch, or a wound that I keep papering over which keeps leaking. I dont think I even would want to be with them 24 hours a day, sometimes I feel the need to push everything and everyone away. But its clear to me that my thoughts and feelings around this are just INSANE! Where does this come from? I guess something in my childhood. My guess would be that I am terrified of something. Not being loved maybe? Abandonment? I guess therapy is the answer? Not sure I am ready for that.

If they grew up on a desert island, knowing no other person, would they still feel a crushing sense of wrongness? Wrongness is only in comparison with something else. "I should be like that, but I am not". I admit I dont know much about the subject.

parent: there are children in africa who would love this food! me: well, why dont u just give it to them then parent: *smack* dont be cheeky!

saying "I just knew I was meant to be X" is delusional thinking. There is no plan as to what you will be or how you will turn out. sperm fertilises egg, and a human with certain characteristics is the result. There is no way its "supposed to be" . There is no little homunculus that was assigned a body, and sometimes this homunculus gets a wrong body. Its like, when you look at a tree, and some trees are straight and tall, others go all over the place. Was the tree meant to be straight and tall? No. That is the way the tree grew. I have no problem with someone who wants to put themselves in another box, if that what they feel they need. They may identify more strongly with one group than another, for various reasons. But its just like wanting to be called james instead of brian, or scottish instead of english. The vast majority of boxes and groups are socially constructed, made up things.

Lets say that you let your child go to a sleepover, where they were hugged and kissed by the other parent, and your child was totally ok with it? Is it still not acceptable? Or just not acceptable to you? I mean, if you arent forcing them to kiss or be kissed by their granny when they leave from a visit, then you also need to accept the opposite, that you cant force them not to kiss someone, or accept a kiss from someone. The fact that it makes you uncomfortable is on you, not them. Yes, if you have a good relationship with your children, then they will come to you and talk about it, and thats good, you will be able to learn how they feel about it, and if they dont actually like being kissed, then you can discuss ways for them to say no. But if you are giving them the power to say no, then you ( unless you are inconsistent) are also giving them the power to say yes.,

yes, this is it! I feel I am very manipulative, that I dont know how to get my needs met, how to ask for my needs to be met, or probably half the time what my needs even are!. I dont feel safe putting my needs out there, or asking someone for something, or saying "no" to a request for something. And yes, I dont expect to get anything from others. So I manipulate, lie, hide my true intentions and emotions, and so on.

thanks joel, so just because I have character traits that a sociopath might have, doesnt make me a sociopath ( it just makes me an asshole )