jgib

Thanks for the sentiments. I know there is no 'fix' or real answers. I do have a busy life with enough down time to not be worn thin. I am lucky that way. It doesn't mean I don't miss that comfortable connection you can have with a significant other. It is nice to be able to come here and vent a bit with people that may understand a little of what I speak about. I have no interest in 'changing ' anyone and I am not willing to change who I am fundamentally. I am happy to compromise but wouldn't it be nice to find someone that is happy to be themselves and happy to let me be me. Sounds easy.....right? cilantro, I too, enjoy gardening. Between that and my handful of chickens I always feel I have choice of ethically produced, healthy foods.

Many of the members here comment that finding a quality woman is difficult. I am here to say it is equally difficult the other way around as well. I am certainly not interested in a white knight! So many men go there when they hear I am a widow.....sigh....I really don't need saving.... Men seem to want to move far too fast for me, it is very important to me to find out who someone is, how they think and what their thought processes are before I make any sort of commitment or promises to someone. How can a person offer planned weekends away, foot rubs, and snuggles in front of a fire with someone they only know through a few texts? Whoa, put on the brakes there.... It has happened enough times now that I have started to feel very much the odd one out. This must be how others do things. I have now been told I am hard to read. I know I do hold back at the beginning. I certainly don't lead with sexuality and that, I believe, is what many men are used too. I am certainly not in a rush to get in a relationship and I will not compromise certain things just to be in one. I do believe because of my age it does make it even more of a challenge. I am now beginning to realize that it just may not happen and have started to come to terms with that. I am glad I am able to come here to talk about this. My married friends do have a difficult time understanding.

I did a longer post but it is in waiting land... I have given many things to think about. "I have one last less practical and more philisophical thought that you might find useful: you can try to fit in by adapting yourself to the common denominator or you can make the effort to look through more people to find yourself a better match. Its just a matter of how much effort you want to spend." This is something I have thought about the past little bit. I am not sure I can adapt myself to the common denominator, but I think in many ways it is the more successful option.

Thank you all very much for your condolences and taking the time to read and respond to my post. You have given me more to consider. I am not desperate to get into another relationship but I would like to eventually find someone that I would be interested in forming a pair bond with. "I won't tell you what you should do but I will point out some facts that I think matter. They are pretty basic points that you might already have considered but I think they are the most important so I'll say them anyway: you already know what you want(connection), its just a matter of finding it. If that connection is a romantic relationship, I doubt it will be easy. How many unmarried men also near your age would be of sufficient quality? Probably not too many, particularly if your standards include many of the principles shared among people here. Our convictions aren't terribly common. Plus most men in that age range are either still unmarried because they aren't suited for it or are divorced because again they aren't suited for it." These are certainly points I have considered. I am looking at all of this now because it takes me time when I meet someone. I am not one too look for the "hot guy" and think he is all that. I will admit I must find someone interesting looking, that does not mean handsome necessarily, it is in the getting to know them that they truly become attractive......or not as the case may be. It is a slow process for me. If a man starts to focus too much on my appearance, for example telling me over and over how beautiful I am, I become uncomfortable. I think many men are conditioned to do this. It just makes me wonder if they are really seeing me or not. (Just as a note I don't think I am particularly physically beautiful, I believe in the gene lottery I have received enough to be physically attractive to many men but not so much that it draws the attention of women to see me as competition.) I am much more comfortable if someone notes my kindness or my sence of humour or how content they feel when we are together. The whole sex thing is another story altogether! Don't get me wrong, I believe it is important in a healthy relationship but I have had very few partners, the last for over 20 years! Also the last, first time I had I was still in my twenties. Man, that seems so long ago. Thanks for reading my ramblings again. I look forward to any other thoughts people may have. I don't want to seem like I am in a rush but these are some of the things I have been thinking about. Not really a subject all my married friends understand so much.

I too access the Internet at home, usually on an iPad. That way I am mobile and not restricted to one place.

I am in an interesting place in my life at the moment. I have been in the process of getting to know myself better then I ever have and it is both exciting and a bit daunting. I find myself in a place that is unknown and sometimes confusing. I have just entered into my 50s. Two years ago my husband was killed in a farming accident. We were together for over twenty years and married just short of that. We had built a very successful life together and were very compatible. We were in it for the long haul. I believe I am lucky in the sense that we lived our lives together so I knew all about the "paper work" type of issues. I have been able to concentrate more on my emotional healing. I think that will be a work in progress for a while but every day seems to be a better one in most instances. My marriage was a good one, I believe. We started with nothing ( bones of our ass! ) and built a comfortable life together. Not extravagant, but we were able to do the things we loved together. We had a bit more of a traditional type of marriage. It revolved around his career and I was fine with that. I was also able to find work that I found rewarding. He was an extremely hard working man with a strong moral compass. In this next phase in my life I am not sure if the person I choose to share it with will be the same though. If I could have my husband back, I would in a second, no doubts about it. But he was a difficult man with high expectations. Living with someone so driven has its challenges. I actually think the things I have learned, through here, would have made our marriage better and I think he would have been open to it. I have settled into living alone. I have always been comfortable with myself and enjoyed alone time. This is much different then that though. Totally alone with my own thoughts and emotions has been challenging! I had been scared of the unknown in the beginning but this experience has taught me that it really is all unknown. This leads me to thoughts about being single again. I feel totally unprepared for this at this stage in my life. So many things go through my head about this and what I read here. How do I fit now? I am through my reproductive years. (No children, decision we made together) I have had few relationships and have never really dated much. I have heard Stefan often say women at my stage in life have little value. I didn't feel that way in my marriage but now I do wonder. I have a sharp mind, am active, caring and hard working. I live a healthy lifestyle but I am overweight, struggling with a thyroid gland that gives me issues. I have often felt I don't quite fit. I have interests and curiosity about things the "average" person may not be as interested in. I enjoy stimulating conversations even if I am not all that familiar with the topic. I am often uncomfortable in larger groups of people particularly if many of them are strangers. Thank you to those that made it to the end of this. I would like to hear any strategies or ideas about what may be ahead for me.

130, tested when younger....

Ran Gavrieli's thoughts on porn.

I think you may be able to back up the case being nypical could be a mental disorder but I am not sure many would want to hear it.

"Check out Gary Taubes' Good Calories, Bad Calories or Why We Get Fat if you have not already. These books have a permanent place in my home library." I plan on looking for these books and also looking into improving my gut flora.....I do it for my horses why not for me?

This made me smile. Most of the thin, attractive women I have know definitely don't seem to follow this at all.

I have worked with special education students for quite a few years. Austim, and its spectrum, is very interesting and complex. I too think I may exist on the spectrum, like you McBeer I can check many of the boxes you do. Most of the children I worked with struggled far more with everyday life than I do.

I always find this an interesting topic. My weight has always been a challenge for me. Active in sports from a young age. Mainly ran track in high school and played BB in college. Very active after college and a competetive equestrian my whole life. Still I have never been what is considered thin. No wheat for me, I am intolerant, preservatives can give me head aches so little to no processed foods. Whole foods make me feel best so that is what I try to base all my meals around..... I have a thyroid issue that seems to be genetic as all the women in my family have it. As the years progress it is more of a challenge to keep my weight at what I am comfortable with, which would not be considered thin by many standards. I am healthy, active but not thin.....I think many things need to be taken into consideration when considering health. Now attraction, I believe, is very much in the eye of the beholder. I find someone much more attractive when I get to know them.....or not as, sometimes is the case.

No worries....I believe it was a poor topic heading choice on my part.

I imagine this can be a hot topic with many thoughts and feelings attached to it. A discussion I had yesterday lead to me saying something that was unpopular it seems. If it takes a man and a woman for conception to happen why is it the sole decision of the woman the fate of the result? Should the man not have equal say? If the woman makes the choice to follow through with the pregnancy with out the agreed consent of the man, why does the baby become his responsibility for the next 20 odd years? There is the choice of adoption as well if abortion does not sit well with the woman. If she makes the sole decision to keep, should it not be her sole responsibility to raise? I suppose you can see how this would have been a little unpopular to some..... This led to the question for me, what if the man was the one that wished to keep and raise the child?

Thank you for the recommendations, I look forward to watching it.

Sitting on the back of a horse.....

I am a far bit older than many of you here so may be offering an opinion from a different generation. I am also new back into this whole "dating" thing. I have no problem paying any portion when I meet with someone. I do find that often men in my age group want to pay, especially on the first meeting, and sometimes they are even offended if the woman offers to pay. I try to be sensitive to the comfort level of who I am with and follow their lead, especially early on. I personally am most comfortable with ' you pay one time, I pay the next'. I believe it all works out in the end to be pretty even as long as no party is feeling taken advantage of. If there are those feelings maybe it is worth looking at the bigger picture as I think there would be a another issue developing.

You are welcome.

I do freely express these opinions but I will say it is not often directly connected to a discussion about feminism. I think most of the women I have as friends have similar opinions, or at least they are not opposed to having discussions about these issues. I have spent much of my life in rural settings and I am not sure if that makes a difference on perspective. I think having the same standards for morality and looking for similar virtues between the sexes is a sensible thing, but I do not think a blanket stroke of equality is healthy or doable. Men and women are very different and I think we should embrace the differences. I am at a loss why men should be more like women or vice versa. The word equality seems to be connected to privilege in some minds. Why would one want to be given something without having worked for it? Why would one take advantage of another strictly for monetary gain? Why would a women physically strike a man and not expect reciprocation? Why would parents of children use them in a power struggle? There are many things that don't make sense to me. I have been told I think logically and have a logical mind and there is just no place in this world for that kind of thinking! I have also been told I am naive, I suppose that could be true. I agree that the word equality seems to be one of those buzz words that people like to toss around without really thinking about what it actually, truly means in the big picture. RoseCodex I believe boys and girls do need to be treated differently growing up. They both need emotional, physical and intellectual support but I that can look very different for a boy than it can for a girl. Again if we generalize too much it is not a good thing so the needs of the individual child have to come into play as well. On a bit of a side note, a discussion I had a couple of days ago was about women, like Lauren, speaking out about these issues and how it certainly is the more physically attractive ones that have the larger effect. I suppose whatever it takes to get the information out and into the minds of others is a good thing.

Not sure if this has been posted here before. I am fairly new to this so I hope I have done it correctly..... She sure sums up how I feel about it.

I agree John and thank you.

Thank you.

No kids, we made that choice together. It was a decent relationship. He was an honest, dedicated, honourable man that people liked easily. I have also come to realize a few things about our marriage as well. I think he would have been very open to this and we could have grown from it. I appreciate your kind words in regards to my loss. It is not an easy thing but I have chosen to try and find some positives from it. Part of that is finding out who I am for the sake of me.